In the days after the graduation disaster I described it as a sadness that came in waves and I guess they did, mom told me that in time it would go away. Although I didn't think I believed her, I guess some part of me did. A part of me was expecting the pain to fade away eventually and while I didn't think I would ever forget him, or even want to forget him I was ok with the pain fading away.

So when I got on that campaign trail I was excited. I was looking forward to my wide open future with options and paths to follow I had the world in front of me, I was finally out in the real world, not in the bubble where I lived and I was nervous I almost had a Paris worthy panic attack but I was also exited… and lonely.

I talk to mom and grandma and grandpa and Lane at least twice a week. I miss them. I really, really miss them, they make the loneliness seem less, but as soon as we hung up I'm hit with this huge wave of sadness and loneliness.

On the other hand this campaign trail has been an amazing experience, I've made important connections that will help me move forward with my career but sometimes… after each and every wonderful experience… and even after six months… I still find myself dialing his number only to realize that I can't call him.

And one of those waves of sadness mom said would fade still hit me, just as strong as when he walked away.

In a way I know I made the right choice, I wasn't ready, I had my whole future ahead it was too soon to start to start cutting bridges, but at night when I lie down on those crappy hotel bed I find myself wondering what if… what if I had said yes?' Would I be on this trail? Would I be living in Palo Alto in the renter house with an avocado tree? Would we even still be together?,,,

So many questions, it's in these moments when I feel the most alone, in the dark in the crappy hotel bed, surrounded by people living their lives around me. In moments like this not even I phone call from mom can cheer me up.

Four months into the campaign trail I got a phone call, from someone I really didn't expect. Honor called me, I was expecting her to be mad, angry, and disdainful but I guess that was never Honor's way. She was kind and emphatic and told me something I will always be grateful for, Logan was suffering too. Not that his pain was something to enjoy but it meant he was still not over me, over us and I took comfort in that maybe… maybe there was still a chance and as slim as it was I was going to take it.

While I would never quit the campaign trail my idea of being a war correspondent has taken a huge hit, all the traveling and danger and distance seemed glamorous to me when I lived in the bubble but now with first-hand experience, I feel that being away from my family is too much. And maybe when the trail was over I could find the house with the backyard with and avocado tree and I would grovel and beg and if I was lucky Logan would forgive me for the heart break I cause both of us… or maybe she didn't have a chance at all.

Maybe she had been right that day in Martha's Vineyard, maybe Logan had been the one and she had let him get away…

Maybe an ultimatum hadn't been such a good idea, he had wanted her to say yes so badly he forgot the reason he had for asking her to marry him in the first place, so that they could be together no matter what.

Maybe it was anger or pride but something inside him told him it was now or never thus the ultimatum, if he hadn't been so stupid they could have be together now and when she was ready he would propose again but no he had made an ultimatum he took a gamble and ended up with nothing.

He packed his bag and went to Palo Alto he had every intention of partying, drinking and sleeping around. Except he didn't, he couldn't. Even though he had been the one to break it off he still felt like he was cheating on her, even after six months he couldn't do it, he couldn't bring himself to "cheat" on her.

He had rented the house in Palo Alto with the avocado tree in the backyard and buried himself with work. Until now he hadn't realized how much his life revolved around her, he felt alone. Colin and Finn were still partying and playing around no ready yet to live like adults, Honor was busy with her marriage and newly found pregnancy and besides his new coworkers he really had no one.

He wished he could go back, long distance was better than nothing. He had even gone so far as planning on dropping by her hotels as she traveled the country with Obama's campaign trail but never had the courage to actually do something about it.

He read her articles and kept an eye on her, he wanted her safe and happy, he wanted all of her dreams to come true. With all the nightmares and dreams and memories and time his resolve weakened. He wanted to go to her, he wanted to try to win her back and to apologize for having such an immature reaction, because his goal had always been to be with her forever.

It was only when in a conversation with Hugo, he mentioned that Rory had began to change her mind about the course her career would take because she didn't like to be away from those whom she loved her. Both Hugo and his sister had mentioned that Rory was suffering too, he didn't want to suffer. So with that phone call he decided that he would try to make thing right even if he had to grovel he didn't want this life any more.

The company had been well set up, so he took a month off to go find Rory and correct the mistake he had made.

He was going to something about it.