My only love, Sam…
I changed the beginning of this letter a thousand times and I'm still not sure how I'll be able to put down what I'm truly feeling. I can't seem to find which words, out of the millions that already exist, would let me express my heart onto paper.
I love you Sam Evans.
Plain and simple.
I do, with all of me.
I know the love we both share is like the ones in movies, or great books. The sparks, the overwhelming feeling I get when you're with me… it's just, I don't know, flawless? To be honest, I don't really believe in the idea of finding your soul mate at such young age, but… when you know, you know, you know? I never thought I could even feel this way about somebody. Ever. But you just came around…and changed everything.
I like the way you scrunch your nose when you laugh. How you always try to help others, even if sometimes, you're the one in need. The way your green eyes shine when I'm telling you I made cookies. The proud look upon your face when you talk about your parent's accomplishments, or your siblings' good school's results. How you get excited when I talk about how Marvel is a thousand times better than DC. When you say you hate the stupid top 40 songs that pass on the radio, but I catch you humming Call Me Maybe at least twice a day.
All those things, they made you. They all made me fall head over heels for you.
Do you know the TV show One Tree Hill? It was cancelled last year or something… but yeah. Once, a character said "when you imagine the happiest moment of your life, who's by your side?"
I did the exercise, I tried to choose the thing that would made me the most happy, and I finally chose when I'll win my first Grammy. That's my number one goal, and when I'll reach it, it think it would make my life complete. As of today, it might be the thing I'm looking most forward to.
Picture this with me, will you?
It's my category now; artist of the year.
After all of the sacrifices I made, the late nights in the studio, the struggles, I made it here. I was acknowledged by the people I used to idolize in my room. I was finally one of them. I smile at the camera when they call my name as one of the nominees. I'm smiling, but I'm nervous. I don't know how I managed to not have a panic attack in front of everyone.
"And the Grammy goes to….." My hands are sweaty, I want to throw up. I have this feeling in my stomach, I've never been this nervous in my entire life. I'm holding my purse so tightly; all of my knuckles are white. I'm flattening my dress on my thighs with a fervent passion. Everything around me seems so blurry. I just see the red chairs and blinding lights, spinning in front of my eyes. Then, time stops.
The announcer calls my name. I won. The winner's me.
The entire music community is applauding me, Mercedes Jones. It's surreal, how could this happen to me, Lima's diva? Just yesterday, I was trying to get a solo in Glee Club. Today, I'm winning a Grammy.
Right before I go on stage to get my trophy, I kiss my fiancé, passionately. I think I might even be crying of joy. We made it. It's the best day of my life. I just won my own kind of Olympics, you know? Then he simply smiles back at me, tear-filled eyes. And if as possible, he has an even bigger smile than mine. We did it.
That's how I see my life's greatest moment, and the man by my side… it's you.
It's you. It was always you, and it will always be. I just can't picture anybody else on this seat. Every scenario I'm imaging, you're there. The good and the bad times, you're right here, with me. The nights we'll spend arguing about the decoration of the living room (and NO!, we will not buy the original couch James Cameron used during the filming of Avatar), or when we'll receive the call from my manager , saying my song went number one on the Billboard's charts…
I'm leaving in two days for UCLA. Along with my recording contract, it's where I'll be learning most of the tools I need to reach my goal. It's the best thing that could happen to my career. Thanks to you.
For posting that video on YouTube. For being the greatest supporter/boyfriend ever. But mainly for believing in me, when I wasn't even believing anymore. I truly am grateful of what you did.
Even if you found a purpose to the video only AFTER you record it..
As you may know, destiny always has odd plans; just when we get back together, distance is still trying to tear us apart.
Of course, we'll try to make it work. We'll try to make time for each other; call, text, Skype, e-mail… and before we know it, it's going to be the end of semester, and we won't have as much time as before. I know how Skype sessions won't happen daily anymore, because of our busy schedules, and we'll be mad at not seeing each other every day. I will still love you as much, but it's going to be fight after fight… and it will consume our love. I'd rather let our love grow with distance instead of watching it being destroyed.
Let's be clear. It's not a break-up letter. I don't want to break up with you. I love you way too much. What I'm trying to say is that maybe we should take the year off. I'm saying it's not a break-up, since I know in my heart I'll still belong to you. I always will.
We will always find our way back to each other.
It's only like 8 months. After high school, things will change. It's going to be less complicated. When it'll ends for you, you could come in LA with me, what do you think? Or I could ask for a transfer wherever you want to be. I have a one-year contract. We could move after. We could make it work. As of right now, I want you to concentrate on your school work instead of trying to make work a relation with me, hundred miles away. Maybe you'll need somebody else.
Not that I want you to go into some bimbo's arms right after I leave, but maybe having someone for you won't be that bad. She'll never be as awesome as me (kidding!), but she might make you happy for a while.
Of course it'll hurt me. I'd be lying if I say it would be ok. Seeing you with somebody else will never make me happy. I just try to make it easier on the both of us. I'll be extra busy with school, and I'd feel guilty not talking to you every day, and bailing our chat meetings because of my crazy schedule. I truly want what's best for you, and both of our mind's sanities. I'd rather have somebody comfort you, even if it isn't me.
No matter what you think right now, how stupid my idea may sound like, or how crazy I am, I want you to respect that. With your family still in Kentucky, you'll need somebody. Not me, miles away. Someone close, to be there, to help you with school work, or just hanging out. Not to take my place, but fill my shoes just a little bit. Maybe not even romantically involved.
I want you to know, that no matter what happens this year, I will always love you. Don't ever doubt that.
I really wish you won't fall for somebody else. But if it happens, it happens. If you choose to be with that girl, let's just say that I'm not going down without a battle. Just so you know, our love; I will fight to get it back.
I sincerely love you, Sam Evans. Forgive me for saying all of this in a letter; I wouldn't have been able to say all those things in front of you. I really wish you're not mad at me for taking this decision.
Oh, and I think I lied earlier. The thing I'm looking the most forward to, if you let me, is spending the rest of my life with you.
I'm loving you with my whole heart.
Forever yours,
Mercedes Jones.
xxx