Author's Note: Wow. Its been a long time since I've put anything up on And its all poetry. This is my first foray into actually writing a fanfic story. Its a somewhat long one-shot, and a songfic. The main song used is "Rinse" by Vanessa Carlton (cause Vanessa Carlton rules!) But the part of the story also features "Live" and "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face," both by Celine Dion. (Many people my find fault with my love of Celine Dion, but everyone is allowed their favorite sappy songs, and singers.) In any case, here you go. My very first fanfic. I hope you like it, but please tell me what you think either way -- as long as its constructive and not just rude for the sake of rudeness.
Heart of a Woman
She'd do anything to sparkle in his eyes
She would suffer, she would fight, and compromise
She's been wishing on the stars that shine so bright
for answers to questions that will haunt her tonight
The demon lurched forward and blood dripped from its multitude of small wounds. Three black heads on long craning necks turned in different directions to keep track of its enemies, and small violet eyes peered out around it. Sango lifted hiraikotsu in her hand and gave it a good swing toward the demon. The large weapon of bone tore through one of the demon's six arms and returned to its mistress, leaving the demon screaming in pain. Unfortunately, that would not be enough, and their forces were dwindling. Already, Shippo and Miroku lay at the outskirts of the battle, unconscious and bleeding, with Kagome trying to tend them while still keeping an eye on the battle.
A red and silver blur vaulted over the demon's heads and screamed furiously. "Die dammit!" Inuyasha's blazing sword sliced through the air once again, but again the demon's claws stretched into long swords of bone and blocked his attack. Growling, the hanyou leapt into the air again and with all his might, willed Tetsusaiga to work. As if the sword was responding to his wish, the blade sliced through the arm that blocked its path and continued on straight through one long neck. With a dull thud, one black head with dead purple eyes fell to the ground, and Inuyasha landed at the same moment. "One down, two to go," he muttered to himself.
Sango screamed as one of the demon's four remaining arms beared down on her, the straight razor claws magically growing to reach her past hiraikotsu as she held it up like a shield. Inuyasha rushed to her rescue, and raised Tetsusaiga, dispatching yet another of the demon's limbs. Finally, they were starting to make some progress. "Thanks," Sango breathed. Then she lifted hiraikotsu and threw it again. The demon dodged it this time though, and swatted at it angrily. It went flying through the air and farther into the woods, beyond their sight. And Sango was very much out of the game without her weapon. Inuyasha was on his own.
Silently, anxiously, Kagome watched as Inuyasha leapt forward to battle the demon. The two moved so quickly she could barely make out the attacks and the blocks, but she knew that Inuyasha could not seem to land another effective blow. The demon's three hands of claws that could stretch and retract kept him too busy. Suddenly, Inuyasha cried out and fell to the ground with a loud boom. Tetsusaiga was beyond his grasp, and he was bleeding profusely from several long gashes across his chest and on his arms. Rapidly, claws flew at him, and he leapt out of the way quickly. "Blades of Blood!" he shouted as he slashed at the demon with his blood covered claws. But the attack did no good, and with one clawed hand, Inuyasha was slammed into the ground and pinned.
"Inuyasha!" Kagome shouted frantically. She needed to help somehow. If only she could see the jewel shard. She could feel it, why couldn't she see it? Grabbing her bow from its place on the ground beside her, and slinging her quiver of arrows on her back, she ran toward the battle, calling out: "Sango, watch Miroku and Shippo!" Sango called after her, telling her to stay back, but the girl did not listen. She needed to get closer. Obviously the shard was so deeply imbedded she could not see it from so far back.
Kagome flinched when she heard Inuyasha crying out in pain. The demon was slowly flattening the hanyou into the ground, the ends of his claws biting into Inuyasha's arms and legs. "Inuyasha," she whispered fearfully. Not more than ten feet from the demon, Kagome stopped running and peered at it carefully. And there it was. A faint pink glow emanating from the demon's chest, and it was so dim she could not have seen it before. Inuyasha cried out again, cursing the demon furiously, and determined to save him, Kagome pulled an arrow from her quiver. Aiming carefully for the shard, she cried out: "Inuyasha!" and she shot. In the same instant a clawed hand that was not occupied with pressing Inuyasha into the dirt flew at her. The claws sped at her, stretching impossibly across the distance.
"Kagome!" Sango screamed.
At the same moment, Kagome's arrow struck the demon's chest, and the claw struck Kagome. The demon exploded in a brilliant flash of pink light, and the jewel shard landed conveniently nearly the now freed Inuyasha. But Kagome was already sprawled in the grass, with a hole through the side of her a stomach. Inuyasha ran to her, yelling his fury at her: "Stupid wench! What the hell did you think you were doing!" He froze when he got close enough to see the extent of her injuries, and his insults stuck in his throat. Her eyes stared up at the sky, and she was trying desperately to stay awake, but the pain was blinding, and she could feel herself slipping. Carefully, Inuyasha stooped down and picked her up, and the movement sent new waves of pain through her. Silently, she fell unconscious. "Kagome..." Inuyasha whispered fearfully at her prone form.
Kagome awoke to the sounds of a crackling fire and the pungent smell of a poultice that was wrapped around her mid-section. Slowly, she opened her eyes to see Sango leaning over her, checking her wound. Vaguely, she noticed the presence of Shippo sitting near her, and Inuyasha hovering in a tree branch above her. She didn't see Miroku. "Where's Miroku!" she gasped breathlessly as she tried to sit up. Immense pain ran through her and she lay down again.
"He's fine. He's gathering more herbs," Sango said. "Now stay still. You should be more worried about yourself. That demon just barely missed your intestines. You could dead right now."
"Oh! Kagome!" Shippo exclaimed. "We were so worried. You've been unconscious for days! And it's all Inuyasha's fault! He's supposed to protect you!"
"If you blame me one more time, you little rat, I'll tear your guts out through your nose!" Inuyasha roared from his tree branch. Shippo looked unconcerned, and Inuyasha sounded furious. Apparently, they had been going at it since she fell unconscious.
"Shippo, don't blame Inuyasha. He was busy at the moment, and I was trying to help him," Kagome said in a weak voice. "And Inuyasha, don't threaten him. He's just being protective."
"Well, he can be protective away from me!" Inuyasha shouted. "Its not my damn fault you were stupid enough to get in the way!"
"Oh no..." Sango muttered.
Kagome sat up very slowly and would not let Sango stop her. Ignoring the pain in her side, she looked up at Inuyasha and said firmly: "excuse me?"
"You heard me wench."
"Yes, I heard you. I just never thought you were quite that stupid or that cruel," Kagome said quietly, coldly. "I was trying to help you."
"Who ever said I needed your help?"
"No one needed to say it!" Kagome shouted. "It was pretty damn obvious!"
Inuyasha leapt down from his branch and glared at her. "What do you know! It was completely pointless for you to get in the way."
"I'm the one who killed it!"
"I was just about to make my move, when you did!"
"Oh please! I'm not stupid Inuyasha, and you're a moron! You were getting beat to a pulp and I saved your life!"
"I don't need anyone to save my life!" Inuyasha roared. "Especially not you!"
Kagome froze. Her eyes went cold, and though she could feel the stinging of impending tears, Inuyasha did not see them. Very slowly, she stood. Sango tried to stop her, tried to make her lay down again, but she shrugged off her friend's hands.
"Wh-what're you doing?" Inuyasha said, confused by her actions. She was injured, and must be in pain, what was she doing standing up? Kagome faltered as she took a step, and unconsciously he took a step toward her.
"Stay away from me," she told him quietly. He froze. And then she slowly walked away, into the woods.
When she was out of sight, Inuyasha looked at Sango, confused, and said: "Why didn't she tell me to sit?"
For a moment Sango just stared at him, her eyes wide and her face slowly turning red. "What the hell were you doing! She's nearly got herself killed protecting you and you yell at her! What the fuck is your problem!"
"I... she... uh..."
"Don't even try to make excuses. There are none for what you just did to her!" Sango screamed. Inuyasha stared at her, he didn't see her this mad very often, and she very rarely cursed. It was a little unnerving. "Go find her and apologize! And bring her back before she opens that wound and bleeds to death!" Inuyasha blinked at her, almost scared by her fury. Then, muttering, he turned away and leapt into the trees.
Kagome kept walking for what felt like an eternity. She wanted to run and scream and kick at the defenseless, blameless trees and rail at the stars, but her side hurt too much for her to do anything more than walk. And even that was a torture. Finally, she let herself fall to the ground, landing in a pile of fallen leaves. And finally she let her tears fall, landing on her lap and leaving wet stains on her skirt.
Agony shot through her, radiating from the hole in her stomach, but she ignored it and cried violently. She put herself in danger's path to save him, and he thanked her by screaming at her. Not only had she been willing to try to save him, she had succeeded. And all he could say was that she was in the way. Was she really so worthless? Was she so small and insignificant that everything she did, even such large acts of selflessness, amounted to nothing?
"Inuyasha... why do you keep doing this to me?" she wailed. "And why do I keep coming back?" She looked up at the sky filled with stars and let her hurt and despair engulf her. "WHY!" she screeched at the top of her lungs into the night sky.
She must rinse this all away
She can't hold him this way
She must rinse this all away
She can't love him this way
Inuyasha leapt from tree to tree his eyes staring into the dark of the woods, in search of Kagome. Suddenly, a single word pierced the black oblivion of the night. "WHY!" It was Kagome's voice, he knew. He turned toward the desperate cry, determined, for once, to apologize. But then another noise called his attention away from Kagome.
"Inuyasha!" The call was quiet, but it cut straight through him, for he knew this voice as well. And he could feel the aura that accompanied it. He dropped to the ground and found himself face to face with a pale woman with long raven hair and a red priestess' hakama.
"Kikyo," he said coldly.
"Hello Inuyasha," the dead woman said quietly. "I've come to see how your shard hunt goes. Will you be joining me soon?" she asked.
"No," he said bluntly. He didn't have time for this.
"Oh... Don't sound so cold, I can't stand to think you have become so cold," Kikyo said. He couldn't decide if she was being sarcastic or not. Did she really care? He could never tell.
"Kikyo..."
"Inuyasha, you still love me, don't you? I need to know you love me."
Inuyasha froze. He didn't know how to answer. Do I love her? Being near her brings back all the feelings I once had, but is that just memory? Or is it more? He wasn't sure.
Kagome knew she couldn't sit there all night and cry. Even if Inuyasha didn't care, she knew Sango and the others would be worried about her. She sighed. "Is anyone ever going to answer me?" she whispered into the wind. No one replied. With one last desperate glance at the stars, she wiped the tears from her face and stood carefully. Taking her time, she walked back toward the campsite. Her side throbbed heartlessly, and she clutched at it with one hand. "I need to lay down," she muttered to herself.
Suddenly she heard a voice she really did not want to hear.
"Inuyasha, you still love me, don't you? I need to know you love me."
Kikyo.
Silently, she followed the voice, and found herself hiding behind a tree watching Inuyasha and Kikyo talking under the starlight. This was a scenario she found herself in way too often, and she hated it. But she could not make herself walk away. Inuyasha sighed. "I think some part of me will always love you, Kikyo," Inuyasha said quietly. "Even if you tried to kill me again, even if the world ended." Kagome felt her heart constrict within her chest.
"And you'll always protect me?" Kikyo asked, walking forward and putting a hand on Inuyasha's chest tenderly.
"I've already promised I would, Kikyo. I don't break my promises. I will protect you from everything, from anything, even death."
Kikyo smiled. "No need to protect me from that Inuyasha. Soon you and I shall embrace it together."
"Yes."
Kikyo reached up and put her arms around Inuyasha's neck. On cue, Inuyasha's arms encircled the dead woman's waist and pulled her closer. And then they kissed. Long and tender and passionate, they kissed. And Kagome struggled to suppress a sob as she felt her heart die in its cage of bones. She could not have him. He had given his heart to another, and nothing she ever did would make him love her. Even this woman with her fraction of a soul and her body made of clay was worth more than she was, was more important than she was. Trembling, Kagome covered her mouth with a shaking hand and tried not to cry out loud.
Why? Why did he have to love her? Why does he have to hate me? What makes her so special? What makes me so repulsive? How am I supposed to hold onto him? How can I keep him? How can I make him love me? How can I love a man who treats me so cruelly?
Kagome could not stand it another minute. She turned and ran. She ran though her wound felt as though it would continue to tear until it tore her in half. She ran though her entire body shook and her lungs heaved futily to give her air and her knees buckled. She could not have him. She could not keep him for herself. She could not love him enough to make him love her. No matter how long she waited, no matter how long she prayed, no matter how long she cried, she could not love him enough to make him love her.
With tears running down her cheeks in a rush, she ran back toward the campfire. She came to an abrupt halt as she entered the clearing where Sango, Miroku, and Shippo now waited and tried to fight back her tears. But it was no good. All three looked up and saw her face constricted with pain and grief, and they saw the tears that sparkled like stars against her pale skin. Shippo ran up to her and latched onto her leg tightly, crying out: "Kagome! Where'd you go? I was so worried? Are you alright?" Unable to talk, she shook her head. No, she was not alright. She would never be alright again.
Sango stood and walked toward Kagome, worried. "Why're you crying? What did Inuyasha say this time? I told him to apologize, not make things worse."
Kagome looked up at her friend and her eyes were dead beneath the golden brown irises. "He didn't say anything to me. He is preoccupied right now... With Kikyo." Sango stared at her, unable to believe Inuyasha's utter stupidity.
Beyond Sango, Kagome saw Miroku shake his head sadly. "Fool..." he muttered to no one in particular. And though she knew he did not mean her, still Kagome nodded to herself. She was a fool for ever hoping that he could love her.
Back in the forest, Inuyasha broke away from Kikyo's kiss and blinked. Suddenly he didn't know what he was doing there. He said he still loved Kikyo, and supposed that it was true to some extent. Some part of him would always love the woman that had been his first love. But now he couldn't decide if he really loved her, really and truly and passionately loved her. Yes, he was still intent on protecting her. But it was like protecting a shattered dream. The dream is dead and buried and almost beyond recall or desire, and yet still you never wish for that broken dream to be defiled. Kikyo was a shattered dream, an illusion that would never give him the peace or the comfort or the happiness he wanted. He didn't love her enough anymore. He backed away from the frigid, pristine woman and gasped. It was a staggering revelation.
"No," he said quietly. It wasn't much more than a whisper, and yet it took all his strength to say it.
"No what?" Kikyo asked, confused.
"I lied... I was wrong... Only I didn't even know I was lying..."
"About what? You were wrong about what?"
Inuyasha looked up at the dead woman, and in his eyes he saw her fading away into nothing but a shadow, a memory of what could have been but would never be. "I don't love you anymore Kikyo. Once I did, and I will always cherish that memory. But I don't love you anymore."
"How can you say that!" Kikyo exclaimed. "You are mine! I bought you're love with my suffering and with my death! You are mine! It's that little shadow of me isn't it? That tiny naive girl who doesn't even have her own soul? I won't let her have you! I won't! You hear me!" Kikyo struck out to slap Inuyasha but he caught her wrist in one clawed hand easily.
"Kikyo, this is the end of it. Do you hear me?" he said through clenched teeth. "I will protect you as I promised, if I can. But I cannot love you anymore. That dream is dead, at has been dead since you sealed me to that tree fifty years ago. Do you understand! This has nothing to do with what I may or may not feel for Kagome, and even if it did, you would have no say in the matter." He let go of Kikyo's wrist and sighed. "I can't hurt you Kikyo, and I can't hate you. And if I can I will protect you. But... love? Anymore? It is out of the question."
With that Inuyasha leapt into the air and disappeared from Kikyo's sight, into the infinite stretch of tree tops. He still had to find Kagome. He was worried about her, though he would never admit it.
How she'd be soothed, how she'd be saved if he could see
she needs to be held in his arms to be free
But everything happens for reasons that she will never understand
'til she knows that the heart of a woman will never be found
in the arms of a man
Kagome let Sango sit her down next to the fire, and she let Shippo curl up on her lap. But she wasn't feeling much of anything except agony. Tears fell silently down her face and she no longer fought them. What did she care anymore about looking strong? What did she care if Inuyasha hated it when she cried? What did she care about anything anymore?
"Kagome, are you alright?" Sango questioned her a soft, concerned voice.
"No," Kagome whispered. "I can't love him. I can't have him. And I'm nothing without him."
Sango gave Miroku a pained look. How was she supposed to help?
"I knew I could never make him love me, but I thought that if I stayed near him maybe his proximity would be enough to give me some kind of worth... But I was wrong. Without his love, I'm nothing, I'm not worth anything."
Sango stared down at Kagome's lowered head, startled. "That's ridiculous Kagome. Of course you're worth something, you're everything to us Kagome. Don't be absurd. Before you came to this time, before you met me or Miroku or Inuyasha you were important to your family. Your grandfather, your brother, your mother... Weren't you?" Kagome shrugged. "Kagome listen to me!" Sango cried out desperately. Kagome jumped and her brown eyes looked up at her friend. "You are my dearest friend, and you are like a mother to Shippo..." Shippo nodded. "And Miroku cares about you too."
"I know..." Kagome whispered miserably.
"Kagome, you can't look for your worth in the eyes of any man... or even any woman. Perhaps you would be happier if Inuyasha was kinder, if he loved you, but that doesn't mean you can't live without him. Even if you are completely convinced that in his eyes you are nothing, that doesn't mean you are nothing in our eyes, or anyone else's eyes. You must not depend upon one man's love to give your soul worth. Do you understand?"
Kagome did not reply. Still tears ran down her face, and she did not understand what Sango was telling her. All she knew was that her heart was breaking. Kikyo was the original, Kikyo was the beautiful one. She was composed and cool and calm and sophisticated. And compared to her, Kagome was nothing, she did not even have a soul. In Inuyasha's eyes Kagome did not exist, and so perhaps she never really had. "I don't think I can stay here anymore..." she whispered.
Sango opened her mouth to say something, but it was Miroku who spoke first. "Kagome. Go home, spend some time with your family. Get some rest, take care of your injuries... the external ones and the internal ones. But don't stay away forever. Don't give up on coming back at all. Don't do that to us... to me and Sango and Shippo, because we love you. And don't do that to Inuyasha, because I really do think he cares more than he lets on. And don't do that to yourself. I think you would hurt yourself the most if you never came back, you love him to much to give up forever." Sango gazed at him and smiled softly, pleasantly surprised by the moment of wise and compassionate advice. But Kagome could say nothing because she truly could not decide if she was coming back or not. Slowly she stood, wincing at the exquisite pain in her side as she did. She clutched her side in reflex and when she pulled her hand away she found blood on her fingers.
"Kagome! Your wound!" Shippo exclaimed.
"Oh! Kagome! I knew you shouldn't have been moving around. It's re-opened!" Sango gasped. She moved to tend to the wound but Kagome shrugged off her touch.
"It doesn't matter," Kagome said. "I just want to leave. Now." Brushing past her worried friends, she walked toward the village and the well. It was an hour away, but she didn't care.
Not long after leaving Kikyo behind, Inuyasha realized that Kagome's scent was leading him back to the camp and the others. So, abandoning all conventions of safety, he barreled through the treetops to return to the camp. In a graceful swirl of red and silver, he landed next to the fire, and found himself looking at Sango, Miroku, and Shippo who were sitting side by side and watching the fire sadly. Kagome was no where in sight. "Where is she?" he asked, a little more gruffly than he had intended. Shippo glared daggers at him, then looked away. Sango regarded him with watery eyes and did not respond either.
Finally Miroku looked up at him and said quietly firmly: "Inuyasha, you are the biggest fool I have ever known."
"Excuse me," he growled.
"Don't you growl at me," Miroku snapped, and Inuyasha blinked. Since when did the monk yell at him? "You are a fool. A complete and utter fool. What the hell did you think you were doing? Huh? You trying to drive that girl insane! 'Cause if you are, I can assure you, you're succeeding!"
"Feh." Inuyasha plopped down in the dirt next to the fire and tried to act like he didn't care.
"And you have just proved beyond any doubt that you are a fool," Sango whispered.
Inuyasha refused to look at any of them for a long minute, but guilt was tearing at him, and more than that, he was suddenly very worried about Kagome. "Where did she go?" he muttered.
"Back to the well," Miroku said.
"Its an hour's walk from here!" he cried out.
"I know that, and so did she, she didn't care."
"And she's injured!"
"I repeat: she didn't care."
Sango looked up, her eyes filled with tears again. "Her wound re-opened and she wouldn't let me fix it," she miserably.
"Kami, what is wrong with that girl!" Inuyasha exclaimed as he stood. "She's gonna get herself killed. What the hell is she thinking!"
"She was thinking about you..." Sango muttered. She said it quietly, but of course Inuyasha's ears pick up quite abit. His head whipped to the side to look at her with something akin to horror on his face.
"What made you say that?"
"If you don't realize that, you are not only a fool, you're a heartless fool," she told him.
"She saw me with Kikyo... didn't she?"
No one said anything, they all looked down at their feet sadly.
"Didn't she?!" he bellowed.
"Yes!" Sango hissed. "Yes! You bastard! She always sees you! Even when she's in her own time, centuries away! All she ever sees is you!"
"Shit!" Inuyasha cursed, and he ran after her.
She must rinse this all away
She can't hold anybody this way
She must rinse this all away
She can't love him . . .
Kagome thought she might collapse long before she ever reached the well. Her side was bleeding again, and the pain was almost unbearable, but apparently she could bear it anyway, for she kept walking. The thought that she might collapse and Inuyasha would find her and take her back to the camp was not an appealing one, but she kept walking anyway. The thought that she might die there was not appealing either, but she did not stop. She took another deep breath and she took another step. And if she kept going that way she would reach the well eventually. Probably not without having first been confronted and yelled at by Inuyasha, but what did she really care if he wanted to scream at her some more. She was used it.
As the night grew darker around her, she suddenly wanted to lay down and never stand up again. Maybe the pain would go away if she just curled into a tiny ball and never moved. She could lay in the cradle of the deep, dark forest and passively watch the entire world go on without her. If she stayed still long enough, maybe her heart would grow numb and she would never have to feel pain again. And she could watch the world without ever fearing that it would betray her.
Tears once again welled up in her eyes, but she shook her head, refusing to cry and shaking herself free of her thoughts. She was being silly and she knew it. She just needed to go home and stay away from this place and live the life she was suppose to have before she ever fell through the well and met Inuyasha. A life of complacency and monotony, perhaps, but a safe painless life that would not betray her.
She judged herself to be maybe half an hour from the well when Inuyasha appeared. She heard the soft swish of his lean, graceful body slicing through the night air and bounding over trees before she saw the red haori and the silver hair landing just in front of her, and she was prepared. She did not jump in surprise or gasp or curse or react at all, like she was sure he expected her to, she simply walked around him. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he demanded, as he maneuvered himself to stand in her path again.
"Home."
"Who said you could?"
"Inuyasha, I need neither your permission, nor anyone else's. Is that understood?" she said coldly. He blinked at her. This was not the Kagome he was use to, of course, but he would have to get use to it, she thought bitterly, because she had no intention of letting him hurt her again.
"But... But you can't go," Inuyasha said, a little less forcefully than his usual arguments were.
"Why not? I will be no use to you while I'm injured so you can't go dragging me about looking for your gods-be-damned jewel shards. So you can have no real objection, and I am going home." He looked at her and she looked back. "Move." Her voice was quiet, but the command was forceful, beyond dispute. Inuyasha moved. Kagome walked on in the direction of the well, and surprisingly, Inuyasha walked beside her. Either he planned on finding some way to stop her, or he was going to make sure she at least got there safely as long as he was unable to stop her from going at all. She could not decide which motive she preferred he had.
For a long silent time they simply walked side-by-side. The silver-haired hanyou looked thoughtful, and a little guilty. The raven-haired miko looked determined... and in pain. Kagome tripped over a tree root and cried out in pain as her side flared with immense agony and she began to fall. Almost as if by instinct, Inuyasha caught her and righted her footing before she had a chance to hit the ground. But instead of thanking him, she yanked her arm from his grip and hissed: "Don't touch me." She was now only ten minutes away from the well, she did not want to be delayed, and she did not want to cry again. She wanted Inuyasha to leave her alone.
This is not going well, Inuyasha thought miserably as he let go of Kagome's arm. I said everything wrong, and now she's even more pissed at me. He sighed and decided once and for all that something had to be said. What, he was not sure. But something. So he opened his mouth and said the first thing that came to mind. Which is, of course, never a good idea if you are a hanyou named Inuyasha. "If this is all about me running into Kikyo, you're being ridiculous." In the same painful, shocking instant both froze. Neither could believe what Inuyasha had said. Inuyasha halted halfway through his step and closed his eyes slowly. What did I just do... Kagome looked as if she had slammed into an invisible wall. For a moment she did not move, then she slowly turned around and stared at Inuyasha with wide dark eyes.
"Running into...." she whispered. Then she bellowed: "Oh you RAN into her alright! You ran RIGHT into her! But what the hell do I care? I'm just a shard detector. I don't even HAVE feelings! I don't give a damn what you do with that half-dead bitch. I'm leaving because I got a claw through my stomach trying to save your ass and instead of thanking me you insult me. I'm leaving because I'm sick of sleeping on the ground and eating fried fish and ramen, and being attacked by bloodthirsty demons and putting up with you're bullshit! I don't give a damn about you and Kikyo! So just go back to her and leave me alone!"
She spun away and walked as fast as her wound would allow her, toward the well. Inuyasha wanted to call to her, chase after her, tell her what he was really trying to say in between fits of foot-in-mouth disease. But he found he could not move, his limbs did not obey his commands. It was too late, there was nothing he could. She hated him. He hadn't realized exactly how much he needed her until that revelation hit him. She hated him. There was something wet trailing down his face. Nervously, he touched his cheek with one clawed finger. He could almost swear he was crying, only.... I do not cry. He shook his head, freeing himself of these tears that did not actually exist. Then he turned, suddenly able to move again, and walked slowly back to the camp.
Kagome made it to the well without further incident, though she was crying openly now. When she had screamed at Inuyasha she had not thought he would actually do what she said... and leave. She did not want him to leave. She needed him like the air she breathed. She sobbed as she walked and halted in front of the well. Could she really leave him behind? Could she leave and never come back? Could she leave at all, even for a short time, while her heart stayed here in the dark forest? She shook her head sadly and still more tears fell to the ground. I don't want to leave. I can't live without him. I'm nothing without his love... and so I am nothing. But maybe I can exist as long as I stay in his sight.
Then she shook her head again. She did not exist, because he never saw her. All he saw was Kikyo. And she could not live like that, watching him chase after her for all eternity. She could not love him like that, it was too painful. Taking a deep breath she climbed onto the lip of the well and sat there, her feet dangling above her present and future. She could not stay. Better to leave now. With one final sob and a whispered: "Goodbye Inuyasha..." she leapt down into the darkness...
...And landed in her own time, in her family's shrine, in her home. With tears staining her cheeks, she crawled out of the well. Silently, she walked up to her house. Her mother greeted her with surprise and delight when she opened the door, but Kagome could not find the energy or the heart to show much joy in return. She knew that she would hurt her family by acting this way, and yet she could barely care. She did not really exist anyway. How could something that did not exist hurt anything?
And if she runs away she fears she won't be followed
What could be worse than leaving something behind?
And as the depths of oceans slowly become shallow
It's loneliness she finds...
"If only he was mine..."
Kagome spent the next three days in her room. She did not go to school. She did not talk to her family. She did not even eat. With a torn shirt, she re-bound the wound on her side and simply ignored any further pain or bleeding that came. She simply sat in her room and staring out the window, or slept. Every so often her mother or brother or grandfather would try to talk to her, but she kept the door locked and would not respond. Finally, her mother stood outside the door and said: "You don't have to talk to me if you don't want to, but listen, Kagome. That's all you have to do." Her voice was soft and gentle and understanding, just like always. Kagome lay on her bed, staring at the ceiling, and waited for her mother to continue.
"You know, when I was young, not long before I met your father, I was in love with this young man I went to school with," her mother began. "He was handsome and intelligent. HE was extremely popular. All the girls adored him, he always had a different girlfriend. I loved him dearly. IF you had asked me then, I would have said he was perfect in every way and I was going to die because he didn't love him. In fact, he barely knew I existed. In college, we had several classes together, and he seemed to like me a little... as a friend. But I doubt he really comprehended the fact that I was a woman just like all the others that fell head over heels in love with him. To him, my love didn't exist. I felt worthless and unloved and just wanted to fade away.
"But my father told me that I was being silly. He told me that my worth was not determined by one man's love. It is determined by how many people I try to help in life, by how many affect in life. IT is determined by how many people I love, not how many people love me. So I thought about that for awhile, and even though I didn't completely understand, I felt a little better. And then I met your father, and he told me he fell in love with me because I was so compassionate to everyone I knew -- even the ones who were rude or didn't seem to like me very much. And that's when I finally understood what my father was saying.
"And in the end, I didn't need that one man's love to make me worth something. My father thought I was worth a lot, even though my first love would have nothing to do with me. And I was much happier with your father than I ever was with the other man. So it was good thing he did reject me. If I had still been in love with him, I never would have known to fall in love with your father."
Kagome lay perfectly still on her bed, trying to breathe. Her mother's story brought all her memories to the surface, and now she was crying again. And she couldn't understand. Wasn't the number of people who loved her more important than how many people she loved?
"Kagome?" her mother called quietly. "Am I making any sense to you?" Kagome shook her head, but of course her mother couldn't see the motion. "I suppose not," her mother sighed after a moment. "But in time, Kagome. In time you'll come to understand." Kagome listened silently, as the sound of her mother's retreating footsteps disappeared from her ears, and then she let herself cry louder.
As she lay there, she thought of other times she had run back to her own time to hide from Inuyasha. Before, he had always come for her, practically ordering her to come back. But three days had passed, and he had not come. And she feared that this time, he would never come for her again. This was finally it... the end. "Oh, Inuyasha," she sobbed. She cried herself to sleep.
The next day Hojo came to the house asking about her. She told her mother to send him away, to tell him that she wasn't well enough to see anyone. But her mother had decided that enough was enough. "Come on in, Hojo," her mother said cheerfully. "Kagome's not feeling well, but I think a visit from you will do her a world of good."
Kagome knew this was lie, in fact it was liable to make things worse. But her poor mother didn't mean to lie, she just didn't understand. Kagome didn't bother to change into better clothes -- the pants and shirt she wore were wrinkled and looked slept in, which they had been. And she didn't bother to comb her frizzled, tangled hair. Her face was sallow and too thin because she hadn't eaten in four days, and she was barely strong enough to sit up in bed now. Her wound still hurt immensely on occasion, and there had been some more bleeding that she had been unable to stop for quite awhile. But she didn't bother to fix anything. What did she care if Hojo saw her like this? It didn't matter.
"Hello, Kagome," he said cheerfully as he walked in. Then he froze. He took in her hollowed face, the dark circles beneath her eyes, the way she slumped against a pillow propped against her headboard as if her muscles could barely handle sitting up, how thin her wrists were as she held her hands clasped on her lap, above her sheet. "Are you alright? You don't look so good."
She gave him a bitter smile in response to this major understatement and said in a soft, slightly raspy voice: "I'm fine, Hojo. How are you?"
"Uh... um... fine," he stuttered.
"Please sit," she told him. He obeyed, grabbing the chair from her desk and pulling it up beside her.
"I... uh... I brought you a book," he told her after an awkward moment of silence. "I heard you were bed-ridden and I thought you were probably bored."
"Oh, not really," Kagome said, her tone a strange mix of sarcasm and nonchalance. "I've come to enjoy staring at the ceiling and talking to myself."
Hojo sort of laughed for a second, but it was an uncertain sound, and he looked supremely uncomfortable. He couldn't tell if she was joking or not. Poor thing, Kagome thought, not really feeling much sympathy at all. He shifted on his chair, and glanced around the room nervously.
"So, um," he said after awhile. "I was wondering... When you're feeling better again, if you'd like to go to dinner and a movie with me sometime."
Kagome stared at him for a moment, then shook her head. "Hojo, I can't. I'm not interested in you. I'm sorry."
"Oh, well, that's alright..." Hojo stuttered. "I understand. You can't control how you feel about someone after all. I just thought..."
"Besides which, I don't think I'm going to get better this time," Kagome added in a near-whisper.
"What d'you mean, Kagome?" Hojo gasped, horrified. "You're not dying?!"
She gave him a pale smile. "Only my heart," she said.
"You have heart problems!"
"Don't worry about it, Hojo. I'm not your problem to worry about. Alright?" she told him quietly. "I'm tired now. I think I need to sleep. So I'll see you again sometime, maybe. Alright?" He gave her a wide-eyed look and stood from the chair.
"I... uh... Alright..." he whispered. "Goodbye Kagome." And he left. Kagome turned onto her side, facing the wall, pulled the sheet over her head and closed her eyes.
Kagome glared at the inside of her eyelids and began to cry again. Even with Hojo sitting there trying to take care of her, she only felt horribly alone. She had left the only thing she ever really wanted behind, a few hundred yards and five centuries away. Now loneliness was eating away at her soul, and she was fairly certain the hole that was left would soon swallow her up as completely as Miroku's windtunnel ever could.
Inuyasha could not stand the silence. Miroku spoke to him only to berate him. Sango watched him sadly, as if the very thought of Kagome's heartache and Inuyasha's hand in it were enough to make her own heart break. And Shippo seemed to hate him so thoroughly that his gaze was enough to make Inuyasha's flesh crawl, despite the fact that even in his deepest rage the small kitsune could never hope to be a threat to Inuyasha. By the end of the second day, he simply stayed away from the village, and away from the ones he normally called friends. He stayed at the God Tree, sitting on his high perch with Testusaiga leaning against his shoulder.
He wondered if Kagome was alright. He wondered if her wound was healing properly, if she was still in pain, if her mother blamed him for getting her injured in the first place. Most of all, he wondered if she would ever come back. And he feared more than anything, that she wouldn't. After the last incident on the way to well, he finally realized what Kagome was to him. And he was terrified that he would never have the chance to tell her. But he was also afraid to go to her time and bring her back. The fury she had thrown at him had been intense and painful and unforgiving. He didn't think he could face such hatred again, not from her, of all people.
For he finally understood that he needed her, that he loved her. After all that time chasing after Kikyo, after all that time pining for a dead thing that could never be the woman he had once loved, after all that time pushing Kagome away and insulting her and hurting her, he finally understood everything. He was terrified of getting too close and being rejected, of falling in love and being betrayed. But in the end his fear didn't matter. He needed her. And that was all that mattered.
Now he just had to find the courage to tell her. Now he just had to find some way to make her stop hating him. Now he had to make her love him too, no matter what it took. And to do that, he would do anything. He would do anything, but that left him a lot of options. Now he just had to figure out what, in Kami's name, would actually work?
She'd do anything to sparkle in his eye
She would suffer, she would fight, and compromise
She's been wishin' on the stars that shine so bright
For answers to questions that will haunt her tonight
Kagome finally emerged from her room three days after Hojo's visit. She still refused to eat, but she let her mother tend to the wound that was finally starting to close. And that night she walked to the God Tree. On the way there, she stared up the stars, letting her feet walk the path she knew all too well without bothering to look down. Her heart was screaming at those tiny specks of light, begging for answers. Answers to what questions, she didn't even know. But someone needed to explain SOMETHING to her, before she lost the last bit of her sanity. Unfortunately, it didn't seem that answers would be very forthcoming.
As she came to the God Tree, she saw a woman standing beside it. Judging from the jacket tied about her waist and the camera hanging from her neck, she was a tourist who had come to visit the Shrine. It was its most beautiful at night, with the Japanese lanterns lit and the tree looming in the dark sky in all its glory. But this woman looked rather distraught.
"Naota! Get down here now!" the woman cried as she stared up into the tree.
Kagome followed the woman's gaze and saw a young boy climbing the highest branches of the tree. How dare he! she thought angrily. The tree was sacred. There was a fence around it for a reason. Little boys should not be climbing it. It was Inuyasha's tree, dammit! "Get him down now!" she shouted angrily as she strode quickly forward. She was weaker than a kitten, her legs felt like jelly, her head hurt. She hadn't eaten in a week, and truthfully, she shouldn't have been walking around. But as she walked toward the God Tree, she felt her stride grow strong. no one should touch Inuyasha's tree.
Then, as she walked forward, she heard a brittle snap, and a heart-stopping scream, and saw the boy falling before her eyes. Before she even knew what she was doing, she ran as fast as she could, ignoring screeching limbs and pounding heart and belabored lungs, and caught the boy just before he hit the ground. She crashed to the ground painfully. Her wound flared with pain, and she was not surprised when she felt blood trickling down her side. But the boy seemed relatively unharmed, except for a few scratches and bruises, and that was all that really mattered.
"Oh God!" the woman cried out. The boy sobbing on top of Kagome as she struggled to sit up. "Oh God! Thank you!" the woman cried out again. She ran to them and lifted her boy from off Kagome and put him down again on his feet. She brushed him off and checked him over for major injuries and hugged him and cried some more and told him he was completely alright and it was all over now and it was all his fault for disobeying her and climbing the tree. Then she turned to Kagome and fell to her knees and hugged the girl as she sat there trying to see past the pain her side.
Kagome blinked, confused. "Thank you! You are a savior! You saved my little boy! You saved his life! Thank you so much! I will owe you forever! I can't possibly thank you enough! If you hadn't been there..." The woman sobbed into Kagome's shoulder and Kagome sat there stiffly, unsure of what to do. A moment later, Kagome's mother appeared. She helped Kagome back the house and sent the grateful mother and child on their way.
And as her mother once again patched up her wounded side, Kagome sat in silence and thought. And finally, it dawned on her. She was important. To her mother and her brother and her grandfather, who had been worrying about her and trying to help her for a week now. To her friends at school who constantly called. To Hojo who had tried so long to gain her interest, and who was so understanding when he failed. To Miroku and Sango and Shippo, who regarded her as an invaluable part of their lives. Even to the random stranger who would have lost her child if Kagome had not been there to help, she was important, a savior even. She would always be miserable without Inuyasha's love, but she was still able to love others, to help others, to be important and special to others. Finally, what Sango had said, what her mother had said... It all made sense.
She must rinse him
She must rinse him
Sore and tired and confused and still heart-broken, Kagome climbed up the stairs to take a shower. She had to stop thinking about Inuyasha. She couldn't have him.
She can't rinse him
She can't rinse him
She didn't want to give him up though. She needed him like the air she breathed. She needed him more than the food she refused to eat. All she wanted was to be near him. She let the steaming water of the shower run over her, closing her eyes and lifting her face to the stream. She realized now that it was her love for him that made her real, not his love for her. She understood now that she decided her own self-worth. If her love for him was real, than she was real. She did not need him to make her existence a reality. But she still needed him to make her existence a happy one. Just because he didn't love her, didn't suddenly make her stop loving him.
She can't, she won't, she must rinse him
She can't, she won't, she must rinse him
Kagome leaned her head against the tiled wall of the shower and let the tears fall, knowing no one would see them against the water of the shower that ran down her face. She wanted him so badly her bones ached with desire. She needed him so badly her soul sang with the pain of loss. But she could not have him. She must give him up.
She must rinse this all away
She can't hold him this way
She must rinse this all away
She can't love him this way
She did not have the right to love him if she could not face him despite the pain in her heart. She could not lay the burden of her self-worth on his shoulders. It was too much for any man to carry. She had to carry it herself. And if she could not even love herself, how could she hope to make him love her too. She shook her head and let the water pour down her face. How could she ever expect to hold him when she had no self-respect? She couldn't love him that way.
But if she had the courage to go back to him, despite the pain, despite knowing he would never see her, and if she could love him wholly and truly even then... She could love him that way.
By the time she had climbed from the shower, dried off, and dressed herself, she had realized she wanted to go back. No matter what the consequences. Only then did she realize exactly how much she loved the hanyou called Inuyasha.
A million stars light this beautiful night
This is not a night to die
Let me sing and dance beneath the sky
I have such love to give!
I want a chance to live
Live
for the one I love
Love
as no one has loved
Give
asking nothing in return
Free
Free to find my way
Free to have my say
Free to see the day
Be
like I use to be
like a wild bird free
with all of life in me
Though this world tears us apart
We're still together in my heart
I want the world to hear my cry
And even if I have to die, love with not die
Love will change the world
Live
for the one I love
Love
as no one has loved
Give
asking nothing in return
I'll love until love wears me away
I'll die and I know my love will stay
And I know, I know my love will stay
Inuyasha stood in front of the well and stared at it for an entire day. He wanted to see her. He needed to see her. But he couldn't face her. Not after all the times he had scorned her and gone running to Kikyo instead, not after all the things he'd said to her the last time he saw her, not after the sound of her furious voice had frozen him in his steps that day a week ago. He was scared to face the hatred he knew he would find in her brown eyes. He knew the sight would break his heart. But he also knew he needed to see her. Inuyasha had lived quite a few years knowing exactly what he wanted to do, and doing it. Now he was so completely unsure of himself he couldn't even move.
Then suddenly, a flash of purple-pink light exploded from the well. That could only mean one thing. Kagome. He could smell her before he could see her. That beautiful scent of clean soap, and the roses that she loved so much, and that special something that was completely inseparable from her, even when no other scent clung to her. But there was something wrong with the scent as well. The salty smell of tears, the bitter fragrance of despair, and something else that smelled like sickness or death.
Before he could contemplate on these scents, he saw her hands grasp the wood of the well and pull her to his level. Looking up to see who was standing there, Kagome froze and her brown eyes locked with his golden ones. "Inuyasha?" she whispered. Her grip on the lip of the well faltered and she nearly fell backward into the hole, but Inuyasha grabbed her wrist and yanked her toward him just in time. And the wrist he held in his grip was far too thin, horribly thin.
"Kagome?" he whispered back. He stared down into her face. It was sickly pale, her cheeks were hollow, her eyes were dark and ringed in heavy circles. She looked so thin and fragile that he feared one well-placed tap of his finger would easily break her. "What happened to you? Are you alright?" he breathed.
Kagome nodded and sat down on in the grass, her back against the well. "I'm alright," she told him, but her voice was so soft, too soft for vibrant, cheerful, unbreakable Kagome.
"You're lying to me." It was not a question.
She smiled at him, and despite the state she was in, it was a gorgeous smile, though somehow sad. "I had some trouble," she said. "I was sick for awhile. But I'm better now. The cause no longer exists. You don't need to worry."
He took a deep breath, ready to confess right then and there, when she suddenly stood up. "I'm sorry I ran off last week. I was angry, but I shouldn't have been. It doesn't really matter to me what you do." In other words, Inuyasha thought sadly, I don't really matter to you. "Well, I'm sure the others have been worried about me. I better go put their fears to rest." Kagome headed toward the village. After a few steps she paused and turned to look at him. "Inuyasha, I didn't have the energy to bring my backpack through the well with me. I left it by the steps. Could you get it for me, please? I packed some ramen. I'll make you some when you get back, alright?" With that she turned and walked to the village. Stunned, confused, and suddenly heart-broken, Inuyasha watched her go and did not say a word.
Kagome took a deep breath as she walked out of Inuyasha's sight. It had been so hard seeing him there, looking so concerned, and not confessing once and for all how she really felt about him. But it would be a burden on him. She knew he considered her a friend, and so he'd feel guilty about not being able to return her love. It was enough that she knew she loved him, and she could stay by his side. She'd said it before, and then she had nearly despaired, but her resolve had returned stronger than ever. She could love him this way, never expecting anything in return. She could do it. She was certain.
She composed her features and straightened her jeans and sweater as she reached the village. She could do nothing about the pallor of her face or the sickly look of her body, but she could easily explain that all away with the wound she had received a week ago. When she was certain she looked presentable, she walked into the village. The first person she saw was Miroku, flirting with one of the village girls as usual.
"Kagome!" he exclaimed when he saw her, immediately leaving the young woman he had been seducing to give Kagome a big hug. "I'm so glad you've returned. We were so worried about you, and Inuyasha has been moping like a little child. He was driving us all insane. And Shippo, he..." Miroku froze halfway through his sentence and looked down at Kagome. "You look ill," he said quietly. "Did you're wound go bad at home?" he asked. She nodded, thankful that he began the lie himself. "Then why are you here? You should be resting!"
"It's better now. I'm just still a little weak. I wanted see everyone. I missed you all," she said.
"but you missed one of us more than the rest, did you not?" he said.
Kagome shrugged.
A moment later, Sango and Shippo had come running. "Kagome!" Shippo cried out. He leapt into the air, headed for Kagome's embrace, but was caught mid-jump by Inuyasha, who had suddenly appeared out of nowhere with Kagome's large yellow backpack in tow.
"Don't jump on her, Shrimp," he said sternly. "Can't you see she's ill? Looks like one good jolt would break her."
Shippo looked up at Kagome with teary eyes and said sadly: "I just wanted to give you hug, Kagome. I'm sorry."
Kagome gave him a brilliant smile. "It's alright, Shippo. Inuyasha's right, I haven't been feeling well. But you can still give me a hug. Just don't jump on me right now, okay?" Shippo nodded earnestly, and Kagome took him gently from Inuyasha's hold and hugged him close.
"I missed you, Kagome," Shippo said.
"I missed you too."
"As did we all," Sango said.
"Aye," added Kaede, who had appeared from behind Sango.
"Hello, Sango, Kaede... I'm sorry I was gone so long. I didn't mean to worry anyone."
"T'is alright, Child," Kaede said in her aging, sage-like voice. "Ye are back now, that is all that matters. Is that not right, Inuyasha?" she added.
Inuyasha looked extremely uncomfortable for a moment, then he simply nodded and leapt back into the trees. Kagome looked after him, confused. It was unlike him to agree, even wordlessly as that, that he was glad she was back. Strange...
That night Inuyasha slept outside, on the God Tree, and the others slept in their little hut. Long after Miroku and Shippo had fallen asleep, Kagome was still awake, and so too, she discovered, was Sango. "Kagome," she whispered, "You have not been well, and it was not all due to the wound you received fighting that demon, was it?"
"No," she admitted to her friend.
"You made yourself ill over Inuyasha, didn't you?"
"I think I nearly killed myself..." Kagome whispered, "by not eating, and thinking of nothing else but him..." With a sigh, she told her friend about the week she had spent starving herself, and nearly driving herself insane by thinking about Inuyasha, and about her revelation after saving the boy who had fallen from the tree. "But I think I understand what you were trying to tell me that night, Sango. About not putting my worth in the hands of anyone but myself. I think I finally understand, and so I came back, and I'm willing to live with my own love for him, and without his love for me."
"I'm glad," Sango whispered. "I'm glad you are willing to live even if he does not love you. But I would not be so sure of the need to do so, if I were you."
"What do you mean?" Kagome whispered back, confused.
"Nothing. You'll learn in time, I think. Good night." And for all Kagome could tell, Sango fell asleep.
For four days Kagome ate and rested and took healing herbs that Kaede pressed her to take, and took long baths in the hot springs. She took long walks through Inuyasha's Forest to think and to regain her strength. By the end of the fourth day, she was mostly herself again, though she was still far too thin and pale, and much quieter than she had ever been before. She thought a lot about Kikyo and Inuyasha and herself, and though it still hurt and always would, she thought that her week of torture and her sudden epiphany had taught her how to be patient with the pain and grateful for the love within her own heart. She would always love Inuyasha, and now she could be content with that truth within herself, she no longer wished to be rid of her love, she no longer hated herself for feeling that way. It was perfectly natural that she should love this man who was so dear to her, even if he could never love her back.
She watched him as often as she could without getting caught, gazing at him from across the fire during meals, and watching him long into the night when everyone else had fallen asleep. And the very nearness of him, made her happy. And he watched her too, though she did not know it. It tortured him that she might hate him. Her words before and after her disappearance through the well haunted him. As did the sight of her, so thin and frail. He was worried about her. But at the same time he noticed that she seemed somehow at peace. She looked sad all the time, and she was so much quieter, she no longer laughed for no reason or smiled as brightly as she used to, but there was a sort of quiet, peaceful resignation about her. When she smiled, she seemed horribly sad, but also content with her sadness. It was strange.
On the fifth day after her return through the well, Kagome decided to take another long walk in the evening, and Inuyasha decided to follow her from a discreet distance. Before too long, she ended up at the lake, and Inuyasha was about to leave, not wanting to spy on her while she bathed. but she did not move to take off her clothes. Instead she simply sat by the lake, took off her shoes and socks and dipped her feet in the water. She sat there in silence for a long time, and Inuyasha could not take his eyes off her. Her dark hair was loose about her face, blowing slightly in the soft wind. The moon was full and reflected off the water, dancing across her creamy skin like fairies of light. Her long, slender legs looked graceful as she dangled her feet in the water.
After awhile, a soft noise came to his large ears, so soft that no human would have been able to hear it. But his hearing was keen, of course, and he heard it quite clearly. Kagome was singing softly under her breath. And as she did, she cried. "She would do anything to sparkle in his eyes, she would suffer, she would fight, and compromise. She's been wishing on the stars that shine so bright, for answers to questions that will haunt her tonight..." She sang and the song ran through him, and as he listened to her sad voice, Inuyasha knew she was singing about herself.
"She must rinse this all away. She can't hold him this way. She must rinse this all away. She can't love him... this way."
He silently stepped from his hiding place, but she did not see him because he was still behind her. Her sorrow was calling to him. He wanted to fold her in his arms and protect her from her pain. He wanted to be the one she was crying for, so that he could wipe away her tears and tell her they were never necessary.
"How she'd be soothed, how she'd be saved, if he could see... She needs to be held in his arms to be free. But everything happens for reasons that she will never under..." Her voice broke and she suddenly stopped singing. "Oh, Kami, help me," she sobbed quietly as she covered her face with her hands.
"Kagome," he said quietly, unable to keep silent any longer. She lowered her hands and turned to look at him, horror and embarrassment written clear as day on her face. "Why're you crying?" he asked, though he could guess the answer and wasn't sure he wanted to know. "Is it that Hojo guy? Shall I break his arms for you?" he growled, trying to keep his jealousy and rage bottled.
"Hojo?' she said, with a choked and bitter laugh. "Inuyasha... You are a fool." Then she stood and ran, not even bothering to grab her shoes.
"Wait! Kagome!" he called out.
He stood there for a moment, uncertain about what had just happened. He was trying to be understanding, he was trying to comfort her, he was trying not to let his jealousy get the better of him, he was trying not to hurt her. So why had she...? Inuyasha... You are a fool, she had said. And Sango, a week ago: She always sees you! Even when she's in her own time, centuries away! All she ever sees is you!
"She couldn't possibly..." he choked. Maybe, just maybe... He could still hear her running, she wasn't going very fast, she was probably still a little weak. But she was quickly gaining ground while he stood there immobile. "Dammit! You're not getting away now. Not now that I finally understand!"
Inuyasha leapt into motion, diving through the forest headlong to catch up with Kagome. She was weaker and slower than usual, and his need spurred him on. I thirty seconds he had caught up to her. She never heard him coming, but suddenly he was standing there in front of her, looking almost god-like in his crimson haori, with silver hair falling about his face an his gold eyes flashing.
"Why did you run away from me, Kagome?" he asked, his voice rough with emotion. She did not answer, in fact could not. "You can't hide anymore, you can't hide in the village, you can't hide from me. I..."
"You what, Inuyasha?" Kagome interrupted sharply. "You're worried about me? You care about me? You love me?" she interrogated, choking on the last bit painfully. "Don't lie to me. If you lie to me, I'll lose everything. I fought so hard for this strength, this courage, and you'll destroy it all. I left to die. Did you know that?" she spat at him angrily. "For a week I refused to eat, I wasted away. Because without your love I was worth nothing, I didn't exist." Inuyasha whimpered, she heard it, and she was shocked, but she would not let him interrupt her.
"But then a little boy I didn't even know helped me realize that wasn't true. Maybe I was miserable without your love, maybe I didn't want to live without your love, but I did exist. I did matter. Because if I didn't exist just because you couldn't see me, than my love for you didn't exist either. And I knew that wasn't true, because my love for you is the one and only thing I am completely sure of. My love for you was real, more real than anything, more real than the sun above me or the earth beneath me. So I must be real too. So I came back, letting my love for you hold me up because I knew I could never have your love as my strength. And I prayed that I would have enough courage to watch you with Kikyo and not break my heart."
She took a deep breath and continued before Inuyasha could speak. "And I was never going to tell you any of this. I was never going to burden you with it. But now you know, and now I trust you will agree that I have the right to hide from you in the village all I want."
Kagome brushed past him and tried to walk away while he stood there for a moment unable to speak. He swore, for a moment during her speech his heart had actually stopped. But now he reached back and held her shoulder gently and said: "Kagome, wait, please..."
Kagome froze. The word 'please' fro his lips was astounding enough, but she had never heard such desperate pleading in Inuyasha's voice before and she was stunned.
"Don't leave me now," he begged. "What you saw with Kikyo a week ago was a mistake. One I realized immediately. I lied to her and to myself. I thought I still loved her but I didn't. I was just trying to protect the memory of a dream that died ages ago, and I was getting the remembering confused with real love. But Kagome, when you yelled at me then, when I thought you hated me, I realized that it was you I wanted. It was you I needed, you I loved. And I'll die if you walk away from me now."
Kagome stared up at him in shock and awe, and tears of joy slid down her cheeks.
"Oh Kami! Kagome, don't cry! Please, please, please don't cry! You can't leave me now. I won't let you." And he clasped her shoulders and kissed her hard and passionately and long, and she did not fight him. Instead, she melted into his embrace. In his arms, Kagome finally felt at peace. She had found where she belonged, she had found her home. Wrapping her arms tightly around Inuyasha's neck, tangling her fingers in his silver hair, she laughed for joy and kissed him again.
The first time ever I saw your face
I thought the sun roe in your eyes
And the moon and the stars were the gifts you gave
To the night and the empty skies my love
To the night and the empty skies
The first time ever I kissed your mouth
I felt the earth turn in my hand
Like the trembling heart of a captive bird
That was there at my command my love
That was there at my command
The first time ever I lay with you
And felt your heart beat close to mine
I thought our joy would fill the earth
And would last til the end of time my love
And would last til the end of time
The first time ever I saw your face
I thought the sun rose in your eyes
And the moon and the stars were the gifts you gave
To the night and the empty skies my love
To the night and the empty skies
Author's Note: So ends my very first experience with fanfic story writing. I hope it wasn't too bad. Well, tell me what you think, in any case. And I'll see you guys again sooner or later, if I ever try this fanfic thing again.
Sumiko Kenchi Haimoto