A long time ago, in a server far, far away, there was a Sniper with the Sydney Sleeper, who waved after every kill, and his trusty companion, a festive Pyro with googly eyes. But one day, the Sniper stopped waving, and threw piss to commemorate a slain foe. And by the hand of God, the piss splashed upon an opposing Demoman.
The Sniper then blindly charged forward, shiv of the tribalmen in hand, and right behind him was his trusty companion, calling forth a burst of flames. However, the demo was crafty, and fled into the sewers of the holy land of Teufort. Thus the Pyro, his eyes infallibly googly, withdrew the Holy Scorch Shot of Antioch, as mentioned in the Book of Armaments.
Surprisingly, though, the piss was quite strange, and refused to be removed by the waters of Teufort, binding to the Demo's cursed golf club. But the demo remained submerged, in hopes that he could evade the hell fires the Pyro was summoning with his heavenly weapons.
The demo, being a crafty Scotsman, led the Sniper and his googly-eyed companion into a trap; that of an engibee nest. The Pyro, for reasons unknown, foolishly attempted to airblast the rockets from the patrolling sentries. Needless to say, he failed and was severely injured. The Sniper had obtained yet more piss, and threw it at the engibee nest, critically damaging the constructs and humiliating the engibees.
As the Pyro lay bleeding out, he called for help from above. His pleas were answered when the Lord Gaben bestowed upon the Sniper the fantastical Huntsman, along with the Taunt Key of Power. Huntsman in hand, the Sniper fired arrows, pinning engibees to walls, and taunting after every engibee slain.
Suddenly, a mystical glow erupted around them. The Sniper, confused and suddenly in flames, launched piss at his feet. The Lord Gaben spoke then, and he revealed the three words of ultimate power: "stab stab stab."
With knowledge of these words, the Sniper found targets, marking them for the hunt with Jarate, and slaying them with an arrow to the torso. However, the natural predator of the Sniper, the Spybot, had appeared.
As a parting gift to the pair, Lord Gaben reached to the dying Pyro and bestowed upon him the Ancient Medkit of Wisdom. With renewed vigor, the Pyro began his search for the Spy. However, the Spybot, being a specialty unit from Gray Mann, was fireproof
Upon finding the Spy and discovering this, the Pyro was forced to resort to his ultimate weapon the Mystical Rake of Pyronus. It was originally a dark, horrifying artifact known as The Spine Render, and the Pyro had undertaken a difficult quest to purify it, though it still yearned for the spines of its foes...
The spirit of the spine render searched for the spine of the Spybot, and finding none under all the plate metal, it deactivated itself, leaving Pyro powerless against the Spybot's Dark Butterknife Attack. However, as all turned bleak, the Sniper let loose Jarate, shutting the robot down.
With the Spybot defeated, the pair set out to follow the legend of the Collector s Jarate, which was rumored to exist somewhere in Teufort. They searched everywhere but the hay rooms, as they only, to their knowledge, held hay, and in their haste, they neglected to see that their nemesis, the very same Demo they had defeated, had sticky trapped their path.
They had been joined by a friendly Heavy, but a Spy had slain him and fled before the stickies were all destroyed, chuckling. Little did they know, the demo was armed with the Lost Eyelander of the Heavens, which he stood guard with as he waited for his foes to draw near.
Thinking the sword was but a claymore, the Sniper threw his Jarate and pursued, heedless of the Demo's range. Suddenly the Demo, using the hidden power contained in the Eyelander, unleashed a storm of skeleton warriors.
Surprised, the Sniper pulled out his Sydney Sleeper and fired upon them, applying Jarate. The Mystical Rake of Pyronus, sensing many enemy spines, reactivated, allowing the Pyro to cut through the waves of skeletons with ease. The Sniper charged towards the Demo, who was now quaking in fear, and using the Pyro s hellfire blaster, they burned their way past the Demo and into the hay room.
Pyro, seeing the great lost treasure before him, leapt for the pedestal to claim the Collector's Jarate. Using the patience he had honed over years of stalking targets, Sniper simply said there and… withdrew a dagger?
Pyro's googly eyes became even more googly as the realization hit him: a YER spy had attacked. No matter, he simply withdrew his trusty flamethrower, only to discover it was out of ammo. Wishing he had visited the Engineer's nearby Dispenser, he drew out his Scorch Shot once more.
The Holy Scorch Shot of Antioch s power, however, was nigh useless against the crafty Spy, who simply deflected its flares with the power of the Crystal Dead Ringer. However, from the respawn, came the Sniper, launching piss towards the Spy, who dodged it and started his assault.
The Pyro did his best to help. Although the power of the Spine Render was depleted, he alerted his team by running around yelling "thschnupprisuSpy!" Then, heeding the call, came a miracle worker in the form of a Medic.
Medic healed the Pyro completely, but suddenly, the Medic stopped. "Vich one of you is ze Sniper?" he said to the Sniper and Spy. The Sniper pulled out his Jarate and threw it at the figure next to him, drenching it in piss
The Spy revealed, the Medic did something unexpected: he threw his ubersaw with pin point accuracy, embedding it in the forehead of the Spy. The moment he pulled the ubersaw from the spy's skull, there was a horde of Scouts, all of which wielded the Force a Nature and were charging madly.
With the flamethrower out of ammo, their only hopes was the Mystical Huntsman and its Taunt Key of Power, along with the mystical words, and the Holy Scorch Shot. Unexpectedly, though, the Rake of Pyronus glowed, the Spine Render inside it awakened, and suddenly the rake was filled with power. Pyro slashed at the tank until all that was left was scrap metal, which Pyro collected, turned into 2 refined metal, and bought a Stout Shako with.
Upon purchasing a Stout Shako, they had obtained a sizable force of Demopans. At the request of the Demopans, they accepted a NEW quest: to find the Fountain of Refined. However, a Sniper, Pyro, Medic, and Demopan army would not be enough; they had to call upon the local Grizzly Hoovy for help with the trials of this quest.
With their legion, the pair set out to Helmsdeep, where the first clue to the Fountain's location was rumored to be. Midway to Helmsdeep, they heard rumor that the Fountain of Buds, which was but an ancient legend, resided in an old, decrepit area of Teufort, of which was nearly impossible to access without the help of 12 thousand Grizzly Hoovies. Naturally, they dismissed these rumors. And even if they were true, it was close to impossible to gather that many Grizzly Hoovies.
At Helmsdeep, they met a friendly Battlemedic who gave them the first clue: "Seek out the gateway to Badlands, the second clue awaits." After a long and treacherous journey which involved much piss-throwing, they arrived.
At the Badlands, they found a fearsome Gibuspy, which wore a Gibus to mask its true power. Pyro tried to set it alight, but the Gibuspy s Spy-cicle stopped the flames. Upon being hit by a particle of dust, though, it unleashed its Dead Ringer, fooling the treasure hunters completely.
With the Gibuspy taken care of, or so it seemed, the hunters looked for the next clue. On a wall was a painting of a Grizzly Hoovy. Next to said wall, was a piece of collector s steak, with the power to destroy walls. Grizzly Hoovy harnessed the steak's power to blow through the wall, when suddenly the Gibuspy backstabbed him.
When the Pyro turned it s flamethrower upon him, he merely laughed as he fled unharmed. With the loss of the Hoovy, the hunters pressed on into the hidden tunnel behind the wall. At the end was an ancient plaque. Two sentences were upon it: "The fountain sits waiting at Hightower" and "The legend of Teufort is true".
However, a hoovykiin was found nearby fighting of 20 variants of Monoculus
The Sniper equipped his trusty Huntsman, assisting the Hoovy with his words of power, while Pyro spammed flares everywhere. However, there were many a Monoculus, and the Demopans fought as hard as they could, but then Sir DeGroot of Degroot Keep appeared, slaying Monoculi as if they were mere AFK scouts.
When finished, however, the noble gentleman bowed to them. "You have done well to gather this many pans. I dub you great heroes and grant you each passage to Hightower. Now we travel… with our MIIIIIIINDS!"
At Hightower, the heroes were met with great confusion, as there was nothing out of the ordinary...sans a jack o' lantern. Upon investigation, they were transported to Helltower. There was something shining on the bridge to the clocktower, but the bridge was quickly fading.
With the last moment of the bridge being solid, Sir DeGroot rushed across the bridge, rope in hand. It was a Mann Co Supply Crate Key. Sir DeGroot tossed it back, and then swung back with the rope. Unfortunately, his very gentlemanly hat fell of as he swung, so when he returned, he had turned into a regular Demo. At the loss of Sir DeGroot s hat, everyone sat and mourned, unsuspecting the contents of the nearby crate.
Pyro, always looking for new eye accessories, pried open the crate, when a fountain of metal spewed out. They had found it! The demopans were running around, trying to buy each other s stout shakos, when an earthquake shook the ground, and a voice boomed, "COWER FOOLS! MERASMUS IS HERE!"
However, Sir DeGroot noticed something odd. Merasmus had picked up his hat. Harnessing the power of the Chargin' Targe, he lunged for the hat, grabbing it and placing it back on his head.
Noticing the gentleman before him, Merasmus sat down and had a long and meaningful conversation with sir demo, while the others looked for a way out. All the while, the Demopans had fallen into anarchy. Suddenly, all the Refined in one place ripped open a hole into the item server. Little did they know it led to the ultimate prize: the Fountain of Buds.
However, it required the Holy Key of Gaben in order to pass through. When Pyro tried to enter, he received an electric shock. He stumbled backward, when suddenly he noticed there was something else in the crate a mold for a key. Not just any key THE HOLY KEY OF GABEN.
It looked like they could forge the key with the Refined they had. However, Merasmus looked over and saw the mold. "YOU FOOLS! THAT KEY CAN ONLY BE FORGED IN THE FIRES OF HELL!" Then Merasmus looked around and saw that they were indeed in hell. "NEVER MIND."
However, as they tried to forge, it appeared to require 2000 keys in addition to the Refined, a quantity that could only be found at the Fountain of Keys, another ancient legend. The heroes had learnt that the first step in this journey was to go through, and get through, A STALEMATE ON HYDRO. No doubt a near-impossible task.
Upon arriving at Hydro, they found a choke point, where Pyro got an idea. He threw down his Stout Shako, summoning ANOTHER army of Demopans. They blocked the passage of both teams and annoyed the crap out of everyone. Then, seeing as the teams were blocked, the demopans rushed and quickly captured the control points, except the BLU's last one...
Seeing the strong defense, they had one option. Sniper ran in and yelled, "LOOK, A FREE HAT!" everyone, even the Sentries, turned to look, and the Demopans quickly capped the point. The heroes, victorious, raced to their next trial...
They were heading for Well on a train, when through the window they saw the Gibuspy they had encountered, and he had a map. Two birds, one stone. However, the Gibuspy proceeded to EAT the map, noting it tasted like a year-old sandwich
As dramatically as possible, Sniper burst out the window of the train, landing safely. The Pyro was not so lucky. Pyro had gotten out of the train too late, hitting himself on the crossing sign
Then Sir DeGroot, swinging his Eyelander, cut the Spy through the center, revealing a map. Unfortunately, it was a map to the nearest ice cream store. After getting delicious ice cream, which the Pyro stuck on his head like a unicorn, they set out to return to Well, but the train had left.
Seeing as the train was gone, the Sniper had to use a skill he had honed over years of training; waiting a half-hour for the next train. Sir DeGroot had a PhD in waiting, and Pyro played with his googly eyes, but the Demopans descended into chaos once more.
Within the chaos a leader of demopans emerged-the Double-Demopan, of which wore double the Targes, double the shutter glasses, double the hats, and double the pans. Double Demopan suddenly activated his double powers. Unfortunately, he used them on the wrong thing, and the time they had to wait for the train was doubled. Seeing the opportunity, a suspicious-looking Scoot (which shall be referred to as The Deputy) took notice of the group.
Behind the Scoot was a war-hardened Engi with no tolerance for lawbreakers. The Scoot approached first. "Yo, nice crate! Mind if I borrow some a' dat ref-" He was promptly cut off by the Engineer.
"The name s Dick," the Engi said. When everyone giggled, including the Scoot,
Dick frowned, but continued. "All these here Demos are the problem. Their number of shutters is in CLEAR violation of the Ancient Contract of Pans, section 6, paragraph 9."
The great Sir DeGroot apparently knew the book from cover to cover, and stated that the law was phased out 7 years ago.
"Ya got some nerve, mister." Dick said. "You wanna spend time in the slammer, keep talkin. As it stands, I'm gonna need ya to surrender yer pans, pardner."
The Demopans were ENRAGED at the fact of being required to relinquish their pans. They went into a mad panning frenzy, whilst also cooking 8000000 Sandviches per second, causing a great change in the economy.
The scent of Sandviches attracted a horde of F2P hoovies, who temporarily shut down the item server once more with their Gibus powers. However, Dick restored power, (he shall be referred to as The Sheriff now), with the scent of the Tomislav, crashing some other poor bastard's item server.
The simultaneous shutdowns opened a portal, which led to the other item server. Once they stepped through the portal, they discovered an alternate reality where keys were worth a weapon, and the Gibus was worth 400,000 buds. Getting an idea, they went back through the portal and stole as many gibuses as they could. However, The Sheriff was in hot pursuit...
Upon entering the portal with the Gibuses, the Gibuses disintegrated, and The Sheriff closed the portal, trapping the treasure hunters and the Hoovies in the terrifying new reality. With their newfound lack of gibuses, they set about looking to find enough keys to forge the Holy Key.
However, the Gibus hoovies were killed by a random fish falling from the sky. Suddenly, a total pro Sniper walked up to them. "Hey wankers, where are yer gibuses? Or yer Pyrovision?!" suddenly the pro gasped. "You must be noobs. I d give ya some good stuff, but I can t spare a whole lot. Take these 50 keys and buy yourself a few weapons." However, the fish ate the pro Sniper, as it was Fishuin, the Doom-Bringer!
They knew they had to slay the beast and recover the keys in order to forge the Holy Key. Sir DeGroot charged with his Eyelander. However, in a shocking twist (not), Fishuin ate the Eyelander. However, it was killed from the inside by the cursed blade.
The body of Fishuin dissolved, revealing Pro Sniper still alive. "My god, you saved my life, mates. I don't know how to thank ya enough. Take this as a token of my gratitude." Pro Sniper bestowed upon them their very own Ghostly Gibus.
For seemingly no reason, they were suddenly flooded with trade offers, where people offered ridiculously high prices for the Gibus. They dismissed these as troll offers, naturally. After declining the Gibus offers, though, they determined that something was off.
However, none of them could quite tell what until a fellow wearing some the most expensive of hats they knew was in an alleyway, begging for weapons. Suddenly those Gibus offers started seeming pretty good, but if hats couldn't t pass through the portal, neither could buds. Keys, though, were just what they needed.
So, they accepted an offer that yielded several hundred THOUSAND keys, all in return for the Gibus. Suddenly the mold for the Holy Key began to glow. However, they learnt that to finish it, they needed a Strange Kritzkrieg, which they could now afford.
However, when they attempted to purchase one, the trader left the server mid-trade. Luckily, some crazy fool with insane degrees of luck was selling crate 30s for a mere scrap each. Naturally they bought 15 of them.
The crate seller took his scrap and ran, typing furiously in chat "u just got scamd n00b nao im gon go buy 500 gibuses bai" then he left the server. However, in a turn of events, the trader was overwhelmed by a Spycrab nest, and the heroes opened all 15 crates...to find not a single Kritzkrieg. The local Engineer was turned inside-out by this complete lack of probability, and such was birthed Vagineer.
Suddenly a vaguely familiar stranger, covered in pincer wounds and wearing a Marxman, hobbled over. "omg u wana by a strnage krttzkrg? i hz 1 for a scrap" However, recognizing him, the heroes punched him in the crotch and took the Kritzkrieg, as the report system here was...less than reliable.
Connecting the kritzkrieg, the keys, and the fountain of refined, the mold glowed with an impossible brightness. However, some asshole Scoot ran off with one of the keys before it could be made, making them search for one, as it was too damn early to go to a trade server.
"Hey, is that a key over there?" asked sir DeGroot in the most filler-reducing way possible. However, a Spycrab nest was located there, and the Pyro s flamethrower was useless, as the key (and nest) were under water. Sniper had an idea, though. "You know, besides Lord Gaben, I wonder who ELSE has infinite power. PROBABLY NOT MERASMUS."
Suddenly Merasmus appeared. "YOU FOOLS. MY POWER IS LIMITLESS!" However, then Sir DeGroot demanded his cursed blade back, and Merasmus failed utterly. He DID manage to spawn a key, however
Sniper innocently asked "Can we have that key, mate?"
"NO, YOU FOOLS," replied Merasmus. "YOU ARE NOT WORTHY OF SUCH A TREASURE."
Then Sir DeGroot punched him for not being given his sword back, as he knew Merasmus had the sword behind him. As a gesture of revenge, Merasmus disintegrated the key he had conjured. This gave Sniper another, BETTER idea. "Hey wizard, I betcha can t kill all these Spycrabs."
However, Merasmus failed horribly and the Bombinomicon had to do it instead.
Though the key was flaming hot, the Pyro was able to grab it thanks to his suit. The heroes ran as fast as possible, when the keys, refined, and kritz all liquefied. Everyone panicked until suddenly the liquid flew into the mold and another flash of light blinded them.
Out of the light came two things; Sir DeGroot s blade, and the Holy Key of Gaben. However, the crew had to hustle to get back to their own world.
Suddenly a voice came from above. "Hi, this is Gabe Newell."
Upon the great, awe-inspiring voice, an Unusual Gabe Glasses with Floating Sales had appeared on all the heroes' heads. With the glasses on they saw a rift in the world. They could finally return home!
However, in said path was a strange being, once known as Silas Mann... and the Fountain of Buds.
As they passed through the portal to return to their own world, Silas Mann grinned at them with his creepy pumpkin head. Rather than murdering them, though, he gave them the ultimate treasure that no buds could buy.
He gave them a copy of Half Life 2: Episode 3.