Many people say that love is something that is kind and would never hurt you. They just don't know any better. Love doesn't even exist outside of fairytales. There's this universal idea that people believe in and when they realize it doesn't exist, it breaks them. Shatters their existence and only some can put the pieces back together. How do I know this? Let's just say that I was one of those idiots wearing rose coloured glasses at some point.
Of course, I've long learned the realities of the world. Sometimes you just never find happiness before your life is taken away from you. When I was a kid, I used to crush on this guy, Sasuke. Of course I never really liked him, but my best friend, Sakura, liked him, so of course I had to show her up. He was one of the typical guys girls fall for. Cold, mysterious, rich, antisocial. Every girl just wanted to break through his barriers and be "the one and only" to know his secrets. Eventually Sakura became that one but she went through a world of pain to get there and I'm still not sure she's out of that pain yet.
As a teenager, when Sasuke left the village, I realized that it was a schoolgirl crush and I started liking my childhood friend Shikamaru. He was a good choice, being tall and smart. He was also lazy so not very many girls flocked to him. I thought I had a chance but it seems as though while away on missions he met a girl from Suna. The Kazekage's sister. I couldn't compete with that. Sure, I'm pretty, but no one has ever taken the time to know me more than my looks. I guess I just didn't seem that approachable. Even Sakura has more friends than I do. But back to Shika and Temari, they still fight every day, even though he's the Hokage's most trusted advisor. At this point, I think the only reason they're still together is because of their daughter.
Recently, what really broke me and made me understand the reality of the world was the last guy I ever had a crush on and it's going to stay that way. I've decided that I will not hurt myself any longer pining over things that would never come to pass. Sure everyone knew that Hinata was crushing on Naruto since forever but who would have ever thought he returned her feelings right? I mean, he used to crush on Sakura for most of his life! I'm still not sure he likes Hinata all that much, just being courteous about her feelings. He can't bear the pain of rejection himself so he didn't want to tell her no. Why do I know so much about him? Well, we sort of had a thing going. Like the bud of a rose in my parents' flower shop. But it got cut before it ever had a chance to bloom. Of course you may say that I'm being bitter but enough time has passed for me to let go of it.
I met Naruto on the night of the Kyuubi festival right before the Shinobi War. I knew it was his birthday because after he had saved the village from Pain, I sort of had a mini crush on him and did a bit of background searching. He was alone on the rooftop of his apartment, staring at the crowds and probably remembering his past. He looked sad so I jumped up and sat next to him. We just sat in silence and eventually our hands met and we just held hands the entire night until after the fireworks when I remembered that I had to go home before my curfew.
After that, we met once a week at Ichiraku's where we just ate and talked about random things. During the time we spent together, he found out who his parents were and got this huge inheritance. He started paying for my meals and buying me small gifts when he came back from missions. We started hanging out more, sometimes just hanging out in the fields or sitting on benches and talking. We started leaning on each other and cuddling. I told him that I really liked him one day, on the riverbank, but he just laughed it off and told me that I was a great friend and he liked me too. It hurt. I felt my heart breaking but I smiled and hastily made an excuse to leave. I started avoiding him. He caught me one night as I was returning from a mission, before I had the chance to enter the escape of my home. He told me that he missed me and I felt my heart leap. We started back hanging out but he grew more distant as time passed. Soon the war came and we had to work together but there was no time to think. When his heart stopped, I thought mine would too. I started crying on the battlefield. Of course, no one noticed. Who would focus on a little girl when the saviour was dying? Soon after we became victorious, he kissed Hinata on the lips. I felt my heart break all over again but this time, there was no one to pick up the pieces.
My nights were sleepless and full of tears but I never let anyone see. My fake smile was enough to fool everyone, including my parents. When our paths crossed, I was ignored. My existence was of no importance to him. Still, no one even suspected that anything was wrong. At first, I blamed him but then I realized that I had no one to blame but myself. Why had I allowed myself to develop feelings for him? Why was his childlike attitude so adorable to me? I accepted my friends' requests to go out but our circles were too close. I would always see him and Hinata in front of me. Taunting me. I started drinking. Tsunade had, after all, been my sensei. Once I downed 3 shots of sake in a row and I caught a glance of concern from him but when I looked at him it was gone. I think I may have imagined it. I eventually started declining the invites, making excuses about my duties in the shop and missions.
I stopped all interaction with anyone outside the flower shop and my missions. When he became Hokage, I attended the function but as soon as it was over, I disappeared to my bedroom. No one noticed when I left, being too busy with the after party. I kept a low profile and eventually the pain eased. I was able to sleep a bit better and the tears had stopped. The next big shock I had was the wedding. He had the nerve to order the flowers from my shop. Sure, it was technically my parents' shop but he had to have known it would have an impact on me. I didn't even open the invitation when it came. I would have to attend because I had no missions on that day. He especially made sure of that. And everyone would question why I was not there if I wasn't. I wasn't prepared. I downed at least 5 bottles of sake the night before the wedding. The hangover was terrible. I downed another bottle before I left for the wedding. I stank of alcohol. Surprisingly I was able to put on my makeup perfectly.
I sat in the back and as soon as it was over I made up an excuse to Shikamaru and Choji and I left. As soon as I reached home, I locked myself in my room and I cried myself to sleep. The next morning I couldn't get up. I pretended to be sick. My parents didn't suspect anything although I had never gotten sick in my life. It took me the entire day to be able to get up. I carried out my usual routine on autopilot. No one noticed that my eyes were empty. I kept going on autopilot for about six months. I couldn't take it any longer so I put in a request for an undercover mission that would last at least a year.
During the mission there was a cute guy who began crushing on me. I brutally turned him down because I did not believe I was meant to find happiness at this point. At some point my stealth failed because I was discovered. I laughed bitterly, hoping to die of my injuries because my existence was miserable. Of course nothing was ever so easy. Death was not welcoming. I was yet again rejected. As I lay bleeding in the basement, littered with the bodies of all the criminals in the syndicate I was investigating, someone just had to come along and save my unconscious self. I woke up bandaged and alive in the basement, now cleared of the bodies. I do not know how much time had passed since then but the bandages were fresh and I did not hurt as much as I expected to. I decided to leave before my saviour came back to find me awake. I made it to the borders of Konoha before I passed out.
Someone on patrol duty must have found me because when I next regained consciousness, it was to find an angry Sakura berating me for allowing my injuries to become this bad as I had medic training. I laughed but soon stopped due to the pain in my side. She ordered me to stay in the hospital for an entire week. Of course he came to receive the mission report. I blankly stared at the doorway while I recited what took place. He looked slightly hurt but I simply stopped talking when I concluded that the mission was successful. Not one of the members had escaped alive. I was discovered just 2 days before I was to take them out so I couldn't pick them off one by one as I had originally intended. After asking me if I was okay and receiving no response, he just left. I remained frozen for a long time until my nurse came to tend to me. She kindly laid me back on the bed from my sitting position and tucked me in.
After being released I was not allowed to take any missions higher than rank D for a month. It was annoying but since I'd do anything to avoid having to speak to him, I obediently did only what was assigned to me and spent most of my time in the shop. Eventually I stopped caring about things. It was a blessing in disguise as I realized that I had also stopped caring about him. I no longer felt pain when I saw him. I realized that I had withdrawn from everyone. I started back talking to my friends but it wasn't deep. I kept everyone at arm's length. I now had a variety of battle scars to show off. I started fighting recklessly. Each time I was injured in battle, I was assigned only D rank missions for the following month.
In a way it showed that he still cared for me, but an important thing was now missing. I no longer cared. He was also married and from what I'd heard, he had a few kids too. In fact, I was the only one without a lover in my group of friends but it was no longer important to me. I was more focused on my work anyway. I had everything I needed in life. Shika's daughter loved me. I always had a weakness for kids and he was my closest childhood friend apart from Sakura. I did the babysitting for him and I spoiled her rotten all the time. She was the only one who brought a genuine smile to my face. She was like my own daughter, blonde hair and everything. I'd give my life for this child. Her innocence is so precious.
At some point the older generation began dying, including my parents. I cried at my father's funeral because now he'd never have the chance to give away his only daughter in marriage. I wished for something to end my life once more. It didn't happen. Instead, I lived to see the day Hinata died. I lived to see the day he broke down. He turned to me for comfort of course but I knew better than to let him in again. He had broken me beyond repair and I had never allowed myself to trust anyone again, including him. I laughed bitterly when he left, sliding down the wall and curling up right there on the floor. For it still hurt after all that.
When the news came that he had committed suicide, I went into shock. No one ever knew why, but I adopted his kids. Death had refused me and pain had formed me but I would not let these kids be shaped by pain. Konohamaru became the next Hokage and the entire village mourned for the loss of their hero. Everyday I still cried myself to sleep. The guilt ate away at me. So I put all the so called love I ever had in my life towards growing those kids up, hoping that they would never know pain like I did. I let them keep their fairytale dreams of love. I didn't believe in it but I hoped for their sakes that they might experience it. Or at least, that they would experience that idea of love that they so cherished. For a small moment, I wished that I had experienced it before I closed my eyes, finally being embraced by death.