A Blessed Heart...
Chapter 1
You know when you have one of "those days"? Just one that makes you thinks to yourself, 'Man, I wish I could be anyone but myself '? Well, I just had one of those and I'll tell you something... they suck, majorly.
I never used to have a problem with my days. They used to run so smoothly. Almost, you could say, too smoothly at times. But it was easier having a too easy day than to have a hell-day. That's the only way I can describe it. Hell.
"Hey, Luc. What's up?" Ryan came up to me in the school parking lot, looking every bit as gorgeous as usual. He is the only guy I know who I allow to use my shortened name. Probably because he never could seem to pronounce my full name correctly. Although I guess I couldn't really blame him. Lucidity can be quite a tongue twister... well, in his case anyways.
"Nothing much, just going to head home, maybe catch a movie. Why?" I looked straight into those deeply intense green eyes and hoped that he was finally going to come to his senses and ask me out. I mean, it's not like I hadn't been giving the guy any signs of my liking him. But they never seemed to register in his brain. Ridiculous.
"Oh, no reason. Just curious." He flashed a crooked grin at me. My heart nearly leaped out of my chest and plopped at his feet.
"Oh." I smiled back, feeling my insides rip apart. Come on Ryan, you cannot possibly be this blind! My mind shouted. Instead of blowing up and smacking him upside his adorable head, I sighed and turned to walk away.
"Hey, you okay?" Ryan reached out and put his hand on my arm, a look of concern in his eyes. My heart sank. I wanted so badly to tell him right then, like all the other times the opportunity had presented itself. But, like then, I chickened out and took a step back, out of his reach. Something flickered in his eyes, quickly covered by the concern.
"Nothing, I'm fine." My voice was gentle, weak from his touch. It always seemed to have that effect on me. I refused to look him straight in the eye. He noticed and put a finger under my chin to turn my face to his, forcing me to meet his unyielding gaze.
"Luc, something's wrong. What is it?"
I just shook my head and tried to move but he held me fast. He put his hands on both my arms, holding me immobile. I sighed, beginning to get a little frustrated and looked into a pair of intensely focused green eyes. We stared at each other for a minute, him trying to pull the truth, it seemed, right out of my soul. I was... stuck.
"Ryan, really, I am fine." When he said nothing and didn't let go, I sighed again and lifted my arms, shrugging him off and stepping back. "Okay?" I raised my eyebrows with a nonchalance I was far from feeling.
He scrutinized my forced lightness for a moment. Then he gave me a hesitant, suspicious smile and nodded. "Alright." He sobered for a second when he spoke again. "You would tell me though, right? If something was bothering you, I mean."
No. "Of course." I smiled again, hoping it looked genuine. He smiled back at me and came over, draping an arm around my shoulders. I nearly fainted from the casual contact. We walked for a while, talking about random things. My nerves began to calm fractionally. When I didn't think about how much I liked him, how much I wished he'd ask me out, I was fine. Mostly.
His arm wrapped more securely around me, pulling me closer to his side. My pulse jumped when our hips bumped. When I looked sideways at him I thought I saw him smile. My head was spinning from the body contact. Why does he have such a strong effect on me?
"Ryan?" I raised an eyebrow at him, knowing he'd know what I was asking. He smiled down at me and kissed my temple, shocking the hell out of me. I gaped at him for a moment then gathered myself enough to remember to walk. Left, right, left, right...
We'd been walking for what seemed like forever. I looked around and noticed for the first time that no one else was around. Everyone had gone home already; we'd been wandering around the parking lot alone for quite some time. I chastised myself about how easy it was for me to completely forget my surroundings when I was with him. I sighed and decided that enough was enough. I had to go home. Now. Before I ended up doing something I'd regret tomorrow.
Smacking myself mentally, I forced myself to step out of the comfortable curve of Ryan's arm. I felt terribly... raw without his arm wrapped around me. I could still feel the warmth of his lips on my temple.
"You have to go, huh?" He stuck his hands in his pockets and smiled impishly at me. For a second I thought I saw something similar to disappointment shimmer in his eyes. He quickly composed himself, putting on a mask of resigned indifference. I felt my heart give an uncomfortable lurch. All I want is for him to give me some hint that he likes me, is attracted to me at least a little. Well...
No. That kiss was just a friendly gesture. Nothing special, I told myself. Then why did I see something in his eyes that seemed like more than just friendship? I brought myself back to the present with a mental shake and returned his smile.
"Yeah. I'm sorry, I just sort of lost track of time." I met his gaze directly and got caught in their depths. I felt as though he were reaching into my soul. I don't think I liked it too much. I felt way too exposed. He scrutinized my expression thoroughly, missing nothing.
"Luc." He was whispering softly as though he were trying to calm a frantic animal. He took a step toward me. Something flashed in his eyes that had me immediately retreating. Something like a concerned apology. I didn't want an apology; I wanted him to tell me that he loved me; that he wanted me. But that wasn't what he was going to say and I knew it. So I took that as my cue to make my escape.
"I have to go." I spoke hastily, turning on my heel and striding quickly toward my car across the lot. I heard him call my name, trying to call me back. I didn't dare turn around. I couldn't stand to see that look in his eyes again. I only knew that I had to get away from him, from the rejection I knew was quickly approaching.
I jumped in my car, not even sparing a glance in his direction as I shoved the keys in the ignition and pushing down on the gas. I pulled out hurriedly and drove toward my house, my heart pounding painfully, my eyes stinging from the insistent burn of tears.
Chapter 2
I sat in my room, having explained to my mom why I was late getting home and then eating dinner. Going over the scene in my head again of Ryan, I winced. The look in his eyes. How that one look had ripped my heart into pieces and ate them. Now that I was finally alone, I let my emotions have free rein. The tears began to fall, and soon enough I couldn't get them to stop. I cried until there was absolutely nothing left in me. When I could no longer cry, I sobbed silently, my body shaking with grief. Broken apart inside, I finally fell into a sleep induced oblivion.
Waking up the next morning, I rolled blindly out of bed, not noticing the small piece of paper taped to my vanity mirror. I walked groggily into the bathroom to take a shower. When I came out twenty minutes later, drying my hair with a towel, I noticed the tiny piece of paper. Narrowing my eyes, I walked over to peer at it. My eyes widened when I saw what it said. It read:
Luc,
Ryan called last night. He didn't say why, but he sounded kind of odd... You should talk to him today, see what was wrong. I know there's something between the two of you, even if you won't own up to it. He's a nice boy. Oh and could you run to the store after school today? I'm planning on making a roast for dinner.
Love you,
Mom
Okay, I thought vaguely before I shook my head. Standing up from where I'd plunked down on the vanity stool, I continued to dry my hair. I walked over to my puny closet and grabbed the first things I could find. No point in dressing up, I thought. I threw on the jeans I'd found quickly. Pushing my arms through the sleeves of the blue T-shirt I'd blindly grabbed, I made my way down stairs.
"Mom, what are you burning in here?" I asked as I strolled into the kitchen. I smiled gingerly as my mom threw a scowl without heat over her shoulder at me. Plopping down in one of the chairs at the table, I tried to imagine myself having to talk to Ryan about the reason he'd sounded 'odd' on the phone last night.
I couldn't. Didn't want to.
"I'm not burning anything, thank you very much." Veronica stated as she stood at the stove. As she turned slightly to look at her daughter, her mother's eye noticed all. She'd been crying, she thought, a tug of remorse berating her heart. Though she'd tried to hide the dark circles under her eyes with a few spots of foundation here and there, the pain is still shadowing her eyes.
Making a split-second decision, Veronica stepped back from the stove.
"Mom, what are you doing?" I asked when my mom placed the spatula she'd been using in my hand. All she did was look down at me, an insolent expression on her face.
"I want you to cook. Since you don't like my cooking." She raised her eyebrow at me and gave me a pointed look when I would've objected. "So," she continued." You can do it. Prove that you're the better cook." Then she smiled down at me, turned her back and walked out of the kitchen.
What? I stared down at the metal in my hands for a suspended moment. Then, when I heard the sizzle of the food in the pan, I jumped up and ran to check the bacon. As I flipped the food, saw the crispy goodness on the bottom as it cooked through, a smile spread on my lips. All thoughts of sadness, of loneliness, of Ryan, flew from my mind.
"So, how is it?" I held my breath as my mom and dad sat at the table and sampled the food. Veronica popped a bite of the bacon into her mouth, a thoughtful expression on her face. My dad, Jim, just dug in, not really caring what it was he was eating. "Well?" I demanded when nobody said anything.
"Ok, you got me. You are a much better cook then I ever was." Mom smiled at me, scooping up some potatoes and tossed them in her mouth, accompanying them with some toast. She couldn't help the moan of pleasure that slipped through.
I smiled, pleased with myself. As we all ate, my mind slowly began to drift toward school, and Ryan. Shaking my head, I concentrated on school, what homework was due, what my plans were for the day.
"Luc, are you alright honey?" My mom asked me, her eyes shadowed with concern. I tried to brighten my smile, but I was pretty sure she saw right through me. She continued to frown at me until I sighed and pushed away from the table.
"I've got to get to school before I'm late. See you guys later." I turned before my mom could try to pry an answer from me. As I walked to my car, I shuddered at the thought of having Ryan in three of my classes. I didn't want to be anywhere around him. Sighing again, I opened the door to my beat up Nissan, tossed my bag inside, climbed in and pulled away from the curb.
"Lucidity, will you at least tell me what I did? Why won't you talk to me?" Ryan walked by me as I made my way through the throng of bodies crowded in the hall. He'd been dogging my heels all day, ever since he'd tried to start a harmless conversation in English and I hadn't even acknowledged he'd said anything.
I'd never admit to anyone the perverse pleasure I've gotten out of him following me around, begging for my attention. Serves him right. He's been torturing me for years. He can handle a day. As the thoughts circulated through my mind, I had a moment of guilt, quickly covered by the anger and resentment.
Staying with the spirit of the day, I continued to ignore him as we walked toward my fourth hour class. I chatted with my other friends as I went, never even looking at him as he practically glued himself to my side. I had to fight the urge to smile when I heard him groan as though he were in immense pain. Well, it's about time...PAST time he felt some of the pain I've been forced to feel for so long.
"I'll see you guys at lunch, ok? Bye." I waved to Gina and Tracy as they went off to their classes. I turned to go into Sociology when Ryan blocked my path. I retreated a step, avoiding contact at all costs. A flash of anger came and went in his eyes. Instead of looking at him, I looked through him, theoretically.
"Luc, what is the matter with you? What did I do to make you so pissed at me?" The barely restrained rage in his voice had my eyes snapping to his. I stared at him for a moment, not having a clue as to what to say. Finally, shaking my head, I shoved past him none too gently and went to my seat. Let him be upset, and let him stew over why I'd be mad at him. He deserves it.
I said nothing, didn't even sigh as he came to sit in the chair next to mine. The seat which just so happened to be my partner's seat, Julie Hascheski. She now sat in Ryan's usual seat across the room. I banked the pleasure of having him by me. No point in showing him how much I'm enjoying this. He took out a piece of paper, placed it on the desk as he clipped his binder and set it aside. Then, he bent over the paper, blocking my view, not that he knew, or thought I'd be looking. Mr. Kloogin started class and I turned my attention to him.
When I felt a tickle on my elbow I looked down to see a folded piece of paper, my name scrawled hastily on the front in Ryan's writing. After waging a silent war with myself I put my hand over the paper, scooting it under my folded arms so the teacher wouldn't see. Sliding my arms, and the note off the table, I opened the paper and read the contents. My heart bumped against my chest as I read.
Luc,
Whatever I did, I am sorry. Whatever it is, I'll apologize a thousand times, I promise. Just don't NOT talk to me, I can't stand it! After school, come to my car and we'll work this out, ok? Luc, I swear to you, I never meant to hurt you... and I'll never hurt you again.
I love you Luc. You're my best friend. Don't give up on me just yet. I'll be waiting after school. Come.
Yours,
Ryan
By the time I got to the last line, I was fighting back a bout of treacherous tears. Folding the note again, I turned away slightly to wipe at my eyes, making sure none spilled out. Telling myself it didn't matter what he had to say, I forced myself to calm down and got out a piece of paper to answer him. I wrote:
Alright, Ryan, I'll come after school. But I'm telling you now, I'm pretty sure there's nothing you can say that's going to fix it. So, I'll be there, I'll listen to you... But I'm not promising anything, so don't expect too much.
Lucidity
Folding the paper in half, I passed it to him. I ignored the small smile he sent me, facing forward, though I wasn't actually hearing a word of what Mr. Kloogin was saying. I heard Ryan's sigh of repressed relief mixed with frustration. I coughed to hide my laugh. It was such a classic Ryan thing that it was near impossible not to be charmed. But I knew I had to fight it so I straightened my shoulders and paid him no more attention for the rest of the class.
By the time the day ends and it's time for me to go talk to Ryan, my heart feels as though it's going to jack-hammer right out of my chest. I take deep breaths as I shove my binders in my locker, grab my bag and slam the door to release some of my excess energy. I turned to head toward the parking lot, nearly stopping myself dozens of times before I even get to the door leading outside. Discarding every excuse, I push through the door, my head up, my shouders straight.
My breath is taken from my lungs without my knowledge when I step out and see Ryan leaning against his car, looking as gorgeous and dangerous as ever. His eyes shifted as soon as I came out, locked on me. Our gazes met, locked. I gasp for air, trying to order my thoughts, get my bearings. Trying to be as regal as I can manage in my flustered state, I tear my gaze from his and glide down the few stairs that seperate me from the ground.
"Luc, hey." Ryan calls as I come to stand in front of him. I don't return his hello. I see a flicker of a frown cross his features befre he recovers. He smiles at me and reaches over to put an arm around my shoulders. It's such a natural gesture that I almost don't notice. Almost. Just before his arm enfolds me, I step back, out of his reach. Now the frown is evident as he looks at me.
"What is it you wanted to say to me?" I ask to distract him. I don't feel comfortable with him looking at me like that; like I've honestly hurt his feelings. I just wanted him to say what it is he wanted so badly to say, then go home. I feel a sort of desperate longing to get away, from the school, from Ryan, from everybody.
When Ryan continues to gaze at me silently, an unreadable expression in his eyes, I heave a sigh and rub at the tension that has built up in the back of my neck. Alright, I say to myself. Let him sit and stare, I'm going home. Shaking my head I turn to leave. Instantly, I feel thepressure of Ryan's hand on my arm, urging me to turn back, to stay. I glanced at him and nearly lost my nerve. The barely restrained fury surprised me enough to leave me frozen. I met his gaze, his eyes snapping with the heat of his anger.
"What the hell is going on with you, Lucidity?" His words were measured as he spoke through clenched teeth. The fact that now was the first time ever that he used my full name, and pronounced it correctly was just another sign that his control was on a short tether.
Needing some sort of defense against the onslaught of rushing emotions, I jerked my arm out of his grasp and glared at him. "I'm not going to walk on egg shells around you just because you get upset. If you have to ask what the problem is, I'm not going to bother sitting here explaining it to you. It would obviously be a wasted effort as you're too blind to see anything or anyone besides yourself."
Ryan didn't flinch, didn't even blink. He showed no sign that my words had effected him in the least. The only sign I got that I'd been heard was the narrowing of his eyes. He straightened his shoulders, coming up to his full height. When he stepped toward me, I had to force myself not to back up, not to turn and run. I'd never before seen the expression that came into his already glowing eyes. He looked, I thought, like an angel that had fallen and was now seeking revenge on those that had betrayed him. He was beautiful, and utterly terrifying in his intensity.
Taking a deep breath, I faced him, not willing to show him that he had frightened me. I squared my shoulders and held my ground, refusing to back down as we came toe-to-toe. Our bodies were so close that with every breath, my leg bumped his, or my hand brushed the outside of his, making me want to shiver as my entire body became intensely aware of him.
"Nothing is the matter. Why would you assume that something was the matter?"
"Because you haven't spoken to me all day. For God's sake, I had to write you a note to get you to even acknowledge my being there." He was nearly shouting now, his anger growing to the breaking point.
"Maybe I just didn't feel like talking to you. Did you ever think of that?" I could feel my own control slipping as we squared off. I'd never fought with Ryan before. The adrenaline that coursed through me was strangely invigerating.
I knew that other people, other students had begun to crowd around, thriving on the possibility of any sort of confrontation. I heard someone whispering about who they thought would come out victorious if it became physical. Someone else chimed in, saying that I'd most likely break down into tears after the first hit. Although they had a point, I gave no indication that I was aware of their presence. Ryan didn't either. Our eyes stayed locked, battling it out silently for a moment while the buzzing of voices became louder with anticipation.
As the silence between us lengthened, I began to think of ways to escape. I hated being in the center of attention and I just wanted to get away. But the last thing I was going to do was run off, making it look like I was the scaredy cat. So I thumbed through my brain for a comment, something witty and snide that would at least keep my pride in tact. Nothing came.
"Luc, I don't have a clue what I did to piss you off so much. But whatever it was, I'm sorry, okay? If that's what you want to hear than I'm sorry."
Shocked by the sudden softening of his eyes and by the sincerity I heard in his voice, I was unable to stop the weakening of my own anger. Damn him, he always did know how to get to me; always knew exactly what to say, and when to say it. I didn't completely forgive him, but the moment I found myself staring into his eyes, soft and friendly and filled with affection, I knew I'd never be able to stay mad at him.
I sighed and mumbled, "I hate you. It's not even fair how easily you can defuse anybody's temper with that smile, and those eyes."
Knowing that he had won, Ryan's face split into a huge grin and before I knew his intent I was levered off the ground and spun in three quick circles. Smiling at how much of a doof he was, I beat on his shouder halfheartedly. I secretly loved the feeling of being in his arms, but seeing as how practically the entire school had all seemed to migrate out into the parking lot and were sending not-so-subtle glances our way, I pretended to get all huffy.
"Ryan, put me down! You oaf, put me down now!" My voice didn't sound at all convincing as I couldn't keep the smile out of it.
"Oh Luc, I can't tell you how much I missed that smile of yours." Ryan told me as he set me down and stepped just far enough back as to see into my eyes, but still keep ahold of me. "Going through even one day without it was nothing less than pure torture."
My heart felt like it would pound straight out of my chest. My breathing wavered than became shallow as I digested his words. A surge of uninhibited joy surged through me as it all sunk in. His hands were still at my waist, a light caress that had my senses reeling. I couldn't speak. My thoughts had simply run off course, leaving everything a blank slate.
"Luc, you alright. You look kind of, uh, zoned out. What are you thinkin' about so hard?"
Absolutely nothing, I wanted to say. Deciding that that would be a dumb answer, I took a deep breath and pushed out of his arms, reluctant to leave their comforting warmth. Ordering my thoughts back into order, I quickly came up with a suitable answer.
"My cat. You remember Julio, don't you?"
"Yeah. What about him?"
Yeah, what about him? "Well, um, I was just wondering if, uh, my dad had remembered to feed him before he left for work." Nice.
Ryan seemed to be pondering on whether or not I'd completely lost my sanity. Why would I be thinking about my cat when we hadn't even been talking about anything even remotely relevent to animals? Mentally smacking myself upside the head, I smiled at him. God, could I be anymore of a whacko?
Don't you dare answer that.
Chapter 3