Title: All In Summary: "Out of all the things in life that I could fear, the only thing that would hurt me is if you weren't here" - Justin Bieber A/N: So I wrote this a while ago in my notebook and now I've typed it and it's up and ready for the world to read (: hope you all like it (: oh but just one thing you need to know; for this story, the boys are in Minnesota on vacation or something. Ok now read (: . . .
10:30 PM.
It had been thirty minutes since James last saw Kendall; thirty minutes since their fight. Thirty heartbreaking minutes, and each one that ticked on drove James insane. He needed to see Kendall. He needed to apologize, to explain everything, but that was getting increasingly harder as time went on.
The light tapping of footsteps startled James slightly but also gave him hope. What if it was Kendall? Quickly he turned around and his heart ached when he saw that it was only Logan. "Logie, please tell me that you've seen Kendall." the brunette boy pleaded, rushing over to his shorter friend.
Logan's eyes were filled with pity. "Sorry dude, I haven't seen him." James moaned softly and ran his fingers through his hair. "But if I see him I'll tell him to call you." Logan added, false hope evident in his voice.
James bit his lip and nodded before taking off. Maybe he'd run into Kendall, just maybe…
10:55 PM.
James was sitting on the step outside Kendall's house, hoping he would come home and see him and let him explain. But that didn't happen and James swallowed the lump in his throat. He pulled out his cell phone and dialed Kendall's number. "Hey Kenny, it's me." he was doing a better job than he thought at controlling the shakiness in his voice. "Um, I guess you're home or something but I was about to head home and uh…" James swallowed again. "Call me when you get this please. Please." unable to choke out another word James pressed the 'end' button on his cell phone and pocketed it. Wiping his eyes with the back of his hand, he trudged across the street back to his house.
. . .
As soon as James woke up the next morning, he checked his phone for any kind of messages, and then called Logan and Carlos to see if they had heard from Kendall. They hadn't.
Feeling dejected, James forced himself out of bed and into some clean clothes. He didn't even bother to look in the mirror; he knew he looked horrible but he didn't give a damn. He also knew he should eat something, rather than mope all morning, but his stomach wasn't up to the task. It was safe to say he was a wreck.
James spent most of the morning walking aimlessly around his empty house, constantly checking his phone for messages. Heaving a heavy sigh, James pressed his forehead against the cold glass of the window and stared outside. The sky was gray and the trees were shaking as the wind blew through their leaves. But in the midst of it all, something caught James's eyes that had him running outside and into the middle of the street.
"Kendall, wait!"
The blonde boy froze but didn't turn around until James was directly behind him. Getting a good look at him, James saw that his green eyes, which usually shined brighter than the stars, were dull and lifeless and slightly bloodshot, as if he had been crying. "Kendall." James said softly. "I'm- can we talk please?" Kendall didn't say anything for a moment. "Lenny please, I'm sorry. Just let me explain." tears were welling up in his hazel eyes.
Kendall mournfully and slowly shook his head. "I just need some times James." he said quietly.
James sniffled and nodded. "Ok." he said, almost inaudibly. If time was what Kendall wanted, time was what he was getting. James could handle that… or so he hoped he could.
. . .
Time for Kendall ended up being almost a week and James wasn't handling it well. Everyday he and Kendall didn't talk, he found himself getting more and more depressed. And finally James couldn't take it anymore, which is why he was banging on Kendall's front door at 5 AM.
"I know you said you needed time." James blurted out when Kendall finally answered the door. "But I'm going crazy here Kendall. I really need to talk to you."
"I don't know what to say to you James." Kendall replied.
"There has to be something." James insisted. "Anything- just please talk to me!"
Kendall sighed and ran his fingers through his messy hair. "Fine, I'll talk." he spat. "I trusted you James. I trusted you and you really, really hurt me."
"I know and I'm sorry Kendall." James said.
"You spent the night and your ex boyfriend's house and you didn't even tell me!"
"I know but-"
"And to make matters worse I had to hear about it from Carlos and Loan! Not my boyfriend but our two friends."
"His mom died and he was really upset." James explained quickly before Kendall could cut him off again. "He just needed some cheering up and I wanted to be nice cause he called me and we're still friends. I just fell asleep on his couch but nothing happened. Less than nothing happened!"
"If nothing happened then why didn't you just tell me instead of lying and saying you were at your mom's house?" Kendall demanded.
"I-" James swallowed. "I didn't want you to be mad." he said in a meek voice.
"So you were more concerned with the punishment than the crime?" Kendall asked.
"Yes and that was wrong of me." James admitted. "But you have to believe me, I'm so, so, so sorry." Kendall sighed again and looked away. "Kendall listen - he doesn't mean anything to me."
"Of course he means something to you James." the blonde said softly. "He was your first boyfriend and he's your friend. Whether I like it or not, he's going to be in your life."
"But he doesn't mean anything to me the way you do!" James insisted. "I could spend the night at a hundred guy's houses and it wouldn't mean a thing to me! You mean the world to me. I love you and this-" he motioned with his hand back and forth between the two of them. "Kendall, I'm all in. I'm all in so please trust me and let me show you what a great boyfriend I can be." he managed a small smile but it faded as soon as it had appeared. Kendall still hadn't said anything. "Please say something. What are you thinking?"
Kendall let out a heavy breath. "Fine, you want to know what I think?" he asked. "Here's what I think. I'm thinking that I can't be in this relationship anymore."
"No." James whispered but Kendall just shut the door and went back inside, leaving James standing alone out in the cold.
. . .
It was about four o'clock when Carlos was running inside of James's house and rushing upstairs. He didn't hesitate to push open his bedroom door and walk inside. James was laying in the fetal position under his blanket, tears streaking his face.
"Jamie, what happened?" Carlos sat next to him on the bed.
"We broke up." James said, a fresh wave of tears falling down his cheeks. "We broke up and it's all my fault."
"It's not your fault." Carlos said.
"I should've told him about Christopher." James said. "If I told him then he wouldn't have heard it from you and Logan, and we wouldn't have fought, and we wouldn't have b-broken u-up." James was sobbing at this point. Carlos laid down next to him and hugged him tightly.
"He could have been the one." James literally cried.
"He'll come around." Carlos said, musing his hair.
James let out another choked sob. "God, I really screwed up this time."
"Shh, it'll be ok Jamie boy." Carlos hugged him tighter. He bit his lip, trying to keep from sobbing herself as silent tears poured down his cheeks. His heart hurt to see James like this- broken, vulnerable -but he knew that he couldn't do anything to calm James down even if he wanted to. He had to let James let everything out, or he would just keep holding it in until he burst. After about an hour, James's sobs had finally reduced to soft whimpers, and shortly after, just heavy breathing.
"You ok?" Carlos asked, musing his hair again. James shrugged. "I'll go out and get you something to eat." Carlos offered.
"I'm not hungry." James said, his voice deadpan.
"I'll get you some DVD's, too." Carlos continued, as if he hadn't spoken. "You want magazines?"
"No."
"I'll get you some magazines." Carlos got out of bed and James rolled over to face him. "Trust me Jamie, it'll be alright." he said softly. James sniffled and nodded lightly even though he didn't believe him. Carlos managed a small smile before walking out of the bedroom. James didn't move from his spot on the bed until after he heard Carlos's car drive down the street. After that, he rolled over and curled up into a small ball, pulling the covers over his head. He laid like that until he drifted off into a dreamless sleep.
. . .
After James woke up from his nap, Carlos was back and he was asleep next to him. He heaved a heavy sigh and rolled over again, staring at his phone on the dresser. He didn't remember picking up his phone or even dialing Kendall's number but he knew when he heard Kendall's voice over the answering machine, he needed to talk to him. "Hey, Kendall, it's me." his voice sounded foreign to his ears; lost and broken. "I know I'm not supposed to be calling, and I'm probably the last person you want to hear from but I am not doing really great right now, and… I'm hurting and I need you." his voice started cracking as tears filled up in his eyes. "Could - please come over. I - please. Really need to see you and talk to you, and please - come over. Please. I'm sorry and - and I just really need to see you. Come – Oh, my God." with a sniffle he hung up his phone and buried his face in his pillow, his body shaking with sobs. He felt Carlos wrap his arms around him, hugging him. James closed his eyes and pretended it was Kendall.
. . .
Carlos had to go get him any more supplies he thought James would need so- with a slight fight- he was able to convince James to get out of the house for some fresh air. James only agreed because when he went through his most recent calls he had an ulterior motive for getting out of the house. As he was rounding the corner to go back home, he froze in shock at what he saw. "Kendall?"
"Are you ok?" Kendall demanded, running over to him. He almost didn't recognize who he was talking to. James just looked like a hollow shell of his former self. His hair was messy and unkempt, his eyes were bloodshot, his sweatpants and shirt were loose and baggy… he looked nothing like James. "I got your message." Kendall continued.
"My message?" James sounded confused.
"Yes, so I rushed right over here because I thought something was wrong." Kendall explained. "And I tried to get in through the back window but your dad must've fixed it cause it wouldn't open so I got your spare key from the gutter and ran inside-"
"Oh my God!" James moaned.
"It's ok, I put it back." Kendall said.
"I can't believe I did this. James said. "I shouldn't have called you."
Kendall exhaled through his nose. "It's alright." he said softly.
"No it's not." James ran this fingers through his hair. "I'm so sorry, Kendall. I am absolutely humiliated. I was hurting, and I knew if I called you you'd come. I never should have done that."
"Really James, it's ok."
"No, it's not okay. It's not okay. This isn't me; I'm not the kind of person who cries and falls apart and calls his… ex…boyfriend," James choked on the word. "To come and save him." Kendall didn't know what to say. Before his mind could even register what was happening James pulled something from his pocket. "Here. It's the tape from your answering machine." (1)
"The tape-"
"I didn't want you to hear that message Kendall." James cut him off. "You said you're done and I respect that." James took a deep breath. "And this is the last crazy thing you'll have to endure from me." Kendall opened his mouth to say something- anything- but no words came out. "Goodbye Kendall." James whispered, and disappeared inside his house, leaving Kendall standing out in the cold this time.
. . .
"Hey Knight."
Kendall rolled over in his bed to see Logan standing in his doorway. "Hey." Kendall croaked out, his voice cracking. He wiped at his wet eyes and sat up.
"You alright?" Logan asked, taking a seat on the edge of Kendall's bed. "You've been cooped up in here for a while."
Kendall shrugged and looked down at his lap. "I'm alright." he said.
Logan nodded but didn't say anything for a moment. "How about the truth now?" he asked.
Kendall sighed, knowing Logan would eventually catch him in his bluff. "I miss him Logan." he said after a moment. "I know I shouldn't since I was the one who broke up with him but…I really, really miss him." Kendall felt his eyes well up with tears but he refused to let them fall.
"He misses you too Kendall." Logan said softly.
"No he doesn't." Kendall shook his head. "I went to his house and he just told me that him taking my answering machine tape was the last crazy thing I'd have to endure from him and then he just said goodbye. He's obviously doing better with this breakup than I am."
"James is completely miserable without you Kendall." Logan said. "And I know you're not doing any better."
"I'll be fine." Kendall mumbled, not meeting Logan's eyes.
"That's a lie." Logan said simply. He sighed. "Listen, you and James were in love for too long and one fight shouldn't end it all."
"He lied to me." Kendall said.
"Yes but he only did that because he knew you'd be mad."
"So either way we end up fighting."
Logan hesitated. "Y-yeah but he's sorry. He know that lying was a mistake and he wants you back." Kendall opened his mouth to say something but Logan cut him off. "God, I don't think I've ever seen him want anything more in his life. He's so lost without you Kendall and I know without him you're not you anymore."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean for the past week and a half you've been mopey and depressed. I know you want him back as much as he wants you back."
Kendall absorbed all this and took a deep breath. He knew everything Logan was saying was true and he knew exactly what he had to do.
. . .
A loud, urgent knock at the front door snapped James out of his sleep and the tired boy rolled off of his couch. "How did you manage to lose your key again Carlos?" he grumbled and opened the door. His eyes widened in shock at who was standing before him. "Kendall?" he breathed.
Without another word Kendal launched himself forward, placing his lips atop of James's. it only took the brunette a few seconds to realize what was happening before he wrapped his arms around Kendall's waist and kissed back with all the passion he could muster up.
Feeling like his lungs were about to burst, Kendall pulled away panting heavily. "I'm sorry Jamie." he whispered.
James blinked in shock. "Why are you sorry?" he asked.
"Because I wasn't a very good boyfriend to you." Kendall said. "I should have let you explain what happened instead of getting mad at you."
James smiled weakly. "I forgive you. Do you forgive me?"
"I forgive you James." Kendall said and pressed his forehead against James's. "I love you and you and me… I'm all in."
James could've listened to Kendall say those last three words all day.
1. So the whole answering machine tape thing was REALLY outdated but I thought it fit so let's just pretend Kendall's old school and has an answering machine that take tapes (: lol A/N: so this feels a tad rushed to me ): but nonetheless, I like it (: thoughts?