Chapter 1: Shattered and Lost
She and he are whole in the beginning, hunting a rogue Spectre down with nothing but stubbornness and determination driving herself and her band of misfits thrown together by some weird kind of fate. Weighted looks and barely whispered words sit on their tongues, but they never hurtle the wall that their people's animosity created so many years before during a war they only know by books and others' hate. Friendship is all they can manage. Anything more is too poisoned by the things they can't control and her unbending duty to follow the rules of a system that just as quickly turns its back on her to suit its needs.
Then she dies, her death shattering each of them in their own ways. She is reborn as a broken soldier of gears and obligation to the universe and dances at the ends of a monster in a suit's strings. False smiles and untrustworthy 'loyalty' surrounds her until she finds him again, tainted by darkness and scarred by guilt and anger. They are broken, their jagged pieces grinding against each other because of the heady tension of her resurrection and his new faults, but time erodes their edges the longer they are together, the deeper they fall into each other in a time of uncertainty. By the time their pieces find a semblance of fitting in place within one another's hollow places, they are hurtling towards something neither thinks they will return from.
His body is worn from the pain of failure and betrayal and his soul has darkened from all the bad he's done in that time before they reunited, but she shoulders his burdens. Her mind is full of uncertainty and an existence that ends in a question, but he proves she's alive, changed but still herself.
Love carries them, holds its hands on their wounds, and gives them the hope that time will seal their broken pieces together.
When Jana's husband lies in her arms, his cobalt blood slipping through her fingers like the grains of sand, he says words neither truly believe, his levity falling flat and failing to keep her light of hope aflame. When Garrus dies, he takes her with him, leaving nothing but a husk driven by cybernetics and a failing sense of duty to save something for those who she no longer sees herself caring for.
The lives of hundreds of thousands being snuffed out by her hand roll off of her skin like beads of water against the unforgiving slick of oil. She is numb when the sky darkens over Earth and fill with the booming sounds of inhuman roars. Even the Reapers fail to spark a light of any emotion within her as she looks out and sees them extinguishing the lives of hundreds, maybe thousands, with a single sweep of their all-seeing eye.
The sight of Liara does nothing to her, causes no rush of happiness or hope as the asari assures them of a possible solution. A solution they find they are too late in retrieving when Cerberus manages to steal it away, but not before taking Kaidan's life. Jana should feel regret that the last she spoke of to the man was to tersely shut him up for questioning a loyalty to her people that they all knew didn't exist, but not because of the reason he was accusing her of.
She isn't surprised when she and Liara fail to convince the Council to step from beneath their veils of ignorance and help a dying cause. Still, they send her to a burning Palaven in search of a dead Primarch where she instead finds a man on its moon made more for war than cutthroat, clandestine politics. His stipulation of wanting the krogan before his aid to humanity isn't something that she can say she didn't expect, but it does bring with it the chance to meet Wrex now that he claims to have control over a raging species.
Of course, his aid comes with its own costs and no one to fulfill the task but Jana and her crew.
Sur'Kesh is in flames by the time they leave with a sickly, female krogan and Mordin Solus in tow. Mordin has confidence in his skill to accomplish the tall task of curing the Genophage, but Jana merely nods in an understanding of his hope and moves on to the next task thrown upon her with little enthusiasm.
Even if the krogan are cured, she knows there will be no change in a species too full of ignorance and violence to understand how to live.
In the meantime, Jana is sent across the galaxy to fix a mistake she made in a previous life. She doesn't falter in condemning the rachni when she so long ago tried to save their species. Not even the defeat in the queen's acceptance moves her as she orders her men to flee. In the end, Grunt's death means just as little to her as her shuttle flies from the burial grounds of both a species and the best soldiers of another.
Still waiting for the supposed 'cure,' she and her men are tasked with a personal mission by the Primarch. She only goes for the sake of a memory of a turian she loved and what he may have wanted, but ultimately, she sacrifices the Primarch's inexperienced, regretful son as he tries to redeem himself and his men for his mistakes. Placing her own men above the many turians trying to further cool the animosity between turians and the krogan, she leaves the men to a massive explosion made from a bomb of the turians' own making. It feels like some kind of karma as she stands before the Primarch and lies of his son's true fate, claiming that his sacrifice was a regrettable inevitability instead of something that could have been prevented had she taken the risk.
The krogan female dies from Mordin's studies, but he feels he's successful in creating a cure to the Genophage that's plagued the krogan for centuries. It's all for naught, though, when Jana is offered a chance to betray him, Wrex, and the entirety of the krogan species at the promise of aid from the salarian dalatrass. She knows pulling the trigger at an unsuspecting Mordin while his back is turned should make her insides twist, but she feels nothing. She feels the same when Wrex finds out and tries to attack her in retribution, leaving her to goad him into crashing through the Citadel's thick glass windows in his rage and fall to his death.
Perhaps it's for the best when she learns that the Citadel has been attacked while she took the Normandy on some wild goose chase for the Alliance. Cerberus had trampled all resistance on the station beneath its fiery paws, devoured the salarian, asari, and turian councilors with its three heads, and set the traitorous Udina at the throne under the guiding hand of the Illusive Man. Any political cohesion that existed was shredded between Cerberus' jaws and replaced by the oppressive regime that only further served the Reapers while fooling itself of its independence.
Among Eden Prime and Grissom Academy, Cerberus gorges on every settlement in sight and the people that live there. All the while, the Normandy plays a spearhead to a losing battle and the scapegoat for all the failings.
Honestly, Jana feels the hatred she's given is well deserved. Had she cared, she'd be torturing herself more than the public currently is for her failure at saving as many as she could. The universe burns around her and she can't even feel the flames or care that her own clothing is catching on fire. All she does is count the days until she no longer wakes from her drunken stupors in the early mornings to find she's still alone.
She could speed up her journey to the other side where her love lies, but the metallic taste of a gun in her mouth is sour and her cowardice outweighs her hopelessness. There's always a question of what her suicide will bring her, if it'll be different than dying at the hand of war, so she waits and curses fate every time a bullet isn't 'the one.'
"EDI's not reading any heat signatures or Reaper forces," Joker says, his voice cutting Jana from her thoughts as her mind drifts among the stars outside of the Normandy's windows. "Do you want me to call your ground team?"
"No." Jana's gaze shifts to stare at the planet below, the mossy green of its surface peeking through the thick miasma of the ammonia clouds in its atmosphere.
She can't stand the way everyone sounds to her ears and she acts like she doesn't notice the stares when she mindlessly stalks the ship late into the night in search of her love that isn't there. The inflection in everyone's voice, once they find out the source of the ring around her neck, makes her sick to her stomach and it's all she can do to walk away from Joker before he can give her that concerned look.
She hates that look no matter whose face it's on.
"Shepard," EDI says through the speaker of the CIC as Jana passes and she closes her eyes at the annoying fact that, no matter where on the ship she goes, the damn AI can still talk. "With all due respect, while there may not be any signatures near the drop zone, I advise caution."
"With all due respect," Jana says flatly as she steps into the lift, "Shut up and remember who the commander of this ship is."
This lifeless, useless ship …. Or is it more a lifeless, useless commander?
EDI doesn't press the issue, knowing when to leave Jana to her silence as she rides the lift down to the Docking Bay to prep for her drop. She thinks briefly about going without her armor or helmet and just letting the ammonia fill her lungs and suffocate her, but she's made a promise to her love because she thinks he'd be one to approve of the sentiment. She'll stay with the Normandy until it crashes and burns or someone takes away her command.
Oh, how I'd love to give up command.
"Hey, Commander." Vega is hesitant, his grin fading as soon as he sees the blank expression on her face and he rubs his neck nervously. "You going down? Want me to suit up?"
"Not this time," she says as she types in her command to the armor locker and starts to remove her things and strap them on. "I'm going this one alone."
Cortez steps out from where he's working on the thrusters, a frown etched deep into his features. "Ma'am, I'd be happy to take you down. Uh," he says, clearing his throat, "Not that I don't think you can't handle the Kodiak, just that I'm worried about you going alone down there in case anything were to happen."
"There's nothing down there but an artifact. I'll contact a team to move it if I have to, but I want the peace and quiet." She doesn't care for the look of hurt on either man's face as she tightens the clasps on her chest plate. "I can handle my own damn self well enough. In fact," she says, raising her voice as she glances at EDI's camera situated above the lift's doors, "EDI, tell everyone to stop treating me like I'm going to break down any minute. And even if I do, I don't need anyone trying to 'take care of me' or 'worry about me.'" She turns her gaze to Cortez. "Got it?"
"Yes, Shepard." EDI's voice sounds more dejected than normal, but Jana's sure it has more to do with the way Cortez and Vega seem to shrink away from her than the actual AI's tone.
"Good." Grabbing her helmet, Jana tucks it under her arm and moves to the weapons locker, sets it down on the bench beside the locker, and starts to go through her weapons, deciding which she'll take with her planetside.
After a long silence and the two men have moved to hovering around at Vega's workstation and Jana inspects various weapons and mods, she finally snaps them into place on her armor and picks her helmet back up. "Cortez," she calls, waiting until he's visibly stood straighter from his position with Vega trying to seem unassuming and unintrusive, "Is the shuttle ready to drop?"
If there's one thing that the man knows anything about, it's his shuttles. He tried once to share some wisdom and comfort about losing a loved one, explaining that he also lost a husband not too long ago, but she quickly dismissed him. Her wounds are too raw to want to bring up with a man who obviously only wants to talk to her as a way to heal her instead of sharing her pain. Just the look on his face told her all she needed to know about him trying to overlook his own loss by ignoring it in hopes of fixing hers.
She doesn't want someone to fix her when they won't even acknowledge they need to be fixed too.
Cortez jogs up to her side, matching her pace as she heads for the shuttle. "Yes, ma'am. Are you sure you want to go alone?"
"Very." Climbing into the open shuttle, Jana turns back to give him one more stern look. "I'll comm if there are any issues, but other than emergencies, radio silence." She hits the command to lower the shuttle hatch. "Let everyone know."
He barely hears his soft, 'Yes ma'am' before the shuttle's hatch locks into place as she moves to the cockpit. As she sets her helmet in the co-pilot's seat, the shuttle's interface comes to life with the brilliant glow of colors from its console, the cockpit and shuttle otherwise dark. Her hands settle over the holographic controls as the Cargo Bay's doors open to leave nothing but the Normandy's kinetic barriers and the shuttle itself to keep her from feeling the suffocating cold that killed her once before.
Things seemed so much easier then … when I was frantically flailing to stifle the air escaping my suit and will the empty vacuum of space to miraculously have a bit of oxygen in its vastness that I could breathe.
Sighing, Jana launches the shuttle, propelling it through the shimmering barrier protecting her crew from the same fate and heading towards Talis Fia's atmosphere.
She has to give Cortez credit for his diligent work on the shuttle. Thanks to his many modifications and studious upkeep, she barely feels the force of breaking through the atmosphere. Normal Kodiaks have a bad reputation for bucking hard from the entry into any planet's atmosphere, but this is almost soothing, which is good because Jana hates to admit she's actually quite afraid of heights.
Space, she can handle because she doesn't have that feeling of gravity reminding her of what-ifs should she fall, crashing to the ground, but actually going to ground is so much different. Planes and all planetside transport leaves a thick weight in her stomach and she finds herself holding her breath even now as she watches the shuttle's readings dance about as it automatically works to adjust itself for a gradual descent. She finally releases it when the thrusters' readings level out to a speed she's more comfortable approaching the surface at and the subtle, ever so slightly there tremble of the shuttle settles. She may not be Cortez, who can manage an entry like he was simply driving a skycar barely raised off the ground, but she can rest easy knowing she at least has enough control to drop on a planet without his presence hovering over her shoulder.
Jana sits back in her seat, letting the VI pilot towards the dig site of the prothean obelisk she's after, closing her eyes. When volus ambassador spoke of the possibility of someone being able to use the knowledge the obelisk may hold, the additional prospect of the trip giving her an unintended chance at some time alone and away from the Normandy and war effort made her decision for her. She can take this exploration and retrieval mission as a chance to catch her breath and simply let her mind drift without any intrusion.
Even though she's hollow and her facade is cracked, no longer affected by the war and inevitable end of civilization, she has a small flicker of guilt reminding her that there are still a handful of people deserving of her attempts. She can go through the motions - live with the failures until those few no longer need or want her - if it means that they have even a small bit of hope that what they're doing in this fight might pay off.
Who knows? Maybe I can lengthen the fight long enough for people to put their things in order, settle any grievances, and find comfort in their loved ones instead of simply being snuffed out before any realization sets in ….
She's jerked out of her thoughts by a clatter in the back of the shuttle's cargo hold and she sighs, rubbing her thumb and forefinger above her brows. She wants peace, but all she gets is someone sneaking into the shuttle under a false sense of concern for her and her sanity.
"I know you're back there," she says, giving a last glance at the console to make sure the VI has control of the descent before shifting in her seat to look back into the darkened reaches of the shuttle. "I thought I made it pretty damn clear I didn't want anyone coming along."
A few more clanks of something metal, yet small, against the shuttle's floor fill the tense silence before someone steps out from behind the barrier between the personnel area and actual cargo compartment. Immediately, she recognizes the shadow as the person steps into the low light and Jana's expression softens, mask showing its cracks and chips to the only one she feels she can trust.
"Tali," she says, frowning in confusion. "What are you doing in the Kodiak?"
"I had a … program running … down in engineering." The hesitance in her voice gives Jana a clue as to what that programming might be for …
Now that he's not here to calibrate them himself ….
Tali's hands fidget before she motions a thumb over her shoulder. "So I thought I could come down here and work on the automated 'sink storage so it has a better reading of its remaining supply." She shifts on her feet, avoiding any kind of eye contact with Jana. "I've noticed it's been off by a couple of heat sinks and I just thought …."
"It's fine," Jana says, tone softer than she's been using on the rest of the crew as she adjusts herself back in the pilot's seat. "Thanks for keeping it accurate. Never know …."
"Jana." Tali's the only one - alive … - who can call her that, and with a note of concern in her voice as well. She steps into the cockpit but doesn't sit. She simply takes Jana's helmet and holds it between her hands, tilting and turning it as if to examine the pockmarks and large patches of missing paint Jana hasn't felt the need repaint to keep it pristine.
It works, so why bother looking pretty?
Sighing because she knows basically what Tali's going to say, Jana shakes her head and glances at her friend. No, not her friend. Her sister basically, one she's never had and more family than her own mother, Hannah.
"I know what you're going to say-"
"But I'm still going to say it," Tali interrupts, stroking her thumb over the visor of the helmet before finally looking to Jana. "I care about you … and I'm worried."
Scoffing, Jana crosses her arms as the shuttle lifts its nose to align it with the thrusters to begin its landing. Everyone says the same thing, that they care and they worry.
Glancing at Tali tells a different story than the one Jana's been seeing, though. She can't see her friend's face, exactly, but she can tell from the focused look in her eyes and her lowered shoulders that the words are true, the sentiment fully felt. Tali never looked at her with sympathy after she lost Garrus, but with complete empathy.
Perhaps it's because Tali lost not only one friend, but two. Not just any friends, but those she considered her own family, who she admitted to feeling so connected to that she'd expose herself to sickness just to experience the closeness of linking suits with them. Jana and Garrus were there for her when they found her father, when they lied to keep his actions secret and not destroy his place of honor in the quarians' annals, and when they later grieved for not just a lost father, but for the loss of what could have been in Tali's life.
She was the only one to seek me out after. Not because she had empty platitudes, but because she wanted to get drunk, help me find a dark, safe place, and cry until our entire bodies felt the physical pain to match our emotional ones.
Admitting to herself that she really does want to do good by her friend, to hold her pieces together long enough to give her a fighting chance, Jana looks out of the window to a darkened dig site, void of any life besides the two of them. The air is thick and rolls along the ground, but it's the flicker of lighting in the dense clouds overhead that draw her attention as they bolt from cloud to cloud in a brilliant flash. She can see them spread across the sky with their deadly and deceptively delicate looking fingers. If the sky could live, the lightning would be coming to life with the beat of its heart that can be heard seconds later as loud, booming thunder.
"I know you're worried," she finally says, closing her eyes. "But I really don't care." She pauses, feeling the hurt radiating off her friend even without needing to see her face. "I can't, Tali …. I try, but I can't."
Where she'd hear most say, 'He wouldn't want you to give up,' she instead hears the gentle tap of Tali's hand coming to rest on her armored shoulder.
"I just …." Jana's voice falters and she swallows heavily, images of a happier time dancing in the darkness behind her closed eyelids. Her hands fist on her lap and she can hear her gloves creak. "I don't know how to keep going …. I hate it when I wake up every morning because I know I'm still alive …."
Without giving Tali a chance to speak, Jana opens her eyes and stands. She needs to move, even if it's just the short distance within the shuttle. Tali doesn't get in her way as she paces, but does watch Jana carefully, as if waiting for the moment she needs to catch the pieces when she finally crumbles. She almost moves closer when Jana suddenly stops, but lets Jana have space as she drops her head into her hands and taking a single, heaving breath.
"I would give anything to have him back," she says into her hands, not sure if Tali's heard her. "And I know I should be ashamed of that … of being willing to throw everyone else's lives away just for him, for my selfish wish … but …." She lifts her gaze to Tali only steps away. "But I don't care about anyone else …."
A lesser person would flinch from the very realization of meaning so little to someone as close to them as she and Tali are, but Tali doesn't.
Because she understands ….
Instead, Tali sets Jana's helmet down and moves closer, wrapping her arms around Jana even as she drops her head in her hands once again. She hums something obviously musical, but alien, as Jana's dam breaks, her last barrier shattering under the pressure, and sobs in her friend's arms. Tali doesn't speak a word, only hums her soothing song, but her voice wavers in her own sadness and it only further weighs down on Jana. Both women slip to the floor of the shuttle, in each other's arms as tears of distress, regret, pain, and hopelessness fall from their eyes.
"I just don't have it in me anymore …." Jana's breath is shaky as she rests her head on Tali's shoulder and Tali does the same, though Jana's sure her armor makes it difficult. "I know what everyone's thinking … 'this isn't what he'd want,'" she says with a mocking whine to her voice, not yet being told those words, but hearing them behind everyone's sympathies. "Fuck what he'd want …. He'd want to be alive, is what he'd want …."
"I know." Tali sits back enough to cup Jana's face so they lock gazes. "You don't have to be Commander Shepard anymore if you don't want."
Frowning in confusion, Jana tilts her head slightly. "I can't just give up …. What about you-"
"I can keep going," Tali interrupts, finally releasing Jana's face once she figures she has the other woman's attention. She takes Jana's hands in hers and squeezes them. "I'm a grown quarian …. And I have a shotgun."
The light tone to Tali's attempt at levity startles a huff of laughter from Jana and she dips her head, shifting her hands to give Tali's a squeeze in return. "Yeah … I guess you do …."
A sudden flash of light brightens the shuttle with a blinding light and deep bellow of thunder that feels like it shakes the shuttle - which it might have - gives Jana the last boost she needs to tuck this away for later and remind her that it'd be best if they at least find the obelisk before the obviously heavy storm hits.
"I guess that means we're heading out, trying to get to that obelisk before we get caught in the worst of it," she says as she uses one of the seats as leverage to get to her feet. She offers a hand to Tali and tries to smile when she gives Jana's hand a tight squeeze once she's standing and just before releasing her.
"Yeah …." Tali turns to the hatch's controls and waits for Jana to get her helmet on and sealed, giving the go ahead with a nod. "I want to send out Chiktikka to scan the area …. You know, just in case."
Jana nods as the hatch swings open with a loud grinding of its metal hydraulics. "Good idea. 'Complacency breeds disaster.'"
Tali's drone flickers to life before taking off quickly, its glow illuminating the haze as it passes. "Where'd you hear that?"
"I don't know," Jana lies, knowing full well it's something she drilled into her own head those six months on Earth with nothing to do but stand at attention as she was condemned for following orders that were never officially existed. "Come on."
Closing the hatch behind them to keep the amount of ammonia from seeping into it to a minimum, Jana reaches over her shoulder for her assault rifle and takes it in hand. She jerks her chin towards the dim light of Tali's drone when their eyes meet and silently motions for Tali to walk ahead of her. With the haze as thick as it is, it's safer for Tali to use Chiktikka's scans of the ground instead of blinding following the light it emits and Jana will take up the rear, sticking close enough to Tali to defend the quarian as she walks with most of her attention on her omni-tool and its readings.
"It isn't too far," Tali says, glancing up ahead before nodding and pointing, but at a slight decline. "There's a small crater where they've been digging, but my readings say it's there."
"Sounds good." Jana squints her eyes, trying to see if she can see any sign of the obelisk through the dense haze. "Can your readings tell if it's prothean?"
Tali hums, stopping suddenly as she taps at her tool. Jana takes the moment to step beside her friend and look around, noticing that the fog seems thicker ahead and she can't even catch the sparse glimpses of ground that peek through the shifting haze. It makes her think that perhaps they've reached the edge of whatever decline in the ground Tali's readings are picking up on.
Suddenly, the bright orb of Tali's drone slices through the haze, moving upwards towards them to prove that, sure enough, they stand at the edge of a downward angle. It pierces the haze well enough to give them a look of the ground and Jana is at least relieved to see that the slope isn't as drastic as she was fearing, so not being able to see their feet shouldn't hinder their progression too much if they remain cautious. Perhaps the denseness of the fog is affected by the obelisk in some way.
"Chiktikka can lead us through all this fog." Tali stands beside her glowing drone, closing her tool to exchange it for her shotgun. It seems neither of them truly like walking into the unknown without at least something at hand to give them the feel of control.
Jana simply nods and Chiktikka begins to move, slower so the two women can keep up with its pace despite their having to adjust to trekking down the decline. There's a sense of urgency with the rumbling thunder above and beginnings of some solitary sprinkles of rain, but they have to take it carefully to limit any possible injury. The last thing Jana needs is for one of them to break an ankle trying to run an errand for Hackett so he can try and use the obelisk for his doomed Crucible project somehow.
Jana's boots skid a bit on some smaller rocks and she hears Tali curse when something gives under her own foot, but they manage to shift their bodies to keep from tumbling, tilting so that they lean into it with their sides instead of taking a frontal approach. Without looking down, Jana can begin to tell the shift in the ground beneath her feet by the sounds and growing firmness of whatever layer of hard material encased the prothean obelisk.
"It should be right-" Tali's voice cuts off as she gasps and waves at the fog in front of her mask. "I see it!"
Holstering her rifle back onto her back, Jana steps down onto ground that seems to finally level out and begins to walk towards the unnaturally straight shadow in the fog. Tali is right behind her, obviously still wary of prothean artifacts after all the time they've been together and everything they saw on Ilos. Gradually, the haze thins enough to reveal what as to be the obelisk.
Standing taller than the beacon on Eden Prime, it has four sides that gradually come together until they form a small pyramid at the top with its point above its exact center. Although it still needs some cleaning off from the few caked on pieces of mud here and there, Jana recognizes the shimmery, almost black of its surface. The shimmering symbols and - she guesses - prothean script along its surface seem different though and she almost lets her curiosity get the better of her and reaches out to touch it, but stops herself.
I remember the last time I messed with anything prothean …. And its shining means it's active.
"Radio the Normandy and tell them to get Liara on the comm," Jana says, turning to Tali and tilting her head towards the obelisk. "This thing is active and could be dangerous." She scoffs and her gaze drifts back to it. "They always seem to be."
A bright flash of light surrounds them and Jana lifts a hand to cover her eyes, not hearing anything if Tali has spoken. The thunder roars, louder than even the Reapers and it makes her ears ring and the ground shakes with such force she swears she can feel it breaking apart beneath her feet.
She knows she should be afraid of the sudden weightlessness and blinding, white light surrounding her or the odd warmth seeping beneath her armor, but all she can think of is how thankful she is that it's finally happened. She just hopes Tali wasn't caught in it with her, though.
Tali deserves more than a death possibly brought on by Jana's intense will for it all to end.
"Jana …."