Quinn looked down. There weren't many people out - it had to be at least ten at night. Even in the city that never slept, there was a quiet time. On a weekend, there might be more activity, but tonight it was dead quiet. Overhead the stars shone, barely visible through the city smog and glaring street lamps. Quinn sighed, watching the night sky for several long minutes. It was beautiful, tainted as it was by human nature. Perhaps she would go up there - become one of those. It was a naive, childhood belief, but in it there was some comfort. Stars, they were perfect - a shining beacon to those who sought them out.
In her hands Quinn gripped the safety railing of the balcony. It was cold, parts of the white paint flaking away under her touch, leaving rusted, shine-less metal behind. She let out a shaky breath, the action helping to steady her thoughts and her body. Her feet rested on a narrow ledge, toes treading nothing but air.
So this was it.
She inhaled, and looked down again. A taxi drove by, followed closely by a pizza delivery car. Once they had passed, there was nothing. No one. It was like the world had shied away, leaving her in peace for these precious few moments - last few moments. Quinn was completely alone, up there on the ledge of the roof.
She didn't even live there - Quinn couldn't bring herself to do that kind of thing so close to home. It just felt right to pick a random building, take the stairs to the roof, and hurl yourself towards the pavement.
Quinn laughed, mirthless, the sound carried away by the wind that blew past her. Her loose hair fluttered with the movement, caught on the edge of a particularly forceful gust.
Her knuckles had long since gone white with the effort she put into holding her body there, lingering with the living just a few minutes more. Quinn kinda liked it - the whole being alive thing. It wasn't so bad. There just wasn't anything left for her there. No one to come home to at night - lover or child. She didn't want to leave Beth all alone, but she had her own mother now. Quinn was just the awkward aunty who came by every so often with gifts that left her without food or transport for the week. Whatever money Quinn earned, though, she wanted to leave to Beth. It wasn't much - she would have been a terrible mother, in retrospect - but anything to help her girl.
There came another dry laugh from her, warm tears making their way down her face. Mascara smudged, a grey line along her cheek, but who was going to care about that? When she hit the ground, would her face even remain in tact? How long would it take them to find dental records, or would her teeth shatter too? Would they even bother? Quinn would be fine becoming just another statistic. They didn't need to identify her. She didn't want her parents to see her like that. Not that Quinn cared about them, but she didn't want them to see her strength and assume - as they did - that it was her weakness. Just another little thing to change about young Quinny.
"Hey."
The sound was so unexpected that Quinn's foot shot out, slipping and almost sending her careening to the ground she had long been preparing to meet. The only thing that saved her was a tiny hand wrapped tight around her waist.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you." The person said. Quinn's eyes were squeezed shut, and she focused on the solid metal in her hands. If she let go, gravity would still pull her down. It was tempting. "Why don't you come over this side of the rail?"
Quinn hadn't yet turned to meet the stranger, hoping it wasn't someone going to drag her off to a mental hospital or something. If it was, she wouldn't be surprised. Suicide wasn't what people usually considered the act of someone in sound mind. Quinn felt the sanest she ever had, though, right there in that moment. Completely at one with her destiny, completely in control. "Why should I?" She mumbled, breeze tossing her light words into the silence.
"Because this is a safety rail. For safety, you should be on this side."
"I don't want to be safe." Quinn muttered, words harbouring both a sense of loss and determination. "I want to die."
She heard a sigh from behind, hand still locked tight around her midriff. "Don't do it here."
"Why not?" Quinn spat back, surprised at the sudden snap in her words. She was just so sick of people telling her what to do and when and where and how. Everyone acted like they had the right to tell her how to live.
If she could only dictate one thing in her life, it would be her death.
"Listen, just climb back over the rail and talk to me. If I don't change your mind, I'll just go back downstairs and not look out the window for a while, okay?"
Reluctantly, Quinn nodded. The hands inched away from her body, but hovered there, in case she did decide to jump. With the finesse of a lifelong gymnast, Quinn hooked one leg back over the railing, vaulting over to the safe part of the balcony. Her hands shifted, but did not completely leave the railing.
"Good." The girl in front of her chimed. She had dark brown hair, falling about her shoulders in thick waves. She didn't look like she had intended to leave her room, an oversized Wicked sweatshirt hanging about her shoulders and a pair of black shorts adorning her tiny body. Woken up? Quinn wasn't a loud girl - she'd snuck out of her parents home for years without them knowing. Then she had been awake, but why was she monitoring the stairs? Or had she just been looking to find solace on the roof, and instead found her there?
Quinn made a point of not meeting her eyes. "Talk." She commanded, already missing the sense of freedom she had had hanging over the edge. Control. She'd had it, just for those few precious minutes.
"R-right, as I was saying..." The girl pulled herself together, smoothing out her hair, and then her clothes, before giving a self-satisfied nod. "I live on the fifth floor. An old lady lives below me, her name is Anna." Under Quinn's distracted gaze, the words she spoke came out in an uncertain hurry. "She's a stargazer. Sometimes I join her. She even named her cat Copernicus. You know, like the guy who figured out about the sun and orbit and stuff?"
Drawing in a slow breath through her nose, Quinn nodded to show she understood.
"Yes, well, she really likes to look out at the moon and stars."
Quinn waited a second before glancing over at the smaller woman. She had a curious expression on her face, but didn't appear to have any more to say. "Why should I care about your neighbour?" Quinn asked, pondering the non-sequitur she had been presented with. So the lady on the fourth floor liked stars - a good thing to know in death.
"Well, if you jump... she'll see you." The brunette drew her disjointed story together, eyes still intently focused on Quinn. "Maybe your life is so bad you need to resort to... this, but why should you ruin what this woman loves because of your selfishness?"
Quinn felt her jaw slacken, and then tense. "I'm going to kill myself and you come up here to call me selfish?" She asked, raising one fine, blonde brow.
"Not to make you feel bad!" She said, holding her hands up in defense. "Just... I just wanted you to rethink your choice. There are people you will hurt doing this." Her eyes drooped now, focusing on the concrete floor beneath them.
Silence reigned over the pair.
Quinn's fists continued to tense as she worked through her thoughts about the strange girl who had just called her selfish as she contemplated killing herself. She was just like everyone else in Quinn's life - thinking they know what's best, and judging her for her own decisions. Giving Beth up had been a choice forced upon her by her mother and the father of her child. Moving here, to New York, had been her father's choice. Send his messed up teenage mother to a reputable college and erase all the memories of the past - same as they'd done to overweight, ugly Lucy. And now a complete stranger was out, disrupting her last few minutes of life by calling her selfish for wanting to die. In a way, it was a fitting end for her. Quinn would be followed by those who wanted to dictate her life to her, up until the last breath. If someone shouted she was jumping wrong, she might just laugh in that final split-second.
Abruptly, she spoke. "Would you like to get coffee with me?" The brunette asked, lifting her eyes and smiling tentatively.
Had Quinn ever made a choice for herself in her entire life? In all honesty, she couldn't say so - unless you counted picking out this building and taking the stairs two at a time.
"Sure." She said it so halfheartedly, as if it didn't bother her at all.
Somehow it felt like an important decision.
"Really?" The girl looked honestly shocked for a second, before brightening. "Okay, great! I'll just go change and grab my things and we can go."
Quinn watched her head towards the stairwell with quick strides, before she froze. She turned on her heel and marched right back to where Quinn stood. "I'm Rachel. It's nice meeting you." And she stuck out a hand.
With a light smile, Quinn shook her hand. "Quinn."
–––
author's notes: just an idea that's been bugging me - posted the start in celebration of 6k views for paradise. let me know if you'd like to see this continued. :) also written on my new laptop, which has a weird keyboard. apologies for any missed/wrong letters. i'm slowly adapting.
