"Who knows? I might hit rock bottom all over again tomorrow."
It was really stupid, wasn't it?
It's almost non-human, or just too human.
To care about someone more than yourself — is that normal?
To devote yourself to one person — it's always going to end the same, isn't it?
Words slip that you didn't mean, but felt right at the moment. Did you act on an impulse of feelings or bravery?
It doesn't matter because you fucked up. But did you really, or are you just making up your own tragedy? Maybe I needed to feel hurt. After all, I have been too happy lately.
One slip-up and you ran away. You're running away and looking back, secretly hoping she's coming after you.
She isn't.
You're all alone again. And it's all my fault.
Whether you want to or not, you're always going to have that false sense of hope. Even if you're too far to see her anymore, you're still going to look back.
As if she'd be able to run that fast, go that far, or find her way through those trees and trenches. How stupid are you? After all, she's younger too. She's weaker than you, but you want her to hold on and run after you. But you're running too fast.
As you keep going further, you don't even know where you're going anymore, as long as you're far away from this feeling you weren't used to.
It's too human and, after all, you aren't all human.
You think you're running away to safety, but you're just running away from being in the hands of another again. Isn't that what humans called safety, anyway?
Nonetheless, you run.
To live, you need you and nobody else.
But that's not what it meant to be human.
To be human you need to put others before you. What was it called again? Family? Who needs that bullshit?
After all, you don't have a family.
But what about her? What's she then?
You look back again. She still isn't there. Just wait. She will be.
You wonder if it was easier being a monster than it was being human — you know you can't be both simultaneously. You've tried. In fact, you're trying right now.
To run away from human needs and desires — it isn't easy.
Hold on to nothing and pray to nobody.
You pray to yourself — pray that you could do something only a monster could do.
You pray to be a monster again.
It sounds very stupid if you think about it.
But you stopped thinking a long time ago.
You already took the biggest step towards falling completely into humanity by falling for her
The moment you stop to catch a break, you realize you messed up again.
It's that voice again and it's calling your name. It sticks to your skin and wraps around your throat before it starts ringing in your ears, thundering in your head until it finally drops to your stomach — bringing you down with it.
You don't want to see her, not now. I can't wait to see her.
Turning around, you see she's there and release a sigh of both relief and disappointment.
Humanity wins again.
—
You violently throw the hand on your shoulder away and stand still looking at the ground, shaking your fists now.
"Ymir, what the fuck? Why did you run?" She was angry, but she wasn't crying.
The weather was just perfect too. The pouring rain had only brought her back into your mind and it was driving you crazy. Just a day ago, it could've been easier to just run, but now you were just trying to let her go.
Through the rain, the only sound that could be heard were your silent sobs. You were trying to hold them back, but you can only do that for so long. She's probably real tired of your crying by now. You could tell. She's pulling on your shirt right now and uses all her strength to turn you around, which almost causes both of you to fall.
She squeezes your wrist painfully. "Talk."
You take a breath and speak. "I'm going away for a while, so don't look for me."
Maybe she'll realizes she misses me and come looking for me.
The thoughts in your head are making you feel guilty, but this is the most cowardly option to possibly knowing how she really feels, so you take it. False bravery always makes you look like the stronger one, doesn't it?
"What?" It took you a while to realize she's been shaking and trying to look you in the face for probably a while now. Either that, or she gets red real fast.
She's squeezing even tighter now and repeats the question, so you repeat the answer. If she asks again, you might change your mind and pretend it was a joke. You should probably talk now.
"It's not worth it, Krista." She looks confused now.
"What's not worth it." Her grip has loosened. Finally — your wrists can breathe. They've been hurting too much lately.
"What's not worth it? You don't know? Fuck, running after me in the rain isn't worth it, Kirsta!"
You didn't mean to start yelling and to your surprise, she's still holding on and doesn't look shaken by you at all.
"I know that's not what you meant, Ymir. I know you better than that."
"Do you? Do you know how mad you make me? Krista, I don't want to hurt you, so leave."
"Would you just shut the fuck up already, Ymir? Lately you're getting more emotional than me and everyone else if you think about it. I realize you're hurt and everything, but I'm human too."
You let those words sink in. She's human too. Of course you know that, but you always made yourself think it was the other way around that maybe you could be human too.
"Ymir, I'm also starting to wonder if it's worth it asking you every time and never getting the right answer. Is it really for me? Are you that afraid of hurting me?"
Yeah.
"No. I'm not. You just make me so fucking mad." You make me so fucking happy.
There you are, lying again. You're never going to move forward lying the whole time and you fucking know it.
Creasing your eyebrows and closing your eyes, you look away to speak without looking at her. All you manage to do is mutter.
"I…uuuh. That's. Um. Yeah, bye." A feeling of pride takes over because you finally said it!
And then… "Ow! Krista, what the fuck?" She head butted you and caused you to bite your lip. The taste of your own blood was becoming too familiar.
"Ymir! I didn't hear anything!" All of a sudden she's holding your face down just inches away from hers. You're trying to talk but all you can see are her gorgeous pink lips.
She moves her hand to grab your shoulders but before you know it, you've leaned down quickly to kiss her. She makes a muffled sound, but doesn't resist and resumes to grab on tightly to your shoulders. You move your hands to cup her face and hold her tight, but the sound of thunder wakes you up and you remember where you are and what you were supposed to do. You were supposed to be gone by now.
Right now you're absolutely beaming, but you turn around to see Krista hiding her face and mumbling words under her breath. The sight is too precious and words slip from your tongue.
"God, I fucking love you." Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.
"Wait, what? Is that why you're always looking at me, Ymir?"
She's reaching out for your arm. Without a response, she speaks again. "I just… I just thought you were always… horny."
You can't help but bust out laughing despite the seriousness of the situation and throw an arm around her shoulders only to receive a confused expression from the girl.
I have nothing to lose now.
"No silly, I'm in love with you."
"What?" She's looking more and more puzzled now.
The air is frozen and both of you grow silent and serious now.
"Ymir, I love you too." Nothing is going according to plan anymore. "You're so nice to me! I hope we can be friends for a long time."
Your shoulders drop. This isn't going according to any plan. Not the one in my heart or the one in my mind. Shit. You decide to elaborate.
"In love like, I want to be your girlfriend." Your lips are quivering and your heart beat is too fast to be normal.
"Oh… but we're already friends aren't we?" You're starting to panic. Does she even get what you mean?
"Krista — I want to kiss you in places besides your cheeks. That kind of love."
"Ymir, I don't know what that means." Now you're just getting desperate. You need an answer, not more confusion.
"Marry me." Words are slipping again.
She only shakes her head.
"Ymir, I don't know."
You drop your arm from around her shoulders. "Well then, I've told you everything." You kiss her cheek and start walking backwards.
You turn around and continue walking away. Maybe its too soon for her to understand. You only stop to say one last thing.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I love you. I'm sorry."
So I was right. She didn't feel the same after all.
You take one last glance at her.
She's still shaking her head.