This is probably a one off, basically I sat down and decided to try a more comedic take on the 40k grimdark universe
As I laid face first in the mud, las rifle in hand, and a veritable horde of orks charging my position, I found myself contemplating options. Number one, run like fuck and hope orks are as bad at shooting as everyone says, number two, bury my face in the mud and reassess my commitment to the breathing enterprise, or three, get up, put my man pants on and go down fighting, screaming bloody murder and for the emperor, and hope the bolter bitch hears it and puts in a good word for me. After noticing the commissar's bolt pistol, I went for option three.
I hauled myself out of the dirt, and stood on the parapet, unleashing las fire from the hip, I even gave the for the emperor a good go too, although there was too much mud on my face for it to come out as anything but "furr thhhr emprrr" with considerably more spluttering.
It was at this point i found out people who call lasguns flashlights have a point. I unloaded holy fury into a burly charging ork, and to my credit, it probably saved my life, one of the beams hit him in the eye, so instead of barreling into me with enough force to break every one of my ribs, he hit the commissar next to me while flailing.
The commissar, I think his name was Dunsen, died rather quickly, as his head was caved in by one massive fist.
I looked down at my lasgun, then at his bolt pistol. Then did the logical thing and threw my lasgun at the ork, ran forwards, scooped up the pistol, and put a round into the lasgun, now speared into his chest. The explosion was rather satisfying.
To complete the set I quickly stole his combat blade, I rather thought I'd need it considering. My view of glorious death in battle came entirely from imperium propaganda, and the guy fighting almost always had a sword.
I glanced over my shoulder to see the sister, probably the sole reason most of us were still breathing. She was fighting off two huge orks, beating one senseless with the butt of her bolter, while carving the other a new arsehole with her chain sword.
The thought flashed through my mind that perhaps I should stop watching her kill things and do some of it myself, the thought was kindly punctuated by an axe flying over my head. The ork who threw the axe looked at me for a second, and I looked at him, he looked at the bolt pistol, yelled "WAHHGGGHHHH" and ran at me. That just made the bullet hit him harder and his head explode that little bit more.
Orks are amazingly stupid, after seeing two of their mates get turned to shrapnel, they ran straight at me and got bolter shells to the face. In the momentary lull caused by obliterating three of the enemy in less than five seconds, I took the time to notice, the only people left standing, out of the three hundred alive this morning. Was me and the sister. ~fuck, I'm going to die. I'm going to die with only a nun for company~ I was brought out of my trance by the most violent list of expletives I'd ever heard, and I'm
pretty creative with my curses, that ended in a burst of bolter fire and a spray of blood.
"Guardsmen! To me in the emperors name!" Another volley of bolter shells. Another ork took one of my bolts, in the chest this time, the thought occurred to me I had no idea how many rounds I had left.
As ordered I ran to her side, testing out my newly stolen sword on the way by swinging it full force into an orks face. It went straight through and kept on going, leaving a bemused looking greenskin with one eye, half a nose and a lot less blood.
It was at this point I caught her eye, her helmet turning to me. they say first impressions count, and to a sister, there isn't a better one than running towards her, covered in blood, with a freshly half decapitated ork behind you. I assumed I looked pretty badass, even if I was half shitting myself.
It was at that moment, she realised we were alone, against at least a hundred orks. She faced the prospect of her imminent death rather well. "I said guardsmen! Not guardsman! Who gave all of you permission to die?!" Shouting at corpses may seem idiotic, but it made me smile and confused the hell out of the greenskins.
"Who should we ask for permission to die?" I raise my arm to fire again, bracing for the recoil this time. Blowing the brain out of another orks skull, soon followed by his face. "Do not ask permission if you do not, guardsman, it's rude." Under that helmet, I swear she was grinning. Nothing gets a sisters blood pumping like slaughter, I suppose.
I smiled at him, the last guardsman alive, who would most likely be my companion on the long walk to terra and the emperor's side. At least he was competent, I fully expect to take at least half of these xenos with me. Another wave of greenskins is almost upon us, my bolter spits holy retribution. 'In battle all sins are cleansed by fire' that's what Sister superior Hedia said. Combat is truly glorious, to do the emperors work is good, the older sisters always said. They never mention how good it feels, to mow down hundreds of filthy xenos for countless crimes against the imperium. By the golden throne I have to smell it, recycled air cannot compare to the iron stench of blood. I tossed my helmet to the ground, the tactical information basically worthless now anyway. The tang of blood filled my nostrils, such a sweet smell to come from xenos.
She's lost it... For sure she's gone mad, a hundred... Only about eighty now actually, but the point stands, orks bearing down on us and she's spaced out. The strain of firing a bolt pistol one handed is getting to me, bones juddering with each shot. Standing on top of the ruined defensive line, blowing greenskins apart with each shot... Not going to lie I felt like a badass. Well, until I ran out of ammo. The hammer hit home, my arm was braced, but instead of the bone shuddering boom of the bolt igniting, I was met with a empty clunk. "Shit... Shit shit shit" the bolt pistol served its final purpose as I hurled it at an orks head. The big bastard reeled, a gash in his head. The shock gave me enough time to ram my sword into his guts, the look of surprise on his face may have been worth the smack I took from his mate. Probably not. His huge fist connected with my helmet, sending me flying. In the brief moment of weightlessness I prepared for the landing. It wasn't enough, blackness engulfed my vision.
The guardsman hit the ground with a audible thud, his body going limp. Another brave servant of the emperor dead, xeno scum. "Feel the might of the Emperor's wrath, scum!" My bolter once more became an instrument of his unending fury, the joy of battle flowed through me. I couldn't stop myself. I ran forwards, bolter still firing I hit the first of them with my shoulder, his neck snapping back with a crunch. "Ey boyz, itz one dem big umies!" His head exploded, a bolt slamming home. The three greenskins standing over the guardsman's still body reeled as fragments of bone rained down on them. My chainsword carved a bloody swath through them, ceramite teeth ripping into flesh, shredding bone. A huge ork, covered in slabs of plasteel, with a claw like power swords strapped to his hand made his way up the embankment. "Yous a fightsy one ain't ya? Warboss smash ead'll be well appy when I bring ya ead to im."
He lunged, opening his claw to strike me. Cracking a smile, I jumped, shoulder first into his face, as several tonnes of ceramite crashed into his skull, I brought my chainsword up, engine roaring. His claw closed around it, wrenching it from my hands. "Right ya git! I've had enough of you!" His left fist hit me in the gut, the plating taking most of the force, but sending me sliding backwards none the less. I spat. "I'm going to rip your fucking teeth out." He swung, i dodged, closing the gap and punching him square in the jaw, it crunched satisfyingly as it broke. "Oww, whd yu doo dert?" His neck snapped with a loud grinding crunch. Body hitting the floor like a tonne of bricks.
I'm in a forest... Must have left the line... Why am I looking at a sister of battle's arse? Oh She's carrying me... I'm looking at her arse. That's it, I'm going to be executed for this. Oh well, way as well enjoy the view for now. "I know you're conscious guardsman, and I know you're looking at my ass" fuck
"Please don't kill me" she laughs, a deep booming sound, about as far removed from girly as is possible. "Don't worry, I'm not going to kill you, I could do with the company." All of the air left my lungs in one whoosh. "Touch my ass, then I'll kill you"
hell, I've found the only sister with a sense of humour... Wait she isn't a psyker is she, if she can read my mind I'm so dead
"Are you going to say anything else?"
Okay she can't read my mind.
"Erm, uhh... Do you want to put me down? I can walk" you're a fucking idiot, now she probably thinks you're a simpleton.
That laugh again, her voice is quite probably deeper than mine, I'm not sure how I feel about that yet.
"Very well guardsman, use your own two feet" she deposits me with a light thud on my feet, a fully armoured guardsman, I must weigh over a hundred kilos, and she's throwing me about like a ragdoll. I have to incline my head uncomfortably upwards to look her in the eyes.
"So... Erm... Hi... Er I mean hello my lady" I don't think I've hit the ground faster in my life, down on one knee jax, hope not to die.
A few seconds pass. Nothing...
I look up and she's grinning at me, barely holding back fits of laughter.
"What? This is what I'm supposed o do right?" My voice comes out a little indignant.
"Well yes... But it's still so funny! You're actually terrified! God emperor save my sides!"
I'm shooting her my best not amused face, a level of deadpan only a corpse could best.
"A man who just fought a dozen orks! Oh my emperor!" She burst into full on hysterics, hands dropping to her knees to stay upright. At some point during her minute long giggle fit I got up.
"Okay... Whew... I'm fine" she suppressed another wave of giggles. And waves an arm in my general direction, all the while staring at the ground.
"The fuck was that?" At this point my shits to give meter has hit zero.
"Pardon?" A hint of hint of my own sentiment in her voice.
"You just laughed at me for a straight minute."
"Uhhh huh" her grin subsides into a smirk
"I thought sisters were complete fanatics with no sense of humour"
She raises an eyebrow at that.
"Consider me an outlier then, and count yourself lucky, any other sister would kill you for staring at her arse."
"It's a nice ass, can you bla-" I chocked mid-sentence. "Oh fuck. I should not have said that"
Her eyebrows are about to detach from her face and achieve flight.
Her grin flickers back across her face.
"Turn around" a hint of mischief creeps into her tone.
"Wha- what?"
"Turn around"
As ordered, I about turn and face away from her, all the while wondering what the hell she's doing.
"Hm, I've seen better, not bad though."
"What the fuck!?" I'm halfway turned back around when her gauntleted hand hits my backside, and sends me sprawling onto the leaf strewn floor.
"Oh god your little face was priceless!" She descends into another giggle fit. "But seriously not bad though... Nothing on when I snuck into the space marines barracks when I was a tryo... Emperors pauldrons that was a heavenly ass."
I'm dead. Only explanation, dead and this is some daemon taunting me.
"What? I was a teenager once too" expression blank, engage disbelief.
"Excuse me if I'm getting this wrong. An adepta sororitas, who I literally just saw slaughtering greenskins. Just commented on my ass."
"Yep"
"And she also snuck in to a space marine's barracks, when she was a teenager, to see them naked"
"Showers to be specific"
"I've found the weirdest sister ever." She nods to the side in acknowledgement.
"Yeah, pretty much... In any case, we should probably start moving, I can smell more orks" she wrinkles her nose at something I, with my feeble mortal senses can't smell.
And with that, walks on. After about five seconds, she looks over her shoulder. "Are you coming guardsman? Or are you going to wait for our green friends?" I quickly gather myself, get off my arse, and jog after her. "Um. Yeah, of course, sorry."
This has been a weird fucking day.
Reviews n stuff are appreciated, ("Lel that that was so gey" does not count as a review) if you like, give some ideas you'd like to see, even a self-insert character, if they sound interesting and on theme, I might use them, (I'll credit you if I do)