Title: Ancient Answering Machine

Author: libratraveller

Summary: Rodney finds some interesting messages that prove how unhelpful the Ancients were.

Disclaimer: SGA does not belong to me.

"Oh man. McKay has done it now. As soon as Dr. Weir finds out…"

"Rodney! What the heck are you doing!"

"Oh, hi Elizabeth. I was just checking out some coordinates and I... um may have found something."

"Fine. What did you find?"

"Recorded messages. It's like a galactic answering machine. You have to listen to this."

Message One

'This is the Universal Disaster Hotline, how may we help you?'

'Our planet is being sucked into a black hole.'

'Sorry to hear that. Perhaps you should relocate to another solar system. Have a slow day.'

Message Two

'Universal Disaster Hotline, what's your crisis?'

'Help, I got lost in time and I don't know what century I'm in.'

'May I suggest you reset your watch. Have a good time frame.'

Message Three

'Universal Disaster Hotline, what's your catastrophe?'

'Erm. If your sky suddenly turns pitch black, is that bad?'

'Your sun is about to go nova. I suggest you make peace with your deity. Have a nice last day.'

Message Four

'Universal Disaster Hotline, what seems to be the trouble?'

'My universe got pushed into an alternate dimension and it's suffering from entropic cascade failure.'

'I recommend you evacuate to your double's home planet and execute him. Have a unique day.'

Message Five

'Universal Disaster Hotline, your misfortune Mam?'

'My son has become an evil dictator set on conquering the galaxy.'

'Ground him and take away all his spaceships. Have a happy Mother's Day.'

Message Six

'Universal Disaster Hotline, what's the predicament of your species?'

'A plague is making everyone shrivel up and die.'

'Why not buy anti-wrinkle ointment? Have a young day.'

Message Seven

'Universal Disaster Hotline, how may we prevent your annihilation?'

'Huge asteroids are headed our way.'

'Launch a huge rubber mat up into space to alter its direction. Have a bouncy day.'

Message Eight

'Universal Disaster Hotline, your plight sir?'

'My ship is headed into the sun and I can't get away.'

'Try turning off auto-pilot. Have a manual day.'

Message Nine

'Universal Disaster Hotline, is there an emergency?'

'It's the end of the world as we know it.'

'Okay, sir. Take a deep breath. You see the radio in front of you? Change the station.'