I stop at the white moses basket that's standing in her room. It was a gift from Shailene for Adaline's birth. It matches the interior perfectly. My fingers wrap around the wood of the crib, my eyes staring at my daughter. She's dressed in pale pink clothes. She's sleeping. Her bright blue eyes are closed, but there's a smile on her lips. She might be farting, yet it looks like a smile. She's just eight days old, but has changed a lot already. Her features start looking more like me than her father. Troy was right, she definitely has my lungs. She can scream loudly when she wants something from her parents. But her voice… her voice has a melody in it when she cries. It's like she's singing while screaming. It's something the others don't hear. But I can hear her voice. And it's beautiful.

Flashback

"Why did you need an appointment alone?" Dr. Wyatt asks me as I sit down on her beige couch. I told Troy that I need a few hours for myself and that I'd go to the park to get some fresh air. Five days of being stuck in the house is exhausting. With rarely any sleep.

"I am a horrible mother." I say into the psychiatrist's green eyes.

She frowns at me, "Your daughter is only five days old. Why would you say that?"

I lean back, "I don't feel anything."

There's worry in her eyes as she knows exactly what I'm telling her. "What do you mean by that?"

I shrug, "That I don't feel anything. When I look at her… When I look at Adaline… There's nothing inside of me reacting to her. It's like silence in there."

She writes something down, "Maybe it's baby blues. You must be tired from all the feeding, diaper changing, walking around with her..."

I shake my head, "No, it's not baby blues. This is not normal. What I am feeling - or not feeling - is not normal. This is not just because I am tired. Which I am. All the time. And I am short tempered. All the time. But I have Troy who takes care of her as much as he can. He changes her diapers, he feeds her with the milk that I pumped down when I'm not home… She cries and he knows what she wants. He knows that she needs her diaper to be changed or that she's hungry or that she just wants attention… He knows! He's doing so incredibly well with her! And when he looks at her I can see pride and gratitude and love… God, there's so much love in his eyes for her. For his daughter. For our daughter…. And then there's me…" I shrug, "I look at her and I feel nothing. There's complete silence in my emotional department. I don't feel love. I don't even feel gratitude! I feel nothing." I start arguing, "And what kind of mother doesn't feel love when she looks at her daughter?! Tell me what mother feels nothing for her daughter?!" I know the answer. I've turned into Victoria.

Dr. Wyatt puts the pen and note block down before reaching out for my hand, "Gabriella, I don't think you should worry so much."

I feel tears building up in my eyes, "I might be able to cry right now, but with her… I can't even cry when she's hurting me by sucking on my nipple. I am nourishing her and it hurts immensely. I feel so much pain… But I don't cry. I can't share a tear in front of her. I can't show any emotion around her - good or bad. What kind of mother does this make me?!"

"What you are feeling is completely normal. It sounds like baby blues to me. It simply means that your hormones are not back in track. This is why you feel like this."

"If only I felt like this towards her!" I argue, "Why the hell can't I feel anything towards my own daughter?! My own flesh and blood? Everyone, really everyone in our family, loves her. Kelsi, Ryan, Miley, Lucas, Diana, Shailene, Troy… they are in awe of her. Madly, deeply in love. I mean, she had them under her spell from the first breath she took. They love her when she cries, they love her when she smiles, they love her when she poops and sleeps… But me… I don't feel anything. Nothing. No love." I pull a tissue out of the box and wipe my eyes. "This is something other than baby blues."

"Eight out of ten mothers have baby blues after giving birth. It's normal to feel the urge to cry all the time and be so short tempered."

I wave my hands in the air, "How long has it to last to be called depression? After ten days? Thirteen? Two weeks? A month?" I ask her back, "I don't think this is just baby blues."

"I suggest you wait for a few more days. Your hormones should be back in place by then. If it doesn't go away, we can talk about it again."

I nod, but that doesn't sound calming. "And what happens if it doesn't go away?"

"We'll see when we get to that point. But I wouldn't worry about it so much. As I said, it's perfectly normal to feel - or not feel in your case - this way. Give it time. You'll develop your relationship with her sooner than you think." she smiles at me.

"I've had her inside of me for 42 weeks. I had a relationship with her then! But now… I feel like giving birth, destroyed my relationship to her." I whisper.

"What did Troy say to this?" her voice is clear, but her eyes full of pity. It's the first time I see pity in her eyes. Through all we've been through together, everything I told her, today… Today's the first time I see pity in her eyes. Because she can see how much I suffer.

I bite my lip, "I haven't mentioned it to him."

"Oh Gabriella…"

"I know, this is like a huge step back in our development but…" I bite my lip, "God, just look at him when we have our first appointment together! He's so freaking in love with her and so full of joy… I don't want to take it away from him. Not until there's something to actually worry about." I still have hope that this is baby blues, but deep inside of me I know that's not the case.

"So, you've started to suppress your feelings again." she says, sitting up straight, "Okay, this is what I want you to do. I want you to ask all of your family member to leave Troy, Adaline and you alone. They make you feel pressure and you don't need that right now. You make yourself enough pressure already. I want you to just spent time with your family. With Troy and Adaline."

I nod, "Good. I can do that."

"And I want you to start meditating as well. I know it's helping Troy to deal with his issues as the shooter is still not caught. But I want you to try a different form of mediation. I want you to close your eyes and focus on your breath. On nothing else. Let your thoughts come and go, don't pay attention to them. Don't think about Adaline and how you should feel. Feel… Feel nothing."

I nod again, "I can do that. I can feel nothing. I already am."

End of Flashback

Give it time. You'll develop your relationship with her sooner than you think. Dr. Wyatt's words are ringing in my ears as I watch Adaline awakening from her sleep. She starts stretching her arms and legs before her eyes flutter open. There are the crystal blue orbs she has from her father. She looks me in the eyes and I wish I'd feel something for her. She doesn't deserve this. She doesn't deserve to be not loved by me. She did nothing wrong.

My daughter starts crying and I pick her up. She's probably hungry. She's been hungry every four hours and it's been four hours since the last time she was fed. I sit down on the rocking chair and free my left breast. My nipples are both sore from the last time I fed her. I didn't think breastfeeding would hurt so much. It's something no one tells you about! Quickly, her lips find my nipple and she starts sucking. Luckily, milk production is not a problem of mine. I am producing enough milk. Maybe even too much for her. Which is why I started pumping so soon. My breasts are just dripping in milk. All the time.

I feel a sharp pain coming from my left nipple. She's sucking really hard and I bite my lip to not wince. I'm nourishing her. I am the best mother I can be right now. Who doesn't feel love, but the least I can do is nourish her and change her diapers. I can take care of her. I will take care of her. She doesn't deserve a mother who doesn't feel. She deserves a loving mother... Her tiny hand reaches out and she catches my forefinger again. She wraps her fingers around mine as she drinks eagerly. I feel tears building in my eyes and I wish it would be out of love, but it's not. It's because of the pain that she's making me feel. It hurts so badly.

Once she's done with one breast, I give her the other. The right nipple doesn't hurt as much. Luckily. Yet, it's enough pain to make my eyes fill with tears again. God, what mother doesn't feel anything towards her baby? Her own flesh and blood?

"Oh hi." I hear my brother's voice saying and I look up. "Hey, are you alright?" he asks me as he walks in.

No one has asked me this question since we left the hospital seven days ago. Not even Troy. They've been all so focused on Adaline and taking care of her… I wipe the tears away and nod. I can't talk to anyone about how I feel - or how I don't feel. No one will understand. No one but Dr. Wyatt.

He knees down across me, his bright blue eyes looking into mine. For the first time, someone focuses on me and not on my daughter, who is still drinking. "You are not alright." he says, tilting his head to the side.

Lying has never been one of my strengths. Sometimes it's a curse, sometimes it's a blessing. I'm not sure which it is right now. "Close the door." I whisper to him.

He rises and closes the door of Adaline's room.

"Is Troy still downstairs?" I ask him, wiping the away more tears. Adaline finishes and I pick her up. I button up my blouse with my free hand and watch Ryan walking over to me.

"Yes. With the others." he says, now worry in his eyes. "Honey, what's wrong?"

I hold Adaline up and wait for her to burp, while rocking in the chair. "I am a horrible mother." it bursts out of me.

"You're not. Why would you say that?" my step brother knees down beside me.

"Because… Because I…" I can't tell him. I can't tell him that I don't feel anything.

"Because of what?" he asks as he hands me a napkin so Adaline won't burp on my blouse.

Shaking my head, I bite my lip. He won't understand. No one will.

He places his hand on my shoulder, "Gabriella, you can tell me."

I open my mouth to answer, but close it as I hear Adaline burping on the napkin. I quickly wipe her mouth with another napkin. Her hands reach out and touch my nose. She smiles at me. She's our daughter. A beautiful, beautiful baby… "I don't love her." I say in one breath before I look at my brother.

His eyes reflect shock and worry before they soften. "No you do."

"No I don't." I emphasize, "In fact, I don't feel anything towards her. No joy, no gratitude, no love… nothing."

There's surprise in his eyes before he bites his lip, "That's probably baby blues. Troy mentioned something like that when we were out."

He talks about me. My husband talks about me. He worries. Yet he hasn't mentioned anything towards me. His attention was on her and not me. I don't blame him. He's head over heels in love with her. I'd be the same. If I felt anything. I shake my head, "This is not baby blues. This is something more serious."
"Have you talked to anyone about this?"

"I talked to Dr. Wyatt. Three days ago, when I said I'd go out for a walk. I went to visit her." I feel uncomfortable talking about this.

"What did she say? I mean she's the expert."

"She said it would probably be baby blues and if it won't go away in two days then I should visit her again."

"And it didn't go away?"

I shrug, "Nothing changed. I mean, I still take care of her." I start walking through the room to get her back to sleep. "But inside of me it's… there's silence."

"Have you talked to Troy about it?"

I look at him, telling him the answer without words.

"Gabriella, you can't go through this alone." he sighs before rising to his feet again.

"I didn't want him to worry about nothing. I mean, at first I thought it would be just baby blues as well… But deep inside of me I knew that this…"

"That this could be postnatal depression?"

Depression. I feel a shiver going down my spine. It's a word so strong, so cold… I didn't think it would happen to me. "Yes. A postnatal depression. I think… No, I know that this is what I have."

"Okay… Okay, and what now?" he asks me a bit helpless.

I look at the watch hanging across the door in Adaline's room. "I have another appointment with Dr. Wyatt in thirty minutes. I need you as an alibi."

His mouth drops open, "No! I won't help you to lie towards your husband. You should inform him. You should do this with him. Not alone!"

"Ryan…" I brush through my hair as I feel Adaline falling asleep.

"Okay, fine. What we're going to do is go to Dr. Wyatt together." he suggests.

"No. I'm going alone."

"Fine. We'll say we go baby shopping at Harrods. And while I'm actually going to do this, you'll be sitting at Dr. Wyatt. How long does your appointment last?"

"Usually an hour." I say with a smile on my lips. I have the best brother in the world.

"Good." he says as I place Adaline back in her moses basket. "It should be enough time for us to be back in time."

"To be back in time for what?"

"For the others to not notice what the hell is going on." he says, rolling his eyes.

I pull him into a hug, "I love you." I say, feeling gratitude. No one would do that for me. Except for Ryan.

"If only you felt that kind of love towards her." his eyes rest on Adaline, who's fast asleep in her basket.

"I'm working on it." I mumble. I am working on it.

I let my body fall on the beige couch, which has become my second home now. There's rain clashing against the french windows. Six months ago I didn't think I'd feel so comfortable with a stranger. In a practice. Talking about my emotions. My past. But now… now I feel like this is my only glimpse of help.

"Has anything changed?" Dr. Wyatt's voice is filled with hope. Hope I don't feel.

I shake my head, "No. No improvement."

"But also no degradation." Dr. Wyatt clarifies.

"But I still feel nothing when I look at her. I mean, today I cried when I breastfed her."

"You cried?"

"But not because of me having finally feelings for her. It was because the pain I felt when she was sucking. No one told me that breastfeeding would hurt so much!" I say, brushing through my hair. "You said it would go away in two days. It didn't. What's the next step?" I ask her, knotting my fingers.

"I think you should talk to Troy about this."

I shake my head, "I can't. How am I suppose to tell someone who's head over heels in love with her that I, her mother, feel nothing?"

"Have you told anyone about your condition?"

"I told it Ryan so he can give me an alibi to come here."

"That wasn't a wise choice."

"My family expects me to be perfect and smile all the time. To mirror their joy and double the effect. They expect me to love her not less than they are! But I can't. I mean, I try. I pretend." I say and shrug, "I don't love her."

"What did Ryan say?"

"He was shocked. He didn't believe me at first. Of course he didn't. I don't think anyone would, to be honest."

"What happened after the first shock?"

"He pulled himself together and realized that he can't leave me hanging. I forced him to be my alibi."

"That was a bad idea. Where is he now?"

"Shopping for baby clothes at Harrods. Like we told the others."

"I don't think lying is going to help you. If there's one thing you should have learned from the past, then it's that lying doesn't help. It makes things worse."

I bite my lip, knowing she is right. "Tell me, how can I explain this towards him?"

"Try to catch a moment when you are both alone and Adaline's asleep so she won't interrupt you and therefore give you a reason to chicken out." Dr. Wyatt already knows me better than I know myself. "Ease him into this. Describe how you felt after you gave birth, a day later, six days later and how you feel today. Describe it as detailed as possible. Don't let the bomb drop like you did when you told him you slept with his brother. He might react differently then. Really ease him into this."

I snort, "He won't understand."

"You have to try to know the result."

"And you think this will help? Can't you prescribe me some antidepressant?"

There's a smile on her lips, "Giving you medication won't help if you don't talk about it. I want to clear the problem psychologically before trying to fix it physically. I believe talking about it with your husband - the one who is closest to you - might be all the help you need. Get this topic off of your chest. Talk to him about it. See how he reacts. Maybe you'll be surprised."

I spit out the toothpaste and rinse my mouth with water. Adaline's fed and asleep. The rest of our family has left us alone after having dinner with us. We cooked together. Adaline and the wedding of Miley and Lucas were the main topics. I felt so bad during dinner, they all chatted happily while all I could do was play with my food. I felt sick even thinking of telling my husband what's going on with me. He won't understand. This is the moment I've been waiting for the whole day. I brush through my curls with my fingers. My hands are already shaking. I don't remember feeling this nervous. God, he's going to freak out. He'll yell. He won't understand. My eyes stop at my wedding rings. Through good times and worse. Guess, we're facing worse times once more. Taking a deep breath, I try to calm down. I can do this. I can tell him.

I walk out of our bathroom and stop as I see him standing in our closet, changing into his pajama pants. He's such a good father. He's the helping hand I need so badly. The partner I can fully rely on. I watch his half naked body turning around. I have such a handsome husband.

"You like what you see?" he says with a smirk on his lips.

Sex. Sex is something that hasn't been on my mind ever since Adaline was born. It's been a while since I thought of it… I try to smile, "I have to talk to you."

His smirk drops and I notice how his body stiffens. Fuck, I already made him worried. I should ease him into this… so far, it's not going great. "Okay… what is it?"

I bite my lip, "I wasn't at Harrods with Ryan today." Dr. Wyatt said I should ease him into this before I drop the bomb. Maybe I should clear my lie out first.

"I know." he says slowly.

I feel a shiver going down my spine, "You do?"

"Yes. Because you hate shopping. You'd never go to Harrods with Ryan. Where were you?" he asks, walking over to me.

"At Dr. Wyatt's practice." I say in a breath as he stops across me. Suddenly, I feel his dominance hemming me in. I can't talk to him when he's so close to me. I take a step back, standing in the bedroom now while he's still in the walk-in closet. That's better.

"At Dr. Wyatt's?" he asks me surprised. He didn't expect that. I watch his body relaxing a bit. Did he think I was betraying him?

"Yes. Did you think I was betraying you?" I ask him shocked.

There's anger flashing up in his eyes as he feels too, that we're going a step back in our development. "No. I thought you went to Unfaithful records. To check on everything."

"Oh." I breathe out, surprised. Of course, I could have thought of that as well. Damn it, now I've made it worse.

"Why were you at Dr. Wyatt's?" his voice is soft as he notices the distance I created between us.

"Because I had an appointment."

"An appointment… without me?"

"Yes."

He is silent and I see his eyes looking in the distance. His brain is processing the information and making a thousand possibilities of why I went to her. Yet none of them are as bad as the truth. "How many have you had?"

"This was my second one." His eyes find mine again, he's catechizing me.

"Why did you lie to me about it?" he asks slowly, taking a step towards my direction. "Visiting Dr. Wyatt is nothing you should be ashamed about."

"I know." I bite my lip and cross my arms in front of me, trying to build a protection shield. "But I don't think you're able to understand."

"What wouldn't I understand?"

"The reason for the appointment." God, this is so hard.

"What's the reason?" he asks me and out of the sudden I feel my body stiffen as well.

"Because…" I look down to my feet. I can't tell him and look him in the eyes. It's humiliating.

"Because of what?" he asks me, his fingertips lifting my chin. "Tell me."

I gulp, feeling tears building my eyes. "Because I don't love our daughter." I breathe out in a whisper. There, I've said it. It feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my chest and at the same time I can feel my heart shattering. There was no easy way to say this, but I didn't think I'd be so shattered afterwards.

"What?" he asks in disbelief. I can see hurt and confusion in his eyes. He doesn't understand. I knew he wouldn't understand. There is shock in his eyes. And fear. A lot of fear.

Shit. Dr. Wyatt said I should ease him into this. Not let the bomb explode without no warning. "I think I am suffering from postnatal depression." I say slowly. I think this is better, softer…

He takes a step back, "Depression?" his voice is a whisper. I can see his mind wandering back to his mother and I see the matching fear in his eyes. He's afraid I'll turn into Diana. He's afraid I'll be a threat to our daughter. He's afraid I'll hurt her. I can see his mind overflowing with thoughts. Please don't go there… don't get caught up in my dark clouds that are hanging above me.

"No, it's not the kind of depression Diana's dealing with." I say quickly, trying to calm him down. I'm turning into Victoria, not Diana. Yet, I don't know what's worse. A mother who tries to kill her child or a mother who doesn't love her child.

"Gabriella, how can you… how could this happen?" he asks, brushing through his hair. He seems helpless. Frustrated. Afraid of the future. The bright future which I destroyed. Again.

I shake my head, "I don't know. First Dr. Wyatt said it could be baby blues…"

"Maybe it is." There's hope in his voice and I hate to demolish it.

I look into his eyes, "When I look at our daughter I feel nothing. I feel no gratitude, no joy, no love. There's nothing inside of me happening. I change her diapers, I breastfeed her, but I feel nothing. No love."

I feel the word antidepressant lingering in the air, echoing in my head as silence embraces us again. "How long have you been feeling this way?" It's a question he forces himself to ask me. It's a question he doesn't really want an answer to. Yet, he has no other choice.

"Since the day she was born." I say in a breath, again feeling weight falling off of my chest.

He nods, before brushing through my hair again. "And why didn't you tell me earlier?"

I feel tears building in my eyes again, "Because you are head over heels in love with her. You're doing such an amazing job with her… You know what she wants and when she wants it… You look at her and I can feel your love for her… I didn't… I didn't want you to worry about it before… before I didn't know what it was that caused this. I didn't want to destroy your happiness."

He tilts his head to the side, his orbs focusing mine. "When will you understand that my happiness depends on yours?" he asks me and I don't think he wants an answer to that. "You should have told me earlier. We could have figured it out together. We're a family. We're all in this together. Your shit is mine, remember?"

I smile and nod, "Yes…" It's a promise we gave each other over a year ago, yet I still seem to struggle with keeping it.

"What's next?" he asks, licking his lips.

I shrug, "I don't know. I have another appointment with Dr. Wyatt in two days."

"Good. We'll go together. All three of us. As a family." he says into my eyes. "We'll get through this together. You have me by your side until my last breath."

He is a miracle. I shatter his world and he already has a plan to built it up again. Nothing can destroy his love for me. Not even my depression. "You are the best husband and father in the world, Troy Bolton." I say, fondling his cheek.

He grabs my hand and kisses my knuckles, "I won't let this depression destroy what I love the most."

I nod, seeing light at the end of the tunnel. "Me neither."

The first chapter of Waves of Emotions! Please review. I hope you like it as much as I enjoyed writing it.