Isn't it strange, this thing called love? How we spend all our days in the search of it only to throw it away once we have it in our grasp. Such a powerful emotion it is, that skips beats of hearts and arranges the very structure of our bones; that causes a stirring in the very bottom of our souls and makes us feel…alive!
And yet, how do you know it is love when one has never felt it before? How do we know our hearts desire if we never sit down and listen to it for a moment amongst the hustle and bustle of our lives? How do we know that the fluttering of our hearts was due to the real thing, or due to our imaginations running riot in our heads?
Just the other day you looked me in the eye and I felt such a rush of emotion; you said my name and I could feel the blood rising to my cheeks; your hand brushed mine as we were walking and my fingers urged to grab it and intertwine themselves in your own. Then I took a step back.
I took a step back and pondered on my new feelings and dreams. Ponder on this new emotion. And what strong emotion it is to make me want to do anything for you, that makes me say the silliest of things just to hear your laugh, see your most loveliest of smiles. See the look of joy in your eyes and behind that joy the love you have for me.
But alas, it's not the same love which I feel for you; never will it be. Never will your heart skip a beat at the mention of my name. Never will you feel this change in energy I feel whenever you walk into the room.
Strangely though, I never wish for you to feel these feelings towards me. The thought of you loving me in the same way repulses me to my very core. Why should someone as amazing, as breath taking as you settle for someone, someone as selfish, inconsiderate and utterly monstrous as me? You deserve someone who will give you everything you desire, everything I can't give.
All I can do is love you. I would give you everything I could, make you as happy as I possibly can but that is the extent of my powers. I would never be able to truly love you the way I want to; the way I long to. That is why I write this poem to you. To let you know what I've been dying to tell you but to also say that I know in my heart that it will never work.
A few weeks ago, I was going to take my leave from our friendship for a while as to clear my head. Yes, I thought it best to steer clear of my recent obsession, my reason for life and stop what I had been doing to myself; neglecting my conscience awareness for my hearts desires. Also, it would be easier to find out by myself if these desires where true and not just a figment of my romantic imagination.
But the more I prepared myself, the more I began to realize; I could ignore you, pretend you meant nothing more to me than a good conversation or two, pretend what you said to anyone around you was of no interest to me. I could but all it would be was pretence; an outward showing of untrue feelings, and not reality.
In reality I would still be clinging onto every word you said, listening to every breath you took, praying for your beautiful eyes to look into mine and see the bottom most depths of my soul. It would never work. I will just have to find a new way.
So this is it, my time to let go. To quit wondering about what could/might/should have been and just say sorry; sorry for loving you.
Je t'aime mon amie.
I will always and forever be yours.
Natsuki handed the evidence bag containing the letter back to the inspector. "You're quite sure that this is all she left? No... clothes or... personal items? Not a clue as to where she could have gone?"
Captain Hallard gave Natsuki a sympathetic look before replying, "Nothing. The whole apartment was empty, except for the furniture which belonged to the owner she was renting the place from and each piece was immaculate. Forensics had a hard time finding trace and fingerprint evidence." Chie leaned forward on her chair, placing her elbows on the desk and clasping her hands together. The questions she was about to ask were of a sensitive nature. "Dr. Kruger, do you know who Shizuru is talking to in this letter?"
"I..." Sighing, Natsuki decided that feigning ignorance would probably not help the police find her friend, "It's me. In the letter, she's talking to me."
"So, may I be deductive and guess that her thinking she was, what was it... '...utterly monstrous' is due to her sexual preference?"
"Yeah. Coming from Kyoto, her parents were very strict and...traditional. Her grandparents were even more so. Add in the fact that Japan is not exactly the best place for a gay person to live..." a look passed over Natsuki's face, making her pause.
Now I know why I've got the case. "Yes. As progressive as our country is in technology, some of us are taking time coming to terms with "Western tolerance" as Chief Superintendent Armitage would say. For how long did you know that Miss Fujino was gay?"
"She came out to me a few months after we first met, which was about five years ago. We bumped into each other on the campus of Kyoto U and became fast friends."
Flashback:
Natsuki was already running late for her morning lecture. The fact the she remembered money for her morning coffee but not a pen to take notes with was not lost on her but there was nothing she could do now except run like hell and hope that Mai happened to have a spare on her. Half way to her destination, her phone started to ring. Not stopping her pace, she began to rummage through her bag, paying no mind to where she was walking.
Shizuru was walking round the campus early that morning with no real destination in mind. Her roommate had decided to come back from partying not three hours ago in a loud, drunken state, but even before that, Shizuru could not sleep. Something other than her BA in law was bothering her. Actually it had been bothering her since she was 13 and now that she was in University, the place where you could re-invent yourself, start anew; her soul wanted to create some peace in the chaos that was her mind. With this big, life changing decision going through her mind and the drowsiness only insomnia can bring (or leave) Shizuru did not notice the blur that was Natsuki until she felt her gravity shift and a sudden pain in her bottomus maximus. Already feeling cranky from her emotional rollercoaster and lack of sleep, she was about ready to bite whom evers head off until her eyes came into contact with the most vivid colour green she had ever seen.
"Oh, jeez! Sorry about that." Natsuki offered the stranger her hand and hoped that this wouldn't take too long. "I'm late for a lecture you see and..." Her phone went off again. As soon as she was sure the other girl was right side up, with a growl she found her damned mobile and answered it, "What! Oh hey Mai... Uh huh... So the prick didn't show... Yes I know I shouldn't call my Chem professor a prick but to be quite honest, this is the third time he hasn't shown for a morning lecture. I could be asleep right now! Yes... Yes, ok. I'll see you at 12. Bye"
All through the phone call, all Shizuru could do was stare at the girl before her. Well, I asked for a sign if I was gay... Looks like I've found it. Oh God! I'm gay! A look of shock passed through her burgundy eyes. Thankfully the girl whose legs she had been admiring didn't notice the change of emotion as it passed as quickly as it arrived. A mask on indifference quickly slammed down, like the iron gate to a castle. After the call, Miss Green Eyes focussed her attention back on Shizuru.
"As I was saying, I was late for a lecture. Are you alright?" Natsuki asked, concerned by the lack of response.
Noticing this was where human politeness dictates she reply, Shizuru tried to come up with a reply, "I...erm, yeah. I'm fine" Finally noticing the coffee stain on Natsuki's shirt, "but I don't think you are. Let me buy you a coffee."
"Huh?" Her sudden impact with someone and the annoyance only a cancelled early morning lecture can bring, totally made Natsuki forget about her lack of Mocha and not notice the wetness of her chest area.
"Your coffee. When we bumped, it spilled over you... Can I buy you a new one seeing as it's partly my fault?" It's a polite thing to do, I am not asking her out!
"Oh! Yeah, I guess. Seeing as I don't have a lecture now I guess I have time to grab a coffee. But only if I can get you one too... To apologise for bumping into you." Why am I being kind to a stranger?
"okay... On one condition"
"What's that?" Why isn't this pissing me off?
"I'll tell you my name, if you tell me yours..."
"Kruger. Natsuki Kruger. 2nd year Forensic Scientist."
"Shizuru Fujino. 3rd year Law."
End of Flashback.
"Did you by any chance ever become something more?"
"No!" Turning red from the suddenness of the answer, Natsuki quickly tried to cover her outburst, "No. She confessed her feelings for me by accident... a drunken accident. The morning after, we both decided to ignore what happened" Realising what her words could be misconstrued as, "Nothing much happened that night, just a confession and a kiss. That was nearly three years ago."
Flashback:
It was August 15th. To celebrate Natsuki's 21st birthday, Mai decided to organise a club party which led to many a shot being knocked back and a beer chugged. Needless to say, as Natsuki and Shizuru staggered back to their flat, they were both smashed. Struggling to fit her key into the lock, Natsuki finally opened the door and dragged her friends dead weight onto the sofa before closing and locking the door. Shizuru gave a drunken giggle, "Natsuuuukki!" She slurred, "Have I ever told you how pretty you are?"
Sitting beside her on the coach, Natsuki replied, "Once or twice..."
"No! I mean really pretty, like gorgeous pretty..."
"Hehe no, but I'm not gorgeous"
"Yesh you are! All you have to do is smile at me and I get wet..."
Shizuru may have been too drunk to notice what she just said but Natsuki heard it loud and clear
"... I mean that specific lopsided smile with the twinkly emeralds. That makes me want to rip my clothes of you and just eat -"
"Ya know what!" Natsuki suddenly interrupted, knowing her friends preference for women and how that sentence would end. "I'm going to drink some water. What's the rhyme again? Drink some water, no hangover in the morning? Something along those lines." She hurriedly escaped to the kitchen. She wasn't a fool. She had seen how Shizuru would look at her sometimes. Now was not the right time though. Unfortunately, Shizuru's alcohol ridden brain was not on the same wavelength.
"But Natsuuuki! You didn't left me explain how I want to ravish you!"
"Why don't you save it for the morning Shiz?" Turning around to face her friend, she found her closer than she expected. A little too close, and coming even closer. So close she could make out the brown flecks in Shizuru's clear, red eyes; the drunken flushness of Shizuru's clear skin; smell the alcohol on her breath. Before she could register what was happening, Shizuru's eyes closed and she felt her friends full lips upon her own. Her own slowed brain only registered the kiss and not who is was from, so Natsuki's immediate response was to close her eyes, and begin to move her lips slowly against Shizuru's... Wait! These are Shizuru's lips! The sudden realisation sent her jumping back from Shizuru and into the kitchen counter, but it wasn't the back pain that sobered her, it was the pain in her friends eyes as Shizuru accepted the negative response as a firm "No".
In the morning, Shizuru acted like nothing had happened.
Natsuki felt like a coward for letting her friend down.
Both of them knew that the damage had been done.
End of flashback.
"Did she ever have trouble from her colleges or friends because of her sexuality?" Maybe she felt claustrophobic in Japan? Stuck in a job with homophobic peers and always in contact with her unrequited love, maybe she just wanted out and in the happy scenario, moved country. In which case, my life's going to get a tad complicated. I should probably phone the wife. Aoi. I'm sorry Baby, looks like another intense case.
"No. She didn't really disclose her sexuality to anyone but our closest friends."
Hmm... ok, so that means she must have moved simply because of her unrequited love for her best friend. This means she may still be in the country. "How about from another angle? Did she ever go out with anyone or give anyone a reason to hate her?"
"She used to go out with a Tomoe Marguerite. But then Tomoe became a bit possessive and Shiz broke it off. Are you suggesting someone made her write this or forced her to leave?" Different scenarios were racing through the forensic scientists mind.
"I am merely trying to rule out kidnap or – "
"Suicide... You think this might be a suicide note don't you?"
Well that makes how I'm going to broach the subject a little easier. "I'm sorry to say this Dr. Krueger, but yes, I have my suspicions. After a while in this job, you begin to see similar patterns in different cases and I've had quite a few cases on suicides involving gay, bisexual, transgender and cross dressing individuals. In fact, now I'm the one who these cases get sent to. The thing about this case though is the fact that even though the victim is saying goodbye to you, she hasn't mentioned anyone else. Also, the fact that her flat here in Osaka is as clean as a hospital ward is very suspect."
"I know I'm part of the Tokyo branch and that I'm personally involved, but is there any way I can help in this case?"
Chie sighed, "I know how you feel Doctor. If something were to happen to one of my friends, I would try and do anything to help uncover what happened, but your emotions make you too biased." She looked up at the woman on the other side of her desk, on the other hand, Dr. Natsuki Kruger has been known to see things others would not. "I'll see what I can do."
A/N: Thanks for giving my story a go and I hope it continues to keep you interested. :) Now, make like a reader and review... Please ;)