Disclaimer
: (In the voice of the movie phone guy) Dark messanger666 does not own ANY of the items mentioned below. He might own Baron, but he was REALLY loaded and stoned that night. So don't take thing so seriously in this script.Silent Pill… I mean HILL!
There was something about that town. Something so vague that I could never put my finger on it. Maybe it was town I grow up in, or maybe it was the #1 vacation resort with constant party's and fairs. And a brand, spanking NEW rollercoaster at the Amusment Park that takes you up over 20 story's to bring you screeming down to the ground at speeds up to…!
Oh, I lost my train of thought there…
Well in any case, here's my story's of Silent Pill… I Mean Hill! (Danmit)
Ch. 1
(Scene with a Chipmunk peacefully eating a nut on the street, then a car runs it over)
Baron:
(Mumbling to self) He he, dumb ass chipmunk…Baron's driving his car along a long narrow road heading to Silent Hill, a resort for really youth kids and old people (Of course Baron doesn't know that, yet) DUN DUN DUUUN… He was going there because he got a letter with the envelope saying "Perry", his late wife. When he opened it revealed, an advertisement for Silent Hill's amusement park! He's been really excited to get there.
Baron: (Excited) DUDE. I'm gunna do the Amusement Park and ride the roller coaster until I barf! This is soooooo kick ass!
Just then a figure of a young girl appeared in front of his car.
Baron
: NOOOO!!!Baron swerves his car but hit her anyway sending her flying into the air.
Girl
: I'LL GET YOU MY PRETTY, AND YOUR LITTLE DOG, TOO! HAHAHAHA-Girl gets sucked into a plane propeller and turns into dust.
Baron
: PHEW! I thought I was going to hit her for a second.Baron regains control of the car hitting 3 other people in the process. But fails and drives off the cliff.
Baron:
Oh shi-!CRASH
Baron wakes up in his car in the middle of the woods. Not seeing that he landed in an area that had no cliff in site to fall off of. But Baron either didn't know or care about that.
Baron
: Ouuuu… my head!Baron stumbles out of the car, only to bump into another one.
Baron
: o_o What the hell…Baron looks around seeing hundreds of cars and people. Some people were acting and some with cameras. Then he saw on a man stage with a Megaphone.
Guy on Megaphone
: If you're filming a 'Silent Hill' parody please get in line and wait for a space to open! We do not want another fight to break out!Baron
:…? Ok… I'm just going to leave now…Baron tries to sneak past everyone, until Cameron Diaz walks up to him.
Cameron Diaz
: I'm here for you James. (Touches Barons face) See I'm real…Baron
: 0_o (ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod, Cameron Diaz is touching me! Maybe she likes my! Maybe she's going ask me out! Maybe we're going to marry! Or maybe she-)Stop!
Baron
: OkCameron Diaz
: Oh Shit! SORRY! I thought you were Matt Damon! I was just practicing my lines. It didn't mean anything…Baron
: (Damn)Cameron Diaz
: You know, you do look like him, but you're a little fatter.Cameron Diaz walks away.
Baron
: BitchBaron makes his way past the crowds stumbling over many cords, people, cameramen, and trees. You see, the thing about Baron is he's not the brightest bulb on the chandeler (Sp?).
Baron
: Fuck you shit-for-brains!Ass hole
Baron
: NitwitStupid
Baron
: Am not!Am too!
Baron
: Am not!Am too!
Baron
: Am not!GETTING ON, Baron makes his way to a path that lead to Silent Hill.
Baron
: How convinent.Baron walks down the path meeting up with many other famous people telling him that he looks like Matt Damon but fatter.
Baron
: I hate you all…Baron eventually gets to a sign that says, "Welcome to Silent Hill" in cursive.
Baron
: How nice.Just below the letters is "Hells Gate" written in blood.
Baron
: That's not right…Behind the sign is an advertisement for McDonalds.
Baron
: =D KoOl! McDonalds!Told ya, dumb as shit. Baron skips down the street unaware of the danger he's in.
Baron
: What Danger?You'll see, you'll SOOO see…
Baron
: OK, (Still skipping) Lalalalalalalala!Baron sees a shadow of Cameron Diaz in the distance on a corner.
Baron
: lalalalala- Hey! I have a score to settle with you, Bitch!The shadow runs off.
Baron
: Hey, HEY! I'm not going to hurt you, (muttering) much…Shadow (CD)
: I heard that!Baron
: No you didn't!Shadow (CD
): Yes I did!Baron
: No you didn't!Shadow (CD
): Yes I did!Baron
: No you didn't!STOP IT! Both of you!
Shadow + Baron
: Aaaw… Shucks!Baron continues to chase the shadow down the street, but he's so flagrantly getting his ass kick. Like that commercial with that murderer and that athlete. He's not just slow in the head…
Baron
: *pant * Damn Cameron Diaz's long sexy legs! *pant *Baron crouches down to rest but caches a glimpse of Cameron Diaz opening a gate to an alley and running in. He stumbles up and runs into the alley, only to only trip over a mass of intestines and blood.
Baron
: AGH! *Thump * Damn blood and it's slipperiness!Baron gets up, wipes himself off and continues to chase after Cameron. But, it suddenly gets dark so Baron can't see. He takes out a flashlight that suddenly appears in his pocket and turns it on.
Baron
: HA! Beat that writer guy!The flashlight suddenly for no reason at all disappears, causing Baron to trip over some more blood. (Hehehe)
Baron
: I hate you…The flashlight suddenly appears yet again so Baron can now see.
Baron
: Damn straight BiOtch!Baron chuckles a little then turns to continue to walk, but bumps into a pole that *mysteriously * appears…
Baron
: X_o Ouchies!Now only seeing out of one eye, he makes out an image of a figure turning the next corner, he assumes that it's Cameron. He fallows the figure only to find a bloody mess! A body has it's skin torn off and is now strung up by barbwire. There's still blood oozing out of every orifice and drips to the ground.
Baron
: EEWWWW!!! Mutilated corpse is SOO 1996!He hears something behind him, a scraping sound. Baron quickly spins around revealing, 3 child demons! Baron screams in a high pitch girl scream. He turns quickly to run away, but trips over a pole. Witch he conveniently land straight on some barbwire, cutting his hands and arms. When he gets up, he stubs his toe on the fence pole.
Baron
: (Holding his leg up) AAHHH!! My fucking LEG!He hops backwards only to trip on the pole he stubbed his toe on before and fell down hitting his head knocking him unconsence.
Demon child #1
: Dude! We were hired to kill THIS guy. He's such a spaz!Demon child #2
: Yeah, well, it's a job.Demon child #3
: BBBRRAAAIINNNSSSS!!!Baron wakes up in a café, freaking out he thrashes his head up quickly, but hits his head on the light above him, knocking him out again.
17 minutes later
Baron
: (Unconcines) But mommy, I want the purple balloons! I don't want the yello-Wakes up
Baron
: 0_o Was I talking in my sleep?Mysterious Voice
: It's a common side affect of stupidity…Baron
: Oh… I'm sorr- Wait, who are you? What am I doing in this café? And who's that guy eating pizza?Eddie
: Yo!A woman steps out of the shadow, revealing-
Baron
: Helen Hunt!Helen Hunt
: Hey! What's your name?Baron
: Baron, Baron DansellHelen Hunt
: What kind of shit name is that?Baron
: I don't know. I just got it.IT'S A DAMN GOOD NAME! JUST STICK WITH THE FUCKING SCRIPT!
Baron
: OK, what's going on with this town?Helen Hunt
: If I knew I'd tell you.Baron
: Damn…Baron
: How did I get here anyway? I'm pretty sure I was in an alley way last time I checked.Helen
: What are you talking about? You were here when I ran in here to avoid Ben Affleck. You were all pasted out on the seat, I thought you were drunk at first…Baron
: Yeah, well, there's no time for asking questions now…Helen
: Actually, they're is-Baron
: NO, there's NOT!Accuard silence.
20 minutes later
Baron
: You know what, I have to go and find out what's wrong with this town. See ya later.Helen
: Wait, first, let me give you this, for protection. This town really messed up…Baron
: Like the movie 'Requiem for a Dream"Helen
: Worse…Baron
: Oh Dear GOD!Helen pulls out a purse and searches through it for a handgun. Pushing past the Uzi, Rocket Launcher, Mine thrower, Grenades, Flame-thrower, Assault Rifle, Magnum, and a couple of grenade launchers, she finally finds the handgun. She pulls it out and hands it to Baron.
Helen
: Do you know how to use a gun, Baron?Baron
: Yeah, I used to go the shooting range all-Helen
: Since you don't, I'll explain to you.Baron
: But I said I di-Helen
: Know whom your shooting at. Don't just pull the trigger Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah…Baron was to busy staring at Helen's tits to actually listen.
Unknown amount of time later…
Helen
: You got that Baron?Baron
: (Wiping drool off face) Yeah, All of it.Helen
: OK, I got to go because this town is full of monsters and it seems like the action hero thingy to do. Tootles!Baron
: Rock On!Helen walks out of the café. Baron is left alone, with Eddie (THE HORROR!). Baron walks around the room picking up 5 health drinks, 2 knifes, 3 ammo clips, 1 AM radio, 1 FM radio, 2 First Aid kits, a chainsaw, a PS2, Grand Theft Auto 3, Silent Hill 2, Fatal Frame, a slice of Eddies pizza, and a couple of Dildos.
Baron
: WHAT?!Don't ask… Anyway, as he was just about to leave, the radio on the table started to crackle.
Baron
: Huh? Radio? What's wrong with that radio?Baron slowly walked over to the radio on the other side of the room. About a few minutes later, he finally gets there. He picks up the radio and starts to shake it.
Baron
: Piece of shit…All of a sudden, something pops out of the window, some so horrifying, something SO gruesome and disturbing, that Baron couldn't even look at it directly. It was, it was, IT WAS………………………… HANSON!!
Hanson
: COMMON EVERYBODY! MMM BOP, DAP BA, DO BOP!!Eddie
: Fuck this shit!Eddie runs out of the café.
Baron
: AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!Baron starts to shoot at random at Hanson. Not knowing if he'd hit them or not.
End of Ch. 1
Will Baron actually hit Hanson (Unlike Harry)? Will he find out what went wrong with this town? Will he ever find Helen and stare at her tits again? Find out next time on SILENT PILL, I mean HILL! (Shit! I'm going to loose my job…)