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BROKEN (pt. 1)
Title: Broken (Part 1 -- Michael)
Author: Sarah (sarahgosling@cogeco.ca)
Version: US
Pairing: Brian/Justin (feat. Michael as well)
Rating: PG-13
Category: Drama, Episode-Related, Angst, H/C, POV
Archive: Yes to ATP, and anywhere else (provided you ask!)
Summary: Takes place immediately after episode 22. First part is Michael's POV, second part is Brian's POV, third part is Justin's POV.
Status: New
Author's Notes: I know this is unoriginal as everyone is wanting to do a post-finale fic. I though I'd write one anyway though. This was originally just going to be Mikey's thoughts as he takes care of Brian after Justin's attack. However I couldn't seem to do it without exploring some of Brian's and Justin's thoughts as well which will be contained in parts 2 and 3).
Warnings: I'd rate it, pretty much the same as the show.
Spoilers: Ep 22 mostly, and a little bit for eps 1 and 2
Michael:
I walk down the dim ICU hallway, I see him sitting there, looking disheveled and broken. I sit next to him and put my hand on the back of his neck. I don't know if he consciously realizes that I'm here, so I don't say anything, just offer him the silent comfort of my presence as the tears slowly slide down his cheeks, some pooling around his lips, that are reddened with Justin's blood.
My heart breaks for him. But at the same time, it breaks for me. I know at that moment, looking into Brian's tearstained face, that I will never have him. Brian's seemingly unattainable heart looks as though it will forever belong to the boy in the room behind us, who is hooked up to electrodes and tubes, not moving. Justin Taylor has taken what I had always believed would someday be mine, if I only tried hard enough.
Watching him cry, I feel my eyes fill with tears which spill over soon enough. I hate myself for crying more out of self pity then for Justin, and for my poor best friend who is sitting next to me, silently contemplating the possibility of losing the only person he was ever able to love.
"Brian?" I say, softly, tentatively, not wanting to disturb his grief but not being able to take the silence anymore.
"Oh Mikey" Brian whispers, as he finally turns to me and lets me take him into my arms and offer him the comfort he needs. I rub his back and tell him that everything is fine. He'll be fine. Justin will be fine. I don't know if these statements are truthful, nor if they make him feel any better, but I feel like I need to say them. He allows himself to cry on my shoulder for only a minute or two. Then he gets up abruptly, ineffectively wiping his eyes with the backs of his hands, as every other spot on his hands seems to be covered in blood. He begins to pace in front of me, walking briskly and aimlessly. He looks as though he wants to say something, but no words come out. He just keeps looking around frantically, angrily. I'm getting a little scared. I've never seen him look thisdestroyed.
"I called my mom for you." I tell him, "She got a hold of Jennifer and they're on their way."
He nods, running his hands through his sweaty hair. He finally stops pacing and crouches against the opposite wall. His hands are shaking. He notices this and puts them under his arms.
I don't know what to say to him. I want to make him feel better, but anything I say is going to sound forced and superficial. I am spared the need to think of things to say when my mom, and Justin's mom come rushing down the hallway toward us.
"Where is he!" Justin's mother says frantically, before I can say anything a nurse is there, trying to calm her down and leading her into the room behind us.
"Honey, do you know what's happening? How he is?" My mom asks me.
"I don't know, I just got here about ten minutes ago. Brian hasn't told me anything yet, except for what he said to me on the phone. Take my phone and call Ted and Emmett." I tell her, handing her my cell phone.
Brian is still sitting with his back against the wall, looking down at his hands, which are covered with blood.
"Oh, Brian" My mom starts to go over to him, but he stands up and begins to walk away from her.
"Brian, where are you going?" I call after him. He just waves a hand at me and disappears around the corner.
"Mom, I'm gonna" I start.
"Go, Michael, don't leave him alone." Mom says, she turns the cell phone on and starts to dial as I rush down the hall to find Brian. I catch up with him just as he enters one of the bathrooms. He closes the door in my face and locks it.
"Brian! Open the door!" I yell as I pound on the heavy door.
I hear sounds of retching from behind the door, followed by several choked sobs, then more retching.
"Brian I'm coming in!" I fumble in my pocket for a pen and push the tip into the tiny hole in the doorknob until I hear it click, I open the door and rush to Brian's side. He's slumped in the corner of the washroom, breathing heavily, eyes closed.
"Brian, are you OK?" I help him to his feet and flush the toilet. I lead him over to the sink where I wet a paper towel and wipe his face for him.
"Here, wash your hands." I put his hands under the water and squeeze some liquid soap on them. The soapy water turns immediately red as the blood washes from his fingers. For a minute he looks as though he's going to vomit again, but as the water turns clearer, he lets out a deep shuddering sigh.
"Alright?" I ask him. He nods almost imperceptibly and takes the wad of paper towel from my outstretched hands. "Come on." I put my hand on the small of his back and lead him out of the tiny room.
We meet up with my mother again outside of Justin's room.
"They won't let me go in." mom says, annoyed, "They say only family until he's more stable, I really don't see how family or friend makes a difference but"
"Mom, it's just hospital policy." I say, pulling her into a hug, "You'll be able to see him soon."
"I know honey," she says, voice muffled, thick with tears, "I'm just so worried about my poor little sunshine."
"I know, mom." I step out of her embrace. Brian has returned to sitting in one of the hard chairs, expressionless. I offer the seat to my mother but she doesn't want it so I sit next to Brian again.
"Brian, say something." I plead, "You haven't said a word since I got here."
"Nothing to say." He says softly. "Nothing I say is going to change what happened so why say anything."
"Well I just meant" I stammer.
"What do you want me to say, Michael?" Brian snaps, glaring at me.
I don't answer him. He's in far to volatile of a state right now to be disputed.
He looks away and continues to stare blankly into space.
"Brian! Michael!" I hear Emmett call from the end of the hallway, Ted in tow. They walk briskly toward us. "What happened? Where is he?"
I get up and hug Emmett, because he looks as though he's about to implode. "He got attacked after the prom. Hit in the head with a baseball bat by some homophobic little prick."
"Oh my God." Emmett says, a hand flying up to cover his mouth as his eyes glisten with tears. "Is he going to be OK?"
"I don't know, we're waiting for the damn doctor to come out and tell us something, but she's still in there with Justin's mom."
"Do you know anything, Brian?" Ted asks.
"Don't bother asking him, he's not talking." Mom chimes in.
"Mom!" I say, harshly.
"Well he isn't."
"Brian, honey, are you OK?" Emmett sits next to Brian and puts an arm around his shoulder. Brian doesn't even flinch. "Well if you want to talk to us, you can, you know that, right?" Brian nods his head once. Emmett takes his arm from around Brian's shoulder, looking defeated. "Alright then."
The doctor finally exits Justin's room, closing the door behind her. We greet her with a chorus of "How is he?" "Will he be OK?" "What's going on?" She ignores our zealousness and informs us that Justin has a skull fracture, but he's been stabilized and the bleeding has stopped. They won't know the extent of his injuries until he wakes up.
"When's that going to be?" mom asks.
"We don't know that." The doctor says, "Could be any time, but he's heavily medicated right now so I would hazard a guess to say probably within the next day or so."
"Is hewill he be" Emmett struggles to speak, "Will he be the same when he wakes up? Is there anyyou knowbrain damage." He chokes back tears.
"We won't know that until he wakes up." The doctor says, "But he's stable now, his heart rate's good, breathing is fine. We just have to wait and see."
"Can we see him?" Brian pipes up, to everyone's surprise.
"No, only family right now." The doctor informs us, "He'll probably be moved out of intensive care by tomorrow, in which case you can see him tomorrow at 10 am."
"You mean he's in there right now, we don't even know if he's going to live, and you won't even let us go in and see him for a few minutes!" Brian snarls venomously. I grab his arm to prevent him from lunging past the doctor into Justin's room.
"Sir, as I told you, he's stable." The doctor tries to explain, as calmly as possible, "I know this is a difficult situation, but hospital policy states that only family members are to see patients in intensive care. I can all but assure you he will be moved tomorrow, and you can see him then during hospital visiting hours."
I guess I'm not holding his arm quite tight enough because he abruptly pushes past everyone and enters Justin's room. I follow him close behind. "Brian you can't go in there!"
"Fuck you, Mikey!" Brian goes to Justin's bedside, Mrs. Taylor is startled by Brian bursting into the room. But she says nothing.
"Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave." The doctor says.
"Brian" I grab both of his arms, and he violently shrugs me away.
"I'm so sorry, Justin." He says softly, voice thick with unshed tears, he strokes Justin's cheek with the back of his hand.
"Sir, you can't be in here." The doctor says, more firmly now. "If you want to be able to see him later, you have to leave now."
"Brian, come on" I coax.
"I'm leaving!" Brian pushes past me and leaves the room.
I follow him out, offering Justin's mom a sympathetic look as I exit. The doctor closes the door behind me and watches Brian walk briskly down the hall. "Would it have killed you to let him have a couple of minutes with him!" I shout angrily and go to find Brian.
"Brian!" I call down the hallway to him. "Where are you going." He stops, to my surprise and doubles back toward me.
"Home. I'm obviously not needed, or wanted here, so I'm going home. But I'm coming back tomorrow morning and I'm seeing him. I don't care what the fuck that cunt says." He says shakily as he fumbles in his pockets. "And where the fuck are my goddamn car keys!"
"I don't know." I say, dumbly.
"Shit, they're still in my jeep and it's still in the fucking parking garage." He curses.
"I'll drive you home, OK?" I offer. "Let's just go tell the others that"
"Can we just go?" Brian asks, looking at me with pleading eyes.
"Alright, I'll call them from the car." I say, "Come on."
We drive home in silence, as I had suspected we would. I want to tell him about what happened with David, but I know it will sound petty compared to what he's going through right now, so I say nothing. I borrow Brian's cell phone to call my mother as she still has my phone. I tell her that I'm taking Brian home. She says that she's staying there overnight, even though she's not allowed to see Justin. She wants to be there for Justin's mom since his dad is nowhere to be found. Like he'd even care. Emmett and Ted left, but they're coming by Brian's apartment tomorrow morning at 9:30 so we can all go see Justin together. She tells me that she'll call if there's any news about Justin's condition.
We arrive at Brian's apartment. Luckily I have a spare key to his place as his keys are apparently still in his Jeep. I'm very surprised that Brian hasn't once mentioned the safety of his Jeep. I'll call Ted and ask him if he can go pick it up.
Brian immediately locates some pills and swallows two of them down with some water. I look at him disapprovingly.
"Don't even start with me." He snaps. He walks toward the bathroom and I look at the bottle he left on the counter. Sleeping pills. Well I suppose that can't hurt.
I pick up the phone and dial Ted's cell phone number, hopefully he and Emmett are still on the road and they won't mind picking up Brian's Jeep.
"Hello?" He answers.
"Hey, Ted, it's me." I reply.
"Hey, how's Brian?" He asks.
"Heavily medicated." I say. "Listen, are you home yet?"
"No, I'm almost at Emmett's." He replies, "Why?"
"Could you and Emmett do me a huge favor?" I ask, knowing before I ask that he'll do it.
"Sure, anything." He says.
"Brian's Jeep is still in the parking garage where Justin's prom was." I say, realizing that I have no clue where that is, "He left his keys in it too, and I don't think he'd appreciate it being stolen."
"Sure we can go pick it up." Ted says. I hear him ask Emmett who agrees.
"Thanks Teddy," I say, relieved, "Let me just ask Brian where the hell the prom was." I ask, and Brian mumbles his answer. I relay the info to Ted. He says that he'll bring the Jeep over tomorrow morning before we go to the hospital.
"OK, I'll see you guys tomorrow then." I say, I look at my watch, it's nearly 4 am "Bright and early." I add.
"I'm going to call Mel and Lindsay, tell them to meet us at the hospital tomorrow." Ted tells me.
"Yeah, that's a good idea." I reply. "Tell Blake he can come too."
"Well, considering I don't know where the hell he is, I'm going to hazard a guess and say he won't be coming." Ted says, sadly.
"What happened?" I ask.
"He made his choice. And I wasn't it." Ted says.
"Geez, I'm sorry, Teddy." I say.
"Thanks." Ted says, "Look I'm going to go."
"Alright." I say, sensing he really doesn't want to talk about it now. "See you tomorrow" He hangs up without saying goodbye.
I walk toward Brian's bedroom. He's laying half on and half off his bed, still fully clothed, still with that blank look in his eyes. "You gotta get some sleep, Brian." I say, and I begin to undress him.
"Are you staying here?" He asks, softly, letting me take off his shoes and socks without protest.
"I'm not leaving you alone." I answer him. I take the bloody scarf from around his neck. I go to throw it out and he stops me.
"Don't!"
"Brian, it's ruined." I explain.
"I know, just don't." He says. I lay it on a chair. I can see him dozing as I continue to undress him. I wonder to myself how many times I've done this; looked after Brian when he was messed up. Either from drugs, alcohol, or various other reasons.
Brian's just in his boxers now. He shifts upward and lays his head on the pillow. I cover him with the sheet and set about undressing myself. I pad to the kitchen in my boxers and make sure the alarm is set. I turn the light off and head back to Brian's room. I hear him start to cry.
"It's my fault. I was all my fault!" He chokes out between sobs. I climb into bed next to him and put my arms around him from behind. He's shaking violently.
"Shhh" I soothe, "It's OK. It wasn't your fault."
"Yes it was!" He wails, "if I hadn't haveIf I'd only" he turns toward me and buries his face in my chest. I feel my heart swell with love and sorrow. I hold him closer, stroking his hair.
"You didn't know that was going to happen." I soothe, "If you did you'd have done everything in your power to try to stop it, am I right?"
He nods against my chest still unable to speak.
"So there's no possible way this could be your fault." I say, "Your being there probably saved him. That prick would have left him there to die if you hadn't have been there."
He pulls away from me a little, sniffling, eyes swollen and red. "Why is this happening?" he asks.
"Because some fucking asshole couldn't deal with the fact that a queer goes to his school and decided that"
"No," he interrupts my rant, "I mean why is this happening to me? Why does this hurt so much?"
I pause for what seems like a very long time before saying something that I know needs to be said, as much as I don't want to admit it and Brian doesn't want to hear it: "Because you love him."
"No I don't."
"Yes you do, Brian." I insist. He pulls out of my embrace and turns away. "You love him. And I know that scares the shit out of you because of all it involves. It involves giving up all this crap you built your whole life philosophy on. No boyfriends. No dating. No strings attached.' That's bullshit, Brian and you know it. I remember you saying something to me once that you were a very kind and loving person. That's true. You just don't let people see that very often because you're afraid. Afraid that someone will think less of you."
He turns to face me again. I can tell this is hitting a nerve, that he knows I'm right, so I keep going.
"But nobody's going to think less of you. It's OK to love someone. It's OK to care. And that means that you're going to hurt sometimes. Because that's the sacrifice you have to make when you get into an adult relationship. And don't even try to tell me that you don't care about Justin, or that you don't love him. Because I know for a fucking fact that Brian Kinney wouldn't be caught dead at a high school prom for anything less than love. And I certainly know that you wouldn't be laying here crying more than you have in your entire life, for some kid who's nothing but a fuck who overstayed his welcome."
We stare at each other. Brian looks at me with pleading eyes. His lip quivering, tears slowly spilling over his eyelids. I should feel good about myself that I've gotten through to Brian. Rendered him speechless. But I don't. I just feel an immense amount of pity and love.
"Come here." I say, finally, and pull him toward me again. I turn his face toward mine and kiss him quickly before allowing him to snuggle into my shoulder again. The drugs he took earlier begin to take effect and he finally falls asleep. I remain awake for awhile longer though. Thinking. Thinking about the price of love. I love Brian, and all that's ever gotten me is hurt. I love David. Hurt there too. Maybe Brian did have the right idea with all his stupid rules. But if even he can't stick to his own rules, I'd be hopeless to even try. On that thought, with Brian sleeping soundly in my arms, I drift off to sleep.
To Be Continued...
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