Nombre De Boligrapho: This was written at like.. 1 or 2 in the morning.. So, it's all random and stupid. XD But we thought it was funny.
LoathedWolfSpirit: Yeah... this isn't serious at all. Don't take it seriously.. Please. Just read and... laugh... a lot... I know we did... This is dedicated to the wonderful authors that wrote Drunk Envy and Matchmaker! You guys rock!
Pairings: EnvyEd, EdCake, (one-sided) RoseDante, LustRoy, Al?.
Disclaimer: We do not own Scooby Doo nor Full Metal Alchemist and after reading this, some of you will me thankful XD
Warnings: Fucked up pairing (you'll see), yoai, shojo ai, dominatrix Lust, Armstrong (He needs a warning all his own...), disturbing content, language, lots of caps lock and full out boredom-educed-nonsense. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
-- Cake Plus Wine Equals FUN!---
It was a dark stormy day in Central and a small puppy was sitting in the middle of the road. Why is was there? Not even it knows.
A 7 feet tall silver tin can noticed this puppy. Now, normally like any smart puppy, it would've run. But it was stupid. So Al stuffed it in his armor and ran into the distance.
The puppy yelped as it was being moved around. Al reached his destination where Ed waited.
Ed tapped his foot noisily in the rain, listening to 'I'm a Raver'
"Brother what are we waiting for?" Al asked as the puppy started to whimper in his armor. When Al did nothing to open it, it stopped and noticed it wasn't alone in there. "Shh..." A dark cat hissed, placing it's paw in front of its mouth. (where the hell did that come from..?)
"Silence, you can of sardines!" Ed yelled stabbing Al with.. His finger. (Ow) When he heard the whimper, he figured Ed had just stolen another little girl from Central. Shrugging, he motioned for Al to come along to H.Q. to bother umm.. Roy. Yeah, Roy.
"C'mon! We're late!" Ed hurried as they reached Roy's office. Ed barged through the Colonel's doors. This surprised the man, who was taking a nap, using his paperwork as a pillow.
"What is is, FullMetal?" He asked. "YOU CALLED ME HERE YOU MORON!" Ed shrieked.
"I did?" Roy asked, removing drool from his mouth with an important document reading 'END CHILD HUNGER IN ISHBAL'.
"So, Fullmetal, do you know James Bond?" When Ed just stared at him, Roy coughed.
"Umm.. -Insert plot here-" Ed stared even more.
"The homunculus.. Blah blah lbha... blha.." Ed nodded.
"I understand! They're building a trap for me and Al, right!" Roy stared this time.
"No, they wanted to have tea." Ed and Al sighed in relief. "OF COURSE!" Roy's face turned serious.
"No, I mean it. They want to kill you. Now go clean up my trash." They walked the office, looking confused.
"I wonder what's up his ass today.." Ed kicked nothing in particular and tripped.
Al laughed at him. "Why are you laughing! You're my brotheer!" Ed cried.
"But it was funny!" Hearing the commotion the cat inside Al tilted its head to the side and rested it's ear against the metal.
"WOOF!" The puppy barked, noticing finally that is was a cat. The cat jumped and clung to Al's helmet. Ed backed up in fear.
"GOD NO, AL'S HAD A BABY! IT'S UGLY.. Like.. WINRY! WHY GOD, WHY!" He screamed, running in circles. Al grabbed the cat quickly, shoving it back in his armor. Ed stopped, noticing the cat was gone.
"Huh." He said, then remembered...
"I LEFT THE OVEN ON! Oh.. AND YOU CAN'T KEEP A CAT, AL!" Al stepped back, making a sobbing noise.
"But, but-" Ed waved his hands in the air. "NO BUTS!" He yelled. "It's a cat." Ed slapped his forehead. "Get rid of it."
"Brother! You're heartless! Where has your compassion gone!" Al cried out, sobbing as much as a suit of armor can.
"Your damn cats ate it! Now get rid of that thing!" Al sobbed louder.
"Oh I'll do it myself!" Ed opened Al's compartment only to find a puppy and a bird.
"WHAT THE HELL?" He jumped backwards. "You cursed us with that hideous cat!"
"FullMetal, I gave you a job to do, why is my trash not taken out yet?" Roy walked over, his uniform pants were on backwards. Ed stared at Roy's pants, his mouth open.
"Duhh.." Was all her managed to say, when Mustang flipped his hair back.
"All the sexy guys are doing it!" Ed turned to notice Al quickly turning his loincloth backwards, then running away with his ugly animals. Roy shrugged. Ed looked back and forth between the two.
"WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!" He screeched.
"COLONEL! You have work to do." Riza said calmly, which scared Roy, because that's never a good thing when she's angry. And he could tell, because the vain in her forehead was throbbing.
"It's going to blooww! Al! wait for mee!" He followed him. Riza shot at Roy, nearly hitting him.
"YOU RUNNING AWAY HUH? JUST WAIT UNTIL I GET MY HANDS ON YOU!" She yelled, chasing after them. Ed saw that he was the only one left.
"Oh, fuck it." He followed them, only he was walking and whistling.
"Mwahahaa! ED doesn't suspect a thing!" A loud voice boomed from the ceiling. Ed stopped, staring up.
"First, we'll knock him out! Then torture him, and kill him! He'll never find out our plan!" -Insert evil laughter- Ed stared.
"Umm.. Yeah, I'd suspect it. You just told me your whole plan, basically." Pride jumped from the ceiling dressed up like a fairy princess. Ed twitched. "So much for seducing him," He sighed, walking off. Ed stared for a few seconds before running screaming. The rest of the homunculi slapped their foreheads. "Moron." Lust sighed.
"Where is Envy anyways, I have a job for him." Lust muttered.
"Here." The homunculus announced, appearing next to here the dusting himself off.
"Where WERE you? And..." Lust sniffed the air then pinched her nose.
"You smell like a wet dog!" She said disgusted.
"Dog? Where? Can I eat it?" Gluttony asked.
"NO!" Everyone present yelled automatically. "So what do you want?" Envy asked annoyed. "Huh?" Lust was busy staring at Roy as he ran by, still being chased by Riza.
Envy lightly poked Lust, who seemed infatuated by Roy's uummm.. keister. "Lust?" He asked confused.
"Oh! Oh, um yes. Um,.." Lust fixed her hair although it was already well styled.
"First, go find Fullmetal and bring him to Dante, she has business with him." She said, glaring as Riza appeared, with with a machine gun.
"WHY ME?" Envy asked. "You have a gay crush on him and we all no it, now go." Lust shooed him away, not even looking.
"No I- HOW DID YOU KNOW?" Wrath shrugged and pushed him down the railing. Envy fell and died, before coming back to life.
Envy got up, shifting his eyes around.
"Oookay then.." He leaped across a few random buildings before coming across Ed, Al, and Roy. Al and Roy were-- As it seemed, trying to get Ed to take off his pants and turn them backwards, but Envy had no idea of this new trend, staring blankly down at them. How was he supposed to get his.. -cough- I mean, the chibi if he had two loved ones! Wait-- A grin crossed his face. KILL THEM! MAGNIFICO! He jumped before Ed, flashing him a smile. Ed paled.
"AUGH! ENVY!" He yelled, pointing his fingers. Al and Roy just stared. "He's.. Evil?" Ed said simply. "Oh yeah, evil.." Roy said, slipping on his gloves.
"We're going to fight?" Ed asked. "YES." Roy said, picking up a bottle of the ground.
"FIGHT PEOPLE'S URGE TO LITTER! SAVE THE EARTH.. XENOTIME!" He then ran, flailing his arms around.
"Duh.." Ed said simply, looking back at Envy who was punching Al, trying to get to his meaty interior. Or the cat, to be simpler.
"DIE!" Envy shouted at Al. "AL! DON'T HURT MY BROTHER YOU MONSTER!" Ed leaped in front of Al and blocked Envy's path. The sin skidded to a stop and came within a fraction from hitting Ed.
"I am NOT a monster! How could you be so mean?" Envy stared to cry like a fountain.
"Wha..?" Ed blinked. Envy NEVER cries.
"I'm sorry?" He said.
"Apology accepted!" Envy was now smiling and hugged Ed tightly.
"Lemme go!" The chibi cried out.
"Uh.. What do you want Envy?" Al asked. Envy was busy nuzzling Ed and didn't hear him.
"Help meeee..." Ed whimpered.
Al backed away, clutching his cats.
"I saw nothing.." He said simply, running off. Ed moved his hand out to Al, begging for help.
"How could you, brother!" Envy sniggered, thinking of random evil things that often float through his brain. Ed shivered, pulling away. Envy stared down at him, smiling brightly
"Now, O'chibi-san you have to come with me to my home. Someone wants to see you." Envy announced, grabbing Ed's arm and pulling him away towards the exit.
"WHAT! No, no , NO, NO! Let me go! I won't be your sex slave!" Ed tried to free himself from Envy.
"Huh?" Envy blinked for several seconds.
"Ohh! That sounds fun! We should try that some time. But for now, get that tiny head of yours out of the gutter, this is strictly business we're on... I hope." Ed struggled to get out of Envy's grip, but figured he wasn't in any danger after Envy, sort of. Said he wasn't going to rape him. Once they randomly arrived at Dante's mansion (TELEPORTATION! EGAD!) He was face to face with Dante. He wrinkled his nose at her, making gagging noises. SHE WAS OLD. AND UGLY. and.. UGLY! AHHHH!
"Good you have brought him." Dante got up from her seat and grabbed Rose, and placed her in front of Ed, she looked like she hadn't slept in weeks... a zombie. Ed shuddered and hit behind Envy.
"Draw me a transmutation circle so I can take her body." Dante hicced.
"Are you drunk?" Envy asked. "Yesss -hic- got a problem with that?" Dante glared.
"Why yes! Do the transmutation circke yourself!" Envy growled.
"But I'm druuuuunnk." Dante whined.
"Hey -hic- you're my son... I DON'T TAKE ORDERS FROM YOU!" Envy flinched, looking back at Ed who was clinging to him at the moment. Well.. He had to call upon the help of his conscience! The thing he never used. Two versions of Envy popped out of nowhere and sat on his shoulders. One wore devil ears, and had a tail, the other wings and a halo.
"Envy! Don't be evil, help the Elric boy and defeat Dante!" It pleaded. His eye twitched.
"DONT LISTEN TO THAT FAG! KILL THEM ALL! ALL OF THEM! ALLLL! MWAHHAAA!" The other screamed, tossing a pitchfork into the angel version. Envy stared now, his eyebrows raised. Ed backed away.
"Oookay.." He mumbled, wide-eyed. While Envy talked to himself, and Dante drank, he slowly slipped away trying to find the exit, BUT LITTLE DID HE KNOW, WENT DEEPER INTO THE MANSION, DISCOVERING VAMPIRES! I mean uhh.. Went deeper in the mansion.. you heard nothing!
"Yes, you're right." Angel Envy smirked.
"Kill them all..." His eyes hid behind his bangs.
"He fell for it..?" Devil Envy asked confused.
"I SHALL START WITH YOU!" Angel Envy stabbed Devil Envy with his pitchfork and laughed evilly.
"Who's the fag now HUH?" Angel Envy cackled.
"I want a new conscience... es. Consciences... Yeah." The real Envy muttered before he noticed Ed.
"Edo! Don't Leeeaavvee meee!" Envy ran in the opposite direction Ed had. Three minutes later Dante hicced again.
"Hey, come, come back you two." She muttered. Rose stared blankly at her.
"Are you my boyfriend?" She asked, emotionlessly.
"EWW LORD NO!" Dante jumped on her chair, now afraid of Rose. Ed had found a large set of doors and opened them. It was dark. He saw a shadowy figure and screamed.
"VAMPIRE!" He screamed, slamming the door. The figure looked at himself.
"I'm not a vampire... I'm Ed... Hey! You forgot your reflection!"
Envy moved about the rooms, looking for Ed. Opening one door, he stared blankly.
"EXORCISM! DIE, DIE, DIE!" A preacher screamed, tossing salt at him.
"EDO!" Envy yelled, then moved to the next door. He opened it, staring blankly at a gang of teenagers.
"Like, gang, look, its the monster!" A tall shaggy haired one said.
"RIKES!" A dog yelled, jumping into the arms of the man, howling. Envy slammed the door, his eyes wide.
"A TALKING DOG! EEEK!" He screamed, running through the different rooms, then bumped into Ed eventually. "Chibi!" He yelled, then glomped Ed.
"AHHH!" Ed screamed, crawling out from under Envy. Envy pouted, looking at Edo.
"Where's the exit!" He said franticly. Envy shrugged.
"Dunno.. Never been back here before," He giggled. Ed's eye twitched, then he backed away very slowly, Envy trailing behind. Envy hugged Ed.
"GAH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" He screeched.
"Hugging you." Envy said simply.
"Oh..." For some reason that calmed Ed down.
"Envy?" He asked.
"Hmm?"
"Why do you smell like mint?" Ed asked, blushing.
"Oh that? Some damn preacher sprinkled me with salt and holy water..." Ed gasped.
"And you didn't die?" He was bewildered.
"I'm not a demon! OR a vampire... your brother is right. You are mean." Envy pouted resting his head on Edward's shoulder. They eventually reached an exit door.
"Thanks for the ride guys!" Al said happily as he waved to the people who dropped him off.
"Like, no problem, don't forget to find our dog and friend!" A red-haired girl said.
"Right, right." But Al had already forgotten and opened the door.
"OH MY GOD ED!" Al ran to Ed and picked him up to hug him.
"I missed you!" He looked down. It wasn't Ed.
"Armstrong?" Al asked, stepping back. He flexed his muscles.
"PUNY MAN.." He then coughed, losing his Arnold Schwarzenegger accent.
"I mean.. Hello.. Alphonse.. It's a .. PLEASURE.. To see you here." He winked. Al shuddered, then turned and ran.
"WAIT FOR ME, YOU STUPID HIPPIES!" But it was too late,they'd left. So he ended up going back to.. ARMSTRONG! DUN DUN DUNN.. And uh.. -insert disturbing noises here- ha ha...
"What are those noises?" Ed asked, his eyes wide, as he looked around the room. Envy lightly played with Ed's braid, shrugging.
"I don't know. Sometimes, when Roy comes over to visit Sloth, those noises come back. They scare me, chibi!" Envy crooned, clinging to Ed. Ed blushed, then glared.
"THAT SON OF A BITCH IS DOING MY HUMUNCULOUS VERSION OF MY MOM! DEAR GOD.. HE'S LIKE.. MY SECOND FATHER! NOOO!" Ed rocked back and forth as Envy cradled him, a grin on his face.
"Shh, it'll be okay O'chibi-san. Want me to help you forget all that?" He asked, in a deceivingly soothing voice.
"Yes! I'll do ANYTHING TO FORGET THAT!" Ed shut his eyes tightly.
"Gooood." Envy smirked. Meanwhile, Armstrong put back his uniform on and once more flexed his muscles.
"The making-love-to-an-inanimate-object technique has been passed down from generation to generation in the Armstrong family." He announced. Al started at him.
"You scarred me for life!" Two seconds later.
"Do that again..." Okaaay, back to Dante.
"Where, where is my boyfriend?" Rose asked as she got closer and closer to Dante.
"Are you -hic- Wrath and Gluttony taking the same fucking annoyance classes to -hic- together?" Dante asked, now annoyed.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW?" Ed screamed as he ran away from Envy, to the other side of the room holding his pants and shirt.
"Making you feel better."
"Stay away!" Ed yelped as Envy jumped on him once again, a smirk playing over his lips. He ran his hands up and down underneath Ed's shirt, which made Ed squeal insanely and run out of the room.
"Edoooo!" Envy sighed, jumping up.
"Don't run.. FROM LOVE!" He skipped after Ed who was at a dead sprint away from him, screaming:
"RAPE, HELP ME," And:
"OO! A NICKEL IS ON THE FLOOR!" He bent down to pick it up, tripping Envy and making him break his legs.
"OI! CHIBI!" He yelled, clutching them and rolling.
"Envy, Uh.. I'm sorry?" He said, blankly, and Envy lurched up, covering Ed's lips with his own. Ed's eyes widened, and he screamed, which only made the kiss deeper. (Dont you hate it when that happens?) Al looked up as Armstrong put his clothes on once again, coughing. Roy then jumped in the room.
"Who's up for a... SEXY PARTY!" He screamed, as tons of odd dressed women (And Gluttony) paraded around the room. Al and Armstrong shrugged, and thus began.. well, you don't want to know, back to Ed.. Eww.. NEVERMIND.. DANTE! Dante sipped more wine as Rose stared at her.
"ILOVEYOUYOUREMIND MEOFMYBOYFRIENDDANCINGISFUNCOWSAREANIMALS-" She said all at once, and Dante just rolled her eyes tiredly.
"I want you..." Rose said once she stopped chanting out her love.
"I-" Dante shoved the wine bottle into Rose's mouth.
"Drink." She commanded.
Meanwhile
"How COULD you! My virginity! It's gone!" Ed wrapped the blankets around him and over his head and started to cry.
"You'll like it better the next time around..." Envy smirked in a satisfied manner, transforming his clothes back on.
"Do you want me to help you forget that?" Envy asked, grinning.
"NO!" Ed hid further into the covers.
"I've got hot chocolate in the other room..." Envy suggested. This caught the alchemist's attention and he shot up, in all his... naked... glory.
"Okay!" Envy merely smirked. "O'chibi, your clothes are miisssiiing!" He grinned.
Back where Al, Armstrong, Roy, the sexy harem (and Gluttony), Dante and Rose were, an ear shattering scream was heard. "What was that?" Roy asked.
Envy grinned, watching as Ed quickly slipped into his clothes, rushing for the hot chocolate. He blinked as Ed sipped down both his and Ed's cup in a near second.
"What else do you have to eat?" He asked casually. Envy blinked.
"Uhh.. Welll.." He said with a smirk, which made Ed shiver.
"Chocolate cake." Ed jumped up cheering.
"But you've got to do something for me first, chibi." Envy said seductively, running his fingers through Ed's hair.
-----A COUPLE SECONDS LATER------
"There?"
"Yeah, there!" Envy's voice said back.
"Oh yeah.. There.. Uhh, perfect! UH, UH, UHHHH!" The moans continued for a few seconds, then Ed moved.
"Ed, no, there, Uhh.. Yeahhh.." Envy's voice purred.
Ed moved the paintbrush to the top of the ceiling, blinking.
"After I paint the ceiling, do I get cake? And can you quit moaning every time I mess up? Sheesh." Envy shrugged, a grin played across his lips.
"I... -hiccup- love you sooo much." Dante moaned as Rose massed her aching shoulders.
"Me -hic- too." Rose leaned down and kissed Dante. "HOLY SHIT DON'T KISS ME!" Dante screamed, all of a sudden no longer drunk.
"But you're my BOYFRIEND!" Rose sobbed.
Back with Roy...
"Ladies! Please don't go! I don't know why I said that! Noooo!" Roy was also sobbing, when his harem had started to... have fun... with him... he had moaned out the name 'Fullmetal'.
"I don't love him! I love youu!" He cried out.
"You do?" Gluttony whom had stayed, asked.
"Shit no!" Roy paled.
"How about me?" Lust appeared at the doorstep, smiling like a vixen.
"Yes! Yes I do!" This must have been Roy's birthday...
Lust reached down, moving her fingers across his shoulders. He groaned.
"You've been a naughty boy, molesting little boys." She grinned.
"I LIKE THEM YOUNG.. I MEAN, I DONT KNOW WHAT YOUR TALKING ABOUT!" He yelled angrily.
She took out a whip that was magically laying on the bed. And began hitting him with it.
"SAY MY NAME!" She yelled.
"ED-- .. Uh.. Sloth? Hawkeye...?" He thought. Lust stared.
"Laura?" He guessed, a grin across his face.
"NO! IT'S LUST, DAMMIT! LUST!" She screamed, hitting him repeatedly.
"Owww.." He began sobbing, then she quit.
"My name?" She asked again.
"Come again?" He asked.
"DAMN YOUR SHORT TERM MEMORY PROBLEMS!" She yelled, looking through his military health records. (How'd she get those..)
--Back to ED & ENVY--
"Soo.. Edo.." Envy said, draping himself over Ed, who was gorging himself with chocolate cake. Envy frowned, as Ed didn't respond.
"Chibi..?" He said, playfully punching Ed in the shoulder.
"NOT WHEN IM EATING, YOU DOUCHEBAG!" He yelled, spitting pieces of cake all over Envy. Envy stared, stupefied, getting pieces of cake off of him.
"Uhh.." Envy said, blinking.
"Get me more cake, wench!" Ed yelled, slamming his fist on the table.
"WHY DO YOU TREAT ME SO BADLY!" Envy cried, leaving.
"OOps.." Ed said, swallowing the rest of the cake, then running after him. Envy was sobbing as he walked down the halls. Upon hearing a noise he sniffed sadly and looked to his left. In the room, Alphonse Elric and that Armstrong guy were mopping up the floor.
"What -sniff- are you goddamn humans doing here?" He asked, bitterly.
"Cleaning up! Um... there's nothing to see here! Move along!" Al shooed nervously. Envy sobbed louder and left the room. Later he made his way to Dante's room, when he looked in THAT one. Dante was currently wearing only undergarments and sitting on top a very happy Rose.
"You - hic- have breasts?" She asked in a slurred voice.
"Uhh..." Envy quickened his pace and then heard a whip crack coming from a closed door.
"LUST YOUR NAME IS LUST!" Came a voice.
"I don't even want to know..."
Meanwhile
"Envy! Where are you? EEENVVEII!" Edward called, from outside the manor. Envy stood outside on a balcony.
"If only, If only!" He sang, brids chirping along with him. Ed heard, and ran to the balcony. Well... He didn't really run, more like.. take two steps, but eh. you get the point. He looked up, then sang back.
"I love you, envy! I will always love.. YOUUUUUU!" He screeched, the birds dieing. Envy stared down, plugging his ears.
"You mean it chibi?" He said like a giddy schoolgirl.
"Sure. Plus, no one else can make good cake like you." Ed stated.
"EEE!" Envy yelled, jumping down on top of Ed.
"So we'll be together forevah?" Envy said happily. "Suuure..." Ed said, blinking.
The End
NombreDeBoligrapho: O.o MY EYES! MY EYEEESSSS!
LoathedWolfSpirit: Poor Envy... taken only because of his cooking XD