Salvage

by ShiroMoon

Of all the things senior Aoba Seragaki intended to do today, trying to talk Midorijima University's German foreign exchange student out of killing himself wasn't one of them. (Aoba/Noiz)

salvage [sal-vij];

to save from loss or destruction

---

I don't have to look at the clock when I stumble into the campus house to know what time it was. I can feel eleven-thirty in my bones. I collapse against the door. My arms ache, my head throbs. I haven't had a migraine in ages, but I can feel one coming on. My hands…I can't look at them. I don't want to think about the blood coating his strawberry-blond hair, staining the sides of his face crimson. It was the darkest red I've ever seen, and there'd been so much of it. I feel sick all over again.

I'm only twenty-four years old. Don't tell me I'm going to have to spend years in therapy for this…My head throbs, blurring my vision and I gasp. First things first; headache meds. I turn right into the tiny kitchen. I open the cabinets and find the wicker medicine box. Thank God my roommate Mizuki always keeps it somewhere easy to find. I pour myself a glass of water, toss the pills in and chug them down. I just hope my stomach can keep them down. I'm not even about to try the food my friend Koujaku got me while I was in the waiting room, I don't trust my stomach.

Now, second order of business, and the one I'm honestly dreading the most; Skype chatting with Grams. I love my grandmother, she's my whole world, but she's going to be furious with me for not contacting her sooner today. Knowing her, she probably thinks I've died or something…I practically crawl to my room and collapse into my desk chair. I turn on my laptop and, due to the darkness surrounding me, the light fills the whole room and makes my head pound and my eyes burn. I log into Skype and send a text to my Grandma to let her know I'm ready to see her.

Within seconds, her face fills the black screen below mine. Despite my exhaustion, I have to smile at the sight of my dog, Ren, a little Japanese Spitz, sitting in Grams' lap. As always, his little pink tongue is sticking out and at the sight of me; his curly tail begins to wag. On the other hand, Grams has her tiny brows knit tight together and her thin lips pursed. Oh boy. I give her what I hope is a charming smile to soften her rage and say, "Hey, Grams, how's it—?"

"You idiot boy!" Ren leaps off her lap and races somewhere off screen. I lean back in my chair, sighing. Oh man. "You're never late to any of our chats! Why didn't you text me? That fancy phone of yours isn't just for listening to music! Idiot!"

I pout and clutch my heart. "You're so mean to me, Grams…"

She's practically bristling. "Someone's got to unscramble that brain of yours. I swear…" She stops, staring intently at me. Her rage has sobered very suddenly. "Is that blood on your hands?" I lower my hands from my chest and my smile feels too heavy to hold on my face. I feel the weight of the whole day press down on me and I slump a little in my seat.

"Aoba, did something happen? Did that thug…Mink, did he give you trouble today?" She leans forwards and looks very closely at me. She's giving me her protective mama-bear look. As strange as it is, I almost wish I could say that Mink and his gang had given me trouble. A bit of rough housing I can handle, but what I had to deal with today with that guy…"I keep telling you, if he does something, report it! There's no way an upstanding school like Midorijima University should put up with what he does. Really! Drug-dealing, roughing up students…Do you think he's with the yakuza and that's why the school keeps him?"

"No, Grams, it wasn't Mink! There wasn't any fighting!" I throw up my hands to tell her to stop. The last thing I need is my grandma storming down to school and giving Mink a good kick between the legs.

"Then what?" A heavy sigh presses into my throat; my head still feels ready to split. The image of all that blood fills my head again, I see his face and it's so empty, so devoid of all the cockiness I've become accustomed to seeing there. I can't hold it in anymore. I need to talk about this.

"Do you…remember Noiz?" Just saying his name makes my heart clench. I screamed it hours ago, reaching out my hand to him even though I knew he'd been too far away to grab onto.

"The trouble-maker from…Germany, was it? Yes. Another one I don't know why they keep." She huffs and takes a sip of her tea.

"He's not—," The words die on my lips. Yeah, he's definitely still a trouble-maker. But after today, after the depths he sunk to, I don't think I'll ever be able to think of him as just a trouble-maker. He's more than just that; he's something sad.

"He tried to kill himself."

She coughs and slams down her tea and it spills everywhere, even on the screen. "What? In front of you? Is that why you've got blood all over you? Tell me this instant!" I don't want to. I don't want to relieve today. I'm so damn tired; I want to pass out. But at the same time, I'm afraid to sleep because I know that he'll come back to haunt me. I'll see his face in my dreams and blood will be pouring from his eyes; he'll choke me for not stopping him sooner and his blood will drip onto my face like crimson rain. It'll run down my throat, into my eyes.

In some way, it's my fault, isn't it? I should have reached out to him more often. There must have been some way I could have stopped this from happening…

So yeah. I'll tell her. Talking to Grams has always put my mind at ease. And maybe it will help me understand him better, too. Maybe I'll see the places where I failed and I'll learn from them so that, if this ever happens again, I'll be able to stop it before it gets to the state that it did today. I hope so.

I open my mouth and the words just come rushing out.

"He came to my school two months ago; he's an exchange student from Germany. His name is Wilhelm, but he likes to be called—,"

---

"Noiz." My classmates look at each other, I hear whispers, some people laugh.

Beside me, my life-long friend, Koujaku, whispers, "What an odd name, huh? Do they even have names like that in Germany?" I shrug. Sure it's odd, but it's a little cool, too. It fits him more than Wilhelm in my opinion. He's got piercings all over his face, even on his hands. He's handsome, no doubt, but his voice is cold and quiet, so much that it's just above a whisper. His eyes are a bright, pastel green and they seem to look right through everyone, including me, as if we're just not there to him. Looking back, I think that was my first sign that something just wasn't right with him.

"I'm well aware that I'm joining you all a little late, but I'm probably smarter than all of you anyway, so I'll be out of here in no time." He speaks Japanese perfectly, with just a hint of a German accent to give his words a rough edge. To me, he sounds a little serious, but maybe that's just the accent talking. He also sounds like a smug little asshole. He doesn't even sound like he means to be; he really does just think he's smarter than me and my classmates. Jerk.

"Alright, welcome, Noiz-kun. Please take your seat behind Aoba so we can begin class." Oh great. Well, he seems like he's above chair-kicking or stuffing gum in my hair, pulling my hair or taunting my hair, like most of the kids from my high school years. I get it. I have very long hair for a guy. Think I don't notice? Noiz ignores the teacher and sits in the back of the class by the window. My teacher, Hinamori-san lets it go and begins her lecture.

Beside me, Koujaku whistles softly and says, "Just what we need; another trouble-maker. Let me know if he bothers you, Aoba. I'll take care of him." I chuckle. "Sure, sure…"

I suddenly get an uncomfortable feeling and I shuffle a little. Someone's looking at me. I turn and find those pale green eyes on me. It's not a stare I like. He's not looking at me in a threatening way, but it isn't a friendly look either. It's…blank. Uncomfortable, I give him a smile. I've been bullied enough because of my hair to know that it's always best to try and befriend people before they start to dislike me. Noiz doesn't return my smile. Instead he looks away and out the window, down at the bleachers and the sports field. Did I make him uncomfortable or something?

He stays that way for the whole class. He doesn't ask questions or look at anyone. At some point he takes out his phone and I worry that he'll get a lecture from the teacher. He removes a rabbit chain from his phone and just holds it in his hand for most of the class, clenching his fist around it from time to time. A guy like him likes rabbits? Huh. Not that there's anything wrong with a guy who likes cute animals. I'm one of them. A half an hour later the class is over. Koujaku jumps to his feet and grabs my arm. "Come on, let's go. Before Mink and his crew take our spot."

I nod and jump to my feet. Mink and his crew had been seen leaving the roof from time to time, where Koujaku, Clear, Mizuki and I like to eat together. Who knows what the hell they do up there…I hurry from class. Hinamori-san stops me and says, "Good job in class today, Aoba-san." I grin.

"Thanks." She turns and walks away down the hall.

"Hey, stop sucking up to Hinamori-san," Koujaku says, tugging me towards him. "You know I've longed for her since the day I saw her."

I make a face. "Come on, Koujaku, can't you keep it in your pants long enough to graduate first?"

Koujaku bursts out laughing. "She will be mine one day, Aoba. Just you wait!" Laughing, the two of us turn to hurry to the roof. There's a loud thud behind us and I jump and whirl around. Noiz has just stepped out of class and he's been thrown into the wall next to the door. He collides with the notice board and papers go flying off and drift to the floor. I want to help, but when I see just who has pushed him, I hesitate a little. It's three of Mink's buddies.

They're recognizable immediately with their shaved hair, the tattoos that crawl up their arms, and the baggy clothes they wear. They've been causing trouble for years now and—due to Mink's family being one of the Yakuza organizations here—no one touches them. The worst they've gotten is detention and community service. Sure they've never killed anyone, but I'm pretty sure they deal weed, cocaine or any drug they can get their hands on, and they've been in a few really nasty brawls with students that rub them the wrong way.

"If you're so fucking smart, how come you didn't see that one coming, shitface?" One of them jeers, stuffing his face under Noiz's nose. "Think you can just waltz into class and start talking shit? Keep talking like that and soon you'll wish you'd stayed in Germany, Nazi."

"Hey!" I call, outraged, but Noiz says, "Whatever." Noiz straightens himself up from the wall and tries to pass by.

"Don't 'whatever' me!" The thug throws a punch at Noiz's face. Noiz grabs his fist when its inches from his face and redirects it into the wall. I'm astounded. His reflexes are incredible. The thug doubles over, clutching his fist and cursing. He whirls around to try and hit Noiz, but Noiz back-steps out of reach, falls back a little on his right foot and hurls himself forward, slamming his fist right into the thug's nose and breaking it. The thug's friends are too busy laughing at their friend's failure to help him.

"Done?" Noiz asks, raising a fist and the thug caves.

"Yeah, yeah, just keep your stupid trap shut and we won't have this problem again!" he runs off with his friends. A crowd of people have assembled and are watching in awe, staring at Noiz with astonishment and, I notices, a lot of fear. Noiz looks the crowds' way and they immediately disperse. Huh. The German kid has made one hell of a first impression.

"Nice one." I tell him, grinning. "You might have a little trouble with Mink, though. So be—," I don't have time to finish speaking. Noiz averts his gaze to the hallway ahead, and walks away.

I watch him leave. What's up with him? Koujaku grabs my shoulder. "Come on. Let's go." Ahead of us, Noiz rounds the corner and disappears and we climb up the stairs to the roof. I push open the door and breathe in deeply. It's spring and the air is full of the smell of growing flowers and freshly cut grass. The sky is a deep blue and full of fat, fluffy clouds that glide lazily by. It's a perfect day. Koujaku and I step further onto the roof and I spot Mizuki and Clear. Mizuki is sprawled out on the ground, eating a sandwich, Clear is sitting on the railing.

"Aoba-san!" Clear cries, his eyes bright and full of glee. He runs over to greet me and I raise a hand.

"Hey, Clear."

"Aoba, Mink's here." Mizuki stated, sitting up at once and pointing down the roof. From a distance, Mink's tall form is unmistakable. He's with his crew. They're all smoking and talking loudly, their voices carry all the way down to us. Mink is silent as always.

I scowl. "Who cares? He doesn't own the university. Let's just keep our distance. He usually ignores us."

Koujaku frowns. "We did nearly get involved with his gang back there with Noiz."

I throw my hands up to the sky. "I'm not letting them push me around. That's high-school crap. We're too old for that."

We keep our distance from Mink and sit in a circle and unpack our food. "My latest client at the hair salon was adorable," Koujaku tells us, "She was very friendly. We hit it off pretty well and talked the entire time I cut her hair. I even thought about asking her out, but…"

Mizuki's brows disappear into his hairline. "But? Don't tell me you've finally realized girls are naturally suspicious of pretty men that work at hair salons and won't stop talking about how cute this haircut would be with that dress?"

"Alright, yuck it up," Koujaku replies, unfazed, "Anyway, I was just about done with her hair, I was buzzing some extra strands at the back, and she sneezes and my clipper goes right up the middle of her head." I gape, mortified and Clear gasps.

Mizuki snorts with laughter. "Oh man. She didn't pay you, did she?"

Koujaku says, "She didn't notice. So I asked her out anyway. The date on the other hand…well, let's just say she found out and wasn't too happy."

Mizuki shakes his head and I give Koujaku and sympathetic smile. "So, Aoba, graduation's in a few months," Mizuki says, taking a massive bite of his sandwich, "Can't wait to be your first patient. You do know that slapping a bandaid on something isn't the answer to everything, though, right?" I scowl and ignore him, taking a gulp of water.

"I think Aoba-san will be an amazing doctor," Clear says, glowing. "Thanks, Clear. See, he believes in me. Why can't you?"

"That's 'cause I'm not gay for you like Clear is." Mizuki says, grinning and Clear exclaims, red-faced, "I'm not!"

"What's with you and all these gay comments, Mizuki?" I ask, leaning in close to him. "Got something you wanna tell us?"

Mizuki snorts. "Says the guy who's never so much as dated a girl in all the years I've known him."

My throat goes a little dry and my stomach knots. "I've been busy, alright? My grandmother isn't gonna live forever. I want her to know that I've got a good job so that she'll stop worrying about me. Dating would just get in the way."

"Look, Aoba, you're gonna be graduating soon, you can start to relax a little. If you want, I know a few girls I could—," Mizuki stops. He's staring at someone behind me. I turn, worried its Mink, and I steel myself for whatever unpleasant thing he might have to say. Instead, it's Noiz. He's standing in the doorway, looking around. His pale green eyes scan the rooftop, they travel to where Mink is and furrow in dislike. Then they travel our way and his eyes find me. He looks us over and doesn't move.

"New guy?" Mizuki asks Koujaku, and he nods.

"Yeah. He almost got his ass kicked by Mink's boys. Gave them a bit of a whooping."

Mizuki gapes. "Seriously? Does he wanna die or something?" I'm just busy wondering if he wants to come over. He's new here, so he doesn't know anyone. But then again, he seems like the kind of guy who likes to be by himself. He did sit at the back of class after all and he ignored me when I tried to talk to him.

We go back to chatting. The door closes behind us and I turn around. Noiz is gone. Looking back now, I think that's where I made my first mistake.

---

Fast forward. The month goes by. I've stopped seeing Noiz in class, but I see him around the school. Noiz has established himself as an enemy of Mink's crew. Whenever I see them pass each other in the hallway, they pick fights with Noiz. Noiz is a pretty good fighter. I try not to interfere. Mink's trouble, Noiz is trouble. But one day I actually get caught in the middle. I have a headache and go to bed early, so I wake up early the next day. I decide to get a start on my day, so I head to class. The school is pretty quiet this early, so that means I can study in a more relaxed environment.

I walk through the halls towards my classroom. I want to go to the library, cozy up in my favorite beanbag chair by the window, breathe in the smell of all the books, and just study. I stop only a few doors down from the library. Noiz is sitting on the windowsill, the light from the 7:00 sun pools into his lap. He has a textbook in his hand and he's writing in it, his hand speeding across the paper. It's quiet in the hallway; the only sound I hear is the quick scratching of pen against paper. I'm a bit surprised. He's always getting in so much trouble; I never thought he actually studied.

His phone is out; the rabbit keychain dangles over the windowsill and swings lightly in the breeze coming in through the open window. He stops writing and looks up. His eyes find mine, then he looks back down at his textbook. I always feel compelled to speak to him. He's so closed off, though; it's honestly kind of hard to read him. I decide to try anyway. "What are you studying?" I ask.

He doesn't look at me when he replies, "Video game programming." He continues his writing.

"Oh." I'm a bit confused. "Your major is way different from mine. What were you doing in Hinamori-san's class?"

He replies, "Wrong classroom. My classes are on the fourth floor."

I chuckle. "Got it. No big deal." Noiz nods and keeps writing. "So you're a gamer? What kind of games are you into?"

Noiz replies without pause, "Fighter games and RPGs. A lot of modern day fighters disappoint me. I want to make my own."

I walk a little closer to him. "Sounds fair."

I pass by him briefly to get to the library and frown, wanting to slap myself. The library doesn't open for another hour. "Mind if I hang out here?" I ask.

Noiz shrugs. "It's a public space. Whatever." That it is…This guy is odd. I sit down on the windowsill behind him and open my text book. We're back to back, a wall between us. I pull out my books and realize I've forgotten a pencil. I look over my shoulder, around the wall, and stare at Noiz's shoulder. I can see into his text book. It's full of all kinds of mathematical scribbles that make my head hurt just looking at them. There is artwork in there, too; crudely drawn characters with bulging muscles, bandanas around their heads, some wielding swords or pipes.

"Hey, can I borrow a pencil?" He whips his hand off the paper, retrieves a pencil from his bag and hands it to me.

"Here." He goes back to writing and I begin my work. We're silent for a while. I still want to talk to him, but silence is fine, too. I can hear bird song drifting in through the window and I can faintly smell the spring air from outside. It's getting hotter. Summer will be here soon. I'm looking forward to going home and seeing Ren and eating my grandmother's homemade food. She sends me some all the time, but I miss eating with her. I take my headphones out of my bag, pull them over my ears, and then I turn on some music.

A shape moves by me and I look up. Noiz walks by me and rounds the corner into the bathroom. I look back down at my books and keep reading, jotting down notes from the book that I find interesting and adding them to my essay. Someone runs by me, sending a whoosh of air that rustles the pages of my book. I look up and see the bathroom door close. The song I'm listening to ends. I put on another and keep writing my essay. I'm ashamed to say I'm running a little late. I really want it done before my class at 1:00. Over the techno music in my ears, I feel like I hear noises and they're loud enough that I become unsettled. I remove my headphones and listen. I hear a yell of pain from the bathroom. I look over my shoulder. Noiz isn't sitting beside me.

Immediately, I know something's wrong. I race to the bathroom and stop outside. I don't want to just rush in without knowing what I'm up against. I open the door ajar, peering in. My heart jumps into my throat; there's blood everywhere, Noiz is being held up against the wall, bleeding from a jagged cut on his forehead and two guys—Mink's boys— take turns wailing on him. One guy hits Noiz in the stomach, then across the face, then in the nose. "Come on, cry out for help! What's the matter, smartass, are you so high and mighty, you're above screaming?" What the hell do these punks get out of this shit? Sure Noiz is odd and he's a bit of an arrogant smart-mouth, but this is disgusting.

Noiz doesn't respond to any taunts, blood is gushing from his nose and staining his clothes. No one is standing up to these thugs. They aren't just your run of the mill bully. They're god damned criminals and people in charge are letting them do whatever they damn well want, because of what? Mink's family must be pretty powerful, insanely powerful, because this shit wouldn't be tolerated anywhere else, especially not at an expensive school like Midorijima University.

I'm sick of letting these assholes walk all over people. I throw open the door and my voice is so loud, it surprises even myself, "Hey!" They freeze and look at me. Noiz squints at me from his black eye.

"If you assholes are so tough, how about you let him fight back? Or what, are you scared he'll kick your ass like he always does?"

"What are you, his boyfriend? You really don't wanna make an enemy outta me, faggot. You make an enemy of me; you make an enemy of Mink-san."

I ball my fists. "You think I'm afraid of three guys so cowardly that they go and pick a fight with someone and don't even give him the chance to fight back? You assholes can go to hell!" The guy holding Noiz is burning holes in me with his eyes; the other thug has stopped hitting Noiz and has turned on me. I don't remember the last time I've gone up against three beefy guys by myself. That just makes me even angrier. I thought I left this Street Fighter shit behind me.

Ahead of me, the guy holding Noiz screams in pain. Noiz slams the back of his head into his captor's nose. The scream distracts the two thugs closest to me. I throw a roundhouse kick into the thug's face and he crashes to the ground. He smacks his head on the sink and passes out. Noiz makes swift work of his captor and slams his head into the urinal. Now there is only one left. He lunges at me and sends me flying.

I crash into the wall, feel the ache in my shoulder and see white as my skull collides with the plaster. I hear a loud crack inside my bag, which is crushed between my hip and the wall. Oh no. This asshole did not just break my laptop. I throw a kick his way, block a punch, and slam my fist into his face. Noiz slams into him from behind and sends him caterwauling into the wall. His scream is silenced and he passes out. My heart is racing; the blood is pounding in my ears, I feel the ghost of a smile on my face.

It really has been too long since the last time I fought. I'm not a psychopath; I don't get a kick out of hurting people. But fighting does give me one hell of a rush. "Not bad." Noiz comments and I look up from the three unconscious thugs. I give a jolt. He's bleeding so badly, both from the cut on his forehead and his bloody nose.

I almost cringe looking at him. "Shit, that looks bad!" I run over and grab some paper towels. "What are you doing?" I ask, almost angry. "Pinch your nose and put your head down. Hold it there for maybe a minute so the blood can clot." I thrust the paper towels at him.

"It's fine." He says. I gape at him. Blood from his nose is dripping thick and fast onto the tiles and he's just standing there, looking almost bored.

"The hell it is!" I rage, unable to believe this guy.

"It'll stop in a second."

Scowling, I pinch his nose for him. "Hey!"

I ask, "Does this hurt?" I wanted to know if his nose was broken.

Noiz replies, "No." I'm a little relieved and I press the paper towels firmly to his nose. After a few seconds, Noiz brushes my hand away and blots at his nose with the paper towel. A minute later, his nose stops bleeding and he removes his hand.

"Why bother?" Noiz asks, staring down at his bloody hand, and I'm confused.

"Why bother what?"

Noiz replies, "Helping me. Why bother?"

I stare at him incredulously. "What else should I have done?"

"Not get involved at all. This was my business, not yours." A flare of annoyance ignites inside me. What's this guy's deal? For me, not helping wasn't an option. I'm not the kind of guy who can sit there and just watch something like that happen.

"I'm not gonna be a very good doctor if I don't help people in need, am I?"

Noiz looks away and replies, "So you did it for yourself. Of course."

I clench my jaw. What the hell does that mean? "That's not what I meant. Sure, my job will involve me helping people, but I don't just help people because it's my job. I genuinely want to help people!"

"So you can feel good about yourself. It's why everyone does good things." Now I'm starting to wish I hadn't helped him.

"Not everyone. Everyone does different things for different reasons. You can't know what everyone is thinking all the time."

Noiz just shrugs. "Neither can you." He turns and washes his face at the sink, rinsing away the blood and staining the pure white basin crimson.

"Fair enough." I'm speaking through clenched teeth. What's with this guy, why does he have such a shitty view on life?

Bitter, I leave the room and return to the windowsill. The hallways are busier now and the students' chatter echoes off the wall. I fall back into my spot, sighing heavily. I couldn't imagine having that mindset; that everyone's deeds are ultimately selfish, no matter how good. Sure, you could argue that we all do good things just to feel good about ourselves, but I don't believe that. Especially not if you don't ask for anything in return. Honestly, that guy is just depressing…

But class is starting soon. I still have to finish my essay. But first I root around in my bag and grab my laptop, dreading what I'd see. I pull out my laptop and groan at the sight. There's a big crack in the screen. This thing cost me a thousand dollars, all of which were hard earned at my part time job at the electronics store near campus. It took ages to make that money…Biting my lip, I turn on the laptop and a screen full of pixels greets me. "Fuck…" I hiss, unable to believe it. This was a new laptop; I'd only had it for a year. Great…All my stuff was on there, all the notes I'd been making for my essay. Without those I'd completely flunk this essay!

"Broken?" It's Noiz, gathering his textbooks and getting ready to go wherever it is he's going.

"Yeah…This sucks…" I close the laptop, bitterly hitting my fist against it. "It cost me over a thousand dollars, I can't afford to replace it."

Noiz snorts. "Replace it…" He makes it sound like what I said was the stupidest thing he's ever heard.

"What?" I ask, my tone sharp.

"Give it to me. I can fix it." He says, extending his hand. I remember all the scribbles in his journal, the math that had made my head spin.

"I'm pretty broke right now, I can't really pay you for fixing it."

"Doesn't matter." I smirk. "What?"

"Look at you, doing a good thing. Why, hoping to feel good about yourself?" I ask.

Noiz raises his brows. "No, people who are technologically inept piss me off." I want to smash my laptop into his face, but I don't. I really like this laptop. It was my most expensive purchase and I'd spent hours looking before I found one I felt comfortable spending that much money on.

"Alright, fine. Thanks. Just give it back soon, alright? Here's my number, you can text me when you're done." Noiz takes the paper I've handed to him and I give him my laptop. Without a word, he walks away and I stare after him. 'Technologically inept people piss me off' he says, 'people only do nice things to feel good about themselves' he says…I don't know how to feel about this guy at all, but if he fixes my laptop, I really will appreciate it.

---

It's nearly time to turn in my essay. Half the notes are on the papers in my hands, the others are all on my laptop, which is broken and in Noiz's, hopefully capable, hands. I wish I'd hadn't procrastinated so much. I could have finished, printed it all out, and have it in my hands now. I smack my forehead. Dammit…I look at the clock. Fifteen minutes until 1:00. My stomach turns over and I begin to pace. Alright, I've been doing really well this term. Maybe one botched essay won't affect my GPA that much, it's not like it's for finals; those aren't until April next month. Before I can sink more into my anxiety, my cellphone vibrates in my pocket. It's a call from Noiz. "Hey, any luck?"

"Yeah, it's all good. I'll be outside the building in a minute or two."

"Really? Wow, thanks so much." I can hardly believe it. For all I know it might have been such a simple thing to fix, but as far as I was concerned, he was a heavily-pierced, technologically-savvy Jesus. I race outside to meet him. He's strolling up the walkway, carting his bicycle along beside him. I wave to him and he heads my way and opens his bag. He hands me my laptop and I sit down on the bench by the doors and open it up. The screen is as good as new and best of all; I can see everything on my screen. I grin so widely it hurts. "Thanks."

He shrugs. "It's no big deal. I had an old laptop at home, same brand, so I removed the LCD from my laptop, took out your broken one, and put the new LCD in yours."

It's no big deal to him, but it means the world to me. I check the clock. I still have time. If I work fast, I can copy the notes I wrote today to the document in my laptop and print them out. "I mean it, thanks a lot."

"It's fine." He looks uncomfortable, like he isn't sure how to react to my compliments. I feel like I'm annoying him. I want to repay him somehow, though. Maybe take him out to lunch or invite him to a movie. Then he's walking by me, probably heading to class up on the fourth floor. I watch him go. He makes what he did sound so trivial, but I don't know too many people who can repair broken laptops or write down all those crazy equations like its second nature to them.

Yeah, he's a weird one alright.

---

The month goes by and we're nearing the end of spring which means summer break is almost here. It's time for finals. These will be the final tests I take and then I'm onto med school after graduation in the fall. Honestly, I'm a little freaked out by the idea. I'm almost done with school forever. As boring and as time consuming as it can be, school has given me a sense of direction, especially college. Fuck high school, that place blew.

For the past four years of my life in college, I've felt like I had direction, like I was shaping my life and getting ready for the next chapter. Now all of that will be over. I'll have my degree that I've worked so hard for. I'll hang it on the wall above my desk. Great, terrific. Then what? What medical school will I go to? How will I know which one is the fit for me? How long will it take to find that fit? Then where will I work after I've graduated med school? Will I even see any of my friends depending on which school I go to?

There are too many questions and doubts that I don't have any answers for. On my way into class, Mizuki and Clear pass by. "Good luck on your finals, Aoba-san!" Clear calls and Mizuki grins.

"Yeah, good luck, Aoba. Totally didn't just take a bet with Koujaku on whether or not you'd pass. I bet you'd pass, of course."

"Yeah, sure."

"Hey, after class, drinks are on me, alright? We'll meet at the usual place."

I grin. That sounds awesome. "Definitely. See you there." I turn and find myself facing Noiz. He was watching our exchange.

"Exams?" He asks and I nod. I wonder if I should invite him out drinking with us. "Good luck." I'm genuinely surprised and pleasantly so.

"You too." I do hope he does well. I still remember how passionate he was about those games he wanted to make. I forget to ask him to join us. I'm honestly surprised he wished me luck. I take my seat and wait. My stomach is twisting about. I hope I do well. Before I can come up with any reasons as to why I might fail, the teacher enters and asks us to get our pencils out.

The exam begins.

---

The exam is absolute hell. By the time I'm done, my head hurts and my nerves are shot. It will be three weeks before I get the results. I would like to know sooner, but I'm still determined to enjoy my week. After exams I go out drinking with the guys. I don't see Noiz on my way out of class and I don't have the chance to look before I am dragged out to the bar by Koujaku.

I'm happy I went. I don't know what the future holds so I don't know how much more time I'll be able to spend with Koujaku, Clear and Mizuki, so any time I spend with them is precious to me. Those three and Grams I place above all others. These days, I do find myself wondering if I might be able to add Noiz to that list of special people. He's got a shitty viewpoint, sure, but he isn't all that bad. Then again, I'll be graduating in a few months and I'll be heading back home for summer-break once I get my exam results. I'm not going to be seeing much of Noiz anymore, so maintaining a friendship with him would be tricky, especially since he's only just starting his school work.

Then, the big day arrives. My exam results are emailed to me. My palms are sweating, my stomach is writhing. I did the best job I could, I tell myself, I worked really hard so even if my grade isn't perfect, it's not because I didn't try…it's just…because…I didn't try. I steel myself for bitter disappointment and open my email. All my fears melt away. I stare in disbelief at the screen. I earned a degree. I did it. "Yes!" I spin my chair around in a circle; throw my hands up in the air. Then I call my grandmother and nearly deafen her in my excitement. She chastises me for yelling, but I can hear the warmth in her voice and I can practically see her smiling.

Then I call Koujaku and tell him to bring Clear and Mizuki to the bar. I'm about to put my phone away when I see Noiz's number in my contact list. I want him to come, too. I probably won't see him again after I go home. I call him but it goes to voice mail. So I leave him a message. "Hey, Noiz. It's Aoba. I just got my grade results in and I want to celebrate. I'm inviting three of my friends to Drink Shop Heibon, it's not far from here. We're meeting there in a half an hour if you want to join us. It'll be fun. Thanks."

After that I jump in a cab and ride it down to the bar. Once inside I'm greeted by the owner, Haga-san and his wife Yoshie. "Congratulations, Aoba-kun!" Yoshie squeals, and before I can stop her, she pulls me into her massive arms and my face is pushed right into her large breasts. My face burns red hot and I try to wiggle away but she hugs me tighter, swinging me left and right. "Who'd have thought our little handsome Aoba-kun would do so well! It almost makes me sad you won't be coming by anymore." Her plump lips pout and she gives him sad puppy eyes.

My face is still bright red. "Yeah, it'll be a shame not to see you and Haga-san anymore."

"Well, you're always welcome back," Haga-san tells me with a warm smile.

"Aoba-san!" It's Clear; he, Koujaku and Mizuki are waving me over. I hurry over to them and Mizuki pulls me into a bear hug, smashing my face into his chest.

"Oh, Aoba-kun! Our wonderful, handsome, Aoba-kun!" I shove him in the chest.

"Stop it!" He bursts into laughter.

Koujaku ruffles my hair. "Congratulations, Aoba!"

"Yeah, you too! It's so awesome we'll all be graduating together."

Clear smiles and hugs me tightly. "I just hope we'll all still be able to meet like this." He says, a worried frown creasing his round, youthful face.

I clap him on the shoulder. "Sure we will." He smiles radiantly. I sit in the booth beside Koujaku and Yoshie-san bustles over and asks, "Now, what can I get you handsome young men?"

"Don't eat them, darling!" Haga-san calls and Yoshie waves him away.

"Don't worry, Haga-san, Yoshie-san is as enchanting as always." Koujaku says, taking her hand. All of us groan. After that embarrassing display from Koujaku, the four of us place our orders. I buy myself a root beer float. That's as close to alcohol as it will get for me. I'm not a big drinker. While we talk I check my phone's clock occasionally. Noiz is fifteen minutes late, if he's coming at all. Right on cue, the bell above the door jingles and in walks Noiz. His clothes are a little damp, but he looks like he just barely escaped the heavy rain outside.

I wave to him. "Hey, Noiz!" He spots me, raises a hand, and walks over to join us.

"You invited the weird German kid?" Mizuki asks, giving me look.

"Yeah. He repaired my laptop for me, so I kind of wanted to repay him for it. He's not that bad."

Koujaku raises his brows. "If you say so."

Noiz arrives at our table and I introduce him to everyone. Noiz just nods. "Hey." He sits beside me and Clear moves to Mizuki's booth to make room for me and Koujaku.

"What can I get you?" Yoshie asks, batting her eyes at Noiz.

"Spaghetti." He replies without pause.

"Seriously, man? They serve a mean burger here." Mizuki says and I give him a look.

"And also the cheeseburger." Noiz adds and Yoshie jots that down on her notepad. "Also, that," he says, pointing under the dessert menu. "And that." He points at another option under the dessert menu. "This also. And that." All of us gape at him.

Yoshie nods, looking a little disconcerted. "So, just to be clear; the banana-split, the hot-fudge sundae, a slice of strawberry shortcake cake and the grilled salmon?"

Noiz nods. "Yes."

Yoshie purses her lips. "Alrighty then. My goodness…" She sweeps away. The four of us stare, slack-jawed at Noiz.

"You're sharing all of that, right?" Koujaku asks.

Noiz shrugs. "You can have some if you want."

"You're not seriously going to eat all of that stuff, are you?" Noiz looks at me like I'm crazy for not eating three whole meals and three desserts in one setting.

"Sure, I can pay for all of it."

I gape at him. "That's not what I was asking…Whatever, if you have any leftovers, we'll take care of it for you." Noiz shrugs and lies back against the booth. Our meals arrive. Noiz is told he'll receive his meals one after the other. I just think he's made a bet with himself to see how much he can eat before he explodes, or before he creates a clone of himself. Noiz polishes off his spaghetti with ease and stuffs the giant meatballs into his mouth.

"So, Aoba, have you figured out what med school you're going to?" Koujaku asks me, finally taking his eyes off Noiz.

"No, not really. They're so many to choose from. I have no idea how I'll find the one that works for me."

Koujaku says, "I'm searching, too. If I find one I think you'll like, I'll let you know. Maybe we could go up and check it out together." I like the idea. I like the idea of going to the same medical school with Koujaku even more. Since we were kids, we've always been together. Being without him is a foreign thought. It isn't undoable. I'm certain that no matter what happens, the friendship we have is one that will last. I just hope that proves true no matter how far apart life takes us.

"America has some amazing medical schools," Clear notes. I don't know how to reply. A part of me has always wanted to go to America. But actually studying there? That sounds scary. I've never been out of Japan. Midorijima is like the world to me. I can't imagine being anywhere else. But what if I did find a school in America that I liked? Would I really go?

I give Clear a smile, but it's uncertain. "Even if I did, I'd do my best to keep in contact with you guys. We're not living in the stone age or anything."

Mizuki raises his glass. "Hey, to Aoba, to us, to our futures."

I grin and toast to that. Noiz doesn't join us. He sits beside me and observes. I realize we've kind of been ignoring him. I ask, "Hey, Noiz, do you have any plans for—," Noiz's phone vibrates and he checks his messages. His face darkens. He throws down his spoon. A lull has fallen upon our table. "Noiz, is something—?" Noiz stands up and leaves, slamming the door behind him.

"W-what was that about?" Clear asks, peering out the window at him. I look over Clear's shoulder. Noiz is standing beneath the bar awning, dialing a number furiously into his phone. He waits for an answer with tight, furrowed brows, his lips pressed into a tight line. I've never seen him like this before. Whatever it is, it must be bad.

Slowly, we resume our meal. I occasionally glance up. Over the tapping of the rain against the glass, I can hear Noiz's voice; his voice is muffled by the glass, but occasionally I hear snatches of words I'm unfamiliar with. He's talking in German. Then everything gets quiet. I look up. Noiz's lips are parted, his green eyes wide. His face is frozen in an expression of furious disbelief. He slowly lowers his phone from his ear and stares down at it. Before I can stop myself I'm stepping out into the rain after him. I'm not even out the door before something is thrown at my feet. It's Noiz's phone. I look up at him. His back is to me and I can't see his face. His fists are clenched so hard the knuckles have turned white. His shoulders rise and fall with each heavy breath he takes.

I don't speak. I get the feeling talking to him right now isn't a good idea. He turns to face me. He looks exhausted when only moments ago he had enough energy to eat at least six plates of food. Wordlessly he picks up his cracked phone and pushes it into his pocket. There's no anger in his actions now. It's all gone as suddenly as it came. Somehow, that's scary to me. He pulls out his wallet and hands me his credit card. "For my food."

"Wait, are you leaving? Can't you wait?"

"Keep it. Where I'm going, I won't need it." He breezes by me, dropping his card as he goes. It lands on the ground at my feet. He mounts his bike and peddles away through the rain. I'm frozen in place. Something about his words has turned my food into a lump in my stomach. Then it clicks. A thought so horrible, so morbid and obscene, forces its way into my mind and leaves me in chills. No. No, that can't be what he meant. There's no way.

I whirl around and find the street behind me empty. He's long gone. My heart begins to race. No. No. He did not tell me right to my face that he was going to commit suicide just as casually as you'd tell someone you're going for a walk. I remember his face; how empty he looked, how tired he looked, like he was exhausted of living, tired of life, tired of everything and everyone in it. I want to throw up. I'm shaking. I run for the bar door and throw it open. "Koujaku!" My voice is shrill, bordering on hysterical.

Koujaku whirls around and he jumps up. "Aoba, what—?"

"Get your car! It's Noiz, he just took off, he was really upset, he left his card with me; he told that he wouldn't need it 'where he was going'. Koujaku, I think he's going to—,"

Koujaku's mouth falls open. "Shit! Are you serious?" He races from the booth and into the rain. Mizuki and Clear are fast on his heels. We have to run two blocks to find his car. During the run I get on the phone with the police. I have no idea where Noiz went, but the tallest building in the area is the University, so I tell the police to head there.

Finally, we find Koujaku's car and he throws himself into the driver's seat and I jump in beside him. Clear and Mizuki pile in the back. I've barely buckled up before Koujaku is starting the engine and driving away down the street. Through the fog I can see the University. It's close by, but I'm scared it's not close enough. How could this be happening? How could he have been so close to me for months and been having these thoughts without my knowing? But how could I have known? Was there anything I could have done to prevent this?

I screw my eyes shut and hold my head in my hands.

Dammit Noiz, don't do this. Please let me be in time. Please.

---

The moment we pull up outside school, I leap out of the car. "We have to split up. Ask around the campus; see if anyone knows where he lives!" Koujaku, Clear and Mizuki split and I race into the school's main building. "Noiz!" I call. Students look at me like I'm crazy. I run up to a girl and ask her, "I'm looking for someone; he's blond, he's got piercings, green eyes—," She shakes her head, skirts around me, and hurries out the door.

I move onto the next person, repeat my question, and get that same nervous look and shake of the head. Doesn't anyone know where he is or even who he is? I race up to the fourth floor and hurry to Noiz's classroom. I throw open the door. There's a class in progress, but I don't care. "I need help! Does anyone know where Noiz is?"

"Sir, you're interrupting—," the teacher begins and I cut him off, "I think he's going to kill himself! Does anyone know where I can find him?" There are worried looks exchanged among the students and the teacher stammers, eyes wide. "Has anyone seen him?" I ask, sweeping the room with my eyes. Just that same look of confusion, like they have no clue who their own God damn classmate is. I slam the door and race away down the hall. Then I freeze. I see something lying on the floor by the stairs leading further up. I recognize the rabbit keychain immediately. I pick up his phone, look up at the flight of stairs in front of me, and my heart sinks. I pocket his phone and race up to the stairs. I run until I'm breathless and my lungs ache. I hurl myself into the door leading onto the roof and stagger out into the rain.

He's standing outside the railing, soaked to the bone. His clothes cling to his skin and I realize just how thin he is. He looks fragile and broken. "Noiz!" My voice is ragged and shaking. He turns his head and his green eyes find mine. They're dull, there's no life in them.

"Aoba?" It's the first time he's said my name. He sounds broken.

"Listen to me. Don't do this. I don't know what's going on, or why you feel this way, but nothing will get better if you do this!"

"Sure it will."

"Don't say that! By doing this, you're ending any chance you have of getting through this."

"I gave them their chance to change even after what they did to me. I gave them their chance and they blew it. Nothing's going to get better."

"Who are you talking about?"

"You have my phone. Just check my messages. What I have to say doesn't matter."

"That's bullshit. If I didn't think you mattered, I wouldn't be here." I don't want to take my eyes off him. "So tell me who treated you this way, I want to hear it from you."

I'm certain he's going to refuse. He's going to start blathering about how I'm only doing this for myself, or something shitty like that. "I can't feel pain. A broken bone, a wound, I can't feel any of it. When I was a kid, I would hurt the other kids at my school. I didn't know the things I did could hurt them, I thought everyone was like me. I didn't understand when they cried or why they pushed me away from them. I shamed my parents. They didn't know what to do with their freak of a kid, so they locked me in my room for years. I ran away, they found me. They apologized over and over again and I was stupid enough to think they could change. But people don't change, none of them do."

"what you did wasn't stupid. It was an incredible thing to do to forgive your parents for doing something so horrible. I couldn't have done that."

"It was stupid," Noiz retorts and his voice is sharp and goes right through me, "I worked my ass off this whole semester. I got good grades, especially for a kid that only had access to online tutoring. Shouldn't parents be proud of their kid for that? Instead, they tell me they don't want to see me because they found out I'd been getting into fights. They're in town and they don't even want to see me. Figures."

My heart clenches in my chest. I can understand why he's so upset. "You don't have to throw your life away because of them."

He snorts and a cold smile lifts his lips. "I'm not doing this for them. I'm sick of this place, Aoba. I'm sick of Japan, I'm sick of Germany, I'm sick of everything. People are all the same; all they do is disappoint me." He takes a step closer to the edge.

"Noiz!" My heart is screaming my ears.

"No matter where I go, no matter what I do, I'm alone. I can't change it. I push people away without even trying. You've seen the way I am. I don't know how to fix it. I can't relate to people because I'm a monster who can't feel their pain."

"No you're not a monster. Sometimes you're a bit of an asshole, that's true. But that's not all that you are, alright? You're really smart, ridiculously smart. When I saw all those equations in your book, it made my head hurt."

"Anyone could write that stuff down."

"Not in the same way you could! No one else that I know is like you. You went on and on about how people only do nice things for themselves, then you went and repaired my laptop—,"

"I told you, idiots with computers—,"

"—Piss you off, I get it! You took time out of your day to help me, you didn't have to, you could have just left me with my broken computer and you didn't. For all your talk about how much you hate people, you came and hung out with my friends and me, you wished me good luck before my exams, you fight with people every chance you get. You told me all that horrible stuff about your past, and you're standing here talking to me instead of doing what you came up here to do. That isn't what someone does if they just want to be left alone."

He has to have been standing here for a while before I found him, too. He's soaked. He's looking at me now, really looking me at me, he's turned his whole body to face me. He's staring deep into my eyes, listening to every word I say with rapt attention, barely even blinking. He doesn't believe half the things he says, does he? Not deep down inside of him. Otherwise, he'd have already jumped.

He wants someone to save him; like the way people carry cargo from a sinking ship. They salvage all that's good and they fix it. He wants someone to show him that he can change, and he wants someone to help show him that the world isn't as big a sack of shit as he thinks it is.

I want to be the person to do that for him. I want to help him. I walk towards him, my steps grow slowly in speed but I don't run. I don't want to freak him out. "I care about you. I invited you out with everyone because I want to be your friend."

"You'd change your mind eventually. You'll get sick of me."

"You've pretty much been an ass since I met you, how much worse could you possibly get, huh? Besides, you don't know that. What if I decided I really liked you, what then?"

Noiz looks away from me and down at his feet. "That wouldn't happen."

"How do you know that? Unless you try, you won't—,"

"I tried with my parents and it didn't work. If my own fucking parents despised me, how the hell can anyone care about me? It's impossible; I'm a freak, I'll always be one. You can't change that." He steps away from me; the heels of his boots go over the edge.

"Noiz, Noiz, don't do this. Please don't. I don't think you're a freak, nothing could make me think that."

"I don't believe you." He's so close but he's so far away. No matter how fast I run, I'll never reach him. "just stop for a minute and think about this, okay?" But it's no good. I can see in his eyes that he doesn't have to think about anything. He steps backwards off the roof just as I run at him. Even though he's too far away, I reach out to him anyway. I collide with the railing and it knocks the breath out of me.

I stagger backwards. The world is spinning; I can't hear anything except the blood pounding my ears. I'm shaking so hard that my legs can barely support my weight. There's no way that this just happened. This doesn't feel real, it feels wrong, like a bad dream that I can't wake up from. Below me, people start screaming. I run. I run all the way down the stairs and it doesn't feel like I'm in control of my body. My mind is still out on the roof and I'm wishing I'd just run to him.

Then I fall face down and stars explode before my eyes. Someone's helping me to my feet. I'm in the lobby; the doors are ahead of me. He's lying right outside the doors; face down in the wet concrete. People are gathered all around him; they're crying, screaming, some people have their phones out. Oh good God. I stagger away from whoever helped me up and I stumble out the doors. There's so much blood, it's everywhere, pooling beneath his head. His shoulder is bent underneath him at an unnatural angle.

His eyes are closed, his blond hair is clotted with blood pooling from a cut on his forehead. My legs cave out and I fall to my knees. Sounds I don't even recognize are coming out of my mouth. I'm soaked to the bone and if I'm crying, I can't tell. I hold his hand tightly, the way I wish I'd have done before he jumped. It's cold as ice and covered in blood. "Aoba, Aoba, you can't do anything for him." It's Koujaku's voice. I feel hands on me, trying to pull me away and I throw them off.

"I could have saved him! I could have!" I feel like I can't breathe. There are too many people, none of whom gave a damn about Noiz until today, and they're all gathered around us, taking pictures, recording videos. He'll be remembered as nothing but a bloodied corpse and then he'll just be forgotten.

Paramedics are here and they lay out a stretcher. Noiz's hand is taken from mine and he's laid on the stretcher and carted towards the ambulance. I force my way through the crowd and follow them. They ask me to stand back and I watch as they bandage his head, press a stethoscope to his chest and feel his pulse. "He's alive. But not for much longer."

The air goes out of my lungs. "Can I…can I ride with him?" They let me in. Behind me, Koujaku is allowed inside.

The doors close, the engine starts and the siren blares above our heads. I take Noiz's hand and hold it tightly.

---

Noiz's heart stops halfway to the hospital. The paramedics sitting in the back with us press a defibrillator to his chest and pump electricity through his body three times before they get his heart beating again. The moment we're through the hospital doors, Noiz is carted away to the emergency room. Koujaku leads me to a chair and we sit together. "Aoba, no matter what happens in there, you tried your best." Koujaku tells me. I don't believe him. If I'd really tried my best, we wouldn't be here.

"I should have reached out to him more."

Koujaku grabs my shoulder. "You reached out to him more than anyone else did. With loners like him, there's only so much you can do." I don't believe that, either. I should have asked him out drinking after finals, I should have talked to him more, helped him out more when he got into scuffles with Mink's crew.

"I was so close to him, Koujaku. I tried to talk him out of it." My throat is closing up and my eyes are burning hot. Koujaku pulls me tightly to him, pressing my face into his chest. I feel like a little boy again. Koujaku hasn't changed a bit. Even today he's still my hero.

"He could still make it. Don't give up, Aoba." I screw my eyes shut and gnash my jaw. I don't want to break down. I want to believe that Noiz will be alright. So I hold onto Koujaku like a lifeline. Then exhaustion overcomes me and I slip away.

When I wake up, an hour has gone by. Koujaku has left me a text, telling me that he's gone to get food. I'm not too hungry, far from it, actually. "Excuse me." I look up. "I'm the surgeon for the young man you rode in with two hours ago."

I jump up. "Is he alright?" Noiz's surgeon nods but he looks tired.

"Yes, he'll live." I haven't even realized how difficult it was to breathe until I breathe out a sigh.

"He landed on his shoulder when he fell and dislocated it, broke it in three places. His head was the last thing to hit the ground and he suffered a concussion. He's sleeping so we're unable to tell how sever the damage is. But considering the fall he took, I don't think it's anything minor."

"Oh…Do you think he'll have any memory loss or trouble talking?"

"Again, it's hard to tell. As soon as he's up, we'll run some tests if he's able." That's not very comforting, but Noiz is alive, so there's that.

"Can I see him?" Noiz's surgeon leads me to his room down the hall.

As we walk, he turns to me and asks, "You're a friend of his? Can you contact his parents and tell them about his condition?" My stomach churns a little as I remember the things Noiz told me about his family. But come on, they'd have to be truly heartless not to care about their son's attempted suicide.

I reach into my back pocket and find Noiz's phone. I swipe my hand across the screen. Unsurprisingly, Noiz's wallpaper has a picture of a rabbit on it. It stares at the camera through its cage. It's quite cute; it's black and white with red-rimmed eyes and a pink nose. I wonder if it's Noiz's rabbit. I check his contacts. There are none. I have no way of contacting his family. My hand clenches around the phone. This isn't right. He shouldn't be alone in the hospital after going through what he did today.

"Sorry, I think it's just me." I tell his surgeon and a look similar to all the emotions swirling inside me fills his face.

"I see. Well, he's lucky to have you." He leads me to Noiz's room and I step inside. Noiz is asleep in bed. His head is completely encased in bandages except for his face. His arm is in a cast and wrapped close to his chest. "Visitor hours are over, so I'm afraid you can't stay long." I nod and approach Noiz's bed. Everything inside me aches looking at him. The bandages make him look so frail and I keep remembering how thin he was. I can't stand the idea of him being here all alone. From what he told me, it sounds like he's been alone all his life. He shouldn't have to be alone during such a difficult time, no one should.

So I decide then and there that I'm going to be there for him. I couldn't stop him from jumping, but maybe—just maybe—I can be there for him so that he never feels like he has to do something like that again. "I'll come and see you tomorrow. I promise." I hate to leave him here alone, but I'm exhausted. I need to go home and shower and sleep. But I want to come back tomorrow as early as I can. I don't want him to wake up alone.

I leave Noiz's room and meet Koujaku in the waiting room. "How is he?" Koujaku asks and hands me my food.

"He'll live. They tell me he suffered a concussion and they aren't sure how bad the damage is. I guess we'll find out." We leave the hospital together.

"Does his family know?"

I shake my head. "No. I don't know how to contact them either. His contacts are completely empty."

Koujaku's face falls. "Wow. That's…really depressing…But knowing you, you'll be in to see him." He turns to me with a knowing smile. I nod firmly.

"Yeah. I will."

---

Now fast forward a few hours later. I'm sitting in front of my computer, Skyping with my grandmother. My voice is worn down to a croak, my eyes are so bleary they can barely see the screen and my eyelids weigh a thousand pounds. Grandma is silent, drinking in all that I've told her. "Aoba, I'm very proud of you." Her words fill me with warmth and I smile. My lips tremble and I'm too tired to hold it. "You've grown into such a responsible young man. Your parents would be proud."

It's stupid, but I feel a little choked up. She doesn't tell me this kind of stuff often so I know she means every word.

"I just wish I could have—,"

"Stop that. Be there for him now. That's all you can do." I nod heavily, my chin slumps against my chest. "You'll visit him tomorrow, right?" I nod and my eyes shut. "Before you do, come visit me. If you want to show him that you care about him, I think I know a sure-fire way to do that."

"Alright, Grams."

"Goodnight, Aoba."

"G'night…" She gives me a smile and turns off her webcam. I shut mine off and don't even turn off my computer before I lean right off my chair and crawl into bed. I swear I'm asleep the moment my head hits the pillow.

---

Around 7:00 the next day I catch a train from the university to the Old Residential District of Midorijima. As my train pulls onto the platform, I feel a wave of joy wash over me at the sight of the old buildings and all the advertisements. It's so good to be home. I step off the train and walk down the street. I listen to the familiar chatter and sound of the traffic, breathe in the smell of all the food cooking at the vendors and shops with their doors thrown wide open to attract customers, and feel the hot summer breeze on my skin.

I could walk to my home with my eyes closed. Before I know it, my feet carry me home and despite all that's happened, I smile at the sight of the small, two story home I share with my grandmother. I hurry to the front door and turn my key in the lock. The door opens and excited barking fills my ears. Ren runs to me, his trail wagging frantically, his little pink tongue sticking out his mouth. At the sight of him, I get down on one knee and open my arms. He leaps and I catch him. He showers my face with licks. "Hey, Ren, how are ya, buddy? Huh, how are ya?" He responds with frantic licks and I laugh and hug him tighter. He's been my dog since I was thirteen years old.

"Aoba, is that you? Get in here and help me."

"Coming Grams." I set Ren down and beckon for him to follow me into the kitchen. My grandmother, Tae, is standing at the counter, mixing what looks like cake batter. She smiles at me. "Welcome home."

I grin. "Thanks, Grams. Glad to be home."

"Good, good. Now, go into the cabinets and get me some more flour." I do as she asks.

"Smells good. What are you making?" I ask, plopping down the bag of flour beside her.

"Isn't it obvious, boy? A cake for your friend in the hospital."

"Oh, really? That's nice. He's a big foodie, he'll love it." That is assuming he's in good enough shape to enjoy it, I think bitterly. I hope his concussion didn't mess him up too bad.

"Don't start sulking," Her voice is like a whip crack, "Does he like chocolate or vanilla?"

"Uh…I don't know."

"Alright then, we'll do both." I help Grams make some vanilla and chocolate cream cheese icing. "And you said he likes rabbits, right?" I nod. She produces a rabbit-shaped cake-pan from a grocery bag on the counter. I burst out laughing. I can't believe she's gone to this much effort. She really is the best. I wonder how Noiz will react…I pour the batter into the pan and put it in the oven. While it bakes, we have tea in the living room. Ren naps at my ankles. Once the cake is done and it cools, Grams goes to start spreading the icing.

An idea pops into my head. "Wait." I pull Noiz's phone from my pocket and show her his wallpaper. "I think this is his rabbit. How about we make the cake look like him?"

"Very well. Though I don't imagine eating his own rabbit will make him feel better." Whoa, I hadn't thought of it that way.

"That's not what I—," She waves a hand.

"Hush. It's a lovely idea." So we spread vanilla frosting over the rabbit. We set aside a small amount of the vanilla frosting and turn it a light pink to color the inside of its ears and its tiny nose. Then we use the chocolate frosting to make black spots. It's an adorable cake. I almost don't want anyone to eat it. It looks awesome.

"Alright, take that to him and let me know how he likes it." She puts it in a box and packs two paper plates and some utensils. I put the cake in a bag and turn to her. "Thanks, Grams. I think he'll really like this."

She barks, "Just go, and let him know that he can come over for dinner whenever he's recovered." I'm not sure Noiz will be too comfortable with the idea, but I like the thought.

"Alright. See you in a little while." I give Ren a goodbye pat on the head and catch a train to the hospital.

---

I step into Noiz's room and find him sleeping. The blinds are down, so it's a little dark in here. I take the cake out of the bag and set it on his bedside table. I don't cut it. I want to see his face when he recognizes the rabbit. If he does. While I wait for him to wake up, I pull on my headphones and close my eyes as I lose myself in the music. I'm still so tired. I could almost fall asleep right now.

The song I'm listening to ends and before I can play another, I hear a groan to my left. I look over and find Noiz blinking his eyes open. I'm not sure what to do. It's going to be really awkward if his head injury altered his memory. Noiz's eyes open and he rotates his neck a little, a grimace on his face. He looks at me and a look of surprise settles on his face.

"Hey." Noiz stares me. "Do you remember me?"

"Yeah. Aoba…" Noiz's voice is a dry croak. I breathe a small sigh of relief.

"Ah…That's good. I wasn't sure what I was gonna say if you woke up and didn't know me."

Noiz is silent. He no longer looks surprised. Honestly, to me, he looks lost. "So…I failed, then." I can't read his emotions through his tone.

"To be fair, you did nearly succeed. You kinda landed on your arm though, so the blow was softened I guess." Noiz glances at his arm, the one in the cast bound against his chest.

He sighs. "What kind of loser can't even kill himself properly?" He chuckles. It's honestly a dreadful sound.

"How are you feeling?"

Noiz heaves his shoulders up…then drops them. He winces a little. "Like I don't know what the hell to do with myself."

I can't imagine how he must be feeling. "Well, you're alive, whether you want to be or not."

Noiz clicks his tongue, curling his upper lip. "Good for me." I ignore him and stand up to get the cake.

"Yeah, it is good for you. You shouldn't punish yourself because of the shitty things your parents did."

"Wasn't any of your business…"

I whirl around to look at him. "Excuse me?"

"Whether I died or not shouldn't have been any of your business."

I start to see red. "Says the guy who told me right to my face that he was going to kill himself."

"I didn't think you'd care."

"Well I do, so get over it. If you really didn't want anyone getting involved you shouldn't have spent time talking to me instead of just getting it over with." I regret my words a little. I don't mean he should have leaped off, I just wish he'd stop contradicting his own actions.

"You didn't have to come after me either, or try and talk me out of it." Noiz points out. He doesn't sound bitter or angry. He sounds almost like he's trying to figure me out. I guess being deprived of love from his parents made any and all acts of kindness towards him a completely alien concept.

"Yeah, I guess not. But that's not who I am." As the saying goes, my grandmother didn't raise a fool. Noiz is quiet, probably run all out of arguments. I pick up the cake box and turn to him. "My grandmother made you this. It's a cake. Wanna have some?"

Noiz looks over at me, a light in his eyes. "Cake? Sure." I grin. I figured he wouldn't be able to resist. I set the box down on his lap and open it for him. Noiz looks down when I open the box for him and a look of pure surprise engulfs his face. "That's Midori." He looks up at me in astonishment.

"I saw the picture on your phone. I suggested to my grandmother that we make the cake look like him. It's a he?"

"Yeah…" Noiz just stares down at the cake, lips parted, green eyes wide. I've never seen him look so speechless. I go to get some knives and forks from the bag and when I look back, I'm frozen. The lighting is dim, but there's no mistaking the smile on his face. It's the smallest smile I've seen, but it softens his face and completely lights up his eyes. It's not much, but if he can smile like that, maybe he's not so far gone.

"Want a piece?" I ask, bringing the utensils over. Noiz nods, his smile gone, and I cut a small piece for him. "Here."

Noiz says, "Thank you." He says it with an American accent. I stare at him, not sure if I should be amused or annoyed. It sounds obnoxious. Noiz suddenly looks confused. "What?" I ask.

"I…can't move my arm."

"Which one?

"My left arm." It's his uninjured one. I frown. That doesn't sound good at all.

"Maybe it's asleep? Keep trying."

"I am! I can't move it." I look at his left arm. The fingers are twitching, but the arm itself isn't rising off the bed.

"Want me to get your doctor?" The words are barely out of my mouth when Noiz slowly raises his arm off the bed. He rotates it left and right

. "I…think its fine now." I cut him a slice of cake and hand him a fork. His fingers can't close around it. I hold it steady for him. I'm beginning to think the concussion may have impacted something after all. Finally, his fingers close around the fork. He tries to position his fingers and they slip and slide all over each other. The fork falls from his hand and lands on the cake. Noiz's face darkens and he can't meet my gaze.

"Don't worry, this might just be temporary."

He reaches down and tries to pick up the fork. His hand starts to shake and he digs his fingers into the icing instead. He withdraws his hand sharply. "Being alive is gonna be a blast." I scowl and snatch up his fork. I cut a small piece of cake and press the cake to his lips.

"Just eat it and shut up." Noiz practically pouts down at the cake. Then he sticks out his tongue, wraps it around the fork, and draws the cake into his mouth. The sight sends a surprising thrill through my stomach. I thought I saw a piercing on his tongue. Why am I not surprised?

Noiz chews, still glowering. Then his face clears. He swallows, looks at me and says, "This is good." I almost smirk. No one can resist my grandmother's cooking.

"More?" I offer, cutting him another sliver.

"Bigger." I cut off a bigger piece. "Bigger." I roll my eyes and cut the slice in half.

"Good enough?" I extend the fork in his direction and he opens his mouth wide and eats the cake off it, chewing rigorously. He hasn't even swallowed yet before he looks expectantly my way. I spear the remaining slice with my fork and hold it out to him. I can't get over what a sweet tooth this punk kid has. Noiz has polished off his slice in a matter of seconds. "I bet you really could have eaten all that food you got yesterday." I marvel.

Noiz shrugs. "That wasn't even a very big slice."

I snort. "Yeah, you could eat this whole cake in under a minute…" Noiz looks from me to the cake. "No, don't—!" Noiz digs right in, pressing his face into the frosting. "Hey!" I stare in astonishment, my mouth hanging open. Noiz bites a chunk of the cake's ear off. His cheeks bulge with it. He chews wildly, his mouth covered in vanilla and chocolate frosting. There's even some on his eyebrows. I can't help myself; I fall back against my seat, laughing fit to burst, all the while feeling Noiz's eyes on me. I can't believe this guy.

"What's so funny?" His voice is indistinguishable.

"D-don't eat like that, you idiot! You'll—you'll choke! I believe you, alright?" I'm gasping for air. I don't remember the last time I've laughed so hard. "You survived a massive fall; don't choke to death on cake!" I raise my hands in surrender and Noiz watches me, bemused.

"I didn't survive, I failed." Noiz says and I look him in the eyes.

"No, Noiz, you survived."

Noiz looks away and down at the cake. "…Have any napkins?"

"Sure." I grab a handful and he tries to take them. He grabs them clumsily in his fist and mashes them against his face. I can't watch this. "Give 'em here." I take them and begin to clean up his face I wipe around his lips, clean off his cheek, and then move onto his eyebrow. I snort with laughter. I swear, I'll never forget the image of this guy diving face first into the cake. Noiz laughs and I jolt away from him. The sound is so unexpected; it's child-like and free. "W-what?" This guy is one surprise after the next.

"Nothing. The napkins tickled my nose." Is this guy for real? He's smiling now, really smiling and my mind goes completely blank. He almost looks cute, no, he is cute. How I can possibly fit Noiz and cute into the same sentence is mind-blowing. I can't believe myself. I sound super fucking gay. Which I am, but it's really not something I want to get into right now. In fact, it's something I try not to get into ever, period. I'm so embarrassed I try not to look into his face for the next several seconds. He watches me the whole time and it makes the back of my neck burn.

I don't think this can mean anything good for me.

---

Noiz is hospitalized for two months. My schedule is busy but without school work it's not hectic. I go to my part time job at the electronics store at 4:00. In my spare time I browse the web for medical schools I might like. I visit Noiz at least every day at 1:00. Whenever I'm on the train to see him, my stomach is a mess and I can't seem to stand still. When I see the hospital in the distance, my heart jumps into my throat and when I'm walking through the halls towards his room, my heart won't stop pounding. When I see him sitting in bed, my stomach does somersaults and when he turns to look at me and greets me with his laid back, "Yo." I grin so widely it almost hurts.

I don't have to be a genius to figure out what's going on with me. I'm a 24 year old man with a high school girl's crush on a guy six years younger than me. How pathetic am I? What am I thinking? Noiz is only nineteen, he's emotionally constipated, and to top it off, I can't tell if he's gay or not. Am I a masochist or something?

Besides, there's no way Noiz feels the same way, even if he is gay. A, because—as I said—he's emotionally constipated and B, because he's got so much going on right now. The concussion messed up his fine motor skills. He has to learn how to use his hands all over again. He has to practice picking up things like utensils and pencils, and he has to practice catching and throwing a ball to his doctor across the table from him. Sometimes I'll wait outside the rehabilitation room so I can watch. Sometimes he does pretty well, other times he drops what he's holding, or he can't release the ball from his fist. This happened once and he slammed his hand down on the table and just lay there for nearly a minute. The memory still hurts to think about. It must feel like he's learning to walk all over again.

I have no idea if he still thinks about killing himself or not. When I see him he seems happy. He talks a lot, mostly about video games, sometimes he taunts me or says something to try and provoke me. But he doesn't look the way he did that day on the rooftop, so I'm glad. As for the way I feel about him…I don't know what to do. My sexuality has always been an uncomfortable topic; it hasn't done me any good either. Every date I've gone on with a guy has just never felt right, so I haven't told any of my friends or my grandmother. I just don't know how they'll react, but at the same time, I can't stand hiding a part of myself from them. But would they approve? Koujaku is straight as an arrow, Mizuki is too, and Clear is what Mizuki calls 'Aoba-sexual'. Maybe once I find the right person, I'll tell them. Maybe.

Besides, it's just a crush. It will go away. The last thing I want to do is stress Noiz out or ruin our friendship. Because we are friends; I'm certain of that, and what we have is good for him.

That doesn't mean I haven't thought about what it might be like to kiss him. There are times when he does something so uncharacteristically cute, I swear I can hardly hold myself back. I can't do it. Noiz needs a friend in his life right now. It's my job and my pleasure to be that friend. But dammit sometimes I hate my job. Noiz is set to be released from the hospital at the end of this month. It's still a few weeks away, but I'm excited for him. It'll be exciting to spend time with him once he can actually walk around. I want to take him someplace special.

On the last week of Noiz's hospitalization, I take a trip to a game store in my neighborhood. Noiz's hand isn't quite well enough to use a controller, so Noiz has been playing video games on his gaming laptop. He's told me that he has a PS3 at his campus house and that his favorite game to play on it is this game called Dark Souls. He's mentioned repeatedly how much he misses playing it. I want to buy him the PC version of the game, just so he has something to keep him distracted during his last week here.

I buy him a copy of the game and take the train up to the hospital. The train is slow, so I'll be fifteen minutes late. My stomach is jumping around inside me. I'm happy I had the idea to buy this for him; I almost wish I'd thought of it sooner. Another reason I'm not boyfriend material, people; I'm so damn slow when it comes to this kind of stuff. He's so adorable when he talks about games. He could talk about them forever and when he plays them on his laptop, he gets sucked into another world and I always wind up watching him more than I watch the game. He's such a fucking geek and I love that about him.

Finally my train arrives near the hospital and I hurry to my destination. I enter the lobby and hurry to the elevator. "Excuse me, Seragaki-san?" It's the woman at the front desk. "You're here to see the young man in room three on the first floor?"

"Yeah, why?" I'm a little worried.

"He's been moved to the fourth floor, closest to the rehabilitation room. He's in room six." That's good that they finally moved him. I thank her and take the elevator up to the fourth floor, though I nearly hit the button for the first floor purely out of habit. My excitement mounts inside me and I hurry to Noiz's room and open the door. His bed is empty. I step inside and look around. The door to the small shower/toilet combo is open and no one is inside, either.

Noiz's rehabilitation always happens around two o'clock and it's only one thirty. I have no idea where he could be. I take a seat and wait for him. Two minutes go by. I grow nervous. He's been in a really good mood these past few months, but depression just sneaks up on you. What if—? I shake the thought away as best I can, but the idea has already been rooted in my mind. I can't shake it now. I take my phone from my pocket and call him. Something buzzes loudly on the bedside table. It's Noiz's phone.

Shit, where is he? I'm breathing a little bit harder now and my stomach is twisting itself into knots. I can't sit here, not with these awful thoughts in my head, and considering what happened the last time I had these thoughts, I know that ignoring them is dangerous. I jump to my feet and hurry to the door. I don't even know where to look but if I don't find him soon—

I open the door and it collides into something on the other side. When I see who it is, I let out an exclamation of shock. I opened the door and slammed it right into Noiz's face. I'm such an idiot! "Are you okay?" I hope he didn't hurt his broken arm. Oh man, if I've set him back a month he's going to kill me. I help him to his feet.

"Yeah. Can't feel pain, remember?"

"So? What if I've made your arm worse?" I help him inside and he wriggles away from me and sits down on his bed. "Don't blow me off! I'm serious. I'm going to call your doctor."

Noiz sighs. "I fell on my back, mother-hen." I look over at him. I hope he's not lying just so I'll leave him alone.

"Really, you didn't hit anything?" Noiz shakes his head. "Alright, then." I relax a little, though part of me still wants to call the doctor just to make sure.

"You'll be a good doctor, you know. Your patients will get better ten times faster so they can get away from you."

I pout at him. "What a brat. I'll just be taking this away from you, then." I pick up the plastic bag I brought in with me. Noiz's eyes latch onto the rectangle shape in the bag.

"What's that?"

I shrug and stand up. "Who can say? You'll never know now." Noiz jumps up and grabs my wrist. His hand is warm and his grip is tight. His motor skills are getting better fast. I hope to God he doesn't notice just how fast my pulse is beating through my wrist. Noiz removes his hand from my wrist and I pull away from him. His fingertips brush my palm and skim over my fingers. My hand tingles just from that. Noiz snatches the bag away and takes my gift out. His whole face lights up.

"You got Dark Souls for me?" He looks up with me with glowing eyes, though his face remains relatively dead-pan. His voice is light and warm.

God dammit, he's too fucking cute. "Y-yeah, I did. I know you told me the PC port is bad, but it'll do until you're released, right?" Noiz stares down at the game in his hand, then he gives me one of his rare smiles. My heart is pounding fast and I have to remind myself to breathe.

"Thank you." He says it in his stupid, fucking, American accent and it kills the moment. Noiz pulls out his laptop and I hurry over in case he drops it. His hand shakes violently but he heaves it into his lap. He starts up his laptop and pops the game CD in to install it.

"If you want you can stay and watch," he tells me, "You've never lived 'till you've played a Souls game."

I grin. "Really, they're that good?"

He nods, his eyes all aglow. "The best." While the game installs, I sit on his bed beside him. We sit close together, close enough that our bodies touch and I can feel his warmth through his hospital gown. It's something we've always done. I don't know if he notices or if he cares. I like it and it only makes me wish I could actually touch him. I've only known him for maybe four months now, but it feels like he's been a part of my life for ages. We're so comfortable with each other. We can fight, casually insult each other, or do childish things like poke each other and we don't question it. The only other person I feel this comfortable with is Koujaku, and even then this is different. There's heat here. Maybe I'm the only who feels it, I'm sure I am…

"Where were you?" Noiz stares down at the screen and doesn't look at me.

"Oh, the train was slow, that's all." I explain and Noiz nods. Why is he asking? Was he worried? "Lonely?"

"Shut up."

I smirk. "Testy today, huh?" Noiz glowers down at the screen. What's with his face? Is he…annoyed at me for being late? The idea makes me so happy, but with Noiz, I am never sure what he's thinking.

"I'm sorry, Noiz. The train was slow; I couldn't do anything about it."

"I don't care." Noiz's voice is cold and he still doesn't look at me. I can't believe this. He's acting like a pouty immature kid because I was late coming to see him. A sudden thought bursts into my head and I'm left breathless.

"Noiz, were you looking for me?"

Noiz brings his face closer to the screen. "No. I was using the toilet."

I can't believe this. "You have a toilet right there!" I point to the tiny bathroom in the far corner of the room.

He scowls. "You were taking a long time. Considering how stupid some people are, I thought maybe no one had told you I'd been moved and that you were hanging around my old room like an idiot. So I went to look for you."

Noiz glares into the screen like his life depends on it. This guy is so exasperating. I engulf him in my arms and pull him down on the mattress beside me. "Hey, what're you—?"

"I missed you, too. I'll get here early next time, I promise."

"I don't—," I hold him tightly to me and Noiz goes quiet. His face is on my shoulder and we're nearly nose to nose when I look at him. My heart is beating fast. He's got the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen. We're close enough that I can see freckles on his nose. He doesn't shy away from my gaze, he holds it and all I can think about is how close we are.

"A-Although, to be fair, this is the only time I was late," I start to sweat a little under his gaze. "So, you're kinda being unreasonable—," Noiz props himself up on his uninjured arm and leans over me and I shut my big stupid mouth.

Noiz leans in close and I don't try to stop him. I don't want to stop him. Everything I thought I knew about him is thrown into turmoil. Why is he doing this? Does he like me? Is he just screwing with me? We're nose to nose. I feel his breath against my lips and I know he isn't screwing with me. His eyes are lidded; I can just barely feel his lips against mine.

"Noiz-san, it's time for you to meet Dr. Usami in the rehabilitation—," The nurse drops her clipboard and my face is so hot, steam could have gushed from my ears. Noiz's stare is burning holes right through the nurse. She stutters and flees the room. Noiz huffs and climbs off the bed. I lie there, in a state of shock. Noiz was about to kiss me. The guy I've been crushing on for at least two months now was about to kiss me.

Noiz says, "I'll be back in a few…" He doesn't sound like himself and he doesn't meet my gaze. He leaves the room and the door closes behind him. I raise my hands above my head and drop my fist over my eyes. What the hell is going on with us? I don't even know what the hell we are anymore…

I lie there for what feels like ages. Then Noiz comes back. I look up at him. We stare at each other. Noiz is shameless as always and seems to have no trouble holding eye contact with me, but I can't meet his gaze. He doesn't speak to me, though. The silence grows unbearable. Noiz's laptop beeps and I jump up to look, desperate for a distraction. "Uh, your game is done. How about we play for a bit? I don't have to be at work for an hour and a half, so…"

"Sure." Noiz settles into bed beside me and I sit beside his pillows. Noiz pulls his laptop into his lap and starts the game. A cutscene appears, giving us a vague description of the game's lore and the events leading up to the first scene in a depressing place called the Undead Asylum.

"This is pretty cool, but kinda confusing. What the heck is The Flame, and why were there Lord Souls by it?" I ask.

Noiz says, "We'll learn more about the nature of souls later. Right now we have to escape the Asylum. There's a boss here."

"Wow, this early?" I exclaim.

Noiz's character enters a very large, empty building. Halfway into the room, a massive, hideous demon leaps down from the roof. "Whoa! They don't expect you to fight this guy, do they?"

Noiz rushes at the massive demon and it swings a club at him. He dodges and winds up between the demon's chunky legs. "Yeah. If you kill it now you get its hammer." Noiz slashes at it. He's doing shit for damage.

"All you have is a broken straight sword!" I grin from ear to ear and lean in closer, watching with wide eyes as Noiz evades the demon's swing and concentrates on staying behind it.

"It's not hard. At least he doesn't do that stupid AoE that the Stray Demon does. If I'm careful, I can—," Noiz's character gets hit. The hit knocks away half his health bar.

"Heal, stupid!"

"I don't have anything to heal with yet."

"What?"

I cover my mouth with my hands to suppress my laughter. "Shut up. I can do this. He's really, really—," Noiz gets hit a second time and dies instantly. The game tops it all off with a nice little message; YOU DIED.

"No kidding." I say and Noiz sighs.

"Dammit…" He growls. "My stupid hand keeps acting up. I haven't died to this boss in ages…"

"Keep trying." I just want to watch him beat this massive demon with a broken sword. Noiz doesn't beat the boss by the time I have to go to work, but when I leave he's still trying. I haven't seen him this excited in ages about anything. I'm happy I could make him feel good.

---

Finally, after two whole months, Noiz is released on August the 1st. He still has some trouble with his hand and his other arm is still broken, but he was deemed fit for release. On the way out the doors, Noiz's doctor hands him a card for a therapist he knows. "Give her a visit all right? The last thing I want is you back here again because of a botched suicide attempt."

"Then next time I'll do a better job." I whack him upside the head.

"Would you stop saying shit like that?" He's so dead-pan it's hard to tell if he is serious or not.

"I'm not going to try and kill myself again," Noiz replies, "My arm's finally healing and my hand is still messed up. Think I wanna make it worse?" He snatches his doctor's card and stuffs it in his pocket. We step out into the streets and Noiz stops beside me. "Taking it all in?" I ask, grinning at him. It must feel great to be back outside again. Noiz takes in a breath of fresh air and looks around. The sun has just gone down. It's getting dark a little earlier now. Fall is coming fast. In a week I'll be graduating and doing…something else. I still haven't found a med school that I like yet.

"It feels good." Noiz tells me.

"I bet. So, now that you're free, what do you wanna do? Wanna grab a bite to eat?"

"Yeah, but at home." Noiz begins to walk. "It's Monday, so my roommate is probably out partying. I'll have the house to myself."

"So you don't have anyone to cook for you?"

"I can make food myself."

"You had trouble opening the door to your room. I can help you cook." Noiz sighs but doesn't argue. We take the train from the hospital to Noiz's house. During the train ride, Noiz glances at me.

"I'm no longer your problem, you know."

I look over, confused. "What do you mean?"

Noiz says. "You made up for not being able to stop me from jumping. There's no reason for you to take care of me anymore." A stab of hurt goes right through my chest.

A sudden insecurity latches onto me and before I can shake it, I ask, "So…so is that how you've seen it this whole time? I'm just taking care of you because I feel like I have to?" I try to keep my voice casual. I can't believe he'd really think that way after how close we've been the last two months.

"Isn't that how you've seen it?" He's giving me this searching look. Oh. So was he just trying to figure out my intentions?

"No. Not at all. In fact, I've been looking forward to actually going places with you now." Noiz's brows furrow. He looks confused. That wasn't the answer he was expecting at all, I'm sure.

"You're…strange." He tells me, his gaze leaves me and travels to the window, at the buildings that speed by below the bridge we travel over.

"Says you…How so?"

"Everyone I've ever known has abandoned me. My parents, my brother, though he did try and talk to me when I was locked in my room. People either ignore me or they pick fights with me, so to have you just hanging around me of your own free will is…strange."

"Is it a good kind of strange?" I hope it is. Noiz is silent. I almost wish I hadn't asked.

"Yeah. It is." I wipe my brow. =Noiz scoffs at me and I chuckle at his reaction.

"What can I say? This is what friends do." Noiz is silent, but he isn't searching me with his eyes or averting his gaze from mine. He looks relaxed.

"Good. It would be a serious pain in the ass if you just left after being so annoying for months on end."

A comfortable silence falls between us. We sway to the rhythm of the train and I look down at my feet. I swallow down the urge to ask if he sees us as more than friends, I don't dare voice it. Honestly, I'm starting to think Noiz is just completely disinterested in the idea of having a physical relationship with anyone. And yet, yet, these stupid feelings of mine persist.

We step off the train and walk to Noiz's place. "We're here." I look up and gasp. His campus house looks like a mansion! I didn't even know they made student houses like this. He turns the key in the lock and steps inside. The bottom floor is massive. There are three doors to the right and one door to the left and a big staircase leading up. "To the left is the living room," Noiz explains, slipping off his shoes. "To the right is the dining room and kitchen." I hurry into the living room. The couch looks like it must be at least a thousand dollars and there's a massive wall-mounted TV. I can't believe my eyes. I hurry into the next room and discover the dining room. It's got a massive table that can fit eight chairs around it and a small chandelier hanging over the table, as well as a few gorgeous paintings and a bust of the university's founder. The kitchen is gorgeous, too. It's got all the latest appliances and marble floors.

"This place is stunning! How the heck do you even afford it?" I ask him.

Noiz shakily pours himself some water and says, "My parents are insanely rich." He says it like everyone's parents are insanely rich.

"Seriously? How come you never told me?" I ask. I walk into the living room and he follows me.

"Usually when I tell people that, they figure they can get whatever they want from me." That sounds like a pretty good excuse not to tell anyone. But why would he assume I would be the same way? It's nothing personal, I guess. He's got so many defenses up. Besides, he's showing me now. That must mean he trusts me not to take advantage of him. Noiz hurries by me, bumping into my arm. He kneels down before a big wire cage and pulls out a small, black and white rabbit as it hops close to the bars to greet him.

"Midori?" I hurry over to say hi. Noiz sets the rabbit in his lap and strokes its fluffy back.

"You can pet him if you want. He's practically a dog." I reach out and pet the rabbit's small head. He's soft as can be.

"He's precious. I have an animal, too."

Noiz looks up in interest. "Really?"

"Yeah, a dog. His name is Ren." Noiz looks down at his rabbit and strokes its long ears. Noiz looks adorable holding such a small, cute creature. Noiz takes the rabbit to the kitchen and returns with a carrot for him. He sets up a play-pen around Midori's cage and throws down a few toys for him.

"My roommate's good at feeding him, but Midori's probably been cooped up in here for months." Noiz tells me, frowning at the thought. "

Why did you call him Midori? You know it's Japanese for green, right?"

Noiz nods. "He was wearing a green paper ribbon around his neck when I got him."

I plop down on the couch and Noiz clumsily picks up the remote control. "Need help?" He switches on the TV and sits down beside me. I sprawl back against the couch. This is the softest couch I've ever sat on. I almost feel unworthy of being the one to sit on it. Silence falls between us. I'm in Noiz's house and we're alone together. My stomach jumps a little at the thought and I feel warm around the back of my neck.

While we watch TV, Midori hops around in his playpen, munching on rabbit treats, his nose twitches left and right. I return my gaze to the TV and sigh softly without really realizing it. What does it matter if my feelings go unreturned? Having a real friend is good for Noiz. Beside me, I feel Noiz shift and I glance over. My heart jumps into my throat a little. Noiz has moved closer to me and he's staring intently into my face. "Uh…Noiz, what—?"

"Aoba," My heart beats faster when he says my name. He's just staring at me, his eyes locked on mine. "I'm hungry." He jerks a thumb towards the kitchen. I want to punch him in the face. Of course.

"So?" I look away from him. I sound much harsher than I mean to.

"You said you'd help me make food. I want to make one of those rabbit cakes your grandmother made."

"Oh. Sure, fine. Alright." I stand up and walk around him, my face burning. What the hell was I expecting? I'm such a moron. Noiz still has the rabbit cake pan Grams bought, so we set about preparing the recipe. I get down some bowls and Noiz gets flour, eggs and whatever else we may need. Noiz drops the eggs onto the counter and I jump. "Hey, take it easy. Don't put too much strain on your hand, alright?" I dump flour into the bowl. Noiz tries to crack an egg but smashes it against the bowl.

He scowls. "All that rehab and my stupid gimp hand is still acting as broken as before."

I don't like seeing him down, so I toss him an egg. He catches it effortlessly. "You couldn't have done that two months ago. It'll get better." He sighs and cracks the egg a little more carefully and adds it to the flour. Once the batter is made, we start making the icing. Or I do. Noiz keeps sticking his finger in it. "Hey, if you keep eating it, there won't be any left!" I snatch the bowl away and add a little more powdered sugar to the icing and stir it more.

"It's good. Try some." Noiz swirls his finger in the chocolate icing and puts his finger to my lips. I jolt away from him.

"I'm not licking it off your finger!" Dear God, I want to. "Have you even washed your hands since we got off the train?" What kind of a doctor am I? I didn't even tell him to wash his hands before we started making this cake.

"You're anal as fuck…" Noiz huffs and licks his finger clear. He shuts his eyes in bliss. "Delicious…" I glare down into the bowl of icing I'm stirring. If he keeps doing stuff like that, I'm going to have a really hard time convincing myself he isn't gay. He's not. He's just really, really weird. Can't he at least be bisexual? Then I know I have some chance with him. Something cold is smeared all over my face.

"Hey!" Noiz withdraws his hand, covered in chocolate icing, and smirks.

"It's what you get for spacing out."

I shove my hand in the vanilla icing and smash a fistful of it all over Noiz's face. "You little brat!" Noiz licks some off his cheek, then grins evilly and grabs a handful of chocolate icing and throws it at me. It splashes all over my shirt and some of it gets on my cheek. I close my eyes to try and keep any from getting in and when I open them, Noiz is smiling brightly at me. How am I even supposed to be annoyed at him? I throw more icing at him. Noiz puts his hand over his face to block, licks the back of his hand clean, then he reaches into the bowl. He reaches in far too eagerly and the bowl spills right off the counter. Noiz loses his balance and my heart flies into my throat. I catch him beneath the arms but lose my balance as well.

We crash to the floor and Noiz's weight is atop me. He's heavy and the back of my head hit the ground really hard, but at least I shielded his fall. "Are you alright?" I ask him, checking to make sure he didn't fall on his broken arm.

"Yeah. Are you?" His voice is muffled, buried in my chest. His voice sends vibrations through me. I hope he doesn't feel how fast my heart is beating. Noiz lifts his head from my chest and our faces are inches apart. I feel his breath in slow puffs against my lips. I can see the freckles dotting his nose, the hints of amber close to the center of his eyes, I can smell him. He smells like clean laundry and soap. It's not a fragrance brand or anything, but it gets to me. I want him more than I've ever wanted anything else and if I don't move away from him, I'm going to do something stupid and ruin everything.

"We…we really made a mess of your kitchen. Sorry. That was really irresponsible of me. We should—," Noiz pushes his lips up against mine and my words die in a sharp gasp.

His lips are soft and he tastes like chocolate frosting. His hand travels through my hair so gently, I barely even feel it. My eyes close and I lose myself in it. I could die right now and I would die a happy man. Then Noiz pulls away and both our eyes open. "What was that for?" I ask him.

"It was a physiological reaction."

I snort. "Sure…"

Noiz insists, "If someone throws a punch at you, you dodge, if something falls, you want to catch it—,"

"If you're lying on top of a guy, you kiss him?"

"Yeah." I let my head fall back against the tiles. I chuckle.

"So, the moment didn't feel right to you? You didn't look deeply into my eyes, hear some sappy song in your head, and realize that all along, you've been madly, hopelessly—," Noiz kisses me firmly. I don't care why he did it. I'm just so damn happy he did. I return his kiss as best as I can. I'm not the best and I'm scared it shows. I've only done this maybe twice and never with someone that I liked this much.

If I'm bad, Noiz doesn't care. His tongue runs over my lips and I let him in. His tongue rubs against mine and sends a jolt of electricity throughout my whole body. I return the gesture and he sighs in response. The sound sends blood rushing right to my cock and I tangle my hands in his hair and tug him in closer. His hair is just as soft as I thought it would be. His hand runs up my shirt, over my stomach and my chest and then back down and traces each of my ribs. His hand feels so hot against my skin.

We break the kiss; the both of us are breathless. Noiz lays his head against my chest and I wrap my arms tight around his shoulders, my hand holds the back of his head. Noiz doesn't remove his hand from beneath my shirt. He keeps it there, running his fingers over my ribs. Then his hand settles right where my heart is. "It's beating fast." Noiz remarks, a little smugness in his voice. I hide my face in his hair.

"Shut up…"

I want to lie here with him for the rest of my life. I can't imagine anything better.

"I…don't know what to do." I look down at the younger man I'm holding tightly to my chest.

"Huh? Just lying like this is fine."

Noiz shakes his head. "That's not what I meant. Usually by now we'd be in my bed." Usually?

"You've…done this before?"

Noiz nods against my chest. "Yeah, with other guys."

I want to strangle myself. I can't believe it. For two months now I've been agonizing over our relationship and it turns out he was into guys all along? "But it never means anything to me," Noiz continues, completely unaware of my inner fury. "It's always pointless and they leave immediately afterwards. I…I don't want it to be that way with you." My frustration subsides and I find myself holding him tightly. "At the same time, I'm not boyfriend material. I'm probably not capable of making anyone happy."

"Yeah, you are. You make me impossibly happy. But I get it. We can go as fast or as slow as you want." Noiz nods against my chest, but he's still tense in my arms. "Look, no matter what you decide, nothing's going to make me think less of you."

"I know that. I don't get how you do it, but you do."

"Do what?"

"See the best in me, even when I can't see it myself."

""Of course I can do that. I…I really like you, Noiz." Noiz hums in response and I find myself asking, "Do you…like me, too?"

Noiz snorts. "Isn't it obvious?" I laugh nervously and hold him tightly. I'm so happy I could burst.

We clean up the spilled icing and I can't help but chuckle at the reminder of the game we played that led up to all of this. Being around Noiz makes me feel like a kid again.

---

The week leading up to my graduation is blissful. I hang out with Mizuki, Clear and Koujaku as much as I can; I help my grandmother cook dinner and walk Ren as often as I can. I work hard at the electronics store and I make plans to visit a med school in my neighborhood that I like. I see Noiz whenever I can and even then, it's not enough. Whenever I'm not near him, he's all I can think about; I just want to touch him, hear him, smell him.

I feel like a 14 year old when I'm with him. I can't keep my hands off him, he drives me absolutely crazy. We haven't had sex yet, which is fine. I'm not with Noiz because I'm hoping for a quick screw. So far my favorite time spent with him consists of us watching a movie on his massive TV screen, getting bored of said movie and making out on the sofa, and cuddling when we're too breathless to continue. We talk about anything and everything under the sun, sometimes he says stupid shit that pisses me off and I'll give him a hard time about it, but then immediately after he'll tell me he's hungry, so we go out to eat.

Noiz spoils me a bit, too. A day before my graduation, he took me out to the most extravagant restaurant I've ever been to. While there, I eat the most delicious food I've ever tasted and then he has a limo drive us out to the beach and we walk together. Despite the fact that we're both wearing suits, Noiz pulls me down into the sand with him and kisses me like he'll never get the chance to do so again. As blissful as our relationship is so far, Noiz will sometimes get this sad look on his face when we're together. Most often, it's when he thinks I'm not looking. When we lay on the beach together that night, he held me tightly to him with this deeply sad look in his eyes. No matter how many times I ask about it, he doesn't answer.

I'm worried. I hope he isn't drifting into dangerous territory again.

Finally, the day of my graduation arrives. The ceremony itself is a little anti-climactic actually. There's so much excitement leading up to the moment you walk on stage and accept your degree. But afterwards…it's so boring. Koujaku, Mizuki, Clear and I nearly fall asleep waiting for the ceremony to end. Holding my degree in my hand really does feel great. I'm holding the results of four long years of work in my hand; a piece of paper. Granted it's a piece of paper that will open doors for me at any medical schools of my choice whereas without it, I wouldn't be able to get in. But my work isn't done. Not nearly. Finally, after what seems like years and years, the ceremony ends and my friends and I hurry out into the crowds. My grandmother hobbles over. "Congratulations, boys."

"Congratulations to all of you young, handsome, men!" Yoshie-san shrieks, hurrying over and engulfing the four of us in her massive arms.

"Alright, boys, to the bar," Haga-san announces. "Drinks are on us. At least, the first three are." Through the crowd, I see Noiz. When he catches my eye, he gets to his feet and gives me a smile that makes my heart race.

"Now hold on!" Grandma announces, "Don't drink too much, I want all of you to come over for dinner after your drinks."

My friends agree and I squeeze through the crowd and make my way to Noiz. "Hey, thanks for coming."

Noiz smiles. "It's no problem. Congratulations." He hands me a bouquet of flowers and I gape at them. They're beautiful…and very, very obvious. I look over my shoulder to make sure my grandmother and my friends haven't noticed. They're all busy talking. I quickly take them and put them in my bag.

"Thanks, Noiz." If he notices my embarrassment, he doesn't remark on it, though I see him frown a little. I feel bad. Before I can explain, Noiz leans in just enough to press his lips to the shell of my ear.

"I have another present waiting for you back at my place. It's private; you'll probably appreciate it more."

His teeth find my ear and nibble it. Flustered, I push him away a little, worried about what my friends might think if they see us. "Just…just wait a sec, alright? I can't just run off with you yet. I'll talk to my friends and see if I can meet them a little later." I hurry back to my friends. My stomach is twisting around inside me and my face feels hot despite the weather. Noiz's 'present' definitely isn't anything tame, that's for sure. Am I really ditching my friends to go mess around with my boyfriend? "Hey, guys," Koujaku, Mizuki and Clear look my way. "Something's come up,"—or will come up the moment I'm alone with Noiz, I think—, "I don't think I'll be able to meet you for maybe half an hour or so."

"It isn't serious is it?" Clear asks.

"Uh, no, not really. But it's something important. So, can I meet you a little later?"

"Sure. Don't take too long." Koujaku says, clapping me on the shoulder. Grams, my friends, Haga-san and Yoshie head off into the crowds. I feel two arms around me and a warm pair of lips against my neck.

"All good? Let's go." He takes my hand and leads me away. We're at his place in a matter of minutes. I haven't had time to prepare myself. I'm nervous, I'm excited and my hand is shaking a little. I trust Noiz implicitly, so I know I'm in good hands. But I'm a twenty-four year old virgin for crying out loud. I hope he isn't expecting me to be more experienced than him just because I'm older. What if I disappoint him?

"Coming in?" Noiz is holding the door for me.

"Y-yeah." I step inside and he closes the door behind me. The house is quiet. Midori is hopping around in his cage, the newspaper beneath him crinkling as he hops. Noiz removes his coat and hangs it. I fumble with my buttons. "Your place is quiet," I need something to say to keep from worrying too much, "Is your roommate out?"

"Yeah. His girlfriend graduated today, so they'll probably be out celebrating for a while." No interruptions to worry about. Great. Okay…I hang my coat up and it slips a little and nearly falls off the hanger. Noiz catches it. His motor skills are getting so much better. I'm really proud of him. In only a few months he's come so far from the broken man standing at the edge of the roof. Noiz steps closer to me and I find myself grabbing onto his dress shirt and pulling him close. His lips search for mine and I meet him halfway there.

His tongue probes past my lips and tangles with mine. I run my hands through his hair, down his back and trace the curve of his buttocks through his pants. His hand finds purchase in my hair and tugs hard, pressing my lips even harder against his. He bits down on my lower lip, kisses along my jaw and bites my neck hard enough to make me gasp. Somehow we make our way to the couch and he pushes me down on it. He unbuttons my belt, pushes it off to the side, and then he opens my jeans. "Hard already?" He teases and he rubs me through my briefs. My breath hitches and my toes curl in my sneakers. I'm a bit embarrassed, but not ashamed. I'm so turned on I can barely think.

Noiz wrenches down my jeans and my briefs and I lift up my hips to help him. Noiz takes in the sight of me, fully erect and completely exposed before him. He's paying too much attention to me. I should be doing something, too. "I'll help you out of your clothes." I try to sit up but he pushes me back against the couch.

"I told you this was your present, didn't I? Relax." I feel a bit guilty to let him do all the work, but I do as he asks. I'll be sure to repay him next time we're alone together like this.

Noiz is amazing; his lips glide up and down my length, I feel the cool, hardness of his piercing on the underside of my cock, then he takes me into the back of his throat and I'm a mess as he moans around me. He lifts my leg just slightly onto his shoulder, cups and squeezes my ass, runs his finger—slick with lubricant and a little cold—over my entrance. When his fingers enter me, it's the weirdest feeling and it almost takes away from the experience. Then he finds a spot that completely takes me apart and he messages it with his knuckles, curling his fingers inside me, while he sucks me off. All I can do is tangle my fingers in his hair and quake every time he hits that spot while pleasure courses up and down my cock. Then it's over; I'm biting down on my lower lip hard enough to make it bleed, my ears are ringing and I'm shaking and gasping for air. The muscles in my legs are burning and my abdominal muscles ache almost sickeningly.

I come down from my high and run my fingers through Noiz's hair. Noiz's lips are red and his face is flushed and I think he looks absolutely beautiful. He meets my gaze and leans in close, dragging his lips across my jaw. I wrinkle my nose a little. "At least brush your teeth."

He scoffs and kisses the tip of my nose. "I like the way you taste too much." My face reddens and I put my arms around him and wrap my legs around the back of his knees. Noiz chuckles. "What?" He points to my right. Midori is watching us from the bars of his cage, chewing his jaw up and down.

I slap my hand over my eyes. "Oh God, we've ruined your rabbit!"

Noiz erupts into laughter and I swear it's the sweetest sound I've ever heard. I kiss his cheek and hold his face in my hands and he leans his forehead against mine. He kisses my upper lip and then my bottom lip and I shiver in his arms. His skin is damp with sweat. He got worked up giving me head. He's a little hard too; I can feel him pressing against my leg. "Want me to—?" He shakes his head.

"I'm saving it for you later." My heartbeat quickens. I can't wait 'till then.

"I…have to meet my friends in a while. I'd like you to come. We're going out drinking and then we're going over to my place to eat."

"Sounds fun. Looks like we have some time, though. Let's shower." He pulls me to my feet and I follow him a little shakily to the bathroom. Regardless of what we just did, I still hike my pants back up and Noiz laughs at me.

It turns out he really does have piercings everywhere.

---

Noiz and I shower and leave to meet my friends for drinks. I realize that the Noiz I'm introducing them to holds a different place in my heart than the Noiz that ate lunch with us two months ago. I feel like I should introduce him as who he really is and that if I don't I'll hurt his feelings. My stomach is twisting a little as Noiz and I are waved over to the table Koujaku and my friends are gathered around.

I don't say anything. I don't want to tell them who he really is and when Noiz reaches for my hand under the table, I pull it away from him. Noiz's lips part a little and he looks at me in surprise. I avoid his gaze. "So, Noiz, how are things? You've only been out of the hospital a week now." Mizuki says, looking worriedly across the table at him.

"I'm fine." Noiz's tone sounds cold and disinterested. I want to slap myself.

"Aoba-san, have you found a school yet?" Clear asks.

"I'm getting there," I assure him, trying not to look over at Noiz. "Ah, that's good. You're still looking at schools in America, huh?" He sounds glum. Beside me, Noiz tenses in his seat.

"Uh, well…" I glance Noiz's way and he's staring down into his water glass.

"I haven't decided yet." I feel like I've just ruined all the wonderful things that happened back at Noiz's house.

Later that night all of us gather around my grandmother's table and she serves a feast for us. We eat and talk and Noiz even has a conversation with Clear, though he ends it looking annoyed since all Clear wants to do is talk about jellyfish. By the time we're done eating, I feel so full I could burst. Grams clears the table, glowing from how well her meal was received, and I walk my friends to the door with Noiz. "Thanks for having us, Tae-san!" Koujaku calls.

Mizuki shushes him. "She'll call us back in to do dishes!"

"Run, go!" I hiss and force them out the door, laughing as they hurry away down the street. I turn to Noiz and offer him a smile. This was so much fun. I'm so happy he could meet Ren and my grandmother. "You should probably run, too; if you don't wash the china just right, she busts a vein." I turn Noiz and walk him backwards to the door, his hands in mine. Before I can let him out, he kisses me deeply.

"Aoba! Get in here and do the dishes!" I shove Noiz away from me as my grandmother bursts into the foyer. "And you," she points at Noiz, "I expect better from Aoba's friends. Come help." To my surprise, Noiz agrees without complaint. He and I head into the kitchen and begin washing up the dishes. We're quiet for the first half, and then halfway through the last few dishes, Noiz turns to me.

"You didn't introduce me as your boyfriend." I nearly drop the bowl I'm rinsing. I'm too guilty to look him in the face.

"I know…I'm sorry."

Noiz looks away and keeps washing. "It's a normal enough thing to do, I guess. If I were you I'd be ashamed of me, too."

I set my bowl aside. "Why the hell are you saying stupid shit like that? I'm not ashamed of you, not at all."

Noiz still isn't looking at me. I take the plate he's washing out of his hands and turn off the water. "How could you say something like that? There's not a single thing about you I'm ashamed of. I'm proud of you! You're washing dishes today when a month ago you couldn't even pick up a fork. Even after all the shitty things that happened to you, you survived to shove your middle finger in life's face. Noiz," My voice is shaking and I'm getting a little choked up, but dammit—

"I love you. I love you, you stupid, crazy, brat." Noiz is looking at me in a way he never has before. I rub furiously at my eyes and laugh shakily. "Got anything sarcastic to say about that?" Noiz opens his mouth but nothing comes out. He's never heard these words before in his entire life and I'm so, fucking, happy I get to be the first person to tell him this.

Noiz pulls me into him and holds me so tightly it almost hurts. We're so close together, I can't tell if it's my heart that's racing, or if I'm feeling his. Maybe it's both. "Sorry." Noiz's voice is wavering a little. "I've been alone since I was a kid, so to have someone that thinks this way about me isn't something I'm used to. I love you too, so much that sometimes I don't even know what to do about it. So stay here with me." My throat is closed too tightly for me to speak so I communicate with actions and kiss him.

I've never heard someone say such sappy things and yet he means every single word. From the moment I met him, Noiz has always been brutally honest. I love that about him. I break the kiss and take his hand. I lead him upstairs, tiptoeing past my grandmother's room on the way up. I open the door to my room and lead him inside and the door's barely closed before his mouths on mine. Our clothes fall away. He explores every inch of my body and I explore his, memorizing every curve and every muscle. My veranda door is open, carrying in the distant chatter of passersby, the honk of a car, and the chirp of the crickets on the breeze. I don't care if anyone hears. Nothing matters except him, and finding room to breathe around heated kisses.

Noiz's arm is still on the mend and I don't want him straining himself, so I sit in his lap and wrap my legs around his waist. I worry that his piercings will hurt but he goes in slow and fills me up completely. I move down onto him and he arches his hips up to meet me; our eyes never leave each other's and he silences every gasp and moan of his name with his lips. He comes undone before my eyes and we lose ourselves in frenzied heat. It's over far too soon. I can barely look at him. He murmurs against my lips, "Practice makes perfect right? You're gonna get lots of practice tonight."

---

"You're gonna get pretty busy soon, right?" Noiz's voice is low in my ear. We're lying side by side on my bed, I'm holding the hand that isn't in his cast, and his head is against my shoulder. I hum in response.

"Kinda, yeah. I want to start medical school early next year." I feel Noiz nod. His hair tickles my shoulder.

"Are you gonna go study in America?" His tone is dark. I look over and his eyes have lost some of their light. I hold his hand tighter.

"At first I thought so, yeah. I thought 'wow, I could go study in America! I could see the world,' and all that stuff. That's true, but if I'm going to travel, I want to be able to get the full experience, not rush to a tourist attraction after class and then rush back to finish my school work. Besides, I have everything I need here. My friends, Grams and Ren, you…"

"So, I'm everything you need?" He's smirking in the most obnoxious, smug way possible and I put my pillow over his face. He wriggles and tries to pull the pillow off with one hand and I realize I'm suffocating a cripple. I take my pillow off and Noiz laughs at me. His face sobers a little and he tells me, "A week ago, my parents finally contacted me. I told them what happened, what I tried to do. They were mortified. They apologized over and over again. I hung up on them. They want me to come home and take over the family business. I don't want anything to do with it." He sits up and stares out the veranda at the night sky. I prop myself up and join him.

"When they called, it just kinda reminded me that everyone I know disappears. They leave me alone. Except you." He takes my hand and holds it tight. "I want to believe that you'll stay here with me. But how are we gonna do this? I've just started my first year here and I have four years of studying ahead of me. You'll get accepted into a med school, you'll get busy, and then…"

His parents called right around the time we started going out. That's when he started acting strangely, looking sad when he thought I couldn't see him. "I'm not leaving, Noiz. Things will get busy, they really will, but let's just try and do what we've been doing, alright?" Noiz nods, but he still looks uncertain. I sigh. "So should we just give up? Run away when things get a little challenging, after all the crap we've been through?"

"I didn't mean that. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. I'm not letting that go." He's so young but he says it with so much certainty that I believe him. I lean over and my lips find his in the dark. I hold his face in my hands and we fall down to the bed together.

We lie there in silence, our fingers woven together, and I whisper, "I'll tell my friends and my grandmother about us. I'll come out to them."

Noiz sits up a little to look at me. "I shouldn't have pressured you about it. You have more people in your life than I do. You have something to lose." But I nod. The idea makes my heart beat really fast, but it's not only because I'm nervous.

"I'm going to tell them. Anyone that makes me feel the way that you do isn't something I should be ashamed of. They're my friends, my oldest friends. They'll understand." Noiz brushes his lips against my cheek and I run my hand along his wrist and up to his fingers.

Another thought comes to me. "About your parents…You don't have to take over the family business. You don't have to do anything for them unless you want to. They made a ton of mistakes, but they're sorry now and they're trying to reach out to you."

In the dark, I see his face harden. "Yeah, and it's because they want me to take over their stupid company, not because they care about me."

"Just listen for a sec, alright? My parents disappeared and for a long time, I was pissed at them. I was violent and got into fights; I did stupid, dangerous things that I thought would make it all better. I was just punishing myself, not them. Look my point is, if you feel like you have it in you to forgive them then—when you're ready—don't shut them out." Noiz is quiet beside me. I don't know if what I said has gotten through, but I've said my piece.

Noiz lays his head on my chest. "I'll think about it. Not promising more than that."

I put my arms around his shoulder. "That's fine..."

Noiz drifts asleep in my arms and I pull my blankets up and cover us. I lie awake for a while longer and listen to Noiz breathing slowly beside me. Noiz is right. Things will get busy and they'll get busy fast. I don't know how often I'll be able to see my friends anymore. I don't know if I'll even be successful in medical school.

Do I have what it takes to be a doctor?

What will Noiz and I become? I want to believe we have a future together, but doesn't everyone with their first love? That doesn't mean I'll get the outcome I want, no matter how badly I desire it.

If he does decide to take over the company, he'll go back to Germany and I'll be left behind. But what if our relationship has grown strong enough that I want to go with him? What then? I'd have to learn another language, adjust to a new culture, say goodbye to my friends and family…

But that's the future and all of this is pure speculation. This is now; tonight he's here beside me and the future is wide open for us to do with as we please. That's all that matters.