Severus Snape: The Spy who taught me
By MeatLoaf the Happy Donkey
[MeatLoaf's Note: This fanfic is the sequel to Severus Snape and the Bathtub of Secrets. It's not necessary to read that one first, but it is recommended. Anyway..Enjoy!]
Voldemort was sitting in an old chair in the Riddle house one night, watching junk mail burn in the fireplace. Suddenly, he got a strange feeling. The kind of feeling he got when a Death Eater was doing something disloyal.
"Wormtail," said Voldemort.
"Yes, Master?" said Wormtail as he nervously made his way over to his master's chair.
"Go to Hogwarts immediately and bring back Severus Snape." Said Voldemort.
"Yes, master." Said Wormtail.
Wormtail slowly walked over to the closet and pulled out a vacuum. He clumsily climbed on and flew out the window.
"That was odd." Said Voldemort.
Meanwhile at Hogwarts.
Severus Snape the hippie was teaching his class to sing.
"Ok, dudes," said Snape. "Like, Repeat after me: Puff the magic dragon lived by the sea, and frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honalee ."
Right after Snape and his class were finished singing, Wormtail flew in through the window on a vacuum cleaner. (which was kind of hard to do since there were no windows in the dungeon.)
"Hi Pete!" said Snape "Do you, like, still have that groovy dragon?"
"What are you talking about?" said Pete, err, Wormtail. "Voldemort wants to see you. He sent me to come and get you."
"Groovy." Said Snape.
Snape hopped onto the vacuum cleaner and flew through the non- existent window. After a half an hour of flying, he finally came to the Riddle House. He smashed through one of the boarded up windows and landed in a chair right across from Voldemort.
"Wassup Voldemort Dude?" yelled Snape.
"I've noticed that you've been giving valuable information to Dumbledore lately." Sid Voldemort. "If this goes on, the will surely find me and have me killed."
"Sorry, dude, but he said that if I told him where you were he'd give me some candy!" said Snape. "And candy is , like, so totally baggy! Ya know?"
"Baggy.?"
"Yeah! It's a groovy new word that I made up." Said Snape. "I've always heard all those wacky teenagers use those weird pop-culture word things like 'cool' and 'groovy' so I decided to make up my own word. My word is 'baggy'."
"What does 'baggy' mean?" asked Voldemort.
"It means 'awesome', dude." Said Snape.
"Well, you're still a traitor and you should be killed."
"Dude! That would not be baggy." Said Snape. "And by the way, if you can call me 'traitor', can I call you 'Voldie Locks'?"
"No!" cried Voldemort.
"Yes! Voldie Locks and the three hairs!" said Snape. "Wait a minute, you don't have any hair."
"No hair." said Voldemort longingly as he leaned back in his chair, obviously sad about his baldness.
"Nope." Said Snape "Not a hair on your head."
Then Snape noticed a stereo set in the corner of the room. He walked over to it and turned it on.
"Cool!" said Snape as he realized that they were playing a song called 'Hair'.
"WAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!" cried Voldemort. "I want my hair!"
"Long beautiful hair!" sang Snape. "Give me down to there, shoulder length or longer."
"Hair!" said Voldemort sadly.
"If you really want some hair, we can always go to the grocery store and buy some of that new hair growing stuff. I think it's called St. John's Warts or something."
"Eeewww!" said Voldemort.
"Wait! I have an even better idea! We can duct tape little bits of dryer lint to your head!" said Snape.
"I don't think that's such a good idea." said Voldemort.
"Don't worry, dude!" said Snape as he placed a wad of dryer lint on the sticky side of a piece of duct tape. "I've done this, like, plenty of times on poodles, ya know?"
"What happened to the poodles?" asked Voldemort.
"They ran away, man. But, like, that doesn't matter. It's like comparing apples and oranges, ya know? Now hold still, dude!"
Snape slapped the tape onto Voldemort's hairless head.
"Now don't you look prettyful!" said Snape cheerfully as he held up a mirror for Voldemort.
"Ahhhhhh!!!" screamed Voldemort when he yanked the tape off his head. "It feels like pulling off a band-aid!"
"Yeah!" said Snape. "Groovy!"
Angrily, Voldemort leapt from his chair and stood facing Snape.
"All you've ever been is a nuisance to me." Said Voldemort through gritted teeth. "You have been giving valuable information to Dumbledore and now you have come to insult me because I have no hair-"
"Mi gato no tiene pelo tompoco." Said Snape. "And, like, I didn't come here on my own, Pete come to get me. Ya know?"
"Oh, I guess you're right." Said Voldemort. Then after a short pause, he continued. "But you're still a traitor and should be killed!"
"Dude!" exclaimed Snape. "Just come off it, man! It's not baggy to kill people, dude!"
"I will kill you, Severus Snape!" said Voldemort triumphantly. "And your little dog, too!
"Dude, I don't have a dog." Snape said flatly.
"No matter, you will be destroyed!"
"Not if I can help it, dude!"
Before Voldemort could say "Avada Kedavra", Snape had apparated back to Hogwarts, right on the edge of the forbidden forest. But unfortunately for him, apparating on Hogwarts grounds was against school rules (and downright impossible for most people) so he was greeted by a flock of angry oompa loompas who had leapt out of the forest as soon as he appeared. Their leader, who was taller than the rest, approached the professor and held a long list of rules in front of his face. Since it was nighttime, Snape couldn't read the rules on the list in the dark. But the oopa loompa leader read the rule for him.
"Rule 4-7-9 Section 3: No witch or wizard shall apparate on Hogwarts grounds under any circumstances." Read the oopa loompa. "Penalty: Detention."
"Dude!" exclaimed Snape. "Like, I can't get a detention, man! I'm a teacher!"
"Rule 2-78-4 Section 7: Rules apply to everyone, including staff."
"Awww, man!"
Then the oompa loopas led Snape up to the castle and told him to report to the North Tower at 7:00 sharp the following night for his detention. As the oompa loompas wandered back to the forest, Snape began to wonder.
"Hey, dude! Isn't Professor McGonagall dealing with the detention students tomorrow?"
[MeatLoaf's Note: So..do you like it?]
By MeatLoaf the Happy Donkey
[MeatLoaf's Note: This fanfic is the sequel to Severus Snape and the Bathtub of Secrets. It's not necessary to read that one first, but it is recommended. Anyway..Enjoy!]
Voldemort was sitting in an old chair in the Riddle house one night, watching junk mail burn in the fireplace. Suddenly, he got a strange feeling. The kind of feeling he got when a Death Eater was doing something disloyal.
"Wormtail," said Voldemort.
"Yes, Master?" said Wormtail as he nervously made his way over to his master's chair.
"Go to Hogwarts immediately and bring back Severus Snape." Said Voldemort.
"Yes, master." Said Wormtail.
Wormtail slowly walked over to the closet and pulled out a vacuum. He clumsily climbed on and flew out the window.
"That was odd." Said Voldemort.
Meanwhile at Hogwarts.
Severus Snape the hippie was teaching his class to sing.
"Ok, dudes," said Snape. "Like, Repeat after me: Puff the magic dragon lived by the sea, and frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honalee ."
Right after Snape and his class were finished singing, Wormtail flew in through the window on a vacuum cleaner. (which was kind of hard to do since there were no windows in the dungeon.)
"Hi Pete!" said Snape "Do you, like, still have that groovy dragon?"
"What are you talking about?" said Pete, err, Wormtail. "Voldemort wants to see you. He sent me to come and get you."
"Groovy." Said Snape.
Snape hopped onto the vacuum cleaner and flew through the non- existent window. After a half an hour of flying, he finally came to the Riddle House. He smashed through one of the boarded up windows and landed in a chair right across from Voldemort.
"Wassup Voldemort Dude?" yelled Snape.
"I've noticed that you've been giving valuable information to Dumbledore lately." Sid Voldemort. "If this goes on, the will surely find me and have me killed."
"Sorry, dude, but he said that if I told him where you were he'd give me some candy!" said Snape. "And candy is , like, so totally baggy! Ya know?"
"Baggy.?"
"Yeah! It's a groovy new word that I made up." Said Snape. "I've always heard all those wacky teenagers use those weird pop-culture word things like 'cool' and 'groovy' so I decided to make up my own word. My word is 'baggy'."
"What does 'baggy' mean?" asked Voldemort.
"It means 'awesome', dude." Said Snape.
"Well, you're still a traitor and you should be killed."
"Dude! That would not be baggy." Said Snape. "And by the way, if you can call me 'traitor', can I call you 'Voldie Locks'?"
"No!" cried Voldemort.
"Yes! Voldie Locks and the three hairs!" said Snape. "Wait a minute, you don't have any hair."
"No hair." said Voldemort longingly as he leaned back in his chair, obviously sad about his baldness.
"Nope." Said Snape "Not a hair on your head."
Then Snape noticed a stereo set in the corner of the room. He walked over to it and turned it on.
"Cool!" said Snape as he realized that they were playing a song called 'Hair'.
"WAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!" cried Voldemort. "I want my hair!"
"Long beautiful hair!" sang Snape. "Give me down to there, shoulder length or longer."
"Hair!" said Voldemort sadly.
"If you really want some hair, we can always go to the grocery store and buy some of that new hair growing stuff. I think it's called St. John's Warts or something."
"Eeewww!" said Voldemort.
"Wait! I have an even better idea! We can duct tape little bits of dryer lint to your head!" said Snape.
"I don't think that's such a good idea." said Voldemort.
"Don't worry, dude!" said Snape as he placed a wad of dryer lint on the sticky side of a piece of duct tape. "I've done this, like, plenty of times on poodles, ya know?"
"What happened to the poodles?" asked Voldemort.
"They ran away, man. But, like, that doesn't matter. It's like comparing apples and oranges, ya know? Now hold still, dude!"
Snape slapped the tape onto Voldemort's hairless head.
"Now don't you look prettyful!" said Snape cheerfully as he held up a mirror for Voldemort.
"Ahhhhhh!!!" screamed Voldemort when he yanked the tape off his head. "It feels like pulling off a band-aid!"
"Yeah!" said Snape. "Groovy!"
Angrily, Voldemort leapt from his chair and stood facing Snape.
"All you've ever been is a nuisance to me." Said Voldemort through gritted teeth. "You have been giving valuable information to Dumbledore and now you have come to insult me because I have no hair-"
"Mi gato no tiene pelo tompoco." Said Snape. "And, like, I didn't come here on my own, Pete come to get me. Ya know?"
"Oh, I guess you're right." Said Voldemort. Then after a short pause, he continued. "But you're still a traitor and should be killed!"
"Dude!" exclaimed Snape. "Just come off it, man! It's not baggy to kill people, dude!"
"I will kill you, Severus Snape!" said Voldemort triumphantly. "And your little dog, too!
"Dude, I don't have a dog." Snape said flatly.
"No matter, you will be destroyed!"
"Not if I can help it, dude!"
Before Voldemort could say "Avada Kedavra", Snape had apparated back to Hogwarts, right on the edge of the forbidden forest. But unfortunately for him, apparating on Hogwarts grounds was against school rules (and downright impossible for most people) so he was greeted by a flock of angry oompa loompas who had leapt out of the forest as soon as he appeared. Their leader, who was taller than the rest, approached the professor and held a long list of rules in front of his face. Since it was nighttime, Snape couldn't read the rules on the list in the dark. But the oopa loompa leader read the rule for him.
"Rule 4-7-9 Section 3: No witch or wizard shall apparate on Hogwarts grounds under any circumstances." Read the oopa loompa. "Penalty: Detention."
"Dude!" exclaimed Snape. "Like, I can't get a detention, man! I'm a teacher!"
"Rule 2-78-4 Section 7: Rules apply to everyone, including staff."
"Awww, man!"
Then the oompa loopas led Snape up to the castle and told him to report to the North Tower at 7:00 sharp the following night for his detention. As the oompa loompas wandered back to the forest, Snape began to wonder.
"Hey, dude! Isn't Professor McGonagall dealing with the detention students tomorrow?"
[MeatLoaf's Note: So..do you like it?]