Disclaimer—Star Wars is copywrite its respective owners. "Dirty Little Secret" is written and preformed by Sarah McLachlan. All I did was create a situation.

Note—This doesn't take place in any real part of the Star Wars universe. It's after Callista left, but other than that it's pretty freestanding. Please enjoy and don't hesitate to leave your opinion. Welcome to my very first songfic

All my Sins

Mara Jade sat in the darkness of her Coruscant apartment, her fingers curled around a glass of a rather strong brand of spirits, and shook her head. The fire in her emerald green eyes had died, her fight gone, her shoulders slumped and her thoughts in a painful whirl. Her shields were tightly clutched against her, more out of defense than anything else. A tear fell—when was the last time she'd cried?—and Mara knew that it was over this time.

//If I had the chance to love

I would not hesitate

To tell you all things I never said before

Don't tell me it's too late.//

It had been two days ago. She gone to see Luke Skywalker, to welcome him back to Coruscant and threaten him within an inch of his life to insure he'd think twice before taking another suicide mission for the New Republic. Things had rapidly spun out of control from there.

Two Days Previous

Mara shoved her blaster into its holster, trying to tell herself she was angry with the Jedi Master but knowing that wasn't the case. She was frustrated with him to be sure, but too relieved he hadn't done anything stupid to be really angry. With a tug, she had her boot on and was ready to meet him on the landing pad. She hoped her outfit—the black, skin tight leather she'd been wearing the day they met—would clue him into the fact that he was in deep water with her. They'd nicknamed it her 'death threat outfit,' since she always seemed to be giving him ominous warnings while wearing it.

"And you're in for it this time, Son of Vader," she snapped to herself, fighting against the maddening urge to run all the way to the landing pad. There was no way she'd ever run to Luke Skywalker, ever. Calmly, with all the grace she could muster, she walked slowly down the hall, maintaining a level of shields which masked her thoughts but not her presence. Oh no, she wanted Skywalker to know what was waiting.

She made it to the landing pad as his ship touched down and strode forward while he ran through the ship's shutdown sequence. Normally that part took the Jedi seconds, but through their bond, Mara could sense sheepish hesitation. She'd had the desired effect then. Finally, after a short delay, the ship's hatch opened and the Jedi Master walked down the ramp, a grin lightening his features. The second maddening urge of the day sprung up as Mara wrestled down the reflex to smile back. Luke often had that effect on her. He looked a bit paler, however, and his movements were a little stiff, but there was a twinkle in his eyes that called to her, making her fingers itch to touch him, and his eyes told her how glad he was that she was there. Though her frustration was rapidly evaporating in response—damn him!—she put on the face anyway.

"Skywalker," she started as he came to a halt just two feet in front of her, finger poking him squarely in the chest, "don't you ever—"

That was as far as she got before he'd latched his arms around her and lifted her clean into the air. Before she could demand that he put her down so she could get to her blaster, he swung her around twice and laughed out loud.

"Knock it off, Jade—we're both in too good a mood," he told her. She sputtered, knowing his display of uncanny perception should have, in pervious times would have, annoyed her, but he was right; she was in too good a mood.

"Another brush with death, Jedi Skywalker?" she asked as he set her down. She took two long steps back to reestablish distance, something that didn't escape his notice. He shrugged sheepishly, which she knew by now meant 'yes,' and offered that unabashedly boyish grin. It was a smile he only ever flashed her way, something that made her acutely uncomfortable. There were a lot of things Luke Skywalker only was with her, and she was learning more about him everyday. This was the happiest she'd seen him since Callista's abrupt departure, and against her better judgement, she decided to indulge him in his good mood. Just a few years ago that would have been unthinkable, but since then he'd wormed his way past her defenses and lodged himself firmly in her heart.

Wordlessly he reached for her hand, and wordlessly she accepted. What had followed was an evening of invigorating saber fights, comfortable banter, playful competition over a dejarik board, one of his surprisingly good meals, and then they retreated to the balcony to take in the view. It was nothing they hadn't done before, but the whole evening was charged with an energy that Mara had never felt before, especially with him. As the stood on the balcony, something clicked between them, something that was long out of place. He turned to look at her, his blue eyes strangely bright, and then he dipped closer and they shared a kiss—probably the sweetest, most eye-opening and amazing kiss that Mara had ever experienced, as overly-romantic as that sounded.

He'd pulled back after that first kiss, searching her gaze, and when he didn't find any hint of protest, in fact finding only passion, he began kissing her in earnest.

One thing had, as they say, led to another. Mara hadn't even realized how badly she had wanted this intimacy with Luke, how much she needed him both physically and emotionally. Despite all the reasons it shouldn't work, all the reasons Mara should have left right after their evening meal, everything seemed right for the pair.

-

Then they'd ruined it late yesterday. In retrospect, though she couldn't remember exactly what the fight had been about this time, she knew it had come down to Luke and Callista. That was a path that she never should have tread. In the end, stupid and cruel words had been spat out with more viciousness than ever before. They'd never reached this level of hostility, not even when she was hell-bent on killing him. He'd thrown up his barriers harder and faster than ever before, and the sensation was like a physical blow. Then he'd told her point blank to get the hell out, his blue eyes stormy with rage and agony.

Which left her in the dark on her own, lost in regret. He'd blasted off planet without a word and had cloaked himself from her so completely that, had they not been so close, would have made her wonder if she'd simply made him up. No trace of his brilliant presence in the Force remained. The complete absence of him, the silence over their bond, forced her to think about things she only wanted to run away from.

//Don't tell me it's too late

'Cause I've relied on my illusion

To keep me warm at night

And I've denied in my capacity to love

But I'm willing to give up this fight.//

She'd tried to get to him, to admit to them both the thing she'd been running from since the moment she'd met him. Throwing everything into the effort, she tried to wrap herself around the presence she knew was there, tried to make him hear.

/Luke,/ she'd sent, /I love you./

There was no answer. He remained stonily cut off from her.

/I'm sorry, Luke…I'll stop fighting this. I didn't mean to hurt you, I was afraid of needing you. But I do need you./

That had been only moments ago, but every second felt like a day, and he hadn't responded yet. She lifted the glass and drained it, then poured herself another, hoping listlessly that the burn of the liquor would purge the pain away. So far, it hadn't worked.

//Stayed up all night drinking to drown my sorrows down

But nothing seems to help me since you've gone away

I'm so tired of this town where every tongue is wagging

When every back is turned

They're telling secrets that should never be revealed

There's nothing to be gained from this but disaster.//

Coruscant had been up all night, Mara knew, immersing themselves in the "Skywalker Scandal." They'd been watched—they should have known they were being watched at the time—and the minute they'd retreated to his room, their relationship had exploded over the holonet. Apparently the public had been waiting for this to happen for a long time. All that day before the fight, broadcasts of the political implications of their relationship were being debated, theories of a drunken night of pleasure to him paying off a debt to it being a bribe to keep his mouth shut about unscrupulous actions in her speckled past. Then, after the fight, it seemed to everyone that there was a scandal going on and they'd been the topic of discussion on every channel since. No doubt Luke had heard, no matter where in the galaxy he was. He'd probably be too embarrassed to return, since all of his sins had so far been dissected. This was the biggest transgression so far, at least for the public, and he'd only come back to gossip, lies, and agonizing memories of their disastrous night. Nothing remained secret with him, especially not his failures and mistakes.

//Here's a good one

Did you hear about my friend

He's embarrassed to be seen now

'Cause we all know his sins.//

Mara's eyes peered through the darkness. Fifteen minutes had passed since her last, desperate attempt to reach him. There had been no answer. Slowly she pulled herself up, leaving the empty glass behind, and dragged herself listlessly to bed. With one last glance toward the breathtaking view of the city, she turned into her bedroom and shut the door on what might have been.

//If I had the chance to love

I would not hesitate

To tell you all things I never said before

Don't tell me it's too late

'Cause I've relied on my illusion

To keep me warm at night

And I've denied in my capacity to love

But I'm willing to give up this fight.//

As she drifted to sleep, so gently she almost thought she'd imagined it, an unseen hand smoothed her hair back. Hoping against hope, afraid to breathe lest she realize it had been nothing more than a dream, Mara let herself slide into dreams.

//Oh I am willing to give up this fight.//