The next time Maggie saw Sydney it was in the café. The smaller doctor was struggling with a box, some files and her coffee. Maggie stepped in, took the coffee and the files before the impending disaster.
"Save the date," Sydney said stoically. Maggie was still reeling from where she'd brushed against Sydney's chest as she'd grabbed the files, let alone the nonsense Sydney was saying. "I'm getting married."
"Oh, I didn't know you were… engaged…" Maggie said carefully.
"Yeah, no, just happened. Herschel and I have been together almost 10 weeks." Sydney said, brushing off the obvious question behind Maggie's words.
"Haven't you ever heard of getting to know one another?" Maggie dug again.
"That's what a lifetime of wedded bliss is for. Besides, there's no reason to wait." Sydney said, averting her eyes from Maggie's.
"I can think of one," Maggie said with an edge to her voice, not expecting an answer. Sydney rolled her eyes, started trying to balance her files, box and coffee again.
"Wear a skirt, cover your shoulders, and do something about that hair." Maggie watched Sydney walk away, long skirt catching on her calves, then ran her fingers through the blonde tips that had seemed like such a good idea after she broke up with Gavin, after the miscarriage. And they did make her feel better, even briefly, when she caught sight of herself in a mirror or a reflective surface. It made her feel like she'd moved on, even if she hadn't really.
Maggie was lying in wait on the staircase, having seen Sydney descend from her position halfway.
"Listen, I know you probably want an explanation as to why I..." Sydney started but was unable to say the word.
"Kissed me? The kiss, we kissed," Maggie said, repeating the verb and watching Sydney watch her mouth.
"It was nothing," Sydney said, looking away.
"I'm not saying it was something, but it wasn't nothing. Why'd you do it?"
"Maybe I was… bored," Sydney said lamely, eyes darting for anything that wasn't Maggie to look at, and Maggie knew she had Sydney on the ropes, knew for sure that she meant something to the other doctor. Sydney was honest and open, and had no problem making eye contact – unless she was being dishonest.
"So I should be flattered?" Maggie teased, and Sydney snapped back to the abrupt woman Maggie was familiar with.
"Doctor Lin, get over yourself. Just forget it ever happened." Sydney said as she brushed past Maggie – plenty of room for her to go around, but still brushing close enough to stir up Maggie's scent from her clothes, which would linger for the rest of the afternoon in Sydney's nostrils, stay with her until evening.
"Is that what you're doing? You're marrying a guy you hardy know." Maggie said, and Sydney stopped, turned to speak – and what she said just confirmed Maggie's suspicions, that her religion was putting pressure on her, that she felt lost, that she was trying to assimilate, her very body language betraying how she felt about it.
…
"I want to be married." Sydney finished, and Maggie could get behind that. She wanted to be married too – but to someone she liked, that she talked about to her colleagues, to someone who made her feel rather than rattle off a list of reasons as to why this – not even a relationship, just marriage – had to happen.
"But do you love him?" Maggie asked as Sydney walked away, not even pausing at the question, outraged at the list of excuses pouring from Sydney's mouth. It sounded to Maggie like Sydney was out of options and afraid of what would happen to her, so she was turning to the only companionship available to her – this Herschel guy, who Maggie suspected Sydney hadn't even kissed. Yet just last week she'd thrown all the passion she reserved for her profession and her religion into kissing Maggie. And today she was… not offering any explanations or apologies, just a weak cover for what Maggie was beginning to suspect was latent homosexuality under the burden of religion.
Maggie had gay friends before, gay women friends, and they'd never kissed her. It had to mean something to Sydney, had to mean something because if it didn't then Maggie was alone in the most confusing attraction she'd ever had. Maggie was too old to be experimenting, she'd never gone through that phase. She was too old to be finding out something this important this late in life.
But she was indeed going through… a confusion. Maggie had always known who she was, what she liked in a partner, and was very forthright as to what she needed out of a relationship. Sydney was… so many things that Maggie liked, things that she would have found attractive so much earlier if Sydney had been a man. But one kiss and suddenly her thoughts were filled with Sydney.
And then the engagement, Sydney basically telling Maggie that she wasn't an option she could pursue – it felt like Sydney was on the precipice of a decision, and had backed away from a cliff. It felt like Sydney thought she was dangerous, which meant Sydney was more than attracted to her, it meant that there was some feeling behind it. And Maggie had felt flattered – she often felt a little drab and level-headed in comparison to the vibrant redhead and to have had someone note her actions so closely, to have been so compelled to kiss her that they did so even though it could have damned her in the eyes of her God, and the sheer passion behind that kiss, a passion Maggie had never really felt before, that had bought certain body parts to immediate attention – that was certainly flattering.
Maggie went home, put the invitation on the fridge and stared at it. She'd already pushed more than was appropriate. But the memory of Sydney's kiss lingered and Maggie couldn't shake the feeling that if she just pushed, just a little more, Sydney would come to her, be with her, kiss her with the passion she usually held for saving babies – or any humans, really. The passion with which she lived life.
And maybe, now that Sydney was engaged, this was selfish of Maggie. She wanted an explanation, sure. But she wanted more of those kisses, soft small hands so different to any others she'd had on her – and now she couldn't help but wonder how they'd feel elsewhere.
And if it was selfish, it was even more selfish or Sydney to have kissed her in the first place, to have stirred up all these emotions that she'd never had to consider. Maggie thought about it, and even though she'd never been with a woman, had never even thought of it, had never really been attracted to another woman – she loved the moments where Sydney smiled up at her when she gave a clever answer, or a joke that Sydney understood, the moments when Sydney's hand brushed over hers on a patient's chart, or when taking a coffee from Maggie, the moments when Sydney looked so brightly at her that Maggie glowed.
And now that she was looking back, she could pinpoint every one of those moments, could remember a feeling she could only describe as 'shiny' afterwards, like she was a better person, skin tingling after contact. Apparently this had been going on for longer than either of them had been willing to admit.
And now, Maggie was alone in… this, whatever it was. Because Doctor Katz was marrying a man she didn't love in order to avoid whatever she felt for Maggie, leaving Maggie alone and confused.
Author's Notes:
People are saying Sydney is back - I live in Australia and I will try to watch the new episodes, but there may be some delay because we are very backwards in many ways.