School of Yule
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or situations created for TGAH; I am borrowing them purely for entertainment purposes and am making no profit from their use. Thank you to Stephen J. Cannell, the cast, producers, writers, directors, and crew for giving us this wonderful, timeless show and the characters that bring it to life.
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Ralph stumbled out of the port-o-let, still stuffing the tail of his cape into the back of his corduroys. He smiled weakly at the line of grim-faced concert-goers that stretched from the row of public toilets back to the corner of the Observatory building.
He nodded as he passed a particularly belligerent looking man in a tie-dyed poncho.
"Freak," the man muttered under his breath.
Ralph shrugged deeper into his white quilted jacket and hurried toward the Greek Theatre.
He shifted the cuff of his jacket to check his watch. 5:45. He was running late. Of course. Still, he couldn't resist stealing a glance over his shoulder at the city spread out below Mount Hollywood like a garden of twinkling lights.
The city nestled between the mountains and the sea was truly beautiful on such a clear December night. He had seen Los Angeles from above more times than he cared to remember, but he didn't often have time to just stop and enjoy the scenery.
And now wasn't the time, he reminded himself as he ducked his head and trotted toward the stage.
There was a brisk breeze freshening the evening air. It was shaping up to be a chilly night on the grounds of Griffith Observatory, but the throngs of concert goers didn't seem to mind the nip in the air. They swayed in time to the music pouring from the stacked speakers on either side of the proscenium stage.
Ralph didn't recognize the band. The lead singer was a girl with wild red-gold hair wearing an assortment of clothes that looked like a rummage sale waiting to happen. Despite her eccentric appearance she had a strong, clear voice that rang out across the concert grounds as she came to the final chorus of I'll Be Home For Christmas.
The last notes died away and the crowd broke into raucous cheers as he neared the row of safety-orange plastic barrels that formed a fence at the left of the stage. He made for a break in the line guarded by two black t-shirt clad bouncer types with shaved heads. As he hurried up, they waved through an extremely tall and cadaverously thin man wearing only a torn t-shirt and jeans despite the chill.
Ralph stepped toward the breach and the taller of the two held up a meaty hand the size of a brisket.
"Hold it, pard," he said in a voice like burnt gravel. "Let's see your pass."
Ralph opened his mouth to go through the probably pointless exercise of explaining that his badge was with one of the bands backstage, but he was saved the trouble as Tony Villicana appeared behind the bouncer's left shoulder.
"Mister H, we been looking for you," he said in his deep, New York inflected voice. "This is the last band before our set."
He stuck out a hand and dangled a plastic badge on a bright yellow cord in front of the bouncer's face. The bouncer grabbed the swinging badge and held it up.
"'LA Freeway'," he rumbled. "What kinda name is that?"
"The kind you better remember, pal," Tony said, tugging the badge out of the bouncer's grip.
Despite the fact that he was built like a two-legged fire hydrant, the man moved with surprising speed. He spun and gripped Tony by the satin lapels of his electric blue sport coat and hoisted him up off the ground.
Tony's face split in a wide, toothy grin. He gave a weak chuckle.
"That is, you know, if you need a band for your sister's wedding or a bar mitzvah or, you know, whenever," he said.
The bouncer lowered him back to the ground, his face twisting in a tight smirk. Tony was brushing off his rumpled jacket when Ralph stepped through the line of barrels and took his student by the sleeve. He flashed a conciliatory smile over his shoulder at the still glowering bouncer as he dragged Tony into the milling crowd beside the stage.
"Tony," he said, leaning close so the boy could hear him over the opening chords of Blue Christmas. "I've told you before, you've got to stop antagonizing people you don't even know. I mean, think about when you first met Bill Maxwell. You practically had a rumble right there in the diner. But Bill turned out to be a good friend."
"Yeah, well," Tony said, pitching his voice above the rising din from the stage. "I still ain't too sure about Maxwell sometimes. But I'm under a lotta stress, Mister H. We got big problems."
"What-" Ralph started, but Tony shook his head and pointed to the grassy area behind the stage.
Ralph followed him through the crowd. Every third person, male and female seemed to be wearing a long-sleeved t-shirt with wide yellow (or orange or blue or purple) and black stripes. The net effect looked more like a prep-school rugby match than a rock concert. Here and there a sullen twenty-something boy with spiky hair and a torn undershirt trimmed with safety pins glowered at the brightly colored teenybopper next to him.
They came to a break in the crowd and Ralph saw his class, otherwise known as LA Freeway, and Pam in a tight huddle. Pam looked up as he approached and he saw her straighten. She said something to the kids clustered around her. Rhonda spun toward him, the white fake fur trim on her red mini-dress swirling around her legs. She and Rodriguez rushed forward, pulling him away from Tony.
"Mister H, what are we gonna do?" Rhonda said, looking up at him with wide, blue eyes. "It's a total mess!"
"Yeah," Rodriguez said, his frizz of dark hair bobbing as he nodded. "We're fried, Mister H. This is it. The band's history if you don't think of something."
Ralph looked around at the circle of anxious faces.
"Could somebody tell me what's going on?" he said.
Everybody spoke at once. Ralph picked out a few words from the babble of voices.
"Cyler- hand- bad- power- spring- cable- next!"
"Hey!" he shouted, raising his hands over his head. "Hold it. One at a time."
He looked at his girlfriend.
"Pam?" he said. "What's going on?"
Pam took a long look around the circle before she spoke.
"Well," she said slowly, "From what I understand, Cyler had an accident in Auto Shop this morning."
Ralph finally noticed Cyler standing at the back of the group. Ralph couldn't see his face, just his tight black curls as he stared down at the ground. But he could see the dark blue sling on his right arm.
He looked back at Pam.
She nodded.
"No keyboardist," she said. "And then something happened to the-"
She hesitated and looked at Tony.
"Amplifier," he said grimly.
"It's the power cable," she said. "The plug's shorting out. So even if they could go on-"
"Nobody could hear us," Tony finished.
"Can't you borrow an amp?" Ralph said.
Rodriguez shook his head.
"My guitar only works with an Elwood," he said.
"And nobody's got one," Ralph said.
"Right," Pam said, "So as far as the band goes, that leaves Rhonda-"
Rhonda bit her quivering lower lip.
"And Doug," Pam said nodding at the boy clutching two drumsticks to his chest.
"And-"
Pam looked back at Cyler who solemnly raised a tambourine in his left hand.
"And," Rhonda said, her voice breaking, "Rick Springfield just drove up."
She took a shuddering breath.
"He came to see the show!" she wailed and buried her face in Tony's jacket.
Ralph put his hand over his eyes and wondered what had ever possessed him to talk the kids into the Gimme Shelter Christmas Benefit Concert.
"So," said a booming voice in his ear. "How's the Hole in the Head Gang, huh?"
Ralph dropped his hand and looked up.
Bill Maxwell pressed forward into the circle and looked around at the solemn faces.
"Prayer meeting?" he said, cocking an eyebrow at Ralph.
"Bill, we've got kind of a cris-"
He stopped. His partner was looking at him blankly. Ralph sighed and pointed at his ear.
Bill frowned for a moment then his mouth shaped a little 'o' and he reached up to pull out his earplugs. He stared expectantly at Ralph.
Ralph looked around the circle and suddenly noticed everyone was staring at him expectantly. Even Rhonda had stopped crying and was blinking up at him with red-rimmed eyes.
He exhaled a long breath and then brought his hands together in a loud clap. Everyone jumped.
"Okay," he said briskly. "Here's what we're gonna do."
He turned to Bill.
"We need a keyboard player in-"
Ralph looked at Tony.
"When are you on?" he said.
Tony dropped his arm from around Rhonda's shoulder and dug in his jacket pocket. He unfolded a photocopied sheet and scanned it.
"Ten minutes," he said, looking up.
"Ten minutes," Ralph repeated to Bill.
Bill's eyebrows rose. Then he inhaled sharply and squared the shoulders of his pale gray suit. He looked at Tony.
"Gimme your playlist," he said.
Tony shot Ralph a skeptical look, but reached into his breast pocket and pulled out an index card.
Bill tugged the card out of his hand, turned and set off across the grassy lawn.
"If I'm not back in ten, start without me," he called over his shoulder, then he disappeared into the crowd.
"Mister H-" Tony started.
Ralph raised a hand.
"Just trust him, Tony," he said.
He turned to Rodriquez.
"I'm going to fix the amp," he said and turned to Tony. "Bring me a long extension cord. One nobody's using."
Tony nodded and set off across the grass.
"Tony!" Ralph called after him. "Don't steal it!"
Tony grinned back over his shoulder and waved as he stepped around the corner of the stage.
Ralph turned back to Rodriguez.
"Start setting up the equipment as soon as they let you on," he said. "I'll be there when Tony gets back."
"No offense, Mister H," Rodriguez said. "But do you know anything about sound equipment?"
Ralph inhaled.
"No, Paco," he said after a pause. "I don't. But I'm pretty good with electricity."
"Okay," he said to the group. "Go get ready. We're going to make this work."
He looked down at Rhonda.
"Rick Springfield will love you," he said, smiling.
She sniffed loudly and gave him an answering smile.
"Okay!" he said grinning at the little group. "Let's put on a rock show!"
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Ten minutes later, Ralph stood beside the stage. He held the power cord from the amp behind his back. Pam handed him the end of the extension cord.
"Be careful," she said quietly.
He nodded.
"I'm pretty sure I won't short out the stage," he said under his breath as he looped the two cords over his hand.
"I'm more worried about you shorting yourself out," she answered.
He gave a sharp tug with his free hand. The two plugs pulled off cleanly. He handed them to Pam.
"Here we go," he murmured. "Suit, do your stuff."
He took the cords in each hand and pressed the bare wires together. Instantly, he felt intense heat pulse up his arms.
On the other side of the stage, Tony glared pointedly at Cyler who grimaced and clutched his tambourine defensively. Beside Cyler, Rodriguez dropped the guitar strap over his head and cocked an eyebrow at Rhonda. She held the microphone in one white-knuckled hand, the other played nervously with the hem of her skirt. She bit her lip and looked back at Doug. Doug nodded and brought his drumsticks down as Rodriguez dropped his hand toward his guitar.
Ralph jerked as the first notes of Winter Wonderland rang out.
"Are you okay?" Pam whispered. "You're sweating!"
"I'm fine," Ralph said, his voice unusually high. "Any sign of Bill?"
"No," she said, scanning the crowd. "I don't see- wait a minute. Here he comes. He's- Oh, no."
She shot Ralph a look.
"You're not going to believe this," she said.
Bill's perfectly styled graying hair appeared above the heads of a small group of teenagers in Michael Jackson t-shirts and matching Members Only jackets. They parted to let him through and Ralph saw the accordion slung across his chest.
"You're not," Ralph said as Bill walked up.
Bill shrugged.
"It's me or a guy named Skeev with a safety pin through his lip," he said.
He tugged his mirrored aviator glasses out of his pocket and flicked them open.
"I'll go get him if you want," he said, slipping on the sunglasses.
Ralph shook his head.
"Break a leg," he said.
Bill nodded and climbed the stairs to the stage.
Rhonda only missed one note as Bill crossed the stage to stand beside Cyler's microphone. Rodriguez broke into a wide grin. Cyler shot an incredulous look at Tony. Tony buried his face in his hands. Doug didn't seem to notice.
Bill came in on the downbeat at the bridge with a ringing chord that caused an answering ripple in the crowd. By the time they hit the last chorus, kids were dancing in front of the stage and an older couple in matching fringed leather biker jackets were holding up lighters. The last note from Bill's accordion died away and the band instantly kicked into an up tempo version of Oh Holy Night. The crowd roared.
Pam looked at Ralph. He was staring at the stage with the same look of wide-eyed amazement he'd been wearing for the last four and a half minutes.
"Technically, it is a keyboard," she said.
He nodded.
"Works for me," he said.
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It was 11:30 before the last act left the stage. Pam and Ralph were sitting on the grass and looking out over the lights of the LA basin.
Pam was rubbing the back of his neck with one hand. She ran her fingers up through his butter-blond hair.
"I think your hair's going to be extra curly tomorrow," she said.
"My toes are extra curly right now," he said leaning back against her hand. "You can do that as long as you want."
She smiled and kissed his ear.
He took a deep breath and turned his head, careful not to move away from her touch.
"Have you seen the band?" he said.
Pam pointed toward the theatre with her free hand.
"Bill's over there with some guy with bushy hair," she said.
Ralph sighed.
"Rats," he said. "I have to look."
She gave his neck a final squeeze and he leaned forward to peer across the lawn.
In the dimmed lights from the stage he picked out Bill's tall form. He was shaking hands with a shorter, slender man with a mane of dark hair like a corona around his head. The other man had an accordion slung across his shoulder.
As Ralph watched, Bill turned toward them and started across the lawn. He was only yards away when a name finally slotted into Ralph's mind. He snorted a laugh and Pam looked at him.
"What?" she said.
"You'll see," he said.
"Bill, was that who I think it was?" he called as his partner came to a stop on the grass beside them.
"Yankovic?" Bill said. "Cute kid. You know him?"
"He's pretty famous, yeah," Ralph said. "He let you borrow his accordion?"
"Thought it was a scream," Bill answered, settling down on the grass beside them. "Nice view from up here."
"'Course you see it a lot," he said, glancing at Ralph.
"Stationary is better," Ralph said. "Where are the kids?"
Bill cocked his head at the driveway down the hill.
Ralph squinted in the half-light of the low moon. Five figures stood clustered around a dark limousine. He picked out Tony and Rhonda, their arms locked around one another's waist.
"Rick Springsteen or somethin'," Bill said, leaning back on his hands.
"Springfield," Pam said.
Ralph cocked an eyebrow at her.
"I listen to the radio," she said defensively.
"Mmn-hmn," he answered.
He looked over at Bill.
"You gave those kids a pretty great early Christmas present by helping them out tonight," he said.
"What's Santa bringing you this year, Bill?" Pam said. "You deserve a special treat."
Bill snorted.
"Santa still owes me a red wagon," he said. "One that's not hot. But I'd settle for a night of sleep on the twenty-fourth."
He glanced over at Ralph.
"We got a date with the-" he shot a look skyward. "Those guys and their chrome-plated sled?"
Ralph nodded.
"I expect so," he said. "Unless we hear otherwise, I guess we'll show up. Same Bat-time, same Bat-channel."
"Same Bat-pain in the butt," Bill said. "All right, I'm outta here."
He pushed up and stood, stretching and staring up at the sky.
"Yep," he said. "Nice view."
He puffed out a long breath and turned to start down the hill.
"Night boys and girls," he said. "Don't stay up too late."
"Night, Bill," they called after him.
A few moments later, the little knot of bodies by the limo backed away and the limo rolled down the driveway. Tony pointed up the hill to where they sat and the group started up toward them. The sound of laughter drifted up the hill.
"Well, that was nice while it lasted," Pam said.
"Rock and roll," Ralph said, climbing to his feet and holding out a hand to her.
"Ho, ho, ho," she said as she stood and planted a light kiss on the tip of his nose.
- end -
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