How long before you crack?
How long before you turn back?

Your ground will fall from under your feet
Your sky will crumble in, you will be swallowed alive

You're running out, you're running out

Running Out - Stateless

Numb. That's the only way to describe it.

I'm exhausted, but I keep my eyelids open. Whenever they flutter closed I see him. I see his final expression, the pain and panic embedded in his eyes. Then I jerk awake and stare at something until my mind is cleared, until Reiner is completely gone.

Down here, where the sun never reaches, I'm always cold. Even when a guard is whistling at me, or glaring, or spitting in disgust. I'm alone. I'd rather be alone. These people only bring me pain, just like Annie said they would.

The cuffs around my wrists dig into the flesh, chafe the skin. Sometimes the throbbing pain clears my head, but usually it just disgusts me. The only thing that kept me going was Annie, Reiner and the promise of returning home. Now they're both gone and what's the point of going home as a failed warrior? What's the point?

A racket sounded on the side of my cell's bars as a soldier walked past, banging against the metal. I didn't look up, but I knew he was the guard with the slight limp just from his uneven steps. The soldier stopped and I looked over at him from where I was on the cold, stone floor. A few seconds later, a plate of food slid towards me.

I didn't move. Neither did the soldier.

"You gonna eat your damn food?" The man growled out.

I just looked away.

The soldier turned hostile and rattled the bars. "Piece of shit!" He snarled, spittle spouting from his pursed, greasy lips. I knew he was just trying to get a rise out of me, but I couldn't help glaring at him from the corner of my eyes.

Fucking filthy swine.

I imagined my long hands wrapping around his thick throat, my thumbs pressing against the flesh until it began to purple. His eyes bulging, turning into red saucers. His sweaty hands pawing at my arms, trying to find release. His breathy, pathetic begging. I could feel my body heat up, the muscles in my arms straining. I could see myself pushing until the man's eyes emptied. If only.

When I was younger, it used to scare me how much hate was inside me. Now I can't really tell what's the hate and what's me.

I looked down at the tray. A piece of hard bread and a shallow bowl of watery soup sat on its surface. I stared at the mess until the soldier lost interest and wandered away. What did he expect me to do? Eat on my knees like a dog? I'd rather starve.

I heard a familiar chorus of confidant footsteps on the stone floor. The steps halted with tight precision outside my cell. Strange of Hanji to visit me right after a meal. I glanced up dejectedly, wondering who Hanji brought with them today. I noticed a blonde head hovered close behind them.

Armin. That fucking bastard.

It was only day three in this underground cell and I was already starting to unravel. Well, unravel more. There was only artificial light, so my only indication of time passing was my meals and Hanji's sporadic visits.

There was a different kind of clink and Hanji slid into my cell. Hanji didn't comment on the fact that I was crumpled on the cold ground. Instead they chose to sidestep my untouched food and inspect the wounds along my skin.

"Where did you get these?" Hanji asked in their hard, business tone, referring to the new gallery of black and purples running down my arms.

Memories of clammy hands gripping me, shoving me against the ground. Memories of righteous grins and throbbing, aching pain.

What was I supposed to do?

I glanced up and saw Armin's fleeting gaze. He looked sad, almost like he knew the truth, but he didn't want to believe it. That was the most kindness I'd received since Reiner and Ymir fell. It was disgusting. I didn't want Armin's fucking sympathy.

I could still see the inane glint in his eyes as he shouted Annie's fate to me, almost sadistically, almost gleefully.

"You guys really are monsters, leaving Annie behind like you did. Between Levi and the Garrison there was barely anything left of her. You could hear her screams from the other end of the district. Don't you get it? She's dead... Annie's dead!"

The first person I'd kill would be Armin. I'd grab his fine silken hair by the fistfuls and yank until he was screaming in agony. I'd fucking break his arms and watch him whimper and sob and drown in his own filth. I wouldn't think about the way Reiner loved running his hands through those locks, or the way he caressed Armin's skin with the utmost care and delicacy, like Armin was something worth protecting.

Reiner was only affectionate with that boy when he forgot who he was. Maybe I could respect that before, but now Reiner is gone, and frankly, I don't care about Armin anymore. He's not the same. I'm not the same.

I remained still and silent as Hanji wrote on their clipboard. I hadn't cooperated once during their past visits, but that didn't effect Hanji's enthusiasm at all.

"Why do you think he isn't healing?" Hanji asked, turning to Armin. The blonde was thoughtful for a quick moment, his gaze seemed to analyze me. I quickly looked away.

"He's given up. There's no fight left. His spirit is broken," I heard the wide-eyed blonde take a few steps closer. "Maybe if we let him see Reiner... Just for a moment?"

My eyes flickered up and I scanned both their faces, desperately checking for any sign that they were lying.

What the hell? Reiner was dead... I'd heard it from a pair of guards loitering outside my cell. They had been talking in hushed whispers, while I'd been 'asleep'. There was no mistaking it. They'd said the Armored Titan and the other traitor from the 104th squad had been devoured by the titans.

So who had been lied to? The soldiers or me? If Armin was really bold enough to try and manipulate me like this, I would... I would...

"No. That wouldn't be possible," Hanji looked down at me, their glasses glinting in the lamp light. "He has his trial."

Wouldn't be possible or wasn't possible? How much could they gain from my cooperation? From concealing Reiner's true fate? No. I would stay skeptical until either Reiner was standing before me or I was dead. Without my cooperation, my healing, there was a whole list of tests Hanji couldn't preform. They couldn't exactly torture me until I agreed to heal myself.

Or could they?

Hanji returned to Armin and scanned over the clipboard in his hands. My eyes sunk back down at the floor.

I could almost feel Reiner gripping my shoulder and crouching beside me. He'd have that characteristic frown on his face and his tense gaze. He'd tell me to stay sharp, to hold on. Then his eye's would soften, like they always did when he talked to me. But Reiner was gone... Annie was gone...

"He's ready." Hanji called down the hallway, unlocking the cell for the three guards who'd been lounging outside.

Hanji and Armin backed away and the oldest of the soldiers grabbed me roughly by the shoulder, yanking me to my feet. I stumbled slightly when he shoved me forward. The soldier on my left, the female, grimaced as she came close, pulling a sack over my head. Hands gripped my arms and I was clumsily lead out of the cell and down the hall. I lost my bearings almost immediately.

After a while a door opened and I was forced to blindly climb stairs. The motion was monotonous until the last step, where I fumbled over my own feet.

We walked a little further and I heard another door open. It was like someone uncapped a jar of sound. We entered an echoey room filled with shouting, chairs scraping and unintentional stomping. I was yanked forward and then mercilessly shoved to my knees. There was a pull on the restraints around my wrists and then my hood was unveiled.

I winced out at the room, although it was only dimly lit with scattered torches, they caused the air to swelter and drew eerie shadows up the walls. The space was obviously a cellar of some kind that had been transformed into an improvised court room. The air still had the same staleness of my cell, so I knew we were underground. They weren't taking any chances with me near the surface.

The shackles around my wrists and ankles were bolted to the floor, and the three soldiers who had brought me from my cell stood, surrounding me. Each had blades drawn, ready to strike if I tried anything.

"Silence!" Darius Zackly suddenly chided the bickering military heads. They shot each other a sour look before returning to their seats. "Now formally beginning the trial of Bertoldt Hoover, Colossal Titan Shifter, graduate of the 104th trainee squad and previous member of the Survey Corps."

That was all I had to my name?

This was my first time seeing Darius Zackly in person. The man seemed old and tired, but he was one of the few who wasn't intimidated by me. I searched the room for familiar faces. It didn't take long. The Survey Corps were to my left, among them Levi, Hanji and a portion of the 104th graduates. The MP crowd was to the right, as well as some more soldiers and people I didn't recognize. There was hardly thirty people in the room.

I shifted my weight, trying to get comfortable. Nile Dok was the first to rise, the Commander of the Military Police. He was the guy with greasy black hair who looked like he had a constant unpleasant taste in his mouth. Zackly turned his attention to Nile Dok and Dok turned to me. Our eyes met and I frowned. He looked down on me with disgust.

"As representatives of the people, the Military Police suggest immediate execution of the titan shifter. Over one third of the population's death can be directly tied to his actions as a Titan. Any research opportunities are outweighed by the potential threat of the prisoner. Any other decision would be a grave mistake. That is all, thank you." Nile grunted the last words before turning, saluting Zackly, and returned to his seat.

Darius Zackly ran a few fingers through his beard, looking thoughtful. He shifted his attention towards the Survey Corps' side of the room. "Captain Levi... I believe a statement from Commander Erwin Smith is within your possession?"

Levi nodded and stood, clearing his throat slightly. He unfolded a small piece of parchment and read it in a monotonous voice; "Thank you for the opportunity to testify in this trial despite my absence. I am currently unfit for travel due to wounds sustained during a mission to recover Eren Yeager, a Titan shifter currently under the custody of the Survey Corps, who had been abducted by the Armoured Titan, Reiner Braun and the Colossal Titan, Bertholdt Hoover. The purpose behind this abduction is currently unknown, which is where the Survey Corps' first contention arises."

Levi paused, squinting down at Erwin's handwriting. "Little is currently known about Titan Shifters. This makes any information available extremely valuable and, most likely, in humanities greatest interests to obtain. The Survey Corps formally requests time to interrogate and study Bertholdt Hoover. The Survey Corps still recognizes the threat Hoover poses and suggests his swift execution after the previous are completed."

Levi folded up the parchment and tucked it back into his jacket pocket. Zackly waited for Levi to add something, but the Captain only sat, crossing his legs.

"What are your thoughts Squad Leader Zoe?" Zackly turned his attention to Hanji, who's posture immediately straightened.

"Respectfully sir, having another Shifter available for study has huge prospects of progress against the Titan threat. However, because of the amount of casualties caused by the Colossal Shifter, Bertholdt Hoover, if there is no immediate discoveries I believe it would be best to get rid of the threat." Hanji paused, their eyes flickering as they adjusted their glasses. "I have experienced the colossal shifter's destruction first hand... We may not get another opportunity like this." Hanji finished their speech with a small exhale and allowed their shoulders to relax.

The tension in the room was so thick that I could feel it pressing against the back of my throat. I didn't want to be here, mixed in with the fear and politics. I looked away from the fearful faces and focused on the cold stone floor instead. The hard surface was making my knees ache unpleasantly.

When some of my former squad members were called to testify, I perked up.

"Mikasa Ackerman," Zackly adjusted his glasses as he read her name off a list on his desk. "Its recorded that you were there when the shifter's identities were revealed on Wall Rose. Do you have anything to add?"

"It would be redundant to repeat what's already been said... Sir." She spoke the words quietly, but they carried malice. Her eyes were dark. They reminded me of Annie's... a little. Zackly nodded and Mikasa took her seat again.

"Armin Arlet?"

Armin stood and formally saluted. His expression was grim and his eyes wouldn't meet mine, although I was staring right at him. The coward.

"I agree with the urgency of Bertholdt's immediate execution. I've personally experienced both his lack of remorse and his ability to manipulate. This, combined with the ease that he can cause destruction, he is the largest threat to humanity at this moment."

I grinned at what appeared to be an unintentional pun. Several of the lower ranking Military Police officers who'd been ogling me shrank in horror. For some reason their expressions sent a sudden flicker of rage through me. I wanted to scream at them, tell them I was hardly anything compared to what was coming, but I didn't need to. They'd realize soon enough.

Marcel had once told me that if you truly understood your enemy, you could destroy them. Armin was living proof that having that power was also a curse. I could see it in his cold eyes and rigid shoulders. His empathy gnawed on him like a disease.

"That's all sir... thank you." Armin sat, finally meeting my eyes. I made sure to give him my most disdainful look. I quickly remembered a time when I'd given the same look to Reiner after he'd embarrassed me. Reiner had asked me if I was constipated. I relaxed my face and looked away, angry that I had to remember something like that at a time like this.

I made the mistake of catching Jean's detached, hateful glare. The way Jean saw me was reflected perfectly in his eyes. I was a monster, drenched in the blood of his loved ones.

Eren's mother, Armin's grandfather, Marco. I may not have killed them, but Jean was right. Their blood was on my hands.

I had known since the first day of training that any companionship would eventually end like this.

Connie, Christa and Sasha were somber and silent. They stood close together and focused solely on the speakers. They were the ones who had been nearby when the titans had overtaken Reiner and Ymir. I wondered if Christa had been interrogated or put on trial herself. She seemed to be in the clear, otherwise she probably wouldn't be shackle free and standing in the room.

She had dark circles under her puffy eyes. Something inside that girl was definitely dead.

"Eren... Jeager-" Before Zackly could look up from his paper Eren was already out of his chair, sending the thing clattering to the floor. Levi's eyes filled with disdain, which he directed at Eren.

"He shouldn't just be killed! He should be tortured. He doesn't know a fraction of the pain he's caused!" Eren was screaming, quickly crossing from passionate to frenzied. "He lied to us, befriended us. We trusted the shit ass fucker! It's because of him! It's- We've- We've lost so many... so many..." Tears brimmed Eren's eyes. The room was eerily silent. He took a few steps forward and Mikasa rushed over, grabbing him by the shoulder. A hollow spout of laughter bubbled from Eren's throat.

Humanities only warrior... seemed a little off, but that didn't surprise me. Everyone in this room had probably lost someone because of me.

Mikasa attempted to bring Eren back to where Armin was sitting, but he wasn't finished. Eren locked on my eyes. "Reiner got what he deserved! Now it's time for you to do the fucking same."

I immediately checked Armin's expression again. Our eyes met and I saw him mutter under his breath.

So... he did lie.

Reiner was dead. He was really dead.

Something inside me deflated and I quit with the games. I fought hard to keep it together while the military heads murmured beneath Eren's screams. Levi gave Mikasa a look and she wrapped an arm around Eren, dragging him to one of the back doors. He yelled profanities the whole way. As soon as the door shut behind them, Zackly cleared his throat, silencing the military heads.

"Alright, that's enough testimonials. I've come to a verdict," Zackly paused, shuffling his papers and folding his hands beneath his chin. His cold, beady eyes seemed to find mine. "Squad Leader Zoe has one week with Colossal Shifter Bertholdt Hoover. Eight days from now, regardless of circumstances, Mr. Hoover will be executed at noon day. Court dismissed."

I expected something, anything but the deadly silence that filled the room. Feet began to shuffle and I allowed my head to droop. I curled up into my self, just like I had as a kid. Even though I had always been the biggest, I still felt so small.

Eight days. One hundred and ninety-two hours. How much of that would I spend sleeping? How much would I spend wishing I was asleep? It was like a sudden weight pressed against my stomach.

I felt a tug on my collar and I was suddenly shoved against the smooth floor. My cheekbones ached from the impact, but I didn't move, didn't make a sound. Someone had a boot against my spine and was freeing the cuffs from the bolt in the ground.

Silently, I was thankful. My shoulders and knees had lost feeling nearly an hour before. All I wanted was to be back alone in my cell, with the freezing floor and the darkness. I didn't want to see the faces of those I had knowingly betrayed. Their expressions caused a tightness in my chest. It wasn't remorse. It was... It was just pain.

I didn't want to be here. I was tired. I was so damn tired. I wished I could just close my eyes and be back in my mother's arms, or Reiner's. Somewhere I could stay forever, completely safe.

Then it was almost like Annie was standing beside me, her lips centimeters from my ear, scoffing. 'Where's your mother now?' She'd bark at me, 'Where's Reiner? That's right, these people are the enemy. Don't you forget that. Never forget that.'

They'd always been the enemy. I was just too sad and too broken to keep fighting... to stay strong by myself.

It didn't matter if I gave up now... Annie would never have to know.