It is now time for a Shoker fic, because I love Joker, and ME3 didn't give me what I want *insert annoyed frustration with Bioware here*. Not to mention the end of the game... anyway, that's a topis for another time.

My Shepard's name is Adele, she's a survivor of Mindoir and the Hero of the Skylian Blitz. She's almost a perfect mix of Paragon and Renegade. Though a little more renegade, depending on the situation.

I hope you enjoy it.

(Standard Disclaimers apply. I think we've all seen enough to know, that everything on this website is not owned by the writers of these stories, and that we are merely playing with other people's toys.)

"Hey, Joker," Shepard said leaning on his chair and nosily looking at what her favorite pilot was up to.

"Hey, Commander, something I can do you?" he kept his eyes focused on his current task as his hands moved over the holographic displays. He wanted to turn his head and look at her, but flying the ship was a priority as he prepared the Normandy's FTL vectors for their trip to Omega.

"No, just wondering what you were up to."

"Oh, you know, just flying the ship, nothing important," that ever present smirk gracing Joker's face.

Shepard loved that smirk. Something about it just gave her a chance to forget about the slowly growing shit storm that seemed to just love to grow around her, if only for a moment. It was the reason she came to talk to him, well one of them anyway.

"Smartass," she said liberating Joker of his hat and placing it on her head.

"You know you like it."

The smile on his face made the corners of her mouth twitch toward a half smile.

"I haven't seen it. You never get out of your chair." Shepard stood straighter and raised her hands up to the ceiling, stretching out her back.

"Ha, ha, Commander. Your loss though, sitting on it all day, is what makes it so perfect."

"Then I'm surprised you don't get up and show it off more often, Joker." The soft popping of bones were heard.

"And have all the women on this ship wanting me? No, thanks."

"Your loss, I know Chambers has been showing quite an interest," Shepard said smirking, even though she knew he couldn't see her.

Joker shuddered, and Shepard chuckled.

"Don't say that."

"Why? You don't want to be the next notch on her belt?"

"Ew, no. She's the reason scale itch got to half the men in the crew. I wouldn't touch her with a vaccinated bulkhead. God knows what other nasties she has and is just waiting to spread around. Didn't anyone teach her sharing is not always caring?"

Shepard moved and set herself down in the seat just to the right of Joker. She stared out at the stars and said, "Kelly's just loving and very naïve. She'll learn eventually."

Joker looked over at her as she stared out at the passing stars. The sight of her wearing his hat delighted him, though it had been a ritual performed since they were together on the SR1. At first she had done it to get a rise out of him. Now, it had just become a habit and one that he was comfortable with. It also told him when Shepard planned to stay and talk for a while. If there was no reason for the conversation to drag on, his hat usually stayed where it belonged, on his head. But, just because it was normal, didn't mean that he wouldn't tease her about it.

"So, Commander, what's with you and the fetish you have for my hat?"

"What hat?" she said as though she had no clue as to what he was referring.

"The one you steal from your amazingly dashing and heroic pilot."

"Oh, that hat," she said leaning back comfortably in the chair and pulling the brim of Joker's hat down to block the bright lights of the bridge. It also hid her face in shadow.

"Well, you see it belongs to a really good friend of mine that I spend a lot of time with. He's ornery, sarcastic, funny and always makes me laugh. He was also the first one to join me on this insane journey to kill overgrown cockroaches and defeat sentient super squids. Oh, and did I mention that he's the best pilot, aboard the best ship that ever was, serving under the best commander?"

Shepard's smile was the only thing Joker could see and he couldn't help, but return it. He couldn't stop himself, there was nothing quite like having your ego stroked by the hottest woman on the ship and quite possibly the universe, but that was just his opinion.

"Anything else you have to say about this amazing pilot friend of yours?"

"Why, yes, I think I do," Shepard looked over at Joker and then back out at the stars that zoomed past, "He's also the reason I know I'm not some Cerberus zombie out for brains, or some weird defective clone. If it weren't for him, I don't know where I would be," her mood had gone from joking and playful to depressed, leaving Joker at a loss for words.

"Commander, I…" he started, but Shepard had gotten up and replaced his hat, before his brain had had the chance to try to form words.

"I should go," Shepard said, leaving her back to Joker.

"Okay. See you, Commander."

Joker turned his head to watch her go, a slight slump in her shoulders he knew only he would recognize.

The doors to the med-bay opened and Shepard walked in, plopping herself down in the seat opposite Chakwas. The look on her face was a mixture of sadness and confusion.

"Addie, what's wrong?"

"I need a drink. Preferably stiff."

"I'll give you a drink, if you tell me what's bothering you."

Shepard knew that Chakwas had the only key to the cabinet with all the liquor on the ship, and she wasn't about to argue, even if she wanted to.

"I don't really know. I was on the bridge talking with Joker. Well, joking around mostly, but I started thinking about everything's that happened since I woke up. The mood just got heavy, it felt awkward. So, I left and came here. I think I'm losing it, Karin," Shepard leaned forward and slammed her forehead on the counter, groaning at the pain.

Glasses clinked as Chakwas poured them both some of the brandy that Shepard had given her as a replacement for her previous bottle.

"You and Jeff have always been friends," Chakwas said, crossing her legs and keeping an eye on Shepard as she lifted her head, a red mark now gracing her forehead, and took her glass, staring into its amber depths.

"Yes, but I was thinking about how he came back without question. How is it that he could accept me working with Cerberus, but Kaidan couldn't… wouldn't. I'm not a traitor … am I?"

"Don't listen to Kaidan. He'd moved on, and he was hurt. People will say anything to hurt someone, when they feel that they have been wronged. It's not your fault. You were dead, Addie. What you've gone through… what you are going through, it can't be easy."

"It's not, but I had forgotten for a moment that two years had gone by. It's hard for me to remember that what feels like yesterday to me, was two years ago for everyone else. I guess some part of me wanted to believe that everything would just go back to 'normal', like it had with Joker. When I'm with him nothing feels like it's changed," Shepard raised the glass and took a mouthful, swallowing hard past the lump in her throat. "I thought Kaidan and I had something, but I guess a few months of charged emotions and a night between the sheets in a moment of overzealous passion doesn't count for much."

"Don't be so hard on yourself, or Kaidan. You were important to all of us, some just handled the loss worse than others. If I had to say who handled it the worst, it'd almost be a tie between Jeff and Kaidan," Chakwas sighed and took a mouthful of brandy from her own glass.

"What?"

"I'm not surprised that Jeff didn't tell you, but Kaidan blamed him. Though I think Jeff blamed himself more than anyone else did," she paused thinking back to the destruction of the SR1, "When his pod landed and you weren't there, Kaidan started screaming at Jeff. I don't remember now what exactly was said. I do remember it took three of our strongest to pull Kaidan off of him. Jeff was in the hospital for well over a month after that. He was damn lucky Kaidan didn't kill him."

"It's not Joker's fault. I wasn't fast enough. If I hadn't looked back to make a final sweep before that last shot from the collectors had hit, I could have been sitting there in that pod with Joker. I am the Commander, essentially the Captain, if anybody was going to go down with the Normandy, it sure as hell wasn't going to be Joker, or anyone else, for that matter. It had to be me."

"Kaidan understood that, but he didn't like it. Jeff… he just felt that he had failed and killed the only friend he had ever had in the entire galaxy. After your memorial service, they sent him with me to Mars. I don't think there was a moment he didn't spend curled up in a bottle trying to hide from the pain. I was always afraid he was going to hurt himself, or worse. It wasn't until Cerberus got into contact with us that he stopped. He wanted it to be like nothing had changed, though everything had."

"I never knew."

"Jeff doesn't like to talk about it, not even to me. He has nightmares same as you do. He thinks that he's back in the escape pod. He tries to sleep, but he's afraid to, I know he'll never admit it."

Shepard quickly swallowed the rest of her drink, shaking her head as it burned on the way down.

"He doesn't want to worry you, or anyone else," Chakwas said, smiling, "Jeff would walk around in pain for weeks before finally bothering to ask for help. He's stubborn as an ox, but sweet as a bunny, somewhere beneath that prickly exterior."

"Is there anything I can do?"

"That's for you to decide. I've tried to help him the best I can, but what I've tried hasn't worked."

Shepard stood up to leave bowing her head to the doctor, "Thanks for the drink. I have to go see a man about a meal."

"Goodbye, Addie," Chakwas said as the door closed behind Shepard.

"Gardner, I need to commandeer kitchen," Shepard said rummaging through the cabinets and pulling things out.

"Go right ahead, though, may I ask what for?"

"Hamburger?" Shepard was moving about like a chicken with its head cut off, too busy looking for ingredients to pay attention.

"Excuse me?"

"You still have some of that hamburger I got for you from the Citadel?"

"Yeah, of course I do."

"I need some of that, enough for a patty, oh, and a large potato."

"I could whip it up for you Commander, if you're hungry," Gardner said, looking for the requested items.

"This is special, and I want to be the one to make it. You understand, right?"

"Of course, ma'am. Just let me know how I can help."

Joker swore that he could smell a burger and fries; he knew that the sleep deprivation had to finally be getting to him, if he was having aromatic hallucinations. And the damn taunting smell seemed to only be getting stronger the more he thought about it. His mouth began to water.

A hand then appeared over his shoulder handing him a rootbeer with a small stack of napkins.

"I must be hallucinating," he muttered, staring at the soda and the napkins in front of him.

"You are not," EDI replied, her blue orb popping up from the console, "the Commander has food and is handing you a soda."

"She's right, you're not crazy, at least not yet" Shepard said as Joker took the drink.

"Is that really a hamburger or are you just making me drool for your warped enjoyment?"

"It is," she said placing the tray of food in front of him.

"You didn't?" Joker was in shock, "How?"

"Supplies I pick up on the Citadel a while back."

"Is that horseradish?"

"Yep."

Joker pinched himself and Shepard laughed.

"You're not dead, dreaming, or in any other form that makes this moment in time impossible or improbable," she said taking her seat as Joker bit into the burger, giving off a delighted moan as he ate.

"Are you sure? I didn't think that Gardner knew how to cook something that actually tasted like food and not ass."

"Who said he did?" Shepard had to try hard not to laugh at the suddenly confused look on Joker's face.

"You did this?" he looked from the burger to Shepard and back again.

"Special, just for my favorite pilot," Shepard's smile reached her eyes grey eyes, making them seem more alive than they had in quite some time.

"I think I'm in love, Commander," Joker finally said, after the momentary pause in his thought process from the shock.

"Really, now?" she quirked an eyebrow and tilted her head questioningly.

"Yeah, my mom always said that Moreau men are suckers for food. After all the fastest way to man's heart-" his sentence stopped as he put a fry in his mouth.

"Is through his chest with a sharp knife," Shepard finished, smirking in a pathetic attempt to not laugh.

"That's morbid," Joker shook his head in mocked disapproval and took another bite out of the burger, closing his eyes as he chewed.

"In my experience, I've found my way to be much more effective."

"Are you secretly an Ardat-Yakshi wearing a human disguise?"

"Really, Joker?"

"Just checking. Can't be too careful. They do have that death fetish."

Shepard laughed, and a comfortable silence fell between the two as Joker ate and Shepard stared out into the passing stars marveling at the vastness of it all. The darkness seemed to reach out to her, call to her, and she could feel that whatever was out there wasn't done with her yet. A cold feeling began to settle over her, the same feeling one would get if a bucket of ice water had been dumped on their head. It permeated into her very being and chilled her to the bone.

"You ever think about the SR1?" she asked, breaking the silence as she pulled her eyes away from the stars, the cold feeling slowly draining away.

"All the time, she was my baby."

Joker's mind flashed back two years. Flames, the smell of burning eezo and the dryness of pure oxygen in his helmet. Pressley was dead, that he knew. There was too much else for his to pay attention to for him to look around and see who else might have fallen. His hands flew in front of him, and despite his best efforts, Joker knew that the Normandy was lost. They were leaking fuel, and the ship was torn apart. There was nothing he could do, but he had to try.

The Collectors were coming around for another attack. He begged her to hold together, he just had to buy everyone else time to escape. This was what he had trained for, the ability to protect others from the skies. The Normandy was a part of Joker, and if she was going down, so was he, but they'd fight until the end.

Suddenly a hand was on his shoulder, and he heard Shepard yelling at him to get up and leave the Normandy. Joker wouldn't abandon her, he couldn't. He argued, saying things he knew weren't true. He knew he was fighting a losing battle, he just couldn't give up, he wouldn't.

It was that moment that still haunted Joker. It was the reason he didn't sleep, because when he did that day played before him over and over, a replayed horror.

It always ended with him in the escape pod as he watched Shepard struggle against the cold vacuum of space, as he beat his hands against the pod door until they were broken and bloodied, doing everything he could in vain to try and save her. He could still hear himself calling her name as his tears mixed with hi blood on the floor of the pod.

Sometimes Joker wished that Kaidan had killed him instead of just beating him. It hadn't been until then he had realized he'd loved her as more than the friend she had been, and there was now nothing he could do. Death had seemed like a kind punishment, to him, for the crime of being responsible for Shepard death. At least then he could have the hope of seeing her again and setting things right.

With her sitting before him now, he couldn't even muster up the courage to ask for her forgiveness, or tell her that he loved her more than the ship.

"Do you remember that time you were with Wrex and you headbutted him?"

"Ugh, yes," she scrunched her face at the remembered pain, "not my brightest idea. The headache after that was brutal."

"If I remember right, you said it was worse than a hangover from Ryncol."

"Never again."

"Says the woman that collects murderers, mercenaries and assassins for fun."

"It's business," Shepard said waving him off.

"You need a hobby," Joker was about to point his finger at her, but thought better of it.

"I have a hobby."

"Oh? Do tell."

"I collect model ships, not just murderers, mercenaries and assassins"…

Okay, that was chapter one. The next chapter might take a little while, because I have yet to type it. I do things the "old" fashioned way of handwritting, then typing (editing while typing) and then going back to edit again.

I hope that there weren't too many typos or grammatical errors. Please let me know if there is anything glaring that must be fixed.

I am also trying to keep Joker in character as much as I can.

Thank you for reading and please review, they keep me motivated.

MM