Resolve
Disclaimer: "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" and all related
characters are the creations of Joss Whedon.
Continuity: Buffy's thoughts during her coma in "The
Weight of the World."
Authors Note: This is a repost: I accidently posted the rough
draft instead of my final copy the first time.
I can't deal with this again. I won't deal with this again.
I killed my sister.
I'm supposed to be the hero, I'm supposed to be strong.
But I couldn't do a damn thing to stop Glory from taking her and I've
failed and now it's all gone to hell.
Yeah, I'm real strong alright, a regular superhero. The world's in danger (again) and I can't
even get out of my own head.
Dracula flashes an aristocratic smirk: "The famous killler."
It's been a while since I fought one that didn't know
me. I don't like being famous. It means I've been at this way too
long. Saved the world six or seven
times, which is fine so far as that goes.
Except it's never enough. Mom .
. .Tara . . .Dawn . . . .god, even those stupid Knights, I couldn't save them, nothing I could do:
Glory cut through them in seconds, I don't think I've seen so much blood in one
place before.
I can't take it anymore.
I won't take it anymore.
I killed my
sister.
This is it, this is the last one. Glory will kill me, how else can it end?
She's a God for crying out loud, and I don't care anymore, I quit, I'm done,
it's over. Just leave me alone and let someone else save the world for once if it's
so fucking important, I don't care anymore except . . .
Dawn sounds so frightened. "Buffy? What's wrong with
Mom?"
How can I give up on Dawn? I don't know how I could . . .no, that's not true. We don't talk about it, neither of us has,
but we both know the doctor said that radiation was a possible cause of the
tumor, and Mom, from what I've been able to figure out she didn't start to show
symptoms until after the monks
created Dawn. . . No.
I can't blame her.
I won't blame her.
I killed my sister.
It's my fault anyway: she's just a blob of energy, I'm the
one with the superpowers. I'm the one
who's strong, that's why they sent her to me.
To protect her. I'm supposed to
be a hero. I'm supposed to be strong. Strong?
The First Slayer's eyes meet mine: "Death is your
gift."
Willow's in here now.
She wants to talk to me, wants to pull me out: they need me to be strong
for them again, to save the world again.
I just want to scream at her: "Do it yourself damnit, I'm
tired."
I can't do it anymore.
I won't do it anymore.
I killed my sister.
It's been a while since I've fought one that didn't know
me. The vampires are all afraid of me now, they think I'm so strong. It didn't used to be that way: they saw a
regular girl, lunch. How sad is it that
the only way I got treated like I was normal was when some monster tried to
kill me? Now I don't even get
that.
Willow's still talking.
I should probably listen to what she has to say " . . . Buffy you've carried the weight
of the world on your shoulders since
high school. . .."
I just want to be a little girl again, with a mommy and a
daddy who love me and a little sister I can take care of without having to
worry about vampires and monsters and whether or not the world's going to end
tonight . . . and if I keep this up
it'll be my fault and I honestly don't care about that at all. I'm just so fucking tired of having to be
strong all the time. I quit. I'm done, it's over, I don't care anymore. Except . . ..
Dawn.
I can't do it anymore . . . it's been a while . . . I
killed my sister . . . I don't care . . . Dawn
. . . I'm supposed to be strong.
Okay, Willow, I'm coming.
But not because it's the right thing, because the world depends on it,
not even for you Will, as much as I love you and all the others too.
For Dawn.
Because as tough as I'm supposed to be, I'm not strong
enough to lose her too. No one can ask
me to be that strong.
I can't lose her.
I won't lose her.
I can be strong for my sister. I will be strong for my
sister.
Even if it kills me.
