written by Kat_Aclysm
Rated G because it's fairly tame.
DISCLAIMER: Mogs are little cats. They're in a quite a few Final Fantasies, but they aren't mine. Final Fantasy VII ain't mine either. It belongs to SquareSoft. I wish it WAS, but we can't have everything now, can we?
NOTE: This fic is ridiculous. It's also a sort of parody to "Mog House", that arcade game in the Gold Saucer in FFVII. Have fun reading.
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Our story starts in a quiet little unknown part of the Final Fantasy VII world known as Mog Island where Mogs li...
"HEY!!" Cloud yelled suddenly. "I have a Gold Chocobo, which means I can go anywhere, but I've never even seen Mog Island!!"
You'll never find it Cloud, no matter how hard you try. Sorry. Now anyway, where was I? Oh yes, Mog Island is home to a rare species of animal known as the Mog. Mogs are timid little cats that hav......
"Can't you at least give me a hint?" Cloud interrupted. "Where's Mog Island?"
I'm not telling, Cloud! Now go away because you're not in this story!! Go pick a fight with Sephiroth or something.....
"Can't." Cloud pouted. "Sephiroth's playing chess with Rufus."
Well just go away Cloud, you're not supposed to be talking during this story because you're not supposed to be in it.
*Ahem* Now, Mogs are timid little creatures, in the sense that they only come out to play when there's no threats or dangers to them. Of course, I never said anything about Mogs being a danger to themselves...... anyway...
Mogs aren't exactly the sharpest pins in the cushion. But they are incredibly adorable. So now you know a bit about Mogs.
"I hate you."
Good Cloud. Now you'll at least shut up.
Let's start the story.......
Mog was a quiet little Mog. He lived in Mog House, in Mog Forest, at the foot of Mt. Mog, the highest (and only) mountain on Mog Island. Mog was all alone in his little house, he had no female Mog to spend the rest of his days on the earth with. It made him really frustrated too, it was his only motivation to get off the ground and fly.
"Moo mog pipapopupo!! Moogle!!!" Mog yelled.....
.... but we couldn't understand what he was saying because we don't speak Moogle.
"I do." Cloud said suddenly.
Somehow, I doubt that.
"No, really!" Cloud said quickly. "My Chocobo can speak it!"
Oh come on Cloud, I really don't think.....
"How do you explain the Choco-Mog Materia then!?"
Good question.
"No translations then........." Cloud hummed.
Alright!! Shut up!! Anyway, we decided to use Cloud's Golden Chocobo to interpret all the moogle-speak. Therefore, you'll be able to understand what the Mogs say in this fanfiction from now on.
"Hah." Cloud said smugly. "Now you have to say sorry to me. I helped you out with this fanfiction."
I'm sorry Cloud.
"Say it like you mean it."
I'm really sorry, Cloud.
"I can't hear yooouuu....."
I'M SO SO SORRY, CLOUD!!!
"Gosh, you didn't have to yell!!"
Can we get on with the story now?
"Yes."
Good.
"It's not fair!! I'm 28 years old! Waaah!!" Mog yelled.
Mog was just another Mog who should be out there looking for a mate (much like the author), instead of sitting in his house all day playing with the PlayStation (how they can is beyond me). Before Mog could become an adult, he first needed to learn how to fly. Even though he practised every day, he still couldn't seem to get off the ground.
"Kupo!!" Mog yelled. "It's not fair! I can't fly!!"
He jumped up and down, and had a Mog-Temper-Tantrum on the spot. Just then, a large nut flew out of nowhere and hit him on the head.
"MOOG!!" Mog screamed. "That really hurt!!"
He walked over to the object that had just hit him, and thought it nothing more than a brown rock. On second inspection, he realised what it was - his most favourite food of all. A Kupo Nut. Kupo Nuts are good for Mogs. But too many will make them too fat to fly.
"Can I tell the rest of the story??"
Alright Cloud. If you must.....
"Okay," Cloud smiled. "Anyway, Mog was a bastard because he didn't tell Cloud where Mog Island was. And then Sephiroth came along, Cloud got mad and Omnislashed him into millions of tiny pieces. Then he married Tifa and they had two beautiful children together..... and they were the most powerful children you ever saw, because their father was the strongest guy who ever lived and then they......"
Shut up Cloud.
"But....."
I said shut up Cloud. Do I have to get the duct tape and shut your mouth for you again?
"No...."
Do you want me to get the Masamune out? Do you want that to happen?
"No...!"
Then shut up while I tell the story.
"Okay...."
Good.
Anyway, Mog picked up the Kupo Nut and chewed it up, thoroughly. Beating his wings furiously, he took off into the sky happily and flew around for a few minutes before descending to the forest floor near his house once again.
"Hooray hooray!!" Mog yelled happily. "I can fly!! Hooray!!!"
"Mog went into his house and slept for the night, because flying was very tiring and he was a very unfit little fatass little cat who shouldn't be starring in the story, and Cloud is the best, and Mog should be telling Cloud where Mog Island is and--- AAAAAH!!!"
SHUT UP CLOUD!!! WHAT DID I SAY BEFORE?!
"Not to interrupt?"
Correct. So why do you persist with it?
"Because....." Cloud pouted. "You never let me have any fun."
Who said you were supposed to?
"......."
That's a good boy. Keep being silent. Anyways, as Cloud said, Mog went to sleep for the night because his special flying feat had him tired out and he really needed the rest.
Now, one day, a few months later, Mog could smell a rather attractive scent in the air. Putting his furry little nose to the window, he sniffed and sniffed and sniffed and---
"And then he got high off the cocaine, and told Cloud where Mog forest was, and Cloud went there and looked around and stole Materia, and then Cloud used it to kill Sephiroth in the Northern Cave, and then Cloud was deemed a hero by everybody and---"
Shut UP Cloud. PLEASE.
"Alright...."
I'm NOT going to tell you again. Next time it's the duct tape, and I mean it, comprehende??
"Understood...."
Good.
NOW ANYWAY, before I was so rudely interrupted, Mog smelt a curiously attractive scent, and so awed by it was he that he had to go outside and see what it was. It was then he saw it - A female Mog!!
"Uhm, excuse me...."
Yes Cloud?
"Why does the female Mog smell? I don't understand it, she hasn't had a bath?"
Well, wait Cloud. Ever heard of pheromones?
"Feral...what?"
Pheromones. Animals in the animal kingdom use them to attract members of the opposite sex, it makes them appear very attractive to the opposite sex, and it makes them want to go up to them and try to well..... a male meets a female.... they're attracted.... fill in the blanks.
"You mean like Tifa's perfume?"
Ugh, yes, but her perfume is nothing BUT pheromone.
"Huh?"
Nevermind Cloud. Go back to Sex Education class and learn about it. Or look up the word in the dictionary, but knowing you, I doubt you even know what one IS.
"Hey, I know what a dictionary is!!!" Cloud defended. "I use them to prop up the TV!!"
Nevermind Cloud....
Anyways, Mog ran outside and greeted the female Mog with little pip noises. But she was uninterested in his noises, and began to preen her face with her paw. Mog was a little upset with the response, but wasn't going to give up.
"AAAH!!"
What's wrong Cloud??
"I looked up 'pheromone' on dictionary.com, and it says that a pheromone is a scent that arouses a sexual response!!"
Well..... yes....
"That means that Mog wants to have sex with that female Mog!!!"
Uhm..... so?
"They're not even married!!!"
Cloud Cloud, calm down boy. They're animals, they don't need to get married.....
"But Kermit the frog married Miss Piggy on Sesame Street!"
Yes, but they're divorced now. Anyway, where was I?
Anyway, Mog realised that in order to get this girl to like him, he would have to impress her. And by impressing her, he would have to do something he was very good at, but probably not urinating off the side of a bridge as she would most likely be disgusted.
Little Mog waddled up to her with his chest puffed up, and said very loudly:
"KU, KU, KUPO!!!"
The female Mog turned her back to him and made a quiet snorting noise. Mog was so discouraged that even the pompom on his head drooped. But he wasn't discouraged for long. He just put his nose to the forest floor, sniffed around a little and picked up two kupo nuts. Devouring them quickly, he jumped back onto his mushroom, beat his little Mog wings and took off, soaring around her, flapping furiously, flying all over the place.
The female Mog turned around and watched him fly, and jumped for joy at his little feat. After Mog had landed once again, she waddled up to him and gave him a big hug and a kiss on the nose. Mog smiled, cuddled her, and kissed her right back. Then he invited her inside his house for the night.
The two Mogs talked, and learned about each other. Mog learned that the female Mog's name was Mag, and she was a very good natured Mog out looking for a mate because she was nearly 'pipapopupo' years old herself. Mog purred at her happily and she purred back at him. He liked her, and she liked him. Mog believed in love at first sight. He waddled over and cuddled the little girl Mog lovingly and told her that they should really get to know each other a lot better. She agreed, and asked if she could live there with him.
"Hmm... Mog relationships start fast, don't they?"
Well Cloud, they ARE only animals.
"This scene confuses me... isn't it supposed to be the female trying to court the male into having sex with her?"
Well, no, the male coaxes the female into it a lot more...
"That's not how it happens with Tifa and me. In fact, she's always trying to get into my pants and---"
CLOUD!
"Hmmmm?"
I don't need to hear that.
"Why not?"
It's YOUR personal life, and nobody is supposed to know about it but you and your partner. It's just not said.
"Alright."
Thankyou for sparing me the details, my friend.
"HEY!! I'm not your friend!!"
Howcome? Why do you say that?
"Because..." Cloud pouted. "You said I wasn't allowed to be in your story."
Oh sod off!
"What?"
Ohh... phh.... go on Cloud. Tell the rest OF THE STORY.
"...Really???" Cloud said happily. "You really mean that?!"
Yes of course I do. Just make sure you tell the end of the Mog Story, and how it's supposed to end, you know? Happily ever after.
"Oh cool...."
"OKay..." Cloud said happily. "So the male Mog asked the female Mog to live with him, and so they did and then they got married, and had lots and lots of sex, and then the female Mog got pregnant and had lots of Moglings and Cloud came along and gave one of the Moglings to Tifa as a present when it was okay for the Mogling to leave it's mother.... and..."
Uhh... Cloud....
"...and then the Father and the Mother Mog came after Tifa and they kicked her ass for being in possession of one of their babies and..."
*puts hand over Cloud's mouth* The Mogs started a family of their own, and lived happily ever after. The end.
"And then Cloud retaliated by running the sergeant over in his pick up truck with monster wheels, and then....
Cloud?
"..and then a giant vat of rancid yogurt fell on them all, and a bus crashed into the rancid yogurt and then...."
Uhh, Cloud?
"..... and then I put the sun in my pocket and threw it at them, and then...."
CLOUD!!!!!!!
"Yes?"
It's the end of the story now. You can go home.
"Oh, okay...."
~fin.
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