The Zidane and Garnet Show!
A freaky thing by: Yuna Clendenen
with help by: Sarmina Yin
Hi yep it's me Yuna Clendenen..probably sick of me, huh?
well I got a little story to tell..from my crazy mind..this is freaky so watch out..it's only rated PG 13 but its freaky. REVIEW! Oh and email me at halfjapprincess@mailasia.com. I wanna talk! Hee hee!
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Yuna: Me the author..
Garnet: My story!
Yuna: Heres the cast! *claps*
Mog; The manager of "Eww" (you will find out what it is ^^)
Vivi; Wants a job...
Amerant; Wants a job..
Zidane; A teenage boy
Garnet; A teenage girl
Lani; She thinks shes a goldfish O.o
Marcus; A robber
Ruby; A robber-ette
Kuja; A goon!
Mikoto; Another goon!
Freya; A bag lady!
Fratley; A bag freak!
Quina; A fat ass he/she! But I made it a "She"!
Cinna; Pig boy!
Beatrix; A female kidnapper
Steiner; Saddly, A male kidnapper
Eiko; A young girl kidnap-ee
Brahne; Ugly bitch!
Thorn; Freak
Zorn; Another freak
Aya Brea; F.B.I Voice (dont worry..i dont know HOW she got in here! O.O)
Garland; A weird person!
Mikoto; Monkey girl!
Garnet: Yay go cast!
Yuna:..Right. Let begin cause it's long
Garnet: OK!
Yuna: REVIEW! Thanx!
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The place: FAST FOOD RESTAURANT CALLED "EWW"
Why: Beacuse Im bored!
Ok here we are the characters in this are so random..but i just hope you like it! thanx!
Eww is a dirty cruddy restaurant. There are several sets of tables and chairs haphazardly scattered about. Graffiti is on the walls and furniture, and garbage is strewn everywhere.
ACT 1: Zidane And Garnet are SexFreaks!
Manager Mog sits at one of the tables with a stack of applications in front of her. She is suchs a short- tempered tyrant! (don't ask) Amerant, Vivi, and Lani stand about waiting.
Mog: (Calls out) Amerant Coral? ( There is no response) AMERANT CORAL? Is there an Amerant Coral, here? (No response, she looks at another application) Vivi Ortinier er whatever the hell yer freakin' last name is!
Vivi: ( Tentatively raises his hand) Wha..what did I do?
Mog: WHAT DID YOU DO?! You filled an application form to work her at the Eww famliy style restaurant!
Vivi: (freaking out) Oh..um, Sorry I won't do it again!
Mog: What do you mean, you won't do it again? Do you want a job or not?
Vivi: (Tentatively) Well, on the one hand, It would be nice to have the money, On the other hand physical labor is hard on my clothes...
Mog: Well, SOMETHING was hard on your clothes. Your'e filthy! Do you ever take a bath?
Vivi: (Tentatively) Well, on one hand I would be cleaner if I would. But on the other hand, who wants to be cleaner?
Mog: I like you answers Your an Eww kind of person! So, yer hired!
Vivi: I..I am? Will I h-have to actually, well, work?
Mog: You'll be the cook.
Vivi: Cook? I don't know how to cook!
Mog: That's just fine and dandy! We don't have anything worth cooking!
Vivi: *sniffles* I..I burn everything I touch..
Mog: Our food's better that way.
Vivi: (Enthusiastically) Oh, boy! I can't wait to tell Grandpa about my new job!
Mog: I wouldn't do that if I were you.
Vivi: Y-you wouldn't?
Mog: No. Grandparents don;t like to hear them grandkids working at the Eww. It makes them..well, kinda sick to their stomachs. (gagging gesture)
Vivi: (looks around the place) Gee, I wonder why? (He wonders around toward the front door)
Mog: Umm exscuse me, the kitchen's THAT way! (she points to the other direction)
Vivi: (freaked out) KITCHEN!? What's a kitchen?!!
Mog: Well, that's where you cook.
Vivi: Ohhh. (He walks off wide-eyed to the kitchen)
Zidane and Garnet enter the Eww and look around. They are very stupid...yup. ^.^
Garnet: Oh Zidane you are such a great kisser! RAR!
Zidane: Yeah I know.
Garnet: Hee hee!
Zidane: (Excitedly) Hey, Garnet this must be the place!
Garnet: (Smlies broadly) Yeah, Zidane. This must be the place!
Garnet jumps in Zidane's arms and kisses him very passionately disturbing the customers with her groans.
Garnet: (looking at all the stares) SORRY! (Customers continue eating)
Zidane: Garnet, stop doing that in public!
Garnet: OH GOD I'M SO SORRY!
Zidane: Hey, it's A'ite
Garnet: Rude, dude!
Zidane: Slick, chick!
Garnet/Zidane: Yeah! (They slap thier hands as a gesture of exclamation)
Garnet: (She suddenly un-smiles) It must be WHAT place?!
Zidane: Ya know, THE place.
Garnet: (pause) I don't know, WHAT place?
Zidane: (tries again in a different way) Hey-the PLACE.
Garnet: Ohhhhh, the PLACE.
Zidane: Yeah, Yeah. (He looks down her shirt) Garnet I thought you weren't gonna wear a bra!
Garnet: But it feels funny without one!
Zidane: Heh heh, can you put stuff in it?
Garnet: I can get almost anything in here!
Zidane: A million Gil? Can you get a million Gil in there!
Garnet: Sure can.
Zidane: You can't.
Garnet: I can. (pause) If a take my lipstick out first! (She snatches it out)
Zidane: Ohh Yeah! THAT'S BETTER! (looks inside Garnet's shirt and bra) Yeah. That should be plenty of space.
Garnet: (giggles) Oh, Zidane! Yer so bad!
Zidane: Yeah I know I am. But ya got lot's of space in theres!
Garnet: (laughs) Yup. The only place that has more space is that part of my head that's between my ears.
Zidane: (laughs) Yeah, I know.
Garnet stops laughing and stares at Zidane.
Garnet: Did you mean something by that?
Zidane: By what?
Garnet: By what you just said.
Zidane: Well, of course, I did. If I didn't mean anything by it, I wouldn't say it.
Garnet: Oh. Sorry. I wasn't thinking.
Zidane: Yeah, I know.
Garnet looks at him quizzically. She starts to say something, but cannot think of what to say. So, she stops.
Mog: Amerant Coral? Are you here now? Amerant Coral? (No response) Okay, how about Lani No last name given?
Garnet: Lani No last name given? (To Zidane) How would like to have a silly name like that?
Zidane: Yeah. "No last name given" IS a pretty jacked up name.
Garnet: I was talking about Lani! (Zidane stares at her)
Lani: Present, sir. (She stands. She is dressed in gold from head to toe, while she sucks her cheeks in and kneads her mouth like a fish. She works her arms like gills when she walks to the Manager's table.)
Garnet: It's that guy over there! (points to Amerant)
Lani: I'm Lani No last name given, sir.
Zidane: (To Garnet) You could be right...
Mog: That's "Ma'am". What grade are you in, Lani?
Lani: Grade, sir?
Zidane: Or it could be that hobo girl sleeping in garbage can out front.
Garnet: Oh, I think YOU'RE Right, Zidaney!
Mog: You go to school, don't you?
Lani: Well sir..
Mog: IT'S Ma'am!
Lani: I belong to a school of fish, if that's what you mean.
Mog: What school is that?
Lani: It's called "Mama said knock you out" We're actually native to eastern Asia, you know.
Mog: Well, in this school what grade are you in?
Lani: I'm not in a grade. I'm in a bowl.
Mog: A goldfish bowl? (she laughs)
Lani: Certainly.
Mog: (Scowls) Must be a damn big bowl.
Zidane: Hey babe, do you think we should fill out an application?
Garnet: What for, sweetie?
Zidane: For jobs.
Garnet: What would we put on the application?
Zidane: Our names, addresses, and phone numbers.
Garnet: No need!
Zidane: No need?
Garnet: Nope! I already know all that.
Zidane: Hey, that's true. So do I! (They laugh)
Mog: A goldfish, huh?
Lani: From a long line of goldfish, sir.
Mog: You're hired. Report to the kitchen!
Lani: Oh God bless you, sir, thank you! I'll be the first of my species to work outside da tank! (She exits to the kitchen)
Mog: (call toward the kitchen) Oh Vivi? VIVI! Come here. (Pause, and then loudly) TODAY!
Vivi: (trips and falls but gets back up fast) Um, today as in THIS today, or today as in TOMMOROW'S today?
Mog: I want you to change the %$^#ing menu.
Vivi: Change it? I haven't even found it!
Mog: Normally, we serve barbecued Mage fat.
Vivi: (shudders) Y-yes?
Mog: Today's special will be fish.
Vivi: Barbecued fish?
Mog: DAMNIT NO! Barbecued GOLD-fish. You'll find a big one in the kitchen.
Vivi: Well, on the one hand..
Mog: GOLDFISH! YOU LITTLE BLACK BASTARD! GO! GO! GO! (Vivi lazily saunters back into the ktchen tripping and getting back up. Mog the Manager goes back to the first application) Amerant Coral? Is Amerant Coral here yet? WHERE THE %$#@ IS AMERANT CORAL? No? All right, next we have..
Zidane: (As he and Garnet step forward) Zidane and Garnet.
Mog: Ok. Zidane N. Garnet (She thumbs through the applications) I don't see your damn application in here.
Zidane: We don't need one.
Garnet: That's right. We already know who we are!
Amerant: (A freaky-looking red haired guy, he pushes Zidane and Garnet aside and steps forward talking to Mog) Hey, you can't interview those bitches! I was here first!
Mog: Hmm? What's your name?
Amerant: Amerant Coral.
Mog: Amerant Coral? Didn't you hear me call your gay name earlier?
Amerant: YA CALLED MY NAME ALREADY!?
Mog: Yes. Amerant Coral, I called Amerant Coral.
Amerant: Oh, well, you see, I didn't know you meant THIS Amerant Coral. I heard you call Amerant Coral, but there's thousands...maybe even billions of Amerant Corals in this here, world. I thought you meant one of those those other Amerant Corals-ez.
Mog: Well, maybe I did. Let me take a ponder. (She reads from the appilcation) This Amerant Coral lives on 666 Evil Lucifer worshipper street.
Amerant: (shocked) 666 Evil Lucifer worshipper street?! Oh, good heavenz no! (He turns and heads to the door)
Mog: Amerant, where the hell you goin'?
Amerant: That's where I live! If there's another Amerant Coral living in there, I'm kicking his ass out of my house RIGHT NOW! (He runs away screaming like a child)
Mog: (to herself) The world is full of crazy people..I'm glad I'm not one of them. (she smacks herself and gets goggled but turns to normal after 10 seconds)
Mog the Manager turn to Zidane and Garnet who are making out devilishly.
Mog: Well..umm if you two love birdies will have a seat-in the middle of the street out there-I'll get to you in a day or two.
Garnet: Oh, no. You dont understand! We can't wait! We've gotta have Sex scheduled at 7:15 P.M.!
Zidane: Garnet you are such a dumb ass. So, so idiotic. Here we are applying for a very important job, and you tell this boss lady we can't wait because of Sex? Tsk, Tsk, Shame on you. BAD DOG! NO BOO FOO FOR YOU! (Garent whines like a doggie and Zidane truns to the manager) Actually, Today it's Oral. Love making was yesterday. (pause) See, every Thursday we get together and..
Mog: (about to barf) I'm am not interested in your love story!
Garnet: This is not his love story! If he told you his love story, oh, well, you would say "DAMN HE'S GOOD!" You would. Believe me.
Mog: "Damn he's good"? I would say "Damn he's good"? Why would I say "Damn he's good"?
Garnet: Well, most people do. Well, anyway, I did. Maybe you would say, "WHAT'S MY NAME!"
Zidane: (indicating the Manager) I know all about girls. That's more her style.
Garnet: Or maybe, "DON'T STOP PLEASE NEVER STOP!!!!" Although I don't know WHY you would say that.
Mog: (angrily) I wouldn't say that - or any of those ridiculous things! Look, I'm interviewing candidates for jobs here at the Eww. What are you two doing?
Zidane: Oh, we plan to take the jobs.
Garnet: Yeah. Assuming the salary is acceptable.
Zidane: And vacation time.
Garnet: And time off for GOOD behavior.
Zidane: That, too.
Mog: I haven't offered you the jobs!
Zidane: But, you see, we need the $hit.
Garnet: And we noticed you have a $hit truck out back!
Zidane: I meant money.
Garnet: A money truck?
Zidane: NO! That WAS $hit!!
Garnet: That's what I said, honey!!!
Zidane: (rolls eyes and talks to manager) But we need money.
Garnet: Lot's of Gil!
Zidane: A million Gil, in fact.
Garnet: (pulling down her shirt) See? I'm even wearing my bra to put it in!
Mog: You expect to make a million Gil working here at the Eww!?
Zidane: Yeah, Plus a few tips.
Garnet: And we need to have it by 8:00 P.M. today.
Mog: (nearly fainting) A MILLION GIL!?
Zidane: Plus tips.
Garnet: So you won't need these other applications! (She picks up the pile and rips the sheets into small pieces)
Mog: (flustered) Stop that! Damnit! Give me tose! Will you..if you..don't..Do you know that I could..GIVE ME THOSE &%*@ING THINGS!
Garnet: These? (She holds up the ripped applicationd) Sure. Here. (She drops the pieces into the Manager's hands so they mostly float to the floor.)
Mog: (frustrated) Why in the hell did you do that? Do you know how long it took me to get all these God damn applications?!
Zidane: (thinks) Well, let me see. Hmmm. Any ideas, Garnet?
Garnet: Yeah! I have an idea!
Zidane: Let's hear it.
Garnet: Ok, wel, they should eliminate check out counters at grocery stores so we can go home faster to have Sex!
Zidane: Yeah?
Garnet: YEAH!
Zidane: I like that idea (To Mog) What do you think?
Mog: About what?!
Zidane: So, now that we've proven we have ideas, when do we starts work?
Mog: What?! You two Sex proned teenagers will never work at the eww! (thinks) But, tell you what. Down the street, the Kentucky fried chocobo is looking for people to dress up like chocobos with advertisements on thier backs and parade in the middle of the street during rush hour. If you're lucky, maybe you'll get run over by a truck.
Zidane: OH HELLZ NO!
Garnet: Ha! We're not falling for that!
Zidane: What do you take us for?!
Garnet: We're not just a couple of Sexfreaks!
Mog: (pretending innocence) Why, what ever do you mean?
Zidane: They don't allow trucks on the street.
Garnet: That's right! Car traffic only!
Mog: (losing her patience) Then maybe you be run over by the crappy cars!
Zidane: I guess that would be alright.
Garnet: Yeah. They're smaller, so they won't hurt as much. (twitches)
Mog: Then go! Go! Go! Down the damn street. Take a right at the light! (She tries to shove them out the door) And then walk in front of the first car you see. Don't even wait for the Chocobo costume.
Zidane: (pushes the Manager back) Nah, We've already decided. We're gonna make our stand..
Garnet: And our million bucks...
Zidane: And make love..
Garnet: French kiss..
Zidane: Right here at the Eww!
Garnet: We're going to work for YOU! (dances around freakishly)
Mog: (to herself) Why did I get out of bed this morning? I knew it was gonna be one of those days. Mm horoscope said I'd catch two sexproned freaks trying to work at my restaurant. It also said I would catch a cold. At least that part's impossible. It's not even cold out.
Zidane: So what do we do?
Garnet: Yeah yeah yeah!! Lead the way!
Mog: Let me be as clear as humanly possible. The only way you two dumbasses could work at the Eww Famliy Stlye Restaurant is...is if I was locked in the freezer back there!
Zidane: Freezer?
Mog: Yes, freezer.
Garnet: Back there?
Mog: Yes! In the kitchen. (She points to it)
Zidane: (as he and Garnet look at eachother) Well, uh, would you mind showing us where the freezer is?
Mog: What? Show you where it is!? Why should I...well..well, Yes! I'll show you where it is. Right this way, kids. (She stalks off to the kitchen)
Garnet: I wonder why she wants to be locked in the freezer?
Zidane: I don't know. Maybe she's one of those..heh heh..kinky girls.
Garnet: (smacks him) HOW DARE YOU! I HATE YOU!
Zidane: (rubs his face) Ow! Damnit! I'm sory I didn't mean it! I love you so much!
Garnet: That's more like it! (applies more lipstick) Well, if that's what it takes for us to get these jobs, I guess we should oblige her.
Zidane: Guess so..
They exit into the kitchen. After several seconds, Marcus and Ruby enter. Each wearing Lone Ranger style masks. Marcus grunts as he drags a huge , filled bag behind him, while Ruby carries a gun and watches over their rear.
Marcus: Are they still on our tails, Ruby?
Ruby: Maybe. Those creeps were real unpleasent, Marcus. First, they do everythin' they can to prevent us from rippin' them off. Then they trial us like a couple of thisty bloodhounds!
Marcus: I know. You can't even mug a guy in peace anymore.
Ruby: They're goin' from shop to shop peepin' in da windows!
Marcus: Well, it'll take 'em a few mintues to discover we ducked in here.
Ruby: (looks around the room) YUCKY POO! What in tarnation is this? A frickin' sewer?!
Marcus: (sniffs) Sure damn smells like it.
Ruby: What a dump! Trash on da tables, garbage on da floor! GRAFFITI ON DA WALLS!!
Marcus: Yeah (smiles) Reminds me of home.
Ruby: (sigh) I reckon it does. Except for that a few years back when I cleaned up a' little.
Marcus: Enough good time memories. Look around. See if there's a good place to hide the loot.
Ruby: How much did ya say was in theres?
Marcus: Oh, a jillion gil. Give or take a billion.
Ruby: Seems odd some loons would have that much loot on them.
Marcus: Yeah well, they are big tippers.
Ruby: What do ya think they all' will do to us if they catch us?
Marcus: Well, they won't invite us to a birthday party, that's for sure.
Ruby: Yeah. With this kind of money we all's can have our own little get down bash!
Marcus: That's right. Why, we can spend a whole week lounging on the beach.
Ruby: Huh? Only a dang week?
Marcus: Well, I hear Hawaii's pretty exspensive.
Ruby: (looks out the window) Oh hell! I think they'all headin' this way! Quick stash da loot!
Marcus: (using all his strength he pulls the bag one direction then looks up) Nope. (he pulls it to another direction) Nope. (another) Nope. (and another) Nope!
Ruby: Marucs you'r really in a mood! You'all right back were ya started!
Marcus: Too late no, Ruby. Let's shake a leg!
Ruby: Hurry up! They'all almost heres! (They simultaneously shake thier left legs, then run out of the Eww leaving the bag on the floor)
Kuja and Mikoto enter the Eww wanting to beat the crap outta Ruby and Marcus.
Kuja: (swings a bat he got from the store) When we find'em, I get three strikes at 'em.
Mikoto: They musta come in here. This is the only open business in the area.
Kuja: Why is that? (putting on blue mascara)
Mikoto: When they cook in this slimy kitchen, nobody withen thirty blocks can stnad the smell. So they moved out. Cleaned out the whole block.
Kuja: (sniffs) I "sense" what you're talking about. (he holds his nose) In a place like this, those two thieves must be grossed out! (acts girly) ICKY POO POO!
Mikoto: When we catch. We will toture them making them eat here for a week!
Kuja: ICKY!! ICKY POO! Talk about ehh! (pause and stands girlish) Let me at 'em! (He swings his bat almost knocking down Mikoto)
Mikoto: Hey, Watch it! You nealy hit me, ya fag!
Kuja: Don't worry.
Mikoto: Don't worry?
Kuja: Naw. When I was in the majors I couldn't hit nothing. I could sling my bat over the left left field wall, but I couldn't hit first base with it.
Mikoto: Hey, Kuja! You weren't supposed to hit first base with the bat!
Kuja: I wasn't?
Mikoto: No. You were supposed to hit the ball, silly!
Kuja: That same ball they were throwing at little old me?
Mikoto: Yes.
Kuja: I couldn't do that..
Mikoto: Why?
Kuja: I was just too busy ducking it.
Mikoto: Such a girl! If ya can't hit anything how do you expect to do damage to those robbers when we catch'em?
Kuja: I thought I'd give them a good scolding.
Mikoto: (pause) A good scolding?
Kuja: Yup yup yup!
Mikoto: That's how you plan to punish them - By scolding them?!
Kuja: Yeah, plus a little butt rape or two! (giggles)
Mikoto: (thinks) Well, that might work.
Kuja: Yes it will!
Mikoto: Let me call the boss and give him a report. (she dials her phone) Hey, Garland, It's me, Mikoto. Yeah Kuja the fag is with me too. He's standing right here checking himself out. We havn't found the robbers yet, still lookin'. (pause) Money bag? (she takes a step and trips over the big money bag) Oww! No, we havn't seen it. have you seen it Kuja?
Kuja: (applying Red Revelon lipstick) Naw, I ain't seen it.
Mikoto: He has not seen it either. And, if I haven't seen it and he hasn't seen it, then niether of us has seen it. (pause) Ok, boss. Anything you say, boss. Sure, boss. (She hangs up)
Kuja: (puckering lips) What did he say?
Mikoto: He's not our boss no more.
Kuja: He is'nt?!
Mikoto: Nope he fired himself from us.
Kuja: You mean, we're out of a job?
Mikoto: I think so
Kuja: It's back to unemployment lines.
Mikoto: Yes and theres a lot of jobs for out-of-work-goons.
Kuja: I think this time we oughts to eat eat out of up-scale gabage cans. What do you think?
Mikoto: I think we find the money anyway.
Kuja: Garland's money? But we're not working for him anymore.
Mikoto: No. But we're getting the money for US. Don't you see We get to keep it.
Kuja: Yeah, well, I don't know, it's only only-what?-a jillion gil.
Mikoto: But thats alot of dough.
Kuja: It is? How many purple gumballs can we buy with it?
Mikoto: We could buy the whole gumball machine!
Kuja: Really!
Mikoto: And have enough left over for stage makeup. (the phone rings) Excues me. (she picks it up) Yes, this is Mikoto. Oh, ex-boss Garland, it's you. (pause) Ok, new boss Garland. Anything you say, boss. Right, boss! (she hangs up)
Kuja: What did he say?
Mikoto: He rehired himself to us. He said we will get a bonus if we find th money.
Kuja: How much bonus?
Mikoto: 10 Gil.
Kuja: (pause)..10 Gil?
Both: (look at each other, smile, and dance about) Hey! Now that's REAL money!
Kuja: This way, girlfriend!
Mikoto: I'm right behind you, But I don't want to touch the food in here. I don't want you coming down with another AIDS virus again! (they exit to the kitchen)
After a brief moment, Lani No last name given runs in her swimming-like fashion and turns back to face the kitchen. Vivi appears with a big kitchen knife)
Vivi: Sorry, Lani, n-nothing personal. The manager said barbecued goldfish.
Lani: You can't barbecue me!
Vivi: On the one hand it would be quite a challenge. On the other hand..I can try! (he chase Lani around the room, over one table, under another) Stop! You can't go away! You're the dinner special for today. Come back here. Please?
Lani: You can't do this to me!
Vivi: I have to. I've already changed the menu.
Lani: The only people who eat goldfish are cats! (she runs out the front door)
Vivi: Me-e-eow! (he runs out the door after Lani)
TO BE CONTINUED
Part 2 is coming soon! ah! evil, huh?
what will happen to Lani? What will Garnet and Zidane do with Mog? Will Ruby and Marcus ever get caught? Tune in next time!
Yuna: Hi like my story, REVIEW! Next part coming up soon! I promise
Garnet: Yes please do, support the children!
Yuna: What children?
Garnet: I'm trying to sponser you! SHH!
Yuna: O.o;
REVIEW! *bows*
A freaky thing by: Yuna Clendenen
with help by: Sarmina Yin
Hi yep it's me Yuna Clendenen..probably sick of me, huh?
well I got a little story to tell..from my crazy mind..this is freaky so watch out..it's only rated PG 13 but its freaky. REVIEW! Oh and email me at halfjapprincess@mailasia.com. I wanna talk! Hee hee!
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Yuna: Me the author..
Garnet: My story!
Yuna: Heres the cast! *claps*
Mog; The manager of "Eww" (you will find out what it is ^^)
Vivi; Wants a job...
Amerant; Wants a job..
Zidane; A teenage boy
Garnet; A teenage girl
Lani; She thinks shes a goldfish O.o
Marcus; A robber
Ruby; A robber-ette
Kuja; A goon!
Mikoto; Another goon!
Freya; A bag lady!
Fratley; A bag freak!
Quina; A fat ass he/she! But I made it a "She"!
Cinna; Pig boy!
Beatrix; A female kidnapper
Steiner; Saddly, A male kidnapper
Eiko; A young girl kidnap-ee
Brahne; Ugly bitch!
Thorn; Freak
Zorn; Another freak
Aya Brea; F.B.I Voice (dont worry..i dont know HOW she got in here! O.O)
Garland; A weird person!
Mikoto; Monkey girl!
Garnet: Yay go cast!
Yuna:..Right. Let begin cause it's long
Garnet: OK!
Yuna: REVIEW! Thanx!
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The place: FAST FOOD RESTAURANT CALLED "EWW"
Why: Beacuse Im bored!
Ok here we are the characters in this are so random..but i just hope you like it! thanx!
Eww is a dirty cruddy restaurant. There are several sets of tables and chairs haphazardly scattered about. Graffiti is on the walls and furniture, and garbage is strewn everywhere.
ACT 1: Zidane And Garnet are SexFreaks!
Manager Mog sits at one of the tables with a stack of applications in front of her. She is suchs a short- tempered tyrant! (don't ask) Amerant, Vivi, and Lani stand about waiting.
Mog: (Calls out) Amerant Coral? ( There is no response) AMERANT CORAL? Is there an Amerant Coral, here? (No response, she looks at another application) Vivi Ortinier er whatever the hell yer freakin' last name is!
Vivi: ( Tentatively raises his hand) Wha..what did I do?
Mog: WHAT DID YOU DO?! You filled an application form to work her at the Eww famliy style restaurant!
Vivi: (freaking out) Oh..um, Sorry I won't do it again!
Mog: What do you mean, you won't do it again? Do you want a job or not?
Vivi: (Tentatively) Well, on the one hand, It would be nice to have the money, On the other hand physical labor is hard on my clothes...
Mog: Well, SOMETHING was hard on your clothes. Your'e filthy! Do you ever take a bath?
Vivi: (Tentatively) Well, on one hand I would be cleaner if I would. But on the other hand, who wants to be cleaner?
Mog: I like you answers Your an Eww kind of person! So, yer hired!
Vivi: I..I am? Will I h-have to actually, well, work?
Mog: You'll be the cook.
Vivi: Cook? I don't know how to cook!
Mog: That's just fine and dandy! We don't have anything worth cooking!
Vivi: *sniffles* I..I burn everything I touch..
Mog: Our food's better that way.
Vivi: (Enthusiastically) Oh, boy! I can't wait to tell Grandpa about my new job!
Mog: I wouldn't do that if I were you.
Vivi: Y-you wouldn't?
Mog: No. Grandparents don;t like to hear them grandkids working at the Eww. It makes them..well, kinda sick to their stomachs. (gagging gesture)
Vivi: (looks around the place) Gee, I wonder why? (He wonders around toward the front door)
Mog: Umm exscuse me, the kitchen's THAT way! (she points to the other direction)
Vivi: (freaked out) KITCHEN!? What's a kitchen?!!
Mog: Well, that's where you cook.
Vivi: Ohhh. (He walks off wide-eyed to the kitchen)
Zidane and Garnet enter the Eww and look around. They are very stupid...yup. ^.^
Garnet: Oh Zidane you are such a great kisser! RAR!
Zidane: Yeah I know.
Garnet: Hee hee!
Zidane: (Excitedly) Hey, Garnet this must be the place!
Garnet: (Smlies broadly) Yeah, Zidane. This must be the place!
Garnet jumps in Zidane's arms and kisses him very passionately disturbing the customers with her groans.
Garnet: (looking at all the stares) SORRY! (Customers continue eating)
Zidane: Garnet, stop doing that in public!
Garnet: OH GOD I'M SO SORRY!
Zidane: Hey, it's A'ite
Garnet: Rude, dude!
Zidane: Slick, chick!
Garnet/Zidane: Yeah! (They slap thier hands as a gesture of exclamation)
Garnet: (She suddenly un-smiles) It must be WHAT place?!
Zidane: Ya know, THE place.
Garnet: (pause) I don't know, WHAT place?
Zidane: (tries again in a different way) Hey-the PLACE.
Garnet: Ohhhhh, the PLACE.
Zidane: Yeah, Yeah. (He looks down her shirt) Garnet I thought you weren't gonna wear a bra!
Garnet: But it feels funny without one!
Zidane: Heh heh, can you put stuff in it?
Garnet: I can get almost anything in here!
Zidane: A million Gil? Can you get a million Gil in there!
Garnet: Sure can.
Zidane: You can't.
Garnet: I can. (pause) If a take my lipstick out first! (She snatches it out)
Zidane: Ohh Yeah! THAT'S BETTER! (looks inside Garnet's shirt and bra) Yeah. That should be plenty of space.
Garnet: (giggles) Oh, Zidane! Yer so bad!
Zidane: Yeah I know I am. But ya got lot's of space in theres!
Garnet: (laughs) Yup. The only place that has more space is that part of my head that's between my ears.
Zidane: (laughs) Yeah, I know.
Garnet stops laughing and stares at Zidane.
Garnet: Did you mean something by that?
Zidane: By what?
Garnet: By what you just said.
Zidane: Well, of course, I did. If I didn't mean anything by it, I wouldn't say it.
Garnet: Oh. Sorry. I wasn't thinking.
Zidane: Yeah, I know.
Garnet looks at him quizzically. She starts to say something, but cannot think of what to say. So, she stops.
Mog: Amerant Coral? Are you here now? Amerant Coral? (No response) Okay, how about Lani No last name given?
Garnet: Lani No last name given? (To Zidane) How would like to have a silly name like that?
Zidane: Yeah. "No last name given" IS a pretty jacked up name.
Garnet: I was talking about Lani! (Zidane stares at her)
Lani: Present, sir. (She stands. She is dressed in gold from head to toe, while she sucks her cheeks in and kneads her mouth like a fish. She works her arms like gills when she walks to the Manager's table.)
Garnet: It's that guy over there! (points to Amerant)
Lani: I'm Lani No last name given, sir.
Zidane: (To Garnet) You could be right...
Mog: That's "Ma'am". What grade are you in, Lani?
Lani: Grade, sir?
Zidane: Or it could be that hobo girl sleeping in garbage can out front.
Garnet: Oh, I think YOU'RE Right, Zidaney!
Mog: You go to school, don't you?
Lani: Well sir..
Mog: IT'S Ma'am!
Lani: I belong to a school of fish, if that's what you mean.
Mog: What school is that?
Lani: It's called "Mama said knock you out" We're actually native to eastern Asia, you know.
Mog: Well, in this school what grade are you in?
Lani: I'm not in a grade. I'm in a bowl.
Mog: A goldfish bowl? (she laughs)
Lani: Certainly.
Mog: (Scowls) Must be a damn big bowl.
Zidane: Hey babe, do you think we should fill out an application?
Garnet: What for, sweetie?
Zidane: For jobs.
Garnet: What would we put on the application?
Zidane: Our names, addresses, and phone numbers.
Garnet: No need!
Zidane: No need?
Garnet: Nope! I already know all that.
Zidane: Hey, that's true. So do I! (They laugh)
Mog: A goldfish, huh?
Lani: From a long line of goldfish, sir.
Mog: You're hired. Report to the kitchen!
Lani: Oh God bless you, sir, thank you! I'll be the first of my species to work outside da tank! (She exits to the kitchen)
Mog: (call toward the kitchen) Oh Vivi? VIVI! Come here. (Pause, and then loudly) TODAY!
Vivi: (trips and falls but gets back up fast) Um, today as in THIS today, or today as in TOMMOROW'S today?
Mog: I want you to change the %$^#ing menu.
Vivi: Change it? I haven't even found it!
Mog: Normally, we serve barbecued Mage fat.
Vivi: (shudders) Y-yes?
Mog: Today's special will be fish.
Vivi: Barbecued fish?
Mog: DAMNIT NO! Barbecued GOLD-fish. You'll find a big one in the kitchen.
Vivi: Well, on the one hand..
Mog: GOLDFISH! YOU LITTLE BLACK BASTARD! GO! GO! GO! (Vivi lazily saunters back into the ktchen tripping and getting back up. Mog the Manager goes back to the first application) Amerant Coral? Is Amerant Coral here yet? WHERE THE %$#@ IS AMERANT CORAL? No? All right, next we have..
Zidane: (As he and Garnet step forward) Zidane and Garnet.
Mog: Ok. Zidane N. Garnet (She thumbs through the applications) I don't see your damn application in here.
Zidane: We don't need one.
Garnet: That's right. We already know who we are!
Amerant: (A freaky-looking red haired guy, he pushes Zidane and Garnet aside and steps forward talking to Mog) Hey, you can't interview those bitches! I was here first!
Mog: Hmm? What's your name?
Amerant: Amerant Coral.
Mog: Amerant Coral? Didn't you hear me call your gay name earlier?
Amerant: YA CALLED MY NAME ALREADY!?
Mog: Yes. Amerant Coral, I called Amerant Coral.
Amerant: Oh, well, you see, I didn't know you meant THIS Amerant Coral. I heard you call Amerant Coral, but there's thousands...maybe even billions of Amerant Corals in this here, world. I thought you meant one of those those other Amerant Corals-ez.
Mog: Well, maybe I did. Let me take a ponder. (She reads from the appilcation) This Amerant Coral lives on 666 Evil Lucifer worshipper street.
Amerant: (shocked) 666 Evil Lucifer worshipper street?! Oh, good heavenz no! (He turns and heads to the door)
Mog: Amerant, where the hell you goin'?
Amerant: That's where I live! If there's another Amerant Coral living in there, I'm kicking his ass out of my house RIGHT NOW! (He runs away screaming like a child)
Mog: (to herself) The world is full of crazy people..I'm glad I'm not one of them. (she smacks herself and gets goggled but turns to normal after 10 seconds)
Mog the Manager turn to Zidane and Garnet who are making out devilishly.
Mog: Well..umm if you two love birdies will have a seat-in the middle of the street out there-I'll get to you in a day or two.
Garnet: Oh, no. You dont understand! We can't wait! We've gotta have Sex scheduled at 7:15 P.M.!
Zidane: Garnet you are such a dumb ass. So, so idiotic. Here we are applying for a very important job, and you tell this boss lady we can't wait because of Sex? Tsk, Tsk, Shame on you. BAD DOG! NO BOO FOO FOR YOU! (Garent whines like a doggie and Zidane truns to the manager) Actually, Today it's Oral. Love making was yesterday. (pause) See, every Thursday we get together and..
Mog: (about to barf) I'm am not interested in your love story!
Garnet: This is not his love story! If he told you his love story, oh, well, you would say "DAMN HE'S GOOD!" You would. Believe me.
Mog: "Damn he's good"? I would say "Damn he's good"? Why would I say "Damn he's good"?
Garnet: Well, most people do. Well, anyway, I did. Maybe you would say, "WHAT'S MY NAME!"
Zidane: (indicating the Manager) I know all about girls. That's more her style.
Garnet: Or maybe, "DON'T STOP PLEASE NEVER STOP!!!!" Although I don't know WHY you would say that.
Mog: (angrily) I wouldn't say that - or any of those ridiculous things! Look, I'm interviewing candidates for jobs here at the Eww. What are you two doing?
Zidane: Oh, we plan to take the jobs.
Garnet: Yeah. Assuming the salary is acceptable.
Zidane: And vacation time.
Garnet: And time off for GOOD behavior.
Zidane: That, too.
Mog: I haven't offered you the jobs!
Zidane: But, you see, we need the $hit.
Garnet: And we noticed you have a $hit truck out back!
Zidane: I meant money.
Garnet: A money truck?
Zidane: NO! That WAS $hit!!
Garnet: That's what I said, honey!!!
Zidane: (rolls eyes and talks to manager) But we need money.
Garnet: Lot's of Gil!
Zidane: A million Gil, in fact.
Garnet: (pulling down her shirt) See? I'm even wearing my bra to put it in!
Mog: You expect to make a million Gil working here at the Eww!?
Zidane: Yeah, Plus a few tips.
Garnet: And we need to have it by 8:00 P.M. today.
Mog: (nearly fainting) A MILLION GIL!?
Zidane: Plus tips.
Garnet: So you won't need these other applications! (She picks up the pile and rips the sheets into small pieces)
Mog: (flustered) Stop that! Damnit! Give me tose! Will you..if you..don't..Do you know that I could..GIVE ME THOSE &%*@ING THINGS!
Garnet: These? (She holds up the ripped applicationd) Sure. Here. (She drops the pieces into the Manager's hands so they mostly float to the floor.)
Mog: (frustrated) Why in the hell did you do that? Do you know how long it took me to get all these God damn applications?!
Zidane: (thinks) Well, let me see. Hmmm. Any ideas, Garnet?
Garnet: Yeah! I have an idea!
Zidane: Let's hear it.
Garnet: Ok, wel, they should eliminate check out counters at grocery stores so we can go home faster to have Sex!
Zidane: Yeah?
Garnet: YEAH!
Zidane: I like that idea (To Mog) What do you think?
Mog: About what?!
Zidane: So, now that we've proven we have ideas, when do we starts work?
Mog: What?! You two Sex proned teenagers will never work at the eww! (thinks) But, tell you what. Down the street, the Kentucky fried chocobo is looking for people to dress up like chocobos with advertisements on thier backs and parade in the middle of the street during rush hour. If you're lucky, maybe you'll get run over by a truck.
Zidane: OH HELLZ NO!
Garnet: Ha! We're not falling for that!
Zidane: What do you take us for?!
Garnet: We're not just a couple of Sexfreaks!
Mog: (pretending innocence) Why, what ever do you mean?
Zidane: They don't allow trucks on the street.
Garnet: That's right! Car traffic only!
Mog: (losing her patience) Then maybe you be run over by the crappy cars!
Zidane: I guess that would be alright.
Garnet: Yeah. They're smaller, so they won't hurt as much. (twitches)
Mog: Then go! Go! Go! Down the damn street. Take a right at the light! (She tries to shove them out the door) And then walk in front of the first car you see. Don't even wait for the Chocobo costume.
Zidane: (pushes the Manager back) Nah, We've already decided. We're gonna make our stand..
Garnet: And our million bucks...
Zidane: And make love..
Garnet: French kiss..
Zidane: Right here at the Eww!
Garnet: We're going to work for YOU! (dances around freakishly)
Mog: (to herself) Why did I get out of bed this morning? I knew it was gonna be one of those days. Mm horoscope said I'd catch two sexproned freaks trying to work at my restaurant. It also said I would catch a cold. At least that part's impossible. It's not even cold out.
Zidane: So what do we do?
Garnet: Yeah yeah yeah!! Lead the way!
Mog: Let me be as clear as humanly possible. The only way you two dumbasses could work at the Eww Famliy Stlye Restaurant is...is if I was locked in the freezer back there!
Zidane: Freezer?
Mog: Yes, freezer.
Garnet: Back there?
Mog: Yes! In the kitchen. (She points to it)
Zidane: (as he and Garnet look at eachother) Well, uh, would you mind showing us where the freezer is?
Mog: What? Show you where it is!? Why should I...well..well, Yes! I'll show you where it is. Right this way, kids. (She stalks off to the kitchen)
Garnet: I wonder why she wants to be locked in the freezer?
Zidane: I don't know. Maybe she's one of those..heh heh..kinky girls.
Garnet: (smacks him) HOW DARE YOU! I HATE YOU!
Zidane: (rubs his face) Ow! Damnit! I'm sory I didn't mean it! I love you so much!
Garnet: That's more like it! (applies more lipstick) Well, if that's what it takes for us to get these jobs, I guess we should oblige her.
Zidane: Guess so..
They exit into the kitchen. After several seconds, Marcus and Ruby enter. Each wearing Lone Ranger style masks. Marcus grunts as he drags a huge , filled bag behind him, while Ruby carries a gun and watches over their rear.
Marcus: Are they still on our tails, Ruby?
Ruby: Maybe. Those creeps were real unpleasent, Marcus. First, they do everythin' they can to prevent us from rippin' them off. Then they trial us like a couple of thisty bloodhounds!
Marcus: I know. You can't even mug a guy in peace anymore.
Ruby: They're goin' from shop to shop peepin' in da windows!
Marcus: Well, it'll take 'em a few mintues to discover we ducked in here.
Ruby: (looks around the room) YUCKY POO! What in tarnation is this? A frickin' sewer?!
Marcus: (sniffs) Sure damn smells like it.
Ruby: What a dump! Trash on da tables, garbage on da floor! GRAFFITI ON DA WALLS!!
Marcus: Yeah (smiles) Reminds me of home.
Ruby: (sigh) I reckon it does. Except for that a few years back when I cleaned up a' little.
Marcus: Enough good time memories. Look around. See if there's a good place to hide the loot.
Ruby: How much did ya say was in theres?
Marcus: Oh, a jillion gil. Give or take a billion.
Ruby: Seems odd some loons would have that much loot on them.
Marcus: Yeah well, they are big tippers.
Ruby: What do ya think they all' will do to us if they catch us?
Marcus: Well, they won't invite us to a birthday party, that's for sure.
Ruby: Yeah. With this kind of money we all's can have our own little get down bash!
Marcus: That's right. Why, we can spend a whole week lounging on the beach.
Ruby: Huh? Only a dang week?
Marcus: Well, I hear Hawaii's pretty exspensive.
Ruby: (looks out the window) Oh hell! I think they'all headin' this way! Quick stash da loot!
Marcus: (using all his strength he pulls the bag one direction then looks up) Nope. (he pulls it to another direction) Nope. (another) Nope. (and another) Nope!
Ruby: Marucs you'r really in a mood! You'all right back were ya started!
Marcus: Too late no, Ruby. Let's shake a leg!
Ruby: Hurry up! They'all almost heres! (They simultaneously shake thier left legs, then run out of the Eww leaving the bag on the floor)
Kuja and Mikoto enter the Eww wanting to beat the crap outta Ruby and Marcus.
Kuja: (swings a bat he got from the store) When we find'em, I get three strikes at 'em.
Mikoto: They musta come in here. This is the only open business in the area.
Kuja: Why is that? (putting on blue mascara)
Mikoto: When they cook in this slimy kitchen, nobody withen thirty blocks can stnad the smell. So they moved out. Cleaned out the whole block.
Kuja: (sniffs) I "sense" what you're talking about. (he holds his nose) In a place like this, those two thieves must be grossed out! (acts girly) ICKY POO POO!
Mikoto: When we catch. We will toture them making them eat here for a week!
Kuja: ICKY!! ICKY POO! Talk about ehh! (pause and stands girlish) Let me at 'em! (He swings his bat almost knocking down Mikoto)
Mikoto: Hey, Watch it! You nealy hit me, ya fag!
Kuja: Don't worry.
Mikoto: Don't worry?
Kuja: Naw. When I was in the majors I couldn't hit nothing. I could sling my bat over the left left field wall, but I couldn't hit first base with it.
Mikoto: Hey, Kuja! You weren't supposed to hit first base with the bat!
Kuja: I wasn't?
Mikoto: No. You were supposed to hit the ball, silly!
Kuja: That same ball they were throwing at little old me?
Mikoto: Yes.
Kuja: I couldn't do that..
Mikoto: Why?
Kuja: I was just too busy ducking it.
Mikoto: Such a girl! If ya can't hit anything how do you expect to do damage to those robbers when we catch'em?
Kuja: I thought I'd give them a good scolding.
Mikoto: (pause) A good scolding?
Kuja: Yup yup yup!
Mikoto: That's how you plan to punish them - By scolding them?!
Kuja: Yeah, plus a little butt rape or two! (giggles)
Mikoto: (thinks) Well, that might work.
Kuja: Yes it will!
Mikoto: Let me call the boss and give him a report. (she dials her phone) Hey, Garland, It's me, Mikoto. Yeah Kuja the fag is with me too. He's standing right here checking himself out. We havn't found the robbers yet, still lookin'. (pause) Money bag? (she takes a step and trips over the big money bag) Oww! No, we havn't seen it. have you seen it Kuja?
Kuja: (applying Red Revelon lipstick) Naw, I ain't seen it.
Mikoto: He has not seen it either. And, if I haven't seen it and he hasn't seen it, then niether of us has seen it. (pause) Ok, boss. Anything you say, boss. Sure, boss. (She hangs up)
Kuja: (puckering lips) What did he say?
Mikoto: He's not our boss no more.
Kuja: He is'nt?!
Mikoto: Nope he fired himself from us.
Kuja: You mean, we're out of a job?
Mikoto: I think so
Kuja: It's back to unemployment lines.
Mikoto: Yes and theres a lot of jobs for out-of-work-goons.
Kuja: I think this time we oughts to eat eat out of up-scale gabage cans. What do you think?
Mikoto: I think we find the money anyway.
Kuja: Garland's money? But we're not working for him anymore.
Mikoto: No. But we're getting the money for US. Don't you see We get to keep it.
Kuja: Yeah, well, I don't know, it's only only-what?-a jillion gil.
Mikoto: But thats alot of dough.
Kuja: It is? How many purple gumballs can we buy with it?
Mikoto: We could buy the whole gumball machine!
Kuja: Really!
Mikoto: And have enough left over for stage makeup. (the phone rings) Excues me. (she picks it up) Yes, this is Mikoto. Oh, ex-boss Garland, it's you. (pause) Ok, new boss Garland. Anything you say, boss. Right, boss! (she hangs up)
Kuja: What did he say?
Mikoto: He rehired himself to us. He said we will get a bonus if we find th money.
Kuja: How much bonus?
Mikoto: 10 Gil.
Kuja: (pause)..10 Gil?
Both: (look at each other, smile, and dance about) Hey! Now that's REAL money!
Kuja: This way, girlfriend!
Mikoto: I'm right behind you, But I don't want to touch the food in here. I don't want you coming down with another AIDS virus again! (they exit to the kitchen)
After a brief moment, Lani No last name given runs in her swimming-like fashion and turns back to face the kitchen. Vivi appears with a big kitchen knife)
Vivi: Sorry, Lani, n-nothing personal. The manager said barbecued goldfish.
Lani: You can't barbecue me!
Vivi: On the one hand it would be quite a challenge. On the other hand..I can try! (he chase Lani around the room, over one table, under another) Stop! You can't go away! You're the dinner special for today. Come back here. Please?
Lani: You can't do this to me!
Vivi: I have to. I've already changed the menu.
Lani: The only people who eat goldfish are cats! (she runs out the front door)
Vivi: Me-e-eow! (he runs out the door after Lani)
TO BE CONTINUED
Part 2 is coming soon! ah! evil, huh?
what will happen to Lani? What will Garnet and Zidane do with Mog? Will Ruby and Marcus ever get caught? Tune in next time!
Yuna: Hi like my story, REVIEW! Next part coming up soon! I promise
Garnet: Yes please do, support the children!
Yuna: What children?
Garnet: I'm trying to sponser you! SHH!
Yuna: O.o;
REVIEW! *bows*