How Kaiba "Stole" Valentine's
Summary: "Every person in Domino liked Valentine's a lot... except Kaiba, Teen CEO, who frankly did not." Parody of How the Grinch Stole Christmas by Dr. Seuss, Kaiba/Joey, yaoi, lemon.
A/N: I thought it would be cute to do. But my rhyming's not amazing, even though I freestyle rap a lot.
Disclaimer: Yugioh? Not mine. How The Grinch Stole Christmas? That's Dr. Seuss's.
Every person
In Domino
Liked Valentine's a lot
... Except Kaiba,
Teen CEO,
Who, frankly, did NOT.
Kaiba loathed Valentine's, the whole V-day season!
Only Ra would know why, but he must have a reason.
Could it be that his sales never rose to the occasion?
Was he annoyed by the gifts from every girl in the nation?
Or perhaps it was because he wasn't quite sane?
Everyone knows he's not right in the brain.
But whatever the reason,
The brain or the girls,
He stood up in his office, just hating the world
Staring down from his window with his trademarked Kaiba glare,
Knowing laughter and kisses would soon fill the air.
He eyed each employee, leaving to arrange dates
Mentally firing each one who left early instead of late
"It's the thirteenth of February!" he snarled with a sneer.
"Tomorrow is Valentine's! It's practically here!"
He had to take aspirin to keep his headache from thrumming,
Then boldly declared, "I must keep Valentine's from coming!"
For tomorrow, he knew, as was the tradition,
All his fangirls and fanboys would set out with a mission
To clog up his mail and to jam up his locker
With cards and with flowers and with sugar-heart-shockers
Were a hundred naked photos really what he needed?
Who knows what new ideas in their minds could be seeded!
He had no need for roses, carnations, or daisies,
Let's face it, this shit could drive any man crazy!
And then, the tradition he liked least of all:
Every girl at the high school, the tall and the small
Would line up at his desk and nervously chatter
Then confess their love to him as if they actually mattered!
They'd talk! And they'd ramble!
A different fucking preamble
To each and every confession!
Each a waste of time, much to Kaiba's depression:
"Every minute I waste is a point off the DOW!
I must stop Valentine's Day... but HOW?"
Then he got an idea,
An ingenious idea!
An ingenious, evil-laugh-worthy, brilliant idea!
"I know just what to do!" Kaiba cackled with glee
As he sat at his desk, laughing evilly.
He opened his laptop, starting up without a hitch-
"I'll just buy Valentine's Day! After all, I'm rich!"
"All I need is a list," Kaiba murmured out loud,
"Of every place that sells Valentine's things in this town!
Every shop that sells flowers or chocolates or cards,
Every jewel, every trinket, I'll go the whole nine yards!
I'll buy out every restaurant to every café,
And I swear that there won't be a Valentine's Day!"
So he checked his cards' credit,
And then grabbed some old sacks,
Then he called for his limo
And his chauffeur, Max.
Kaiba got in the car
And he headed to town
As he swore that, "This year,
Valentine's will go DOWN!"
The store windows were open as people filled the street,
Each person daydreaming about lovers they'd meet
Kaiba stopped at a shop though they stepped on his feet.
As he shoved through the crowd, ol' Kaibaboy hissed,
"Stop number one," credit-card in his fist.
Then he pushed past the people, a rather tight squeeze
But Kaiba was skinny, he could do it with ease
He scrambled for flowers, for cards, and for wine
He found every item within record time!
He stormed up to check-out, items all in a row,
Shouting, "Pack it up now! I'll take it to go!"
He bought out every item on the whole boulevard,
Chocolate in tons and ribbons by yards!
He slipped through the shops with a smile most unpleasant
And at every stop, he bought every present!
He stuffed them in bags, and then he drew near
To the very last shop: a petite chocolatier
He walked into the store with quite low expectations,
But was then overwhelmed by overwhelming sensations!
There was cocoa! And spice! And fragrant fruit fillings!
"Yo, are ya gonna buy somethin' or are ya just chillin'?"
Kaiba jumped up in shock (and perhaps in fright),
"Wheeler, why the fuck are you in here tonight?"
Joey snapped back, "I've worked here all year,
It ain't my fault if ya just didn't hear.
So are ya buyin' somethin'? Cause there's this thing;
I can call the police if yer here loitering."
Seto eyed the cute boy with the chocolate on his cheeks,
And suddenly realized it was quite hard to speak.
"I'll take everything here," Kaiba murmured, mouth dry,
"And I'll even pay extra if you don't ask me why."
Surprised by the purchase, Joey wrapped things up quick,
"Geez, who's this all for? I pity the chick."
But Kaiba was frozen as Joey spoke on
Because he'd realized- "Is that a pink apron?"
"So what if it is?" His cheeks started to flush.
"You still haven't told me, just who is your crush?"
"This mutt is too sexy," Kaiba thought in his head
And all Seto wanted was to take him to bed
So as Joey came out to give Kaiba his purchase,
By pure chance his hand wound up on Joey's ass
"What the fuck!" Joey squeaked as Kaiba groped at his rear,
"Don't do stuff like that- or at least, not here!
Here's some advice, so you won't be so dumb,
Just ask me out instead'a grabbin' my bum!"
"Ask?" Kaiba wondered, more confused than not.
"I like ya," Joey shrugged, "An' I think yer kinda hot."
So Kaiba snatched Joey with a smirk on his face,
"So, pup, how about it, want to come to my place?"
They got into the limo, thoroughly snogging,
Their hips grinding up like a saw during logging,
And Kaiba couldn't help being glad he could use
The lube from which he had twelve flavors to choose
When they got to the mansion, hot with their passion,
The two boys had sex in each and every fashion:
Tied up with ribbons! Linking wine off nipples!
Drawing hot-candle-wax and melted-fudge ripples!
The two men fornicated without sight of an end-
Thank Ra Mokuba was out at a friend's!
As Kaiba was seeing round thirteen through,
His alarm rang, declaring it was 3:02;
So Kaiba took a hand off of Joey's cock
Then he reached over and smashed the clock*.
Into his lover's body Kaiba vigorously pounded,
And they both came as their cries of pleasure resounded.
Joey panted, "That's the best fuck I've had since I-don't-know-when!
Say, Kaiba, let's get together and do this again!"
"Hell fucking yes," Kaiba agreed, elated,
"I don't think I'd mind if we even dated."
"Are you serious!" Joey sat up, using his arm as a lever;
Kaiba nodded. "Best fuckin' Valentine's Day ever."
So, new boyfriend in arm and pillow under head,
Kaiba mused to himself, and quietly said,
"Maybe Valentine's isn't such a bad day,
Even though I still think that it's kind of cliché."
He stared down at Joey,
Dozing off in his arms,
And guessed that even V-Day
Had its own charms.
He awoke, hours later, to a loud knocking sound
So he opened his door to see who was around
HE HADN'T STOPPED V-DAY FROM COMING!
IT CAME!
Each and every fan's present just came all the same!
And Kaiba, trapped three feet deep in the stuff,
Finally screamed out, "There just isn't enough
Money in the world to stop Valentine's Day!
The mail just keeps coming! This isn't okay!"
And Kaiba stood there in spite of his ass being sore,
'Til Joey said something he hadn't thought of before,
"Geez, Kaiba, it's called 'restocking the store',
So come back to bed, and let's cuddle some more."
And what happened then?
Well, in Domino they say
That Kaiba's heart quadrupled
In size that day
His heart wasn't the only thing that grew, so pants tight,
He readied himself for another round that night:
He readied some toys and a lube made to cool
And then he and Joey
Decided to skip school. ;)
*Clocks destroyed: 1/?
Anyone who gets that reference wins epically.