My Soul's Shadow Half.
Chapter One. Past promise, future problems.
On the morning of my wedding to Jasper, I was alone for the first time in twenty four hours.
Vlad, Steve and Charlotte had finally left me to get themselves dressed. I was expecting them back any time the wedding was due to start in an hour.
A strikingly beautiful woman, who I had never met before knocked at the door of my hotel room.
She was quite adamant about talking to me; even though I was just about to put on my wedding dress and have the finishing touches done to my hair and make-up.
She strode into the room confidently, eyeing me up and down, a sneer on her face.
This woman, so very beautiful and confident, was scarily full of facts and personal details about Jasper.
She told me what he had studied at school.
All about his parents and baby sister, who tragically perished in a house fire when Jasper was a kid.
How he was adopted by Esme.
She told me that Jasper had a history fetish.
That Jasper always sleeps on his tummy, and sometimes has nightmares of his traumatic childhood fire.
She said Jasper was leading a double life, he wasn't entirely truthful.
She said he hadn't revealed everything he did for a living.
I stood stock still in shock. My mouth open, gasping like a fish out of water. Confused. Alone.
What? Who was this woman?
I asked her if she was absolutely sure.
Was she completely sure that this was the same Jasper Whitlock?
Was she sure that she's wasn't talking about some other Jasper?
She says he is the exactly the same Jasper.
She pulls out the same escort agency business card, which I saw on his desk a few weeks ago.
The one he told me not to worry about.
The one which my Dad said he would look into, but never did.
I asked her to explain.
I said she couldn't just leave me with a card to a glorified brothel and then not explain what she was talking about.
The woman shrugged.
She whirled out of the room.
Leaving me standing there, confused and completely shocked.
I didn't know what to do...what do I do?
I was expecting Steve and Vlad anytime soon, they were coming to help me get the beautiful wedding dress on, and talk me into being calm and focused.
Vlad and Steve would know what to do.
Now I was just stunned and shocked.
Who was that woman?
Why did she come here on the morning of my wedding?
My world felt like it was collapsing.
And that Jasper...somehow... isn't really my Jasper!
I felt like all of my calm certainty, in the sweet wonderful man who I know to be Jasper has warped and changed.
What part does she play in Jasper's life?
How does she know all about him sleeping on his stomach?
I felt like being sick...
I felt so unsure, dizzy.
Do I even know the real Jasper?
What does he have to do with some brothel or escort service?
Is he sleeping around on me? Why would he?
Do I want to marry someone who is possibly leading a secret life?
Start married life, with a man who hides and lies about who he is?
Be with someone who isn't truthful?
Oh God I'm going to vomit!
I rushed to the bathroom, and reached the loo just in time.
I heaved up my breakfast, the champaign and all those strawberries.
I felt so crappy, and faint.
I splashed water on my face trying to make myself wake up.
This must be a dream a really bad dream.
I wonder when Steve and Vlad will come.
I hope it's soon!
I could use their minds to bounce all of these crazy ideas off, at least get some sensible advice.
Steve's done an amazing job with the dress, it's perfect.
The door opened suddenly, I turned thinking that I'd see my favourite boys bouncing into the room, but no.
Edward has made an appearance. He looked flustered, his hair stood up all over his head, his clothes all messy.
"What do you want Edward, ever heard of knocking?"
"Bella, I just had to see you. I had to stop you, before you made a big mistake and end up marrying the wrong man. He's not who you think he is Bella. He isn't as clean-cut as you think. Don't marry him..."
The door to my room swung open and Peter ran in.
He grabbed Edward by the scruff of the neck, turned him around, and pushed him out the door.
There was quite a bit of scuffling and banging, and some loud yelling. I had trouble understanding the words.
A car door slammed and Peter came back to my room.
I stood frozen and angry. I stared at Pete.
"You better spill Whitlock. 'Cause I swear to God, if you don't I'm going to call off the wedding."
Pete looks confused, and wanted to know what I am talking about.
I sigh, where to begin...
I tell him that recently Jasper had been acting closed off, removed, strange and not answering my questions.
I was no longer sure I could trust him.
Peter stood in the middle of my hotel room, his brow furrowed in deep thought.
I tell Peter that Jasper needed to give me the full story, if he wanted me in his life.
The last thing I wanted is to live a lie, even if I love Jasper.
I said that Jasper needs to find his backbone again, and stop hiding the truth from me.
Peter snarls down his phone to Jasper.
Peter tells his little brother that he better get his ass into my hotel room pronto and explain his behaviour.
Peter turned to me, "take a deep breath and sit down Bella. Jasper is coming, and he promised to tell you the whole gory story."
"Ha, is it that bad?" my shoulders slump.
Pete shrugged.
"Do you it's worth saving, my relationship with Jasper?"
"You two are amazing. This is just a 'speed bump, on the highway of love' little swan."
Peter huffed.
"Jasper just needs to grow a pair of balls, and come clean. All I can say is, it's really not as bad as it seems. But it's up to him to give you all the details; he seems to be very frightened to tell you. Just please promise me that you'll hear him out, before kicking him in the goolies, ok?"
I nod and sigh. "Can I at least ask about Edward and who that other strange woman was who just came in here before?"
"What woman?"
"Some really, really attractive woman, confident, smart, seemed to know all about Jasper and his sleeping habits. Someone who told me he's leading a double life and gave me this." I showed him the business card.
Pete's eyebrows practically go through his hairline in surprise.
"Seems like young Jasper needs to come clean, I didn't know anything about any escort place."
Pete shakes his head.
Jasper comes in. (does anyone ever think about knocking these days?)
Pete told Jasper to explain everything, saying he was going to kick his butt if he didn't. Jasper looks really sheepish, and I huff and cross my arms and look at him.
Jasper looks like he is going to cry.
"You better tell me what's going on Jasper, cause I'm about to walk out of here in ten minutes. I will tell every single one of our wedding guests that it's over and there won't be a wedding today. Now what the hell is going on? Is there someone else?"
"No, no nothing like that."
"What..., you don't love me? You've changed your mind and I'm not the one?"
"No, I love you with all my heart, my life... It's just that I promised someone something...
Something that I can't go back on, and now I wish I'd never made this promise... I can't say much else... Just believe me, it's you who owns my heart, my soul, it's you. Only you Bella!"
"So you made a promise, to a random nameless person, at some time in the past. A promise which you still need to honour, even though it's really making me unsure of everything I thought I knew about you."
"Who are you really Jasper? Who was that attractive woman who came in and told me you were leading a second, secret life? How come she knows stuff about you, that I don't know? What is your connection to a brothel?"
I looked into his eyes he was crying. Tears were streaming down his face.
"Is this a secret worth keeping from me...? I'm so uncomfortable with it, that I'm beginning to think I can't trust you. What is it that you promised? Is it so bad that you can't share it with me...?"
Silence.
Jasper shook his head. "Bella...I can't say. It's something I'm not allowed to tell anyone except those directly involved."
"Is it to do with something illegal? Drugs? Terrorist organizations? Money laundering? The mafia?"
"Or is it an addiction? Drugs? Alcohol? Gambling?... Maybe...Prescription drugs?... Maybe...
Sex addiction?... Possible...yeah... I can imagine that... " I shook my head. I was rambling.
"Not being able to keep my hands off you myself, for more than a day... I really get that kind of hunger... I do..." I shook my head, not trying to go to that place of intense erotic love I shared with Jasper.
"Or maybe it's a friend that's got into trouble... Someone you used to know in the biblical sense... Someone who helped you once... so you're returning some sort of favour...Maybe... Yes, that sounds like to sort of thing you'd do, isn't it Jasper? Help out an old friend who's in big trouble? Someone you owe a favour to, but feel embarrassed about telling me about. Is that it?..."
"I can't tell you baby... Please I just can't ... I promised to be quiet about what I know and who's involved. Just believe me that it's nothing you need to worry about. You need to trust me. I'm begging you...don't let this uncertainty push you away from me. Please..." Jasper cried.
I wanted to comfort him, but I stopped myself.
"So you aren't willing to break a promise, I guess I can't fault you for that." I nodded.
"Is there anything else you want to tell me? Before I get up and go. I need a bit of time to consider your silence, your withdrawal, your hiding from me. Your lack of complete honesty."
"You know that I'd probably understood whatever it was, if you had've explained the situation before now."
Jasper had his head in his hands, weeping openly. My heart was breaking along with Jasper's.
"How do you think I feel Jasper? A strange woman comes to me and then Edward. Both of them have said similar things about you. Pete and Charlie both told me not to worry, and you ... telling me it's nothing." I nodded and shivered feeling nauseous again.
Jasper looked at me and slowly shook his head.
"Please baby, don't give up on me, I love you so, so much. You are my everything. Don't let other people with bad agendas push you away from me!"
"I know it sounds like I'm keeping secrets, and in a way I am, but believe me, it isn't something that has anything to do with our relationship, our love, our future. I'm sorry that I didn't say anything before this, but I couldn't break my promise." Jasper was literally begging me.
I had tears coming down my face, like Jasper.
"Let me understand, you expect me to marry you today, pledge myself in all ways to you, be with you forever, and you expect to do the same for me... even though our love is real and deep, there is still something dark and secret that has crept in between us and is pulling you and I apart."
"It is something I haven't chosen. You chose it."
"It is something I can't control, but seems to control you."
"It seems to be taking precedence over me and our relationship; it's been becoming number one for you."
"I have shown you all of me, all of my hopes, my fears, my secrets... But you have this... Whatever it is... This mystery secret thing that you can't share."
"This piece of your past you are willing to drag into our future it changes the way we can be together. I'm not sure I want to be number two on your list. I make you my number one priority, and I expect the same from you."
Jasper stood shaking, crying. His head down.
"So there's nothing else, except a promise from the past, that's keeping you from being completely frank and open with me?"
"Hmmm, well just remember I love you, nothing will ever change that. You are it for me. But I'm not gonna marry someone who'll be closed off to me, someone who won't share. I refuse to start our married life with someone who is an enigma, a shadow. I think you need to grow a backbone again." I stood up and looked at Jasper.
"I'm gonna leave now, I'll give you some time to think about what you really want. You can call me if you want to spill. Love you." I hugged him and looked over at Pete, "you've got my number, see you later Pete."
I pulled my bag up my shoulder, grabbed my runners and left. On the way to my car, I pulled out the phone and got Steve. I was crying and had trouble speaking.
"Bella, Bella, where are you? Are you alright? "
"Steve I need to go away... things aren't so good at the minute. Just believe me I'll be fine... tell Vlad that I'll be fine and I'm going to be going to somewhere to think about what I want to do next. I'm sorry about your dress it's wonderful."
"Bella, where are you going? I won't tell anyone, just tell me. I could come and be with you if you want to share all the stuff you're going through. You know I'm there for you, don't you?"
"Yeah, I'll promise, I'll let you know where I am, when I get there, ok?"
I drove down the highway, stopping only to refuel, get a drink and grab some snack bars. The petrol station didn't have any fruit, which is what I was craving. I got back behind the wheel and kept driving. After driving through the bigger towns, it was starting to get dark. I guess the wedding guests would have left by now. The phone had been pinging with all the messages that had been left on my message bank. I'd get to them when I found a quiet place and a room.
I noticed a sign saying- 'Turn off to the City of Truth and Consequences, New Mexico.
Population 6475.'
Truth and consequences, perfect! That's just the place for me at the moment. It could even sum up how I was feeling about Jasper.
I pulled up at a small hotel, with spa, hot springs and massage services. Self catering rooms with kitchen facilities. Good, I could hole-up there for a while, and spend time thinking, maybe meditating, and writing. Dreaming. Finding my feet, breathing.
I took a deep breath and headed into the office. A man with extraordinary green eyes and an easy smile looked up and nodded.
"Can I help you there ma'am?"
I stood there blinking; I just nodded and walked closer to the desk.
"Do you need a room ma'am?"
I nodded again.
"We have a range of rooms available, its low season. Is it just for you ma'am?"
I nodded.
Man! I have lost the power of speech!
"We have rooms closer to the spa facilities and big hot spring swimming pool, or further away which are more private and quiet. But still a nice little walk to the spa if you want to use it."
"A quiet room with privacy is good thanks. I'm not sure how long I'll stay, maybe a couple of days, possibly a week. It depends. Is that ok?"
"Sure, sure, like to sign in? Have you got your credit card?"
I handed him the card, thank goodness I grabbed my handbag on the way out of the room. I signed the register. I would miss my name if I changed to Whitlock. That was another thing I hadn't talked to Jasper about, my name... The man, whose name badge said Fred, handed me the room key, I could have breakfast either in my room or in the courtyard dining area, from 7o'clock in the morning, I nodded.
"Any bags ma'am?"
"No... I don't suppose there's anywhere to buy clothes in this town?"
"There's a Wal-Mart down the road in Las Palomas, but if you're lookin' for a local place in town there's the thrift shop, with a big range of clothes, and also the local dress shop my sister runs in the main street. You can't miss it, its painted purple. She just loves all those different styles and strange exotic stuff. You should look in there if you want to get something, you know different."
"Thanks, I appreciate that. Any good places to eat in town?"
"Riley's ranch ribs is great, and there's a good little Mexican joint. If you go down the street to the left there," he pointed.
I went to my room which was indeed quiet and private. It was a cabin style room, in a garden with its own personal hot mineral spring tub on its own wide wooden deck.
Moving out onto the deck I looked out at the sunset, and my breath was taken away, it was a spectacular view, no other buildings in sight, just hills and trees. The colours painting the sky, richly staining everything around. The shadows were a dark purple, exquisite. I sighed.
Turning back inside, I used the loo and splashed my face at the sink. I needed to eat before anything else. And get some clean undies, a toothbrush and a comb or hairbrush, at least. My hair still looked good from this morning, but my make up needed to be scrubbed off. It looked ridiculous. I'm glad I got away in jeans and a tee shirt. I couldn't imagine walking in here, alone in my wedding dress, poor Fred would probably think I was a run-away bride... (Which would be correct!)
Walking down the street, I came across the purple dress shop which was luckily still open. I went inside and was pleasantly surprised, this shop was so cute. It was perfect, for exactly what I needed.
This shop had some fantastic stretch, lacy knickers locally made by someone with a flair for drama and colour. Vicky told me all about her neighbour who designed and sewed these undies as a second income. They were quirky and sweet. Vicky promised me that they were the most comfortable things she had ever worn, and didn't wear any other brands anymore. Each pair had a different colour, pattern and trim.
I bought five different coloured pairs of undies; they made me smile for the first time today. I bought some hand screen-printed tee shirts, a long skirt, a pair of soft three quarter yoga pants and a long turquoise fringed wrap. I swiped my card, thanked Vicky and walked till I got to Miguel's Mexican cafe. I ordered a few different bean dishes, and asked if he could put them in take out containers.
I walked slowly back, waved to Fred at the desk and went down the path through the garden, to my room.
I took some deep breaths and attempted relax. The dishes were so satisfying after such a stressful day. I lay back in the hammock and looked at the sky. The first stars were beginning to show, the sky darkening. I looked over and saw the deep, wooden hot spring tub built right into the deck. I knew I would relax further in there. I looked around; there was no one for miles.
I went over to check out the hot tub. It seemed that it had a continual inflow-outflow of hot spring water. No fancy jets, plugs or taps. The wood was a beautiful smooth pale pine, and wooden seating placed inside the tub at the perfect. You could sit neck-deep in very warm spring water. Perfect!
I pulled off my clothes and got in. Ahhh, this set-up was better than the hot tub I'd put in the new Japanese bathhouse at home.
Home.
It was no longer just my place though, it was Jasper's too. We had been living together pretty much continually since my eighteenth birthday, four years ago.
What the hell happened this morning?
Why couldn't he trust me enough, to at least confide in me about what was happening?
Was it such a bad secret he was hiding?
Was he worried I would judge him? Or judge the person he made a promise to?
Who knows how I should deal with any of it? I was really confused, because Jasper didn't share his worries with me, I felt left in the dark.
I was also confused as to exactly why that woman whose name I didn't know, and Ed had decided to tell me this stuff just before I was about to put the damn dress on and walk down the damn aisle!
I sighed and looked up at the stars. They were all out now, the sky an inky black, and the water was so warm and perfect. I wish I could just let it all go and be free of all the dramas.
I love Jasper. I know this for sure.
I love my home in Taos. It's as perfect a place as I'm ever likely to find, anywhere in the world.
I have a lovely lot of friends, family and neighbours.
I have plenty of money; the books I write are selling well.
My catering business is being managed by a great team, who love what they do; freeing me up to concentrate on the stuff I love, creating new dishes.
I closed my eyes and relaxed my muscles. I might book myself in for a massage tomorrow, which might be nice. Up until today, I hadn't given myself time to do relaxing things, I was rushing around trying hard to get everything organised before the wedding.
I should listen to all my phone messages.
At least I texted Charlie, Steve and Pete that I was fine, and going to be away for up to a week.
By now Jasper and I would have been starting our honeymoon landing in Bora-Bora.
A little holiday away from everyone might do me good. I've never really had a proper break. I'm always with Jasper or the family. A little time completely on my own for once couldn't hurt.
Could it?