Surely the world needs a completely ridiculous AU.
Rose-Spock
Jack-Kirk
Cal- Uhura
And the rest will be pretty self-explanatory.
Spock peered up from under the brim of large hat topped with an even larger bow. An Olympic-class ocean liner loomed above him: Titanic. "Thanks for holding my hat, bitch" Nyota Uhura, his fiancé, said as she whipped the hat from his head. She winked at him as she smacked his ass. "You're so lucky, Spock. It's sweet the way she dotes on you," Spock's father added. Sarek greatly enjoyed the upper-class status his son's engagement to the wealthy steel tycoon, Uhura, had afforded him. "Father," Spock clipped, "We're vegetarians. Is it really appropriate for you to be wearing a mink coat?" Sarek snuggled into the brand new coat, "Oh, son, you just don't know how to live! Besides, it's not like I'm eating the coat." Uhura linked her arm with Spock's, adding, "Your father's right, baby. Why don't you enjoy all the shit I buy you in an effort to compensate for my empty love?" With this, Uhura handed Spock a solid gold brick. "What the hell am I supposed to do with this?" Spock asked. Uhura only answered with a roll of her eyes that seemed to say, "Oh, Spock." It was as though he was a child asking silly questions. Uhura led them into the crowd and towards the ship.
The White Star Line dock in Southampton was electric with excitement for the voyage to come. Spock stood out among the teeming masses with his stoic glare, and soured expression. Also, he had pointy ears and weird eyebrows and that was kinda crazy looking in England just after the turn of the century. "Why does that man have pointy ears?" questioned a passing child. "I think he's…Armenian or something," the parent answered.
Spock would always remember April 10th, 1912, as the day he was imprisoned. This was no luxury liner he was getting on—it was a slave ship. This was a voyage of the damned, and he was the damned! Yes, the ship had hit the fan. Spock had a boatload of problems on his hands. This maritime voyage would not be a merry time. He would—
"SPOCK!" his father yelled. "Stop with the stupid boat puns! We get it! You don't want to go because I'm forcing you into a loveless marriage and you're using our trip on the Titanic as a poorly veiled metaphor. Can we just please get on the ship before too many lower class people stink it up with their poverty spores?"
Spock did not realize he'd been speaking his thoughts aloud.
Jim Kirk stared at the cards before him. The smoke filled, beer soaked pub was making his head spin. A bead of sweat dripped down his temple as another card was turned over. Dammit! He thought as he saw the black 10 of spades. It definitely wasn't the card he needed. He cast a sideways glance at his best friend Leonard McCoy.
"Bones," he whispered, "I don't know if I can win this." McCoy was already out of the game. It was up to Jim to win everything back that they had lost, as well as gain tickets to America aboard the Titanic. Jim held his breath as another card was revealed.
The Ace of Diamonds finally revealed itself. Finally, the card he needed.
YES!!! WOOOOO!" Jim jumped out of his chair. "You can all suck it!! Those tickets are mine! I'm king of the world!!"
Every head in the pub turned to stare at the crazy blond American man. Kirk methodically began to place cards on top of cards. The hearts, and spades were almost done. With the Ace of Diamonds, he was able to complete all four suites.
The clock struck the hour. Jim looked up at it, a frazzled and quickly placed the last King down.
"Bones! Gather our winnings! We gotta go if we're gonna make it to the boat!"
Jim took a last look around the empty table. God, he was awesome at solitaire.
Jim and Bones linked hands – but not too tightly. God, they weren't gay or anything – as they skipped towards the magnificent ship. Sure, they should've hurried, but Jim had a pretty good idea that the plot wouldn't be able to move forward without his presence.
At the very last moment they leaped onto the boat. McCoy made it on skillfully, but Jim missed the doorframe by just a little and ended up hanging onto the edge, his legs dangling over the water.
"Never let go, Jim!" McCoy shouted as he reached a hand down to help his friend.
"Shut up, Bones," Jim said as he pulled himself to safety. "Who the hell would say something like that?"
Bones nodded and started down the hallway to their quarters. "I can't wait to get to America. I'm gonna be a doctor."
Jim snorted as he kicked in the door to their room. "As if. You'll never amount to anything with an accent like that."
Elsewhere on the ship, Uhura and Spock were unpacking their belongings. Spock had nicely laid out all of his shirts and pants and ties in nice piles on the bed. Uhura, though, jumped on the bed and asked, "So when do we get to fuck?"
Spock wrinkled his nose. "After I hang the million paintings that I brought on board the ship I will consider it." He was lying. He never wanted to fuck her.
Uhura yawned and stretched out on the bed. "Why did you buy those ugly things anyway? They look like dog barf, or the barf of some orphan who works in my steel factory."
"How dare you call my paintings ugly!" Spock proclaimed, holding back tears. "They are Picassos! 188,429 Picassos can't be ugly!"
Later, as Spock and Sarek made their way up to dinner, they passed a bright green woman named Gaila walking around in a mink bikini. While Sarek admired the mink, he did not appreciate her showiness.
"Father," Spock whispered, "did you notice that…"
"Yes, I did," he sneered. "How appalling. Women should not dress like that."
"No, Father, I meant how she was green…"
Captain Pike stood proudly on his new ship. It was love at first sight. "Oh my sweet lady Titanic," he mused to himself, "You're pretty hot. I'm gonna sail your brains out until your begging for more. The love I feel for you is so deep I could see myself dying with you in a horrible, yet totally preventable tragedy."
A cough from his first officer disrupted his reverie. "Sir?" Hikaru Sulu questioned.
"Ah, yes. There you are Mr. Sulu. Let's take this bitch to full speed!"
Sulu smiled, "Sounds like a plan."
Both of them stood completely still, waiting for the other to move.
"Oh..uh, were you gonna…?"
"Oh, I thought maybe you'd…"
They both laughed nervously.
"Captain, do you know how to sail a ship?"
"Uhh…not really, no. But I do know how to look good in a uniform."
"Huh, well I don't really know how either."
They both shared another awkward silence.
"Well, c'mon. We'll just keep this steering wheel thing going and call it good," The captain said.
"Sounds good. Let's celebrate with a cigar!" Sulu said, pulling out two cigars.
"Awesome! I'll even use this manual titled 'WHAT TO DO IF YOU SEE A BIG FUCKING ICEBERG" to light the cigars in a dramatic way."
Pike lit the manual and then lit the cigars. Nothing could go wrong!
First chapter. Did you laugh? Cry? Burst into flame?