So Very Obsessed Spencer and Emily Chapter One May 2010
"So when did you two break up?" she asked, knowing she was in dangerous territory but it made her feel alive to be out here on the edge.
Still she was seriously risking his wrath today because she had broken one of the BAU rules.
The only way she had known he was seeing someone was from profiling him. And the only way she knew it was over was from the same. (He always texted his girlfriend when a case was over. He started to ignore her calls when things got rocky. He never was up for weekend plans for six months but all of the sudden he has no plans again. He let his hair and facial hair grow because she liked it. Now she's out of his life and his hair is chopped short, his face shaved clean once again. Things like that. A thousand things she sees everyday that tell her what he won't tell her.)
Today Reid had ignored another call during lunch. He had scowled at his phone, obviously annoyed and wanting this woman to realize it was over. That intrigued Emily. She would love to know the story behind who he had met, fell for, dated, and why they didn't work. She'd love to know what kind of woman got so close to Reid.
She'd like to just know Reid better by knowing his secrets.
So when they are walking back to the two SUVs that the team uses she hangs back so they are the only ones on the sidewalk outside the restaurant, as he is fidgeting with cleaning his glasses, and asks a question she doubts he will answer.
But if he does answer it could be a very good thing. So she tries. Because she is driven to try and the words escape her mouth this time before she can push them back.
Reid shoots her a squinty eyed look that tells her he can't believe she just said that. And also feigns cluelessness. "What's that?"
"Its over with your latest girlfriend. I was wondering what happened. If you wanted to talk-"
"This is not a conversation I will have with you, Prentiss," he told he in a very controlled voice and then stiffly walked down the sidewalk, through the parking lot, and into one of the SUVs.
Emily Prentiss was slowly being driven crazy by the things Spencer Reid didn't say out loud. This was far from a new phenomenon for her. Ever since they had met it seemed that there was always something left unsaid between them.
It was not for lack of trying on her part. She often would try to engage him in conversation but he was very far from an open book. She had never met a man more private than him, actually. She quickly learned to not delve into certain off limits area but the only time she really felt satisfied with their interactions is when it all got to be too much for her- her concern, her need to help him in some small way, her worry over him- and she just pushed and pushed him till he opened up, even in the smallest of ways.
But over the years she didn't push nearly enough and their truly meaningful conversations got further and further between. That was because when they first met she thought there was a chance this elusive man could break down his walls and connect with her on a deeper level- maybe just friendship, sadly she craved so much from him but would be willing to settle for so little.
She just wanted more.
Of course time did what time always did. Made feelings ebb and flow. Sometimes she would try and push down that usual ache in her for a moment each work day where it felt like Reid really saw her as a person, okay fine a woman, who was his friend and when he revealed a flash of the man he kept carefully hidden from the world.
Sometimes she would be the exact opposite. She'd try hard to take them to someplace new and different in their friendship. Sometimes she was just tired of thinking about Reid but then she'd see him again- the whole team practically breathed each other's breaths, that is how closely they lived during cases- and he'd be creeping through her mind like a virus all over again.
She had her own Dr. Reid obsession going. Even if she didn't want to. And she didn't want to anymore. She was truly sick of it. She wanted to stop reaching for something she would never get. Stop having her hand slapped back. Stop living on tiny moments that made her whole month- should he open up about anything personal to her.
She didn't blame him in the least for not wanting a closer friendship with her. And how could she blame him for not being as attracted to her as she was him? That wasn't a choice. It was just simple biology.
She blamed herself. There had to be a way to get her mind under control. Some way to make the other men she met be as intriguing as Reid. There was a long string of men she pushed away: John Cooley, Mick Rawson, guys at the bar, guys in Atlantic City, guys Morgan knew in ATF, guys Will knew from his all male book club, guys Rossi went hunting with. She went on dates but always found these men not quite intoxicating enough. She would rant about them. Kinda even hate them for their lacking qualities when they were alright guys really if she wasn't comparing them to someone else. There had to be a way to stop torturing herself like this day after day, month after month, year after year.
She needed to just get over Reid already. Over wanting more from their friendship. It was time to accept this was as good as its gonna get.
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Reid was stuck deep in his thoughts as the SUV rolled down the expressway and back to the police station in Indianapolis. He didn't like that Emily had tried to invade his privacy.
It was embarrassing why things didn't work out with Samantha. He had tried with her. More than he ever tried with women in the past. For so many years he let his fears keep him from calling a woman, or reaching out and pulling her in for a kiss, or believing she wanted him as badly as he wanted her. The last couple of years he had been trying to just ignore the fear and make the call, kiss the girl, believe in her desire and act on his.
He did all that with Samantha from last summer to this spring but it wasn't enough.
He couldn't give her what she wanted. Couldn't be open enough. Make the kind of promises she needed: mainly that they had a future together that would include kids. He couldn't let her deep enough inside even though he tried with all he had to do it. For as right as it felt when they made love there was a greater intimacy that was lacking.
Maybe he just couldn't be that raw with any lover. Couldn't cry with her. Couldn't tell her his fears. Couldn't lose complete control.
How could he tell that to Emily or to anyone? How could he explain to Morgan why Reid felt it was hopeless to date? Why he had this deficiency that was as self defeating prophecy and would make every relationship fail in the end. How did he say that aloud?
So he didn't. A lot of times he didn't say aloud what he was feeling. Even though when he did it made things better. But still something in him rebelled against being that open with his friends.
He feared not their judgements as much as he feared their pity. It wasn't that he didn't want to share himself with the people he loved most. It was that he didn't want them to know a truth he found ugly but since that was his truth he couldn't share himself with them because he couldn't have them knowing it.
It was a vicious cycle. He didn't know how it'd ever be broken. He felt bad for snapping at Emily. Over the years she always stepped up to try and mean as much to Reid as Morgan, Garcia, JJ, Hotch. The people who came before her and knew him better. She tried to show she cared. She reached out a hand of friendship.
But when he felt too exposed- too wide open- he slapped that hand away. Things were easy when they were just joking around: playing chess or poker, talking about TV and movies he had never seen, or books she had never read. In those moments he did feel like they connected.
Reid was way too smart for his own good because he couldn't lie to himself and say that those kind of moments would ever be enough to make Emily feel like they were best friends. She'd always feel like the new girl in his life, even as they got closer and closer slowly over the time she worked there. It was a superficial closeness and it was hard fought for by her.
He owed her more. But he didn't know how to give it.