Chapter 1
Ultimately, she had refused him, and she knew it. She clutched hard at the hospital roof railings.
Everyday since that defining moment, she regretted it. Now five years later, she wished her life was different. She wished she hadn't been so self-righteous and naive, to think that she didn't need real love, to think that the differences between the two of them were indeed too immense to not make a difference to any relationship that he wanted with her.
Maybe she had been too young, and burnt once already. But maybe those were just the excuses she told herself to feel better for all of it.
And it had come too soon too late, the ending of their 'non-existent' relationship and then the realisation for her that he did mean something to her. Too many chances spent, too many advantages taken. Neela had in essence been unfair to him and everyday since they had parted ways in the hospital, that fateful day, she had been struggling to recover from the supposedly 'logically' correct decision she had made concerning 'them' and for that matter, the other decisions she had made throughout the earlier part of her life. There was nothing either correct or moral about the delay in her actions towards him, before his accident.
She had denied him because she was in denial that she needed him. She had denied him because she was in denial that his love could offer her the relief of the suffering and pain she had been going through at the time of Michael's passing. She had denied him for one and only one reason that might be considered fair in her behaviour towards him, and this was that he made her feel guilty about her growing feelings for him during a time when she should have been feeling for her then-in-Iraq husband. What did he do to deserve her feigned indifference towards him? Heart worn on his sleeve, tail between his legs, a hopeful look in his eyes like a puppy on a leash. She had him in her grip, she had the ball in her court, she was the one who held the power over him.
A tear full of all the pent-up yet still quite raw emotion fell from her distant brown eyes, tracing itself down the perfect contours of her soft delicate skin. Neela stared out into the veil of darkness that covered the illuminated cityscape below. The silent hum of the background traffic did nothing to distract her from her thoughts, rather it only served to enhance them.
Surgeons hardly had the time to look outside. The only window they ever really had access to, was that which everyone used to stare into the theatre when they performed their acts of miracles, to save whatever life had swung their way. Perhaps, secretly, one would steal a window of opportunity during surgery, for introspection into the soul.
Ray, I wish I could take back the wrong that passed between us. The wrong that has befallen you on account of me.
Neela closed her eyes. Another tear fell. And then another. Weeping now, she put her hand to her mouth to try to control the overwhelming urge to let herself go completely. She slid down to the floor still clinging with one hand on the railing, body wracking itself with sobs. It was nearly the end of her shift, and these thoughts plagued her even more today than ever before, for it was the 5th anniversary of the day he left her life and the 4th time she would be forced to remember it.
It was made more poignant by the incident that she had experienced earlier that day. As if fate was serving her a greater reminder of her mistakes, that very day itself she performed surgery on a double amputee for a case that had been similar to that of Ray's. The two separate surgical wounds of the double amputee had not healed correctly, and as such, the patient had to undergo tissue debridement, to clear away the fungated mess that he had incurred as a result of the earlier poor post-operative management he had had. After she had worked on him, she found the patient sitting in his wheelchair by the window and for only a brief moment, as she happened upon his form, she was taken aback by what she had seen. Her mind had played a trick on her. She had seen Ray sitting there. She had to remind herself that it was not Ray. It was no easy feat, for Mr.George's profile from the doorway could easily have been that of her roomie. So it was thereafter that she found herself unnecessarily more upset than usual because the fact was, that it was five years to the day that Ray had been wheeled away from her life, with all his stoicism. She did not know whether she would ever recover from the shock of that very moment, that came so plainly out of the blue when she saw him being lifted out of his wheelchair and onto his bed, and then later, when he did not look back at her as he was lead out by his mother. But she knew only one thing, which was that in her thoughts, she wished she could have been there for Ray after the whole accident, if it wasn't for fate intervening again with her own trauma. Working in the department that she did, sometimes did take its toll on her. Especially seeing as how she had thrown herself into this particular field of orthopaedics.
Neela was now shivering from the chilly night air but she didn't care. She wanted to be chilled to the bone. She wanted to feel completely numb, devoid of this ache she was enduring. She did not want this to plague her tired body. Her mistakes, her regrets, eating, clawing away at her core, like Freddie Crouger had been and gone and returned back again to slice away at her heart. She loved Ray, and try as she might, to push him out her mind, she really had not been successful at it in the last 5 years that had passed.
She must have been crying for a full thirty minutes before she was slowly overtaken by the reminding hand of time. She had to make her way back home, to their old apartment that she had secured as her own after he left her. Wiping her eyes with the back of her hand, she left the roof of the hospital to quickly gather her things from the locker-room. It was her last day before the month's leave she had taken to coincide with that date. She did not want to find herself in Chicago still. She made her goodbyes to Pratt and the others brief as she walked out of the hospital and caught the El back home.
Arriving at the front door to her apartment, memories of Ray's paraphernalia scattered around the place visited her mind's eye. But when she opened the door, like she had done so many times in the last five years, she remembered it was empty of her one and only best friend. She had decided that she would move back into their apartment because it was the closest thing she would ever now be to Ray Barnett. The only one and true love she ever could say she had. She dumped her bag on the ground and walked into the living room. She stared at her packed suitcases in the corridor. Nothing left but to make her way to the airport in the morning she thought to herself. When Neela had moved in, there was not a single item of Ray's in the apartment. It was in essence empty, except their couch which had been left behind. They needed someone to fill the vacancy left by Ray Barnett urgently but as it had turned out after her hospitalisation, she found that the place was still available, so she took whatever steps necessary and signed on the dotted line. Within minutes, his place was now hers.
Any shrink might argue that such perpetuation of pain by living in the place that reminded you of your lost loved one was unhealthy in the grand scheme of making progress with one's life and 'moving on'. Neela's argument would have been that she was moving on and that she needed the pain to carry on with the work that she had invested herself in. But in truth, the shrink would be correct, because Neela wanted the reminder of Ray. She saw it as her punishment, a visual heed to never to make the same mistake twice.
After the stampede, her parents had come to America to help her with her recovery. It just became fact that weeks had rolled into months and then into years. Neela had wanted to rectify that situation and so she did the best way she knew how. Not directly, but indirectly, she involved herself in any way, shape or form, in the assistance those suffering with paralysis or limb loss. She was heavily involved in her spare time of reading journals for the greater improvement of quality of life of patients who had to be fit with prosthetics and who were suffering with disability. In her work time, she was constantly down for orthopaedic reconstructive surgery in amputees or prosthetics-fitting clinics for patients in the next stage of their treatments.
Though she would never admit it, it was parallel to her activities when she was with Michael, or rather when he was in the absence of her. The supportive wives campaign for soldier husbands, or the anti-war rally to bring the troops home. Something or anything that would make his life not be in vain or perhaps maybe her life being in vain. Activities to rescue herself from a lifetime of occupying thoughts. Neela would never admit the parallels, perhaps because subconsciously she knew what she was doing, and as long as it was subconscious, then it was fine for her.
Neela made her way into the kitchen to pour herself some milk. She could not drink tonight. If she did, she was bound to end up drunk, and missing her long-time planned trip abroad. She walked over to their couch. Placing the glass of milk on the table she put her head down on the armrest as she stretched herself out along the soft seating. She stared up at the ceiling thoughts revolving in her mind.
She had thrown herself into this area of Surgery to help her focus her pain into something more productive. She was doing something at least that would make a difference she hoped, something which had a direction, and in this way she could move forward, whilst perhaps also still clinging onto some hope of the past. She would never think about what Ray would think of her for doing something like this. She would not want him to know what she was up to because the idea of him thinking that her actions were out of pity would hurt her. It was not out of pity. It was because she missed and loved him deep down and helping in this field was related to her unspoken feelings for him. Perhaps it was also because she did not want anyone in such a circumstance to feel like life was over for them.
Neela had planned to be away from Chicago come this anniversary. It had already been organised from six months prior. She refused to allow a repeat performance of the last few times this date had passed. No, this was not going to manifest itself again as a night of alcohol and tears, dwelling on the past alone. Though she had already cried earlier that evening, she certainly did not want to spend the week or two ahead of her alone. She thought about whether Ray would have taken it to the level she had. Perhaps not, she thought. It was unlikely that she was even in his thoughts. Why would I be? I only brought him hurt and pain, why suffer more hurt and pain with memories of me?
John, an old school friend of hers from back home in Britain, had invited her to join him at the Olympic Village, to take part in the behind the scenes action with the contending British Team. It was the 2012 Olympics and it had come to her old home city of London. It was the perfect opportunity to drown herself further in work whilst also being under the pretence of a holiday and time away from Chicago. Added to that, she had also not seen her family in nearly 5 years, not since they came to look after her when she was injured. Now it was time to take a break from this one bustle of her busy life in County, and perhaps busy herself in another bustle elsewhere. She had been invited to act as an observer with the medical team employed for the health, well-being and physical management of the Athletes. She had booked a few weeks of leave off for this.
John's father was the Chief Medical Consultant for the British Olympics team and had offered John a chance to be involved as the second in lead for the Para-Olympic team. It had so happened that that very morning he had received a long letter from his long term friend Neela Rasgotra. The two them went back a long way. They had gone to nursery school together, applied to medical school at the same time, and received their A-level exams results and acceptance letters in each other's company. Though they had not seen each other in a long while, they were always conscious enough to drop each other a line come Christmas or holidays. At least once a year, they made sure of a long distance phone call over the Atlantic. On a whim, he asked his father if he could bring someone else in addition to himself to the team, not necessarily as an active participant but as an observer. So it had been agreed that Neela was going to be the lucky individual.
In Neela opinion, John's suggestion or insistent invitation was in truth something she could not pass up as far as furthering her experience and horizons. The thought of seeing these Para Olympians in action inspired her to no end. John knew that this would certainly help her with her work in the field, and if he had anything more to do with it, to entertain the reasons why she had developed this increased interest in the field. She had not elaborated further in her letter or the conversations that they had after, as to what those reasons might have been, but John knew that there was something more to it. He knew Neela and he was concerned for her always like a brother to sister. Neela however was intrigued by the prospect of seeing in action the advancements that had been made with prosthetics in sport and the associated problems that still remained to be overcome and was serving only to drive her commitment in this area further. She wanted to see how far the limits could be pushed, and how far she could push the limits.
So it was, the next morning when she woke up, still intoxicated by yesterday's implications and the cold temperatures of the night, she resolved to try not to think about the whole thing anymore because her day had finally arrived, her flight was leaving in 5 hours and the old pull of her much loved London was calling out to her.
Hi everyone, please let me know if you've spotted any spelling mistakes/and any reviews will be of use to me, let me know what you think. Studying at the moment, so I'll have to see if this is something worth carrying on with.