He's gone, Darren.
He's gone.
Gone.
That's all that was repeating in Darren's mind right now. That he was gone. He didn't know how it had happened. One minute, Chris was smiling at him, telling him he would see him later, and then the next minute, he was standing in the waiting room in the hospital.
Apparently, there had been an accident, a bad one. Chris was talking on his cell phone, and wasn't concentrating on the road. He ran right through a red light and was hit on the driver's side, full force by a semi-truck.
The doctors said he was dead on impact. Which was good, Darren thought, he didn't suffer. He didn't want Chris to suffer. Chris was amazing and didn't deserve anything bad to happen to him. He was everything to Darren. So, why did it have to take for him to die to realize that?
Darren was curled up on his bed, eyes stinging from all the tears he had shed for his best friend. On his bedside table was a picture of him and Chris, on the set of Glee, in costume. It was the first day he had met Chris. The day his life turned completely upside down. If Chris hadn't been there, Darren didn't think he could make it through the long work days. He had the ability to cheer up Darren in one minute just by a witty comment he made.
Darren dialed the number on his phone again, it went straight to voicemail.
Hi, this is Chris' cell phone, I'm not around at the moment, but I'll call you as soon as I can, and if this is Darren, like it is ninety percent of the time, I'm on my way!
That was the thirtieth time Darren had called his phone. He was still in shock, still refused to believe that Chris was gone. He couldn't be gone. Darren needed him more than anything.
He loved Chris more than anything.
Darren started sobbing once again, "God, Chris, why was I so fucking blind? Why couldn't I open my damn eyes? You're supposed to be here Chris! You're supposed to laugh at my lame jokes; you're supposed to roll your eyes at me when I fuck up, like I always do! I fucked up so badly this time though. You aren't here anymore, Chris. I will never be able to tell you how much I loved you, how much I cared for you, how I would have done anything to just to hear your voice just one more time!"
Darren's head was buried in the pillow. His sobs were uncontrollable and wrecked through his body for what seemed like forever. He let everything out, his screams, his regrets, his fears for the future and his sorrys.
Sorry that he was too late, sorry he didn't realize it in time, sorry he took all his time with Chris for granite, sorry that he kept on saying sorry because he knew that Chris would just roll his eyes and say it was never his fault. Because Darren knew Chris and Chris knew Darren. They were each other's open books. Every wall they built up for everyone else was down for only them.
They had revealed all their dreams, fears, pasts, to one another.
And now it was gone.
Ripped away from Darren.
I'm sorry, Darren thought as he drifted into a peaceful sleep.
Well, this is new, Darren thought.
Darren's dreams had always been pretty strange, always a lot going on, none of it ever really making any sense. He didn't really mind those dreams though; it kept him entertained during his sleep.
This was weird though, it was just white, all around, whiteness, just stretching on forever and ever.
Darren didn't mind though, he wasn't really in the mood for a busy dream. He wanted something peaceful, something that wouldn't make him feel like he hadn't gotten any sleep the night before because his dream had been so much.
That's when it hit him, hard. Chris is gone. Gone. Darren grabbed his knees and put them up to his chest as sobs wrecked through his body once again.
Wow, I'm pathetic, Darren thought, I'm a mess even in my dreams. He laughed quietly to himself. Although it sounded empty and hallow, with no real emotion behind it. He wondered when will be the next time he will laugh with his eyes glowing and it not sounding so sad.
Darren sat there for what felt like hours. Just sitting there, it was the first time his mind wasn't thinking of anything since he heard the news. He liked it here, maybe he could stay here forever and not have to go back to the real world where everything was so, just, real. He could pretend like Chris never died. That it was all just a dream and where he was right now, was reality. Yeah, he could do that.
"No, Dare, I really don't think you can."
Darren felt a hand on his bare shoulder. He had now just realized that he didn't have a shirt on, but just thin cotton shorts on his lower half.
Darren turned around, knowing who he was going to see because he knew that voice from anywhere, "Chris." He whispered.
Chris gave a small smile and ran his fingers through Darren's hair. Darren had never seen Chris look so beautiful in his life. He was paler than usual, his hair seemed a little darker and his eyes seemed bluer, if that was even possible. There was sadness in eyes though, even as he smiled with his perfect pink lips. He had on a button down white shirt, white pants and was barefooted. All Darren wanted to do was reach out and hold Chris in his arms forever, never letting go, but he couldn't bring himself to even move.
"Hi, Dare. I'm… God, I'm so sorry."
Darren raised his eyebrows, "You have nothing to apologize for Chris. Nothing was your fault."
Chris shook his head, "No, I knew I shouldn't have been on the phone. I know how distracted I get when I'm talking while driving. I was careless, Darren. And now, everyone is in pain because of me. But, you seemed to be in the most."
Darren looked down; he had never wanted to seem weak. But, it felt like a part of him was taken when Chris was gone.
"Chris, I can't do this. I can't go on without you. You mean so much to me. I need you more than anyone in this world." Darren looked straight into Chris' eyes, tears silently rolling down his cheeks.
"Darren… I believe you have something to tell me. That is why I'm here, wherever here is." Chris waved his hand over the white abyss.
"You… you came here because you knew I wanted to tell you something? So, that means, you're real right now? This isn't just a dream?"
"You're sleeping. And you are dreaming but it's a real dream, if that makes any sense, because it sure as hell doesn't make any sense to me." Chris laughed. Oh, God was Darren going to miss that laugh.
"So… this is a total Harry Potter thing, right?" Darren brought himself to smile.
Chris threw his head back and laughed, "Yes, Dare, it is. Although, I'm pretty glad we have clothes on, it would be quite awkward if we were standing here naked."
Darren couldn't stop the words from slipping from his mouth, "I'm sure you would look beautiful, as always."
Chris gave a small smile, "What do you need to tell me, Darren?"
Darren gave a deep breath, "I'm sorry, Chris. I'm sorry it took me this long realize something that I should have realized a long time ago. I'm sorry it took for your death for me to realize…" He drew another breath, "That I'm in love with you."
Chris fell apart on the spot, "Fuck, fuck it all! Why did I have to be on the goddamned phone? Why couldn't have I just waited until I was home? Why was I so stupid? Why did I have to even die?"
Chris was on his knees in front of Darren, his head cradled in his eyes as he wept. Darren automatically kneeled down to the ground beside him and grabbed Chris in his arms. He was much colder than he was before he died, he felt lifeless, but he didn't care. It was still Chris, it was still the man he loved.
"Shh, Chris, Shh, it's okay." Darren ran his fingers through Chris' hair and whispered in his ear.
"No, Darren, it's not okay! Want to know why? Because I fucking love you too!" Chris got up and pulled himself away from Darren's arms.
"I've loved you for so long, Darren. I never said anything to anyone because I know the look they would all give me, the 'I'm sorry sweetie, but Darren is straight and you have no chance' look. But, you loved me back, I felt that. Deep down, I knew we didn't just have any regular friendship Dare. I mean, for crying out loud, we cuddled every night, we held each other's hand, and we kissed each other's cheek like it was the most natural thing in the world!" Chris' chest was heaving up and down and his eyes were snapped shut.
Darren didn't know what to say, by some miracle, this man loved him back. The most beautiful, amazing, wonderful man Darren has ever met loved him back.
"I'm sorry that is took me so long to figure it out. I knew we had a special friendship Chris, I just didn't look too into it because, well I think it was because I was scared. Of what, I really have no idea. But, for some reason, I was. And I am so sorry Chris, so fucking sorry." Darren grabbed Chris and pulled him into a bone crushing hug.
They were both crying into each other's shoulders, needing to get everything out that they had held in for so long.
After what seemed like a life time, they pulled away from each other. Sad smiled playing on their lips, hands still intertwined with each other's.
"Darren, I need you to promise me something."
"Anything."
"Move on. Fall in love. Marry someone. Have kids. Grow old."
Darren looked at Chris in shock, "I… I don't think I can do that Chris. I love you too much."
Chris cupped Darren's cheek, "And I love you, so much. But, if you loved me, you would do this for me. Cry over me for the next week with everyone else, scream, yell, break things, sing, and let it all out. Then, after that is done, move on. You can't mourn me forever, Dare. You have to live your life; don't let me stop you from living your life."
Darren stared at Chris, he knew he was serious. But, could Darren do that? Just, move on from him? Love someone else? Have someone else's kids? Grow old with someone that is not Chris?
Darren leaned his forehead to touch Chris', "I'll… I'll try, Chris. I really will, for you. But, no matter who I fall in love with after this, you will always have my heart in a way. Part of it will always belong to you."
Chris smiled, "I will always belong to you, Darren. You are the only person whom I ever truly loved. And probably always will be. I don't know where I'm going, if there is a heaven after this, but just know, wherever I am, I'll always be with you."
"I love you." Darren stated simply.
"And I love you."
Chris tiled his head and brought his lips to meet Darren's. The kiss started off as soft and sweet, just trying to explore each other for the first time. Darren tasted like coffee and Chris had tasted like, well, heaven.
The kiss slowly became more urgent and Darren's tongue swiped across Chris' lower lip. Chris opened his mouth slightly and invited Darren in. Their tongues moved slowly against one another's, not really fighting for any type of dominance. Chris' hands trailed over Darren's hip bones and Darren shivered.
Chris smiled, loving this effect he had on Darren. He brought it hands up more and lightly traced patterns on his chest.
Darren pulled away, breathless, "Chris. Oh, God.
Chris brought his hand up and wiped away a tear that was falling from Darren's eyes, "It's time for me to go, Darren."
"N-no. Chris, don't leave me." Darren leaned into Chris's hand that was cupping his cheek.
Chris felt his heart break in his own chest, "I'm sorry, Darren. I wish I could have a life with you. I wish I could spend forever with you. We could have lived together in New York and had a life. But, that can't happen. I will always be with you though, wherever you go. Just know that I love you, I forgive you for anything you will do in the future, I will never stop loving you Darren."
Darren was sobbing into Chris' arms, his body shaking violently. Chris wrapped his arms tightly around Darren for their last embrace they will ever have.
When Darren finally calmed down, he looked up at Chris, "Okay. Okay, I love you, Chris. Always."
Chris kissed him once more, but this time, it was all tongue and teeth and passion.
"Goodbye, Darren."
Chris pulled away and walked into the white abyss. He watched Chris fade away into nothingness.
"Goodbye, Chris."