The usually loud, music screaming, bass pumping, Impala was unusually silent. Sam Winchester stared out the window, oblivious to the lack of noise. His mind kept hitting the repeat button of the previous night's fight. The things he said to Dean, they way he said them, echoed in his guilty psyche.
"You wanna know why I didn't tell you about Ruby? And how we're hunting down Lilith? Because you are too weak to go after her, Dean," the venom dripped off the words. "You're holding me back! I'm a better hunter than you are: stronger, smarter. I can take out demons you're too scared to go near," Sam studied his older brother's face, glad he was seeing the hurt on Dean's face. But that wasn't even the worst part he had said. Sam wanted Dean to feel the pain, he wanted to see the heartache flash across his older brother's face. In truth, what he really wanted was to beat the living hell out of his brother. "You're too busy sitting around feeling sorry for yourself, whining about all the souls you tortured in Hell. Boo-hoo."
Sam closed his eyes, seeing the look on his brother's face right before throwing his knife. It was a look of anger and hurt. Exactly what Sam wanted at the time. But right now, it was the look that haunted him.
He was the one who wanted Dean to open up about his time in Hell. He was the one who pushed him into talking about it. And when he finally did, Sam saw the guilt that laced his brother's face. How could he have shoved all of that back in Dean's face? Sure, he was under the siren's spell, but that was no excuse. He should have tried harder to resist.
He glanced over at his brother, the dark purple and blue bruise standing out against his skin. Guilt flashed over him once more. I did that to him.
"Dean?" Sam said, quietly.
"What?" Dean answered a little more harsh than he meant to.
"Um, I know we said that we didn't mean those things we said, but I just….I don't…I don't want you to think that you can't tell me about what happened to you in Hell. What I said back there, I…I didn't mean it."
"You sure about that?" Dean threw back, raising his eyebrows.
"Yes, of course! I was under the siren's spell. I didn't want to say those things, I didn't mean any of what I said."
"No? Because I have been sitting here thinking about how everything rang true. You don't need me, Sammy. You were on your own for four months. Oh, wait a minute, you had Ruby."
"What was I supposed to do? Everyone had left me. I lost everyone I had ever cared about. And some how I had to keep fighting? Ruby helped me focus my anger and pain. But I never replaced you with her! She couldn't even come close."
"Well I'm sorry, Sammy. I am not going to support what you are doing. Don't you remember what Uriel said? What Cas said?"
"Yeah-"
"They are going to kill you if you use your powers! They are going to kill you Sammy! You keep walking this thin line. But you don't even care! You promised me that you were going to stop using your powers and-"
"No I didn't," Sam interrupted.
"Come again?"
"I never promised you anything. I told you that I was done using them, but you know what? I don't want to be sixty years old, fighting another damn demon! I don't want to keep living this life! And if I can end all of this with my powers, you are damn right I am going to use them! This apocalypse is coming. I don't want to bury you again."
"That won't happen."
"You don't know that Dean! You can't know that! You have been getting more and more reckless on our hunts!"
"Funny, I was thinking the same about you! And you know what Sam? I meant every word I had said. You've changed, Sammy. I don't know who you are anymore. You know, you would have never lied to me before about Ruby. Never. Hell, you would have probably sent her back to hell where she belongs. But the thing that gets me is that you are still calling her. And instead of telling me, you go behind my back again. I don't know who you are anymore. I just don't."
"I'm still your brother-"
"Oh really? Because I was under the impression that brother's had each other's backs. No Sam. I don't know if I can trust you."
"Of course you can!" Sam yelled, his heart plummeting to his knees.
"Fine, tell me what else you have been hiding from me? Huh? What other abilities do you have? What other demons are you making alliances with?"
"I am not making any alliances with demons! Yes, Ruby helped me. But I am using this curse to kill Lilith! To end the apocalypse! What do you want me to do? Just sit here with a thumb up my ass? I can't do that if I know I could end it all right now!"
"What's the cost? These powers are demonic. It's only a matter of time before you go dark side. We can figure out another way."
He was answered with silence. He looked back at his brother, seeing the cut along his throat, the cut he caused.
"We will figure out another way, Sammy. I promise you that," he said with conviction.
The Impala continued its silent drive down the dark road, carrying the two brother who were the same but worlds apart.