Disclaimer: I don't own Law and Order or CSI:NY or any other kind of show. one-shot, kind of stupid and senselss, I know, but I wanted to put an end to Logan's career even here and this come to my mind....
Mike Logan didn't know exactly how or when it happened, but he knew that, somehow, at a certain point, things between Him and CSI Antoinette "Toni" Madison changed, and not in an good way. The good way was at the beginning of their relationship, when everything was easy and new, but, as things got complicated (serious) between them, he understood that was the problem: things were getting serious. Things were getting serious, and Toni was a way younger than him. And she was ready, he knew it, as he knew that she no longer belonged to him, because she deserved it, she deserved better than this, better than what he could give her but didn't want to… it was time to give up on her and her relationship. He had thought about it for months and months, immediately after the birth of little Sidney "Sid" Madison, 6th child to her father, who, just 4 months before, joined 46 years old Joseph Junior "J.J", 42 years old Ellison "Elle", 39 years old Marion "Mari" (he thought that Ellison Madison was bad, but, seriously, Marion Madison? Who was her, a comic character from the 50s, like Lois Lane or Lana Lang?), 36 years old Antoinette "Toni", 23 years old Madeline "Mad", and 4 years old Lillian "Lilli". The day of the birth, she has arrived even before her dad, she had been the one to carry her for first. Tony was shining, while holding her in her arms. He understood that, after being forced to give up for adoption Carol, she still wanted a baby; having her daughter back in her life was, still, making her whish stronger: her daughter was 18, at her side, but her biological mother hadn't see a single thing of her life as a child- no first steps, first word, first day at school. It wasn't that strange that she wanted something like that, though: she was still young (younger than her step-mother), she could still have them, she deserved it, but him… yes, he could have given her a child. Of course, he knew he was turning 52 in few weeks, but, after all, wasn't her dad 64? It wasn't that he couldn't gave he a child. he didn't want to, it was different, it was quite different. And, with all honesty, he couldn't understand why she wanted one, too: raise a baby in their line of work? With the horrors they witnessed every single day? What was she, crazy? For him, bringing a child to life knowing what he had to go through was a simple crime. Besides… besides, he knew she knew it too, and that was driving them apart, and it wasn't fair. And… and this wasn't the only problem. He wanted to leave the Police, New York, even the State. In the last few months, it had been too much for him. He wanted, and needed, fresh air. But, while talking with Toni about it, she has minimized it: he was stressed, working too much, just needed a vacancy, few weeks away and then come back as new, 'cause he was Mike Logan, a life in the Force, and he couldn't even think about giving up. All the evil she had seen, all the evil she had to go through, and she still had hope, she kept seeing the bright side of things, she still believed in what she did, and in redemption. And she loved her work. And New York. And she couldn't think of herself as a something separate from her work from a time longer than 2 weeks.
"Mike, you all right?" Mac Taylor, Toni's boss at the local CSU, woke him up from his dream-like state. "Oh, Ehy Mac, yeah, I'm fine, just…. Thinking, I guess – he pauses, looking around in search of his "girlfriend" – a crime scene?"
"There's always a crime scene, Logan, you know us. We can work 24/7, if there's need." Mac answered him with something that was supposed to be a mix of a grin and of a smile.
"I mean, is Toni at a crime scene? My girlfriend, you remember? - Mac seemed to be lost, like he didn0t know what to say and how to say it, the only think he did, was to look away from Mike – Mac, c'mon, where's Toni?" at this point, Mike had understood something wasn't wrong, and he was getting annoyed and mad: why wasn't Taylor telling him what was wrong? Was she undercover? Was she hurt? Dead, maybe?
"Jo passed before. Sid had a visit, and so, he asked Toni to watch over Lilli while she was having lunch."
"home?" he asked, as he was already walking in direction of the elevator, with a grin printed on his face.
"The park just around the corner, with all the kids' games. She said they were going to have a picnic, or something like that and… - Mac was hesitant. Why didn't he want to tell him what was wrong with Toni? He could say it aloud, he didn't need to.. – and nothing. She simply is at the park having lunch with her sister."
"'k, good, I guess. See you around"
As he walked inside the extremely small park, at a certain point, he heard her. To be more accurate, he heard her laugh. It was new: he had heard her cry, giggling, be mad and annoyed, but never an honest-to-God laughter like that. He wondered what was that about, then, the realization that her little sister had probably done something funny hit him. He got sad at the thought: that was how she was like when she had children around.
"once I arrested the guy, I noticed the wife was in a certain hurry to get rid of him. And I thought, well, she doesn't get along with what he does for a living, but I heard a sound coming from the inside of the wardrobe, and when I opened it, I found her lover guy, completely naked, half-crying and beating his teeth like I scared kid…and he had been inside the piece of furniture the whole time while his lady was having fun with her husband." That wasn't Toni. That was a masculine, young – very, very young – voice. But he, whoever it was, was talking with her. After all, how many police officers could be there at the same time? Hard to believe it wasn't a conversation between policemen.
"Oh, c'mon, enough now – he heard her laugh again, proof that the man was indeed talking with her, and he was the reason she was so happy and was having so much fun – Ehy, I'm serious! You should watch our language and your topics while my sis is here!"
"Oh, c'mon Toni, your dad is like a rabbit, he has 7 child from 3 different women, and got married 5, right? – he pauses, his voice was a little sarcastic, and from he was, Mike could see that he was close to her, and, lining in her direction, was looking strictly into her eyes, something he hadn't dare to do since he got to the conclusion that things weren't meant to be. – maybe she doesn't know how the babies actually comes to the world, but I'm pretty sure she has already a vague idea. It's of your sister we're talking about, after all. I bet she is a little genius like you" he was flirting, and he was so close that… he was so close that he could kiss her, but, although at first she seemed to not mind, at the last second she moved away, just mere instants before his lips could be on hers.
"Okay, Don, enough. I think we discussed my daddy's issues for a way too long – she pauses, then smiled again, pointed at him her right index .- and don't you dare to talk about work again! It's the least you can do, since I offered you lunch!"
Don? That was Donald Flack Jr., then. Young and charming detective. Homicide. smart and fun. And easy-going, differently from him.
"Thank you for having let Lilli playing with Kathy, Mrs. Madison – a Hispanic woman in her 50s approached her at the bench they were sitting on and where they were eating sandwiches and drinking hot tea from the thermos; she didn't seem Kathy's mom, more like her nanny, and he wasn't surprised she knew the Madison's: nannies always knew all the nannies, and, the Madison's being the Madison's, they had to have a nanny – Lilli is such a sweet child, and she is so smart and polite… you and your husband are extremely lucky to have such a baby in your life. " as she says so, she gave them back Lilli, and left the park with the child she had to look after, while he… while Mike kept looking at the pairs and the baby who, half-asleep, Don Flack had taken in his arms – 5 years were always 5 years, and she had become quite big to be hold by her sister. And it wasn't the only thing he saw. The first thing he noticed, was that, while they were talking, Don had an arm at the back of the bench, and was playing with a lock of her hair – and she seemed to don't mind. He saw how familiar they were, how at easy he was holding her baby sister – like he was part of the family. But, mostly, he had seen that neither of them had stopped the nanny when she had referred to them as "Mr. and Mrs. Madison" and Lilli's parents: Toni had simply lowered her look, biting her lips and allowing a stream of pink to appear on her usually pale cheeks, while Don the homicide detective had looked at her sweetly, trying to take her hand in his one, keeping playing with that lock, smiling, and being happy… like he'd wish it to be true.
"listen, there's a free closet in my room, I was wondering if you'd like to leave something here.- They were having dinner at his place, in silence, after he had asked her to take a no-call evening for weeks. At this point, they weren't even still dating: a dinner once in a while – because she was obsessed with work, or maybe it was just an excuse to avoid him and the confrontation they needed to have - but, 9 on 10, they simply had sex – wordless, emotionless sex, more like screwing, and definitely not "making love". AND she had never let anything at his place – neither had he, to be completely honest, but it was different. And she wasn't answering. - but maybe you've already left something at his place, right?" it wasn't an accusation, and he wasn't driven by rage or made. He just wanted to see how she was going to react. And if she was going to react at all.
"Sorry?" she seemed so… lost in her thoughts. That moment, he become serious, realizing for the first time that she hadn't head a word he had said the whole evening. That was clearly the sign that, whatever happened between the two of them, had been merely physical, or simply done out of need. And whatever it was, it was over.
"I asked you if you had already left something at Flack's place" he thrown his napkin on the table, and went on the balcony, starting to smoke. That moment, Toni knew it was bad- because Mike never smoke if it wasn't bad.
"What? You think I'm cheating on you? You know me! I'd never…"
"I believe when you said that nothing happened between the two of you – he pauses, without looking at her, taking sips of smoke from his cigarette – but, let's face the truth, it's just a matter of time. One day he'll kiss you, you'll be scared and run away. Maybe it has already happened . and then, one day, you'll be the one to run to him and kiss him. "
"Mike, it's a nonsense…" she begged, almost in tears.
"Oh, no, it's true. I saw the two of you together. When you went to the park with your sister, and he came along. He tried to kiss you, and you didn't pull pack until he was already on top of you. And when that lady called you husband and wife…. Well, Toni, you didn't mind too much, did you? "
In that moment, her hand collapsed with his face, and, has he messaged the red point, she cried. "How you dare… how you dare Mike… I love you! You know that!"
"That's the point, Toni. You love me – he says serious, trying to get closer to her – but you're no longer in love with me. I think it ended the day your sister was born, when I told you I didn't want any child, foster, adopted or biological. – he paused, as he went in direction of the door and took it open for her – it was good until it lasted, but this is no longer my life, Toni. He'll made you happy, I know it. There's a reason when we were out people thought I was your dad but saw Flack as your husband. there's a reason why you smile and laught while you're with him but can't do it wile we're together. " he kissed her goodnight, and, once she left, went to do what he had from a long time: he turned on his laptop, putting on paper his resignation with the usual 2 weeks' notice. He knew that a part of his life – maybe the better one – was over, but he felt…. Somehow, relieved. But never as relieves as when, 2 years later, Bobby and Alex send him a photo from Christmas, featuring, among the others, them with their 6 years old adopted son and Detective Toni Flack with her husband and her infant daughter (looked like the curse of the Madison's had stroke again, bringing another girl in the life of the family) . Caroline, his former partner, whom he looked for after the resignation and ended marrying, looked at him, smiling and sitting on the sofa with the photo in his hands, and embraced him from the back, giving him a quick kiss on what was left of his hair.
"You know, the first time I saw Toni, I thought she was the one."
"well, better for me that you left her."
"better for the all of us, Caro."