AN: character death, angst, slightly one sided ZaTr and some feelings of confusion oh and some hints at ZaDr.
Numb
I watch her disrobe and slink into the irken shower with an inviting sway of her hips. I tell her I'll join her in a moment as I take off my own clothes. She smiles and steps in. I grab the mini blaster out of my pak and step into the shower holding it behind my back. She turns around and pulls me close, laying a soft kiss on my lips. I don't feel a thing but I've gotten oh so good at pretending so I lick her lips in response. That earns me a smile and a giggle. "Are you eager?" I give her another copy cat smile and nod.
She wraps her arms around my neck giving me another kiss but this one is deeper. She doesn't suspect a thing, she's far too trusting of me and really believes that I can return her feelings. I grin into the kiss and shove my tongue into her mouth making her gasp. I draw my tongue back slowly and whisper into her lekku. "I'm done pretending.." She looks up at me with sudden confusion written on her face as I place the mini blaster to her chest and pull the trigger. Her expression changes to shock and she crumples to the ground landing on her side.
I don't feel a thing until she speaks. "I love you Zim." I scowl as a feeling arises from the numbness. Loathing. I don't know who the loathing is for but I know it is there. I watch as her eyes lose their shine and she is dead. The blast hit her pak and it is smoking now. My eyes go half lidded and my lekku fall limp. I stand there for several minutes just staring and gripping the mini blaster. "I could never love the one that made me this way. I can't love you because you killed him. I used to be numb but now I feel as though I have a whirlwind inside me tossing everything inside around like toys, churning everything and stirring up the ghosts of feelings I used to have and bringing them back to life in full force."
My words fall on deaf lekku but I can't stop speaking now that I've started I must do something to ease that which has risen from the ashes of my inner being. "I don't know who I hate more, me or you." She doesn't move or respond. I vaguely think that I'm losing it. "And I really don't know which reason is worse. That I could never love you or the fact that you trusted and cared." I watch the smoke rise from her pak start to thin. "Why did I do it? Because we are so similar it hurts. Remember, opposites attract." I stare at her unblinking, shineless eyes and a new feeling that was always hiding in the shadows rears it's ugly head. "But I feel so wretched. You shouldn't have let me in."
"..." She cannot answer and I finally hang my head in shame. This is not how Dib would've wanted to be avenged. So why did I toy with her emotions? Was it self gratification? Maybe I wanted her to know what having your equivalent to a heart ripped in metaphorical halves felt like. Maybe just because I could. I'll never know for sure. "I'm so confused.." It won't be long before I'm numb again. The feelings are already retreating slowly back into their proper slots and hiding places in the shadow of my mind. Already they become quiet and die down slowly into a dark brooding slumber until something else rouses them from their sad demented sleep. I doubt anything ever will. I am cold. I am numb. And nothing may ever change that.