Chapter 1

Keep Driving

The day had been so normal.

He had woken up in the arms of his beautiful fiancée, put another murderer behind bars and he had even managed to finish his paperwork. So when the call came in, he couldn't believe it. It couldn't be true.

Horatio had been in his office when the call came in. Hagen talked but the words didn't register. Even after John disconnected, he still couldn't hear anything. He just sat there glaring at the phone like if he glared at it long enough, everything would go back to normal. But deep down in his heart, he knew nothing would ever be 'normal' again.

He wanted to yell. He wanted to scream at God and ask him why? Why why why, did he have to ruin everything?

He'd been to the hospital, but he couldn't stay long. Hospitals drove him crazy and even if she did need him, he couldn't have helped her if he had wanted to. So he returned to the safe haven of his office and fought off the constant burn of tears. A soft knock on the door drove him back to reality.

"Handsome, what happened?" Alexx, it was the only way she could possibly know. She took a few steps in and pushed him again for an answer.

Her eyes screamed of worry and concern… and he had never hated her more for it. What right did she have to be upset? This didn't affect her. Yet, in the back of his mind, he knew better.

It did affect her, because she was the one who would have to deal with his nightmares. She was the one who would take the brunt of his anger when IAB asked too many questions and she was the one who would be there when it all became too much.

"Horatio," Her voice was firm, almost demanding.

"Raymond is dead." The words rumbled in his throat and out of his mouth. Calleigh just stood there with a dumbfounded look on her face. "Did you hear what I said?!" With one clean sweep of his arm, he cleared his desk onto the floor. She jumped back, startled at his violence.

Horatio rested his hands on his desk and hung his head. Anger pulsed through him like an electrical current. He wanted, no; needed to hit something, beat it until it felt as bad as he did. His fist clenched and his jaw tightened. He could hear the soft patter of her feet on the carpet as she approached him.

He wanted her to go, to leave him and not look back because he wasn't sure of what he was going to do but he knew it was something he didn't want her to witness.

She placed her little warm hands on his fists to get him to try and release them. He only clenched harder. When he didn't respond to her touch, she moved her hand to her shoulder.

"Horatio, talk to me." A purely animal instinct snapped inside of him. He reared up to face her as anger turned to rage in his eyes.

"Talk isn't going to bring my brother back." He gritted his teeth as he spoke.

"I know but-" He couldn't take it anymore. He grabbed her wrists and pinned them to her chest as he pulled her close to him.

"Go Cal. Get away from me. You don't know anything about what I'm going through. You can't fix this with a few pretty words and some well placed tears." He didn't realize the force he was using until he heard her whimper and he almost felt bad about it—almost. He then pushed her away from him and walked over to the window that overlooked the city. "Just leave." Calleigh stayed right where she was.

"Don't push me away Horatio. I want to help you. I can't just stand by and watch you self destruct with guilt and pain." Calleigh voice started to crack as she went on. "They need you, Horatio. Especially Ray Jr., he needs you to be there for him more than anyone right now. Ray would want that."

"You don't know Ray."

"No, but I know you." Horatio turned around and stared at her. She walked over to him. The pain etched across his face physically hurt to see. Calleigh reached up and caressed his cheek with her hand. "Let me take you home. You should get some sleep." She tried to take his hand but he pulled away.

"What's the point?" He shrugged and took a step away from her. "No, I need to get out of here, clear my head. I need to be alone." Calleigh took the hint and backed away.

"I'll be at home if you need me." She gave him a sad smile before disappearing down the stairs.

He stayed there, staring out over the city for a few more minutes before finally leaving his office and the lab. He felt ancient as he walked. His legs were heavy and his arms were like concrete blocks at his side.

His hummer waited for him out in the parking lot. He dug his keys out of his pocket and entered the familiar vehicle. The radio played some sad song as he drove around aimlessly and he found it surprisingly fitting for the mood.


And I'm hanging on a memory, and I feel it in the air
I'm a prisoner of these lonely streets,
But I know Ill find you there
And oh lord, you look so pretty,
But you can see it in my eyes
And just before my tear will fall, oh you smile and get inside
It seems so real until the light turns green

Don't wake me up, don't ruin this dream, don't take me from my scene

Keep driving, keep driving,
Keep driving, keep driving,
I cant go home, don't take me home, I cant go home alone

Maybe Calleigh was right. Maybe he did need her, but he couldn't go to her now. Not when he was this fragile. He needed to go somewhere to break, to fall apart and then regain his composure.

The Keys were tempting but he couldn't very well leave Yelena alone to deal with all the arrangement and when she found out where he was, Calleigh would kick his sorry ass back to Miami.

So several hours after leaving CSI, he arrived at his final destination of Ray and his childhood home out in Hialeah. After their mothers' death, they couldn't bring themselves to sell the place. It was where they could run away when they need to and no one, with the exception of Yelena, knew about it.

He didn't even bother turning the lights on, he just headed straight for the well stocked liquor cabinet. A full bottle of scotch stood front and center and he took it without a second thought. In the back of his mind he knew Calleigh would be disappointed that he turned to the bottle instead of her but he just couldn't bring himself to give a damn.

He didn't bother with a glass, just drank straight from the bottle. He sunk down on the couch as the bitter alcohol started to work its magic.

As he took another swallow and let it burn all the way down, he reached down and removed his holster which was digging into his side. He slid the cool metal through his fingers and wondered what it would be like to feel the cold burn at his temple and then sink into blissful sleep. The thought left his mind when he heard Calleigh words echo in his head.

'They need you, Horatio.'