After watching the QVC channel for two hours, Reggie went out and discovered something weird in a nest with two male Bidoofs. There was an egg lying between them, and that was weird because gay Pokemon don't exist. What are you, gay?
Nonetheless, Reggie was not discriminate to his eggs and took the Bidoof egg and stuffed it in the front of his apron's pocket. It was his job to take care of any egg. He was a breeder, after all.
Yes, he was a breeder, but he used to be a trainer. He used to travel around, kicking ass and receiving cash until Brandon (who was his father, let's face it) scared the bejesus out of him. Now it was his little brother Paul's turn to try to be the berry best as Reggie retired to sitting at home and watching Pokemon fuck each other.
The day the egg has finally hatched would be the day he would never forget. On that day he was sitting on the couch, watching Days of Our Lives until eggshell shards flew into his eyes. After screaming for his dear life, calming the fuck down, and cleaning off his face, Reggie saw that there was a baby Bidoof in place of the egg.
It eyed him… with three eyes. Then it opened its mouth, and a long tongue came out and engulfed his head, giving him a suffocating and wet hug.
In the next few weeks, Reggie learned many things about this unusual Bidoof. It could play the bagpipe with its nose, sing opera in a baritone voice, and rip phone books in half. Yet there was one thing he didn't know as he and Bidoof frolicked through a field of daisies.
"BI BI BI BI!" Bidoof bidoof'd.
"I love you, too!" Reggie replied, although Bidoof said it needed to go pee really bad.
One day Reggie got a video phone call from Paul. This happened on occasion, but when it does happen, Reggie always loved to make his brother feel awkward. The little son of a bitch knew this, too.
"So I want you to send me Electabuzz," Paul said after a short bit of small talk.
"Sure thing," Reggie said back. He leaned back on his chair with his legs spread out wide. Paul took note of this.
"Would you quit that?" he uttered.
"Quit what?"
"Sitting like that."
"What?"
"You're sitting like a freakin' porn star. Cut it out."
"Oh, I see. Okay." Yet Reggie didn't do anything. "I love you, Paul."
Paul exhaled really loud. And with that, Reggie let out a chuckle until he heard Maylene scream outside. She was visiting to check out the baby Pokemon. While in the middle of this, Reggie had to go answer the phone.
"Paul, that… wasn't a joke," Reggie said as Paul glared at him so intensely his eyebrows were attached to his eyes. "I'll call you back, Poopy." Reggie hung up and ran out the door to see Maylene pressing her back against the fence, while the mutated Bidoof was ganging towards her.
"Maylene, that's a special Bidoof. Don't be racist!" Reggie shouted as he came towards her.
"HE'S TRYING TO KILL ME!" Maylene screamed, and indeed the Bidoof was attempting murder what with that butcher knife in its paw.
"Holy shitake!" Reggie halted. The Bidoof turned at Reggie, and with the knife it stabbed itself. Bidoof split itself in half, but it wasn't dead. Oh, no. Underneath that Bidoof was… an alien.
You see, the aliens in space had a grudge against the humans for kicking them off Earth in favor of Pokemon since the beginning of time. They finally decided to strike by putting a Pokemon egg with an alien posing as a Bidoof in between two Bidoofs. When the egg hatches, well, here we were.
Maylene took this chance to escape as Reggie was speechless. He had no idea this Bidoof was a lie. Reggie felt like he himself was living a lie. It was also crushing to know that Reggie had to act quickly and kill his baby, his monster, but he knew that life can be a challenge. Life can seem impossible, but it's never easy when there's so much on the line. He learned this in the year 2000.
The alien lunged at Reggie, but he caught its wrists as they both rolled around in the mud. Maylene came from behind the alien with a shovel and smashed it at the alien's back. Reggie managed to get a hold of the knife, but the alien wasn't completely out.
Oh no, it had resorted to shooting laser beams out of its crazy eyes. Reggie and Maylene made a gallop for it because, you know, fuck that shit. Yet there was one crazy fucker who didn't feel daunted. The two almost shat their pantaloons when they suddenly heard a gunshot.
They turned around and saw it came from Brandon, who was wielding a shotgun.
"OF COURSE!" he said. His loud voice rivaled that of Byron's. Actually, no, not really. Nobody can beat Byron. He was still loud, though. "OF COURSE IT WOULD BE HERE."
Reggie felt the tears in his eyes well up at the fact his father just killed his mutated baby. Reggie thought that he has gone too far. He believed he could have changed this alien's attitude and once again become the loving child Reggie once had. He even believed it could have been a quarterback one day.
But no. It was dead now. The very same man who turned Reggie into a pussy killed the alien.
While Reggie was being emo, Maylene asked how Brandon knew there was an alien here.
"WELL, ONCE UPON A TIME, I MET A PERSON. THAT VERY SAME PERSON DIED OF CANCER," Brandon bullshitted. He obviously didn't feel like explaining. He realized that Reggie was a very sad boy, and he went over and pimp-slapped him with his beefy arms.
"REGGIE, I HAVE SOME ADVICE FOR YOU," he declared. He placed a hand on his shoulder. "WHEN SOMEONE COMES OVER AND KILLS THE ONE YOU LOVE, AND THAT ONE HAPPENS TO BE AN ALIEN, I BELIEVE IT IS TIME TO REEVALUATE YOUR LIFE. I THINK YOU BEING A BREEDER HAS MADE YOU A LITTLE WEIRD. CHANGE YOUR SHIRT, GROW SOME BALLS, AND WATCH THESE DVDS." Brandon reached into his fanny pack and gave Reggie some pornos. "WELL, I GOT TO GO. ONCE YOU GET LAID, I'LL GIVE YOU THAT MAN SYMBOL."
Brandon hopped into his space ship thing and flew away, leaving Reggie, Maylene, and the alien corpse alone. Maylene watched Reggie sniffed as he knelt down to pick up the alien into his arms. He cradled it as he sobbed out a few lyrics of a lullaby. Maylene found this to be uncomfortable, so she kicked him unconscious and flushed the dead alien down the toilet before proceeding to loot a few Pokemon eggs to eat later. She didn't come here for this bullshit.