Warning: This is a one shot that involves non-con situations and a character trying to justify such actions. Please do not read if this could trigger or upset you. This is a rewrite of an old story.

The shackles lay in a heap against the far wall.

Gunmetal gray dappled with the stark white of fallen plaster and the slick red of fresh blood. The ragged ends of the broken links shone beneath the lights, cruel peaks and valleys, very nearly beautiful.

There was memory there, in the cunning curve of chains and dots of crimson. Duo shifted, shaking off those ghosts, the echo of oxygen deprivation that tightened his chest and pressed the air from his lungs. If he couldn't breathe now it wasn't because of these cuffs, these chains.

It had sounded like a gunshot when the first chain popped. Duo had never known betrayal could be described in a sound, a frozen note that resonated in the soul.

The hiss of the shower in the adjoining room cut off, and now it was silence that made him tense. The window was open, offering a glimpse of the autumn night, and every instinct in him screamed at him to run, to escape the punishment he knew he'd earned.

But Heero had ordered him to sit with an impatient wave and so Duo ignored the eager muscles twitching in his thighs. It was the least of what he owned, this small obedience.

The door behind him swung wide and bounced against the wall. Wet feet slapped against the tiles as Heero passed him by and moved to the bed with its mussed and torn sheets. Duo kept his eyes focused high, not wanting to see the marks at wrists and ankles, the skin rubbed raw and weeping.

Heero sat on the edge of the mattress. Close enough to touch, but Duo could feel the chasm between them yawning wide. The moment their eyes met felt like sex, like death, and Duo moaned, the words he hadn't yet meant to utter pouring out.

"I didn't...I only wanted...I just wanted you to see! Please don't be upset, don't be hurt, I was only trying...I never thought..."

He'd wanted to let Heero speak first, purge honestly his pain before Duo clouded the matter with his justifications and excuses. But as always his mouth thought it knew better, vomiting out a rapid stream that rose in shrill volume.

"I didn't, it's just I thought if you knew how it felt, what it was..."

There was little anger in Heero's eyes, only deep weariness. No compassion either, no mercy, and Duo stuttered to a slow stop and hung his head.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, and knew those words should have come before the rest. Should have been left to stand alone, because they were the ones that mattered.

"You tied me down." Heero's own voice had been stripped of dignity, reduced to a child's whine. "You tied me down and raped me. Do you understand that?"

Duo lurched forward and fumbled to take Heero's hands in his own. They lay lax and cold in his too tight grip, infecting him with a chill that made him shiver. "No, no, I just wanted to show you...you liked it, I know you did!"

He'd gone about things all wrong, he could admit that, but rape?

The evidence had been washed away, but Heero had liked it. For a few precious seconds he had strained against Duo not in rage but in passion, and it had been perfect, everything Duo had hoped for and dreamed of. The flush at his cheeks, the gasps that fell from swollen lips...

"You liked it," he repeated, sullen now. Angry now, because rape was cruelty and pain, and he'd meant the night as a gift. Had only wanted to open Heero's eyes to the pleasure he'd denied them both, and perhaps in doing so open Heero's heart.

He didn't see Heero move. A confusing thing, to find himself flat on his back, cheek flaring with such a bright and bitter pain that he knew a bone had been broken.

But he understood too quickly what had happened, because Heero stood above him, fists still clenched, and Duo closed his eyes. Waited in darkness for another blow, more pain.

"Of course I did," Heero said, "I'd never done anything like that before. Nothing close. But I said no. I said no."

Duo levered himself to a crouch. And stayed there at Heero's feet, bent low and aching. He wished Heero had lashed out again with his fists instead of that terrible truth, would have spread wide his arms and welcomed battering fists and feet if it meant he could hide a little longer from his own sins.

For even now his traitor of a body couldn't help but respond to the sight of Heero pacing, a blur of motion and fury, cheeks flushed now for a different reason. This was all Duo had wanted of him, this raw and glorious emotion.

"I wanted...it was just another order, Duo. I'm tired of orders. You said I needed to lose control, but I never had enough to begin with. I just...I wanted someone to wait for me. I thought you could see I was trying."

"I waited five fucking years!" Blood rushed to his head when he stood and made Duo stagger. "Five years, Heero. Five years of watching you fall into yourself a little more each day, hiding away in that damn room like you wanted to rot there. You left me in every way that counted. Am I supposed to wait forever?"

He fell to panting, wishing he could say the rest, could admit the truth. He'd wanted trust, or so he told himself, but such a gift could never be taken, only offered. It had been fear that drove him, not fear of losing Heero but fear of being alone. With only the screaming inside his own head to keep him company, with only the memories of the things he'd seen and the things he'd done...

"You're right."

Heero spoke softly, almost kindly. Duo shook his head on reflex, flinching back from Heero's gentling hand. "I can't expect you to wait forever. I never meant to ask you to. And maybe I'll never be ready on my own...but that's the only way it can count. The only way it can be real."

Now Duo nodded until his braid bounced against his spine, grasping hard after the absolution that Heero seemed to dangle just out of reach. "I get it, I do, we'll go as slow as you need, whatever you need. I'm so sorry, Heero, but it'll be different, I swear it will..."

"No."

The pity was gone, and all that was left was the soldier. Heero's eyes were blue and cold, mocking Duo with their empty sincerity.

"No. This is a lie, and I know you hate lying. I can't be what you need. I see that now.

"It's over."

Hours later and alone, the beauty of the broken shackles brought tears to the eyes of the boy that didn't cry.