A/N: Spoilers if you don't read manga. This story takes place after Hueco Mundo but doesn't reference the Fullbring Arc. I'm putting their age at 18+. I did take some liberties with the deal around Ichigo's power. *shrugs* This is a fun, slightly OOC, slightly crack fic meant to make you laugh. Rated M for language, sexual references, and sexual situations in later chapters. I hope you enjoy.
Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach nor am I Tite Kubo but sometimes I dress like him to freak people out.
It Always Starts with a Plan
It was a beautiful day in the Seireitei, but then it was always a beautiful day in the Seireitei. The sun was shining, birds were chirping, a gentle breeze was blowing and one extremely sharp-eyed 11th Division fuku-taichou who was watching for koi in the 6th Division taichou's pond.
"Nii-sama will surely notice if you abduct any more of his koi Yachiru", Rukia mentioned casually. "You've already taken four of them for Ukitake-taichou".
Rukia knew if she didn't make a big deal about it that Yachiru would find something new to interest her. In addition, Rangiku had made some very vague reference about not having Yachiru at today's meeting. Rukia knew that some of the topics that Rangiku brought up really were quite inappropriate for Yachiru but when the Rangiku got on a roll she was hard to bring under control. She was also a riot to listen to as long as you weren't her target. Kenpachi wasn't thrilled with some of Rangiku's subject matter either ever since Yachiru asked him what a personal massager was and demanded one of her own. She hounded him all around Soul Society for two days until he told her it was your very own masseuse who would give you a massage whenever you want and she could not have one since her Kenny would just end up killing him. When he complained to Hitsugaya-taichou, who really didn't care, Hitsugaya invited Kenpachi to fight Matsumoto and end all the constant complaining. Unfortunately Kenpachi thought that a waste of his time and was really just looking for Hitsugaya to muzzle Rangiku. As Kenpachi was leaving, he swore he heard Hitsugaya mutter,
"Be my guest".
Rukia shook her head in silent laughter. Getting back to the matter at hand since Nii-sama would no doubt blame her if Yachiru "adopted" more of his koi, she decided to bait the hook and kill two birds with one stone.
"Ikkaku told me that Kurotsuchi-taichou found a hollow puppy in Hueco Mundo that they are done testing. Maybe Zaracki-taichou can get it for you. You could keep it as a pet."
"That would wonderful Bumpies! This week's meeting of the Shinagami Women's Association is now called to order. Talk about whatever you want", cried Yachiru as she got down from her chair and took off in a cloud of dust.
"Bumpies?"
Rangiku, a big smirk plastered across her face, looked around the table. Nanao, Nemu, Isane, and Unohana-taichou were all doing very well holding in their laughter.
"Yachiru has decided that since she calls me Boobies and Orihime Jiggles that she is going to call you B-Bumpies because, w-well, you know R-Rukia, that is what you have". Rangiku managed to get this choked out before succumbing to the laughing fit she could no longer hold in.
"But hey, if Renji doesn't have a problem with it then nobody else should either".
Rukia's face turned several interesting shades of color. It started with pink, then red, and then a light purple as embarassment overwhelmed her. Gazing down at her chest Isane could faintly hear her softly say, "Bumpies, seriously?"
"Rangiku! You are embarrassing Rukia-chan. Why don't you tell us about the new business you have", said the fuku-taichou of the 4th Division whose face was turning also pink as she snuck glances at her own chest. Truth be told, she didn't want to end up with a nickname like that. How embarrassing.
"Well, since one of the missions of the Shinigami Women's Association is to help women, I have a woman that needs our help in a dire way", Rangiku stood and proclaimed dramatically. "This woman needs our help, all of our help, or she may never live the gratifying and fulfilling life she so obviously is meant to live."
This statement brought all sorts of commotion from everybody. They were very commited to helping any of their Shinigami sisters. One of the by-products of this club was how close many of the women had gotten with each other. Because of the closer relationships there was a lot of grumbling from the taichou's and fuku-taichou's that the SWA,as it normally went by, was just some girls club that got together for an afternoon and gossiped about what was going on in the Soul Society (and Karakura Town). The women knew the guys were jealous that their budget was so much higher - thank you Nanao. They also knew that they had a way of getting information the men just didn't have. For instance, Shuhei Hisagi was regularly "sneaking out" to Karakura Town until somebody from the SWA found out and accidentally let it slip in at a fuku-taichou meeting. The next thing you knew half the people in Soul Society, the Rukongai, and Karakura Town knew about it. Thankfully, the important people that could get him in trouble hadn't figured it out yet. Nobody had found out what he was doing there yet but good money was on the SWA getting the answers. 11th Division had started a formal betting pool on what Hisagi was doing and who was going to figure it out. Or how about the fact that Marechiyo Omaeda, 2nd Division fuku-taichou, was trying to start some import/export candy and sweets business with Uraharu in the Rukongai.
What most people did not know was that the Shinigami Women's Association did one thing very, very well. They took care of their own. They would stand by each other through thick, thin, and help each other out. No matter what. Day or night. Even if that help wasn't asked for... at all... even if it never occurred to that person that they had a problem or should ask for help.
Rukia narrowed her eyes at Rangiku and waited for her to get to the real reason she wanted to go to Karakura Town. Knowing Rangiku as well as she did and putting some puzzle pieces togerther she had a good idea where Rangiku was headed with this. Rukia sat back with a small, pleased smile. This was going to be an excellent weekend all around.
"I propose we have a Girl's Night Out in the World of the Living this Saturday", Rangiku exclaimed throwing her arms out with a flourish. "We deserve a night out on the town. We've been working awfully hard and really if I have to listen to Hitsugaya-taichou tell me to do anymore paperwork I might just scream".
"Why can't we just do something here in Soul Society Rangiku? There are so many people there and we have to get a gigai and I never know if Urahura-san is kidding or serious when he talks to me," said Isane. "We could have a sleepover or something at my place".
Isane hadn't been in Karakura Town very often and was very happy to stay in her comfort zone. Hueco Mundo had been enough for her thank you very much. Too many people, strange things, strange foods, and she always thought it was harder to talk to humans than Soul Reapers.
Rangiku shook her head and smiled. Poor Isane. She is now number two on the list of friends she was going to help tap into their sexuality or have a guy tap their ass or however it worked out. Maybe she could test her incredible shojo powers and get both of taken care of this weekend. Mmmm, maybe Ikkaku or Yumichika would take a bet on just how awesome she was. Double or nothing if she got Isane hooked up with….
"Karakura Town? It's about damn time I get to go somewhere. I never get to do anything fun and I'm sick of all these damn men here. I'm in, " blurted Nanao. Her cheeks pinked at her outburst. She normally would stay composed and dignified but lately she had too much going on in her life. The thought of a day or two in the World of the Living sounded like heaven to her. No Soul Reapers there, especially annoying ones who wore pink and couldn't shit or get off the pot.
Rangiku turned to Nanao inteding to make a comment when her eyes came to rest on the sliding screen door that led into the Kuchiki manor. For a split second she swore she saw the windflower silk of the scarf that he wore...
"Rangiku, are you still with us? Why do you want to go to Karakura Town this weekend? Should I take a guess? Are you thinking about a guy again?" Rukia yelled.
Rangiku instantly composed herself and turned to Rukia with a brilliant smile. "Rukia, you know exactly why we need to go to Karakura Town this weekend. Our honorary member, Orihime Inoue, who literally went to hell, through hell and came back from hell is finally dating the man of her dreams."
"Now Orihime truly needs our help. She needs our love and guidance in getting laid, properly. She probably wants to make love but I think she needs to get laid. Actually, I think she need to get fu … Anyhow since Unohana-taichou is here I'll just move on with the plan I've come up with but make sure you let me know if you have any suggestions. We are all in this together ladies!"
The SWA thought this was especially true when it came to the opposite sex. Rangiku knew that when it came to dealing with women, some of the opposite sex need some guidance. Some were riding the short bus, licking the windows, AND just staring at their zanpaku-to. Some had to be taught how to use their zanpaku-to like the wonderful weapon is was; not like those wind up childrens toys that hopped all around willy-nilly until they ran out of steam. All she could do was to help the friends she cared for so dearly. Whether it was helping Nemu conceal the fact she was going behind her scary/freaky taichou-father's back to date Uryu Ishida or making sure the very yummy Kuchiki-taichou (I have got to stop thinking that stuff!) didn't find out that Rukia and Renji had been dating pretty seriously for a while now or telling Nanao to grow a backbone about her relationship with Kyoraku-taichou.
"We're just going to give Orihime a little push is that it? You're not going to get us in trouble or anything are you?" asked Nanao.
Isane looked up wanting to know the answer too. She really didn't want to go but she didn't want to abandon Orihime if she needed her either.
Rangiku looked Nanao straight in the eye and laughed. "What trouble could a few women possibly get into?"
Unohana-taichou had been sitting quietly through all of this just listening. She had gotten to know Orihime fairly well over time and quite liked the intelligent, bubbly young woman. She also greatly respected her talents as a healer. However, she knew that there was a wonderful childlike quality to Orihime that was rare in humans this age and she could be quite shy at times. She knew while Rangiku cared very much for her friend she could be a little overzealous and more that a little inappropriate. Whatsmore, Rangiku and alcohol never mixed well. She leaned over to Isane.
"Would you please go to Karakura Town with the rest of the girls just to keep an eye on everybody, but especially Orihime? Rangiku can get a little excited and I just want to make sure everybody has a nice time and is safe".
Isane audibly gulped and said "Yes, ma'am" and thought I better still be a fukutaichou when we get back or I'm going to kill Rangiku. However, maybe I can go to one of those lingerie stores and get a padded bra.
After the meeting as Rangiku was hurrying back to the 10th Division she thought about the upcoming weekend. " A little push? How about a giant kick in the ass with a twist of lime."
Orihime opened the door to her apartment exhausted. She dumped her books on the dining room table and set her take out down, feeling only a twinge of guilt for not cooking. Between work and classes at the community college, she had been burning the candle at both ends for quite a while now. She hadn't even talked to Tatuski in the past couple days. She couldn't wait for the upcoming week off for herself and especially to see Ichigo. It had been just over a year that they had been formally dating. They had actually spent all their time together after Hueco Mundo. Ichigo spent months helping Orihime deal with her nightmares and terrors. Orihime, in turn, helped Ichigo work through his feelings about his father, Isshin being a Soul Reaper and the feelings he had about Aizen and Ichimaru. In time they realized that they had developed a bond that was unlike anything they had experienced before. The love, desire, and fierce protectiveness they both felt for each other finally was brought into the open.
After the graduation Ichigo went to school in Tokyo but with their undying commitment to each other and an abundance of phone calls they've toughed it out. Orihime did a happy dance as she straightened up in the kitchen. She was going to see Ichigo this weekend. She just couldn't wait to see him. She loved him more now than ever. Absence really does make the heart grow fonder. Plus other parts. She immediately blushed beet red even though nobody could see her.
If Orihime had one complaint, it was their love life. No, no, no. Not a complaint. I am so grateful, it's just that... It had taken Ichigo forever to finally make love and even at that, he would just never let loose. He was kind and gentle which she appreciated. She really did but once in a while she just wanted to break through that control. It certainly didn't help that she wasn't exactly a go-getter in the bedroom and that few times she tried to talk about it she blushed and stumbled over her words so badly that she made herself sick. Rangiku had books and DVD's for her to read but she was too scared too. She also knew that if Ichigo ever heard the words Rangiku and sex he turned blazing red and couldn't speak properly anymore. So she had just put it out of her mind and went along with whatever Ichigo wanted. Although that sounded kind of wimpy didn't it?
'Ughh, this is what they mean about growing a set of balls", she groaned. Then she giggled as she imagined herself with a set of balls and how uncomfortable they would be. How would my panties fit? What would Ichigo think? I really don't think he'd be happy.
She noticed she had a voicemail so picked up her phone to listen. Her eyes got wider and wider the longer it went on. Tatuski? Out? Dancing? She hung up the phone and did another happy dance. Tatuski got everybody together for a Girl's Night with Rukia, Rangiku, Nemu, Nanao, Isane, Tatuski, and surprisingly Chizuru on Friday night. Wow! That was going to be great. Plus since Ichigo wasn't coming in until Saturday it wouldn't be a was so excited to see all of her friends together to go out. It had been so long since she had seen all of her friends. Especially her Soul Society friends.
Orihime yawned and streched. She really needed get more sleep. Between shifts at little neighborhood bakery she worked at, the community college she attended to be a pastry chef and still helping Uryu and Chad with the occasional Hollow she was wiped out. Orihime got her pajamas on and crawled into bed with a big yawn. Oh well, they probably would have dinner and only stay out for a little bit on Friday. She could get to bed early, maybe by 10:00. It wasn't as if she'd ever really gone out before on the town before. Could anyone imagine me, Inoue Orihime, out partying? She giggled and yawned again. Only if the little blue men came and got her.
As sleep was claiming her she had a fleeting thought that she wouldn't remember in the morning. How did Tatuski contact Rukia and Rangiku to invite them out?