The Case Of Lemony Hope
Waves crashed noisily. The wind hurled, as if coming for a vengeance, and yet as she stood on the wooden dock Sara couldn't feel anything but this numbness biting mercilessly inside. She wrapped the blanket around her shoulders a little more tightly just for the sake of moving, not because she felt cold or anything.
One month. Thirty days had passed since that dreaded day but she still felt so empty, so aching all over. She'd taken the last of the medication the doctor had given her last week, her physical pain had disappeared long before that, but something still felt very wrong, very unacceptable.
She knew all about the five stages of grieving, but she had no idea where she was at right now. She was angry, depressed, in denial, and in the bargaining stage all at once. She wanted things to be undone, she needed something to blame. She felt the need to hurl down at someone yet she felt so helpless, so weak.
Losing wasn't really a thing Sara Sidle was unfamiliar with. She had lost so many things in the course of her life but this was different. This time, she felt like a big chunk of herself had disappeared too, and it hurt so much that she spent each day begging for the pain to just consume her whole.
The Gods were not among the things she rested her faith on but if they did exist she would give her all to fight them for another chance to hold him. And if fighting wouldn't do it, she would beg on her knees until they gave him back in her care.
He was hers to claim. She felt his presence even without actually holding him but in a cruel twist of fate she had had to bid goodbye without even seeing him first.
The wind's blow was getting stronger and stronger but to Sara, it barely scrapped the surface of her feelings. She looked up at the moon that seemed so uncaringly bright. The sadness wrenching inside threatened to suffocate her and she was about to scream the pain out when fingers touched her wrist, warmth enveloped her back.
"Let's go inside." An arm around her shoulders, a wan smile on such a loving face, and a kiss on her forehead all materialized at once, tugging her back to here and now. "It's so cold here."
She let him guide her across the dock to the sandy shore. When they were about to enter the beach house his thumbs went across her cheeks, wiping her tears away.
"I'm sorry Gil."
He said nothing.
The next afternoon Sara woke up from an uncomfortable nap to an empty cabin. He was neither in the kitchen nor the living area so she searched outside and stopped at the veranda.
Gil Grissom was kneeling on the beach by the hammock talking animatedly with the little girl from next door.
It tugged at her aching heart, the sight. It could have been their boy, talking to him about dinosaurs or a broken tow truck toy one sunny afternoon. Now their boy was barely a faded dreamshe desperately wished would become reality.
She went back to their room. Back to square one where she reevaluated every little thing she had done in those beautiful eighteen weeks, trying to find the exact point where she had made the mistake that had cost their baby's life.
When Gil came back some hours later, she was in tears again. He wrapped her in an embrace before she even had the chance to utter another apology.
"I'm sorry Sara."
"It's all good. Your uterus is clean and back to its normal size now." The doctor in a tight pony tail and white lab coat pointed to the image on the monitor.
To Sara's eyes the ultrasound showed nothing but black, white and gray. No more distinct features of her baby in the middle of the picture. No more little source of excitement and utter happiness.
"I suggest you wait for another month or two before trying to conceive again."
Sara made a sound between laughter and a sob at the doctor's words. Had the good doctor forgotten that it had taken Gil and Sara almost two years of trying before she got pregnant? Didn't their doctor keep a record ofthe many therapy sessions and the amount of medication the couple had taken just to have one chance at pregnancy?
Trying to conceive again? How could the doctor word it so simply like it was just a magical process implying both no effort and zero feeling?
"I'm sorry it didn't work, Sara, Gil. Be strong, there's always another chance." The doctor put an end to their appointment some ten minutes later. Sara just walked out of the door with no words,leaving Gil to deal with pleasantries.
She didn't even know if she actually wanted to try again.
Gil drove to town on Monday, saying he needed to do some shopping.
Monday wasn't their usual shopping day, Thursday was, but Sara was too invested on gazing at the wooden fan hanging from the bedroom ceiling to make a comment on it.
He came back after three hours, only to stay in the study until night whisked daylight away.
Sara could no longer gaze at the ceiling without getting up to turn on the light so she flicked the switch, stepped to the bathroom, and turned the shower on at a possibly scalding temperature.
The water burned her scalp and the skin of her bare back but she didn't even flinch,
She felt his presence long before his skin came in contact with hers. He held her from behind and kissed her cheek under the spraying water.
"Have mercy on this old man's skin." He turned the knob of the shower and the water went from hot to warm right before he spun her around and hugged her tighter. His belly pressed against hers and Sara recalled when she had teased him for looking more pregnant than his pregnant wife.
They were wet and sad and mourned together just like the day after she had been released from the hospital. Water ran from his chin to her hair and cascaded down to their entwined legs.
"Sara. Can we try to move on please?"
She wanted to but she couldn't. How could she? She had wanted their baby so much.
"I can't forget Gil. I can't."
"Then don't forget. Remember the good times."
"The good times?" She gaped; suddenly felt the air vanish from the bathroom.
She couldn't remember anything but blood staining her underwear, the gripping cramp, the fearful trip to the hospital, the cold feeling of stirrups, the darkness enveloping her as she was being sedated for a D&C, all of those terrifying things that brought nothing but tears to her eyes.
She hyperventilated.
"Slowly, step at a time." He held her closer and she shook like a leaf in his arms.
"I'm sorry Gil. I can't forget." She closed her eyes. The image was getting blurrier each time but she still saw herself swaying with a baby bundled in her arms."I don't want to. I-"
"It's okay." He silenced her with a gentle kiss.
Gil went out again, he did that a lot lately, and when Sara got into the study to fetch their iPad there was this new file holder on his desk.
It was pink, a color that didn't fit the Grissoms at all. On its glossy surface were two post-its, one with Grissom's distinct handwriting, the other had purple crayon stroke of words she could barely decipher.
The Grissoms' Case 001.
Lemony Hope.
Lemony hope? Sara opened the file holder and saw a picture of a Chihuahua and more crayon strokes and post-its.
She closed the file after seeing the first page. These days, curiosity was her virtue no more.
When she got to the veranda with a mug of hot coffee, the neighbor's girl was already there. Wearing pigtails and a bright pink padded jacket over a green shirt and blue leggings, the girl looked up at Sara and smiled a wide one.
"Is Gilbert at home?" She could barely pronounce the "L" and the "R" in Gilbert.
"Gilbert?" Sara couldn't remember someone else's calling her husband Gilbert. "Oh. He's out. Grocery shopping."
Disappointment was clear on the girl's face. Sara had no idea what to do with such expression so she just stared down at her mug of coffee.
"Is that hot cocoa?"
"No. It's coffee."
"I'm six. I'm not allowed to drink coffee. Do you have cocoa?"
She didn't know what they got stored in the kitchen cabinets or the fridge, Gil was in charge of commodities.
"Milk is okay too. With cookies if you have any."
Sara nodded, finally understood where the seemingly one-sided conversation was leading to.
"I'll go check." Setting her mug on the table made of coconut trunk in the veranda, she told the girl to wait before getting back into the house.
When she came back, the girl was singing something while facing the beach. Her pigtails swished as her head went from side to side.
Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream.
Merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream.
Life is but a dream? Sara pondered inside. If life was just a dream, she would never wake up from this nightmare. If life was just a dream, she would forever see her son in her arms without actually having him.
How unfair is that?
How cruel is reality?
"Yay! You've got milk." The girl turned around, bouncing and clapping as if the presence of a glass of milk was her biggest dream ever.
It was almost too much color and happiness for Sara to bear at the moment.
"No cookies, just crackers." She gave a wry smile. " My apology." She then set a tall glass filled to the brim and a pack of Pepperidge Farm Goldfish on the table. She didn't know they had such snack in the kitchen and had a suspicion that Grissom actually bought the crackers solely for the girl in front of her.
They stayed silent for a while. Sara sipped coffee from her mug while the girl ate the crackers and drank the milk in such carefree manner only a little kid had.
"Why are you sad?" The girl set her empty glass down and stared at Sara.
"Sad?"
As if Sara's sadness was a fact known to the whole world, the girl nodded, patting Sara's hand.
"I lost something."
"Me too."
"Huh?"
"I lost my dog. But Gilbert promised me he'll find her back."
"I see."
"You should ask Gilbert to find your dog too."
Sara could only nod.
"Don't be sad. Gilbert can find anything. Daddy said Gilbert is a policeman."
She nodded again, and then saw Grissom walking toward the house with two other people she recognized as their neighbors. "Gilbert and your parents are here."
The little girl turned around, climbing down the chair only to clap gleefully before hurling herself down the stairs into her father's arms. Once her father let go, her attention was drawn to her mother and a loving kiss was shared. Then she squealed so loud Sara felt the urge to cover her ears.
"Lemony Hope!" The girl bounced around Grissom, arms stretched up reaching for something in his grasp.
Then Sara noticed it, the dog in Grissom's arms. A Chihuahua yapped as loud as the bouncing little girl. The dog wriggled free from Grissom's hold, jumping into the girl's arms. And just like a happy Christmas movie the girl twirled around and gave the little canine a shower of kisses.
Sara observed over her cup of coffee as the three adults and the little girl talked for a moment before their neighbors left. They waved goodbye at Sara and Sara waved back hesitantly. A few steps forward and the girl turned back, half running to reach the first flight of the stairs.
"See. Gilbert found my dog." She held the dog up and Sara noticed the mini wheels in the places where there were supposed to be back legs. "Lemony hope was actually sick and got treated in hospital, not lost."
"Oh."
"Ask Gilbert to find your dog too, okay? Stop being sad."
"Okay."
The girl turned around. Sara's eyes met Grissom's as the latter gave the girl a pat on the head and bid her goodbye.
He smiled wanly at Sara, yet his eyes somehow shone brightly.
She wondered if someday Grissom's eyes would shine as brightly at the sight of his own child.
"Wait!" There was an unfamiliar urge pushing through her and Sara had no idea how to contain it. "Wait, little girl. What's your name?"
"I'm Sarah." She was already running for her parents.
"Sara?"
The girl's little feet stopped as she turned around once more, one hand held the dog while the other made a makeshift cone over her mouth."No. Sarah! With an H."
"See you later, Sarah. I'm Sara, with no H."
"See you later."
The girl waved before dashing off again and Sara slumped back on her chair. All the yelling and talking to a stranger had drained her, even if said stranger was only a little girl.
"You okay?" She felt Grissom's hand on her shoulder. "Sarah asked me to investigate the missing of her Chihuahua, Lemony Hope. Quite a name for a dog huh?"
Sara nodded, leaning onto his belly, and sighed as he drew her into a hug.
"The Dad ran over the poor fella while backing his car. The Gellars hid the incident from Sarah." He grinned down at her."My first solved case after five years. Are you sure you are okay?"
She stood up and, for the first time since what seemed like forever, found it in her to smile again. "I will be. Let's get inside. I haven't taken a bath."
He smiled too, leading her by the small of her back.
"Gilbert. She calls you Gilbert."
"Cute huh?"
"Gilbert?"
"Yes?"
"I want to try again."
"Me too."
END
Author's Note :
I'm bidding goodbye with this simple piece. I've met many kind writers/readers in this site, from which I've learned a lot during my short stay in this fandom. Let's hope to meet again somehow, in time when writing/reading is the only beautiful thing hiding us from this not-so-friendly real life.
Thank you so much, everyone.
Also, to SylvieT (Happy early birthday, Sensei) and JellybeanChichi, have fun. ^^