GLEE - ALONG A KNIFE'S EDGE
Disclaimer: I own nothing except this Storyline and plot. Glee (TV Series), Goodbye - I'm Sorry (Jamestown Story song), Glee Fan Trailers on Youtube, All Music mentioned all belong to their respective labels and what not.
Rating: M
Warning: Scenes of Bullying, Violence, Suicide Attempt, Depression, and Language. Do Not Read if you're easily offended. TRIGGERS: Please, if anything in this story will trigger you, please do NOT read it. It is rather dark.
Genre: Drama, Angst
Era: AU WMHS
Notes: This will be a Two-Shot. I had this stuck in my head and felt the need to write it out as I'm in between my other stories and trying to finish them.
Some things in Season One and Two happened but NOT everything.
It wasn't like loneliness was a foreign thing to one Rachel Barbra Berry, no, it wasn't a foreign thing at all. But it still hurt.
It hurt that no matter what she tried she was belittled, it hurt that even if she was pulling back from singing in Glee, people in the club still treated her like crap. It hurt that those she thought of as friends left her all alone especially when she needed someone.
It hurt, everything just hurts.
It hurt so much that she began to spiral into depression, the demon voice in her head telling her that no matter what she did she'd always be a reject, that no matter what she did she'd always be alone, that no matter what she tried no one would ever love her because let's face it, what was there to love?
Her fathers were away again as they always were, in fact Rachel hadn't seen them in months. She had hoped that this year they'd be back for her birthday this year but it looked like they'd miss out on her birthday again.
'It's okay,' she had thought to herself, 'It's not like I've never been alone before,'
School wasn't any much better, she was always alone there. Picked on, made fun of, slushied. Even the Glee Club made fun of her. Mr Schuester didn't seem interested in helping her either as he was always silent on that front. God forbid though if she stuck up for herself and argued back against anyone then, THEN it was her being a bully or a bitch or a self centred diva. Even now as she had drawn back and swayed in the background she was still accused of being self centred and a diva.
Rachel was starting to give up.
'What is the point of staying alive anyway?' the demon voice would say in her head, 'No one notices and no one cares, it's not like anyone would miss you if you were gone,'
The bitterness and anger in her life had lead her to the knife. But Rachel was smart, oh yes, was she smart. At least in her opinion. She wasn't going to cut in places where people could see, like her wrists, she'd do it in places where no one would ever see because who would ever want to see her with nothing on. So she cut, she cut on her shoulders and she'd cut on her stomach. And as she bled a bit and felt the blood slowly trickle out of her body she felt a bit better.
"God, what the hell is going on with you Yentl?" Santana had growled at her one day during Glee, "You think that just because you're giving up solos and all that shit that we're actually going to pay attention to you and want to be your friend? Well think again,"
Rachel didn't say anything as she looked at the floor.
"Hey, she's talking to you, you should answer when spoken to," Quinn said though there was a lack of bite in it, not that anyone really noticed.
Still Rachel said nothing.
"Well, at least you're listening to us and shutting your useless trap," Mercedes said as almost everyone nodded their heads at that.
Rachel just sighed internally as the voice said to her again, 'I told you that no one cares that you're trying,'
"You think you'd also listen to us when we told you to buy NEW clothes that don't make you look like a giant toddler or as Santana once said, like one of the bait girls on 'To Catch A Predator'," Kurt added.
Still Rachel said nothing, the floor seemed far too interesting to her at this point in time.
"Oi, Berry," Puck said as he threw some scrunched up paper at her to try and get her attention.
And even though Rachel felt the paper hit her in the face causing everyone to laugh at her, she still said nothing. There was nothing left to say.
"Rachel, can you please stop being a drama queen and start being a team player?" Mr Schuester said in annoyance, "You have contributed nothing at all in recent Glee lessons,"
Rachel didn't bother looking up and she didn't bother saying anything. All she could think of right now was how much she needed that knife edge to run across her skin.
"You know if you don't contribute then there's no point in you being in the club," Mr Schuester started only to be cut off by the most unlikely person.
"Well that's a bit crap," Quinn said.
"Quinn?"
"No one else contributes either, hell when was the last time any of us really contributed anything, at least Berry tried until you shut her out,"
"I do not..."
"Uh, yeah, you do, when she suggested that we do originals you only went with it because everyone else said yes, when we needed a set list she was the only one to anything, it's supposed to be you doing it, Mercedes has never contributed any songs, nor have I, or Finn and he's supposed to be co-captain,"
Finn squirmed a bit, he didn't like the idea of having to do any thinking at all.
"Quinn, you will not speak to me like that, now Rachel needs to contribute," Mr Schuester said.
Quinn felt anger course through her veins at that dismissal and Rachel, well, Rachel was slightly surprised at that. But she didn't show it.
As Glee ended and everyone filed out Rachel just sat there and played with her fingers, thinking. She'd be seventeen tomorrow, but then again what would that matter, no one wanted her around anyway and no one cared.
She sighed as she got up and hummed a song to herself as she walked through what she thought were empty halls, unaware that someone was following her and listening to her.
"I'm sorry, but this is my fate,
Everything is worthless, no one who wants me to stay
And I'm sorry, but I've waited too long,
So here's my goodbye, no one will cry over me,
I'm not worth any tears," she sung quietly to herself and even though she sung the lyrics out of order, for once she didn't care, "Time has run out for me,
everything's distant and I don't know what to believe
It's so hard, lost in the world's confusion and I need to leave for awhile,
Life is so meaningless
There is nothing worth a smile,"
The figure behind her had paused as they watched Rachel put her hands to her head, almost as if the brunette was trying to cast something out.
"Please leave me alone, someone wants me, someone will want me," she muttered to herself, "I'm not alone, I'm...I, I do have someone, I do, I just have to find them,"
'But you're wrong,' the voice had said in her head, 'If no one could see your pain when your mother rejected you, what makes you think they'd see anything now?'
"I...," Rachel said as she paused close to the school doors before turning to the auditorium and walking onto the stage. Still unaware that someone was still following her.
'The stage, oh isn't it grand? But what does it matter, you're not going to be a star, if you can't even be liked in High School, what makes you think anyone would like you in the real world?' the voice asked.
Rachel had tears fall down her face at that, "One more day, give me one more day,"
'Why? Because it's your birthday?' the voice asked.
"Yes, maybe, just maybe it'll be different tomorrow,"
'You know it won't be, you should start saying goodbye,'
Rachel looked up at the empty chairs of the auditorium, she tried to imagine that there'd be people sat there but all she could see now were empty chairs, nothing but empty chairs to show her how alone in the world she really was as she began to sing part of the song,
"Time has run out for me, everything's distant and I don't know what to believe
It's so hard, lost in the world's confusion and I need to leave for awhile,
Life is so meaningless
There is nothing worth a smile,
I'm sorry, but this is my fate,
Everything is worthless, no one who wants me to stay
And I'm sorry, but I've waited too long,
So here's my goodbye, no one will cry over me,
I'm not worth any tears,"
'Are you seeing it now? How no one wants you? Your fathers are never around anymore, it's going on a few years now isn't it? School peers, again, no one wants you, the clubs only put up with you for their numbers sake, hell, you're not even the voice anymore in Glee, what exactly are you doing here? I mean your mother didn't want you, no one wants you, you really need to stop trying, die, disappear...no one...,' the voice started.
"...no one would notice anyway," Rachel finished in a tearful sigh as she wiped them and nodded her head to herself, "One more day, it will be different tomorrow,"
'If you say so,' the voice said to her.
But the next day wasn't any different. The first thing Rachel was greeted with was a slushy to her face, two actually, and just as she thought it was done for now, someone shoved her into her locker making her fall to the ground as another slushy was dumped on her head.
"LOSER!" someone yelled as everyone laughed, "Courtesy of Glee Club,"
"Wait, wait, here's another one," Karofsky laughed as he dumped another slushy on her head, "From the Jocks, oh, and Finn really wanted you to have this one,"
Another slushy, where the hell were all these slushies coming from?
"C'mon man, she's down, let her go," Puck started.
"You sticking up for her now?"
"No, but she's down man, this is pretty shitty even for us, beating on a GIRL who's down,"
"Whatever," Karofsky said as he walked off.
"Wow, rainbow looks good on you," Santana sneered as she spat at the brunette.
Brittany wasn't sure what to do, she couldn't quite voice what she wanted at that time so she said the first thing that popped into her head, though looking back she did cringe at it, "Rainbow is a pretty colour, I like Rainbows,"
And as everyone walked away from her Rachel felt the tears coming, but she didn't let them fall. She needed the knife, she needed it now, but she had left it at home. What was she to do? Perhaps she could open up a couple of the wounds and let it tear a bit more. That would work right?
Rachel sniffed as the bell rang. She picked herself up as she grabbed her slushy kit and went to the bathroom.
As she finished cleaning herself up she tugged and pulled at some of the skin on her stomach hoping to make it bleed, it did and she felt relieve wash over her as it did before she cleaned herself up as she sang quietly again,
"It's been the years of abuse,
Neglected to treat the disorder that controls my youth for so long,
I'm in a fleshy tomb buried up above the ground
It's no use, why should I hold on?
It's been five years, don't need one more
So goodbye, life's abuse," Rachel sang to herself before saying, "You were right,"
'I'm always right,' the voice said back to her.
"If this is what life is like now, what is the point?" Rachel sobbed as she collapsed on the floor and cried.
'There is none,'
"What should I do?"
'Die,'
"When?"
'Whenever, why prolong your suffering here? And hey, if Hell is real, what difference does it make? You're worthless anyway, God would never want you, no one ever wants you, the Devil will just have fun hurting you,'
Rachel pulled her legs up to her chest as she cried.
And then she said to herself, "But Quinn seemed to care, yesterday she seemed to care, right?"
'And? That was one instance, who knows what goes on in that blonde head of hers, she probably wants to hurt you,' the voice countered.
"But it didn't sound like it,"
'You're just saying that because you like her and are desperate for her to like you back that you THINK she was doing it for you, but you know it's not true,'
"But maybe,"
'Don't, don't do this to yourself, why add this suffering too? You know that that's why Finn is even madder at you and spread rumours about you, it's not just because you tried to get back at him for lying with Puck, it's because he knows you like someone else, lucky for you he doesn't realise it's Fabray or you'd be in an even bigger world of hurt when she finds out,'
"I,"
'Give up little Rachel, it's time to give up, you know it's true,'
"But I need more time, the day's not done,"
'If you wish, but you know I'm right, no one loves you and no one cares,'
-page break-
"The hell is Yentl?" Santana asked in class as everyone was settling down.
"She's really hurt," Brittany started.
"Oh please she'll bounce back, it's not like it's the first time this has happened to her,"
"What happened this morning? All I heard were rumours and stuff like that," Quinn asked as she looked at the Latina. She had been in Coach Sue's office talking about the Cheer Routine for the upcoming National Championship that she wasn't there when everything happened.
"Oh get this Q, it's so funny and it's a pity you weren't there, the jocks slushied her, said it was from Glee, the Jocks, OH, and especially Finn,"
"And then Sanny spat at her," Brittany said somewhat sadly, "After Tracy pushed her into the locker and watched her fall down, and then someone else poured another slushy on her head,"
"Why would you do that?" Quinn asked glaring at the Latina.
"Because it's funny, it's not like she'll give a damn anyway, she always bounces back," Santana said her hands held up.
"It's not funny anymore Santana, it's pathetic," Quinn gritted out at her.
"The hell crawled up your ass and died?"
"You have to stop it,"
"And who's going to make me? You?"
"If I have to,"
"Bring it,"
"Guys, stop it," Brittany said as the two stopped and carried on with their class work.
"It's not funny anymore Santana," Quinn gritted through her.
But before the Latina could say anything the teacher had walked in and nothing else could be said.
-page break-
In Glee Rachel never showed in the end. Puck frowned, Quinn was worried, and Brittany was left wondering why.
When Mr Schuester showed up and still no Rachel, Quinn felt her heart race. What she heard yesterday in the auditorium scared her, she had never heard Rachel sing something like that before and the brunette never sung anything without reason.
"So, Nationals today," Mr Schuester said as he clapped his hands together, "The main solo is going to Rachel,"
"Hell to the NO," Mercedes started, "If that half pint can't even show up to Glee Club she shouldn't get it at all,"
"Oh, I thought she was here," Mr Schuester said as he surveyed the class only to see that the brunette wasn't there.
"It's not like she sings anymore anyway, we don't need her," Santana said as a couple of people agreed.
"Well, " Mr Schuester started.
"Are we going to sing for her?" Brittany asked suddenly making everyone look at her and wonder why she asked that out of the blue.
"Why?" Santana asked.
"Because she's really, really, sad, she's been sad for a very long time, but no one would listen to me," Brittany answered, "And today's her birthday, are we going to sing for her birthday?"
"Birthday?" Puck gaped as he ran his hand through his Mohawk and berated himself for forgetting. Birthday's were always a big deal for Rachel as far as he remembered but he realised that in recent years she had stopped bothering with telling anyone that her birthday was coming up.
"Who gives a shit if it's her birthday?" Santana asked.
"I don't," Mercedes said, "Hell, I was her Secret Santa this year and I didn't bother getting her anything,"
"To be fair you're not the only one who wouldn't have," Artie said.
"Neither, how'd you know it was her birthday today anyway?" Kurt asked Brittany.
"She told us a couple of years ago about her birthday party but no one went," Brittany said, "That made her sad,"
"Who the hell would want to celebrate another year of her being alive?" Santana grumbled, "No one cares about her anyway,"
"That is true, did you know her Mom just left her?" Finn added, outing the one thing Rachel didn't want anyone else to know about.
"What?!" Quinn said sharply as she looked at him in shock.
"Yeah, she told me before we broke up and stuff, she didn't want me to tell anyone but I figured it doesn't matter now right, I mean Shelby just like left her and told her that she was her mother but not her Mom,"
"Oh my god," Quinn said as she turned back and gazed at the board trying to focus herself.
"See, even her Mom didn't want her," Santana started.
"Or her Dads, they're like away a lot," Finn finished.
"Dude, not cool," Puck said to him.
"What?"
"If Berry asked you to not talk about this shit then you shouldn't dude, not cool, it's like the time when you outed Santana this isn't cool,"
"Oh who cares?" Santana asked rhetorically, "No one here cares, I don't think Schue cares since he's kept his trap quiet the entire time,"
"Santana," Mr Schuester started.
"What? Does anyone actually care that she's not here?"
Most of the Glee kids shook their heads as Santana looked at Quinn.
"Q?" Santana started.
"I gotta go," Quinn started as she picked up the pieces.
"Quinn, get back here," Mr Schuester started.
"Oh FUCK OFF," Quinn yelled making him pause at her, "Rachel is NOT okay, she's not, I heard her singing about dying yesterday and I said nothing, I heard her talking to herself about having one more day, I heard her tell herself that no one would notice, and now I figured out what she means,"
"Be that as it may, you still can't talk to me like that,"
"I sure as hell can, you're a lousy teacher with double standards, the fuck she ever do to you but try and help this pathetic little family get better? HUH? Or the elves in your ears filter that out?"
"You'll join me in detention Quinn,"
"No, I won't, goodbye, I'm going to find Rachel,"
As Quinn left the room Artie was the first to speak up, "She seem very out of character to anyone? And did she just call Rachel, Rachel?"
"Yeah, she did," Brittany said as she got up.
"Where you going B?" Santana asked.
"I'm going to help Q find Rachel,"
And with that Brittany too left the room.
-page break-
Rachel had heard them as she had slowly trudged to the Glee room, she had heard them say they didn't care. So she left.
She hummed 'Happy Birthday' to herself as she moved slowly down the hallway.
'So this is my goodbye, no one would cry over me, I'm not worth any tears,' the voice sung in her head.
Rachel never heard Quinn blowing up at Mr Schuester, she never heard the blonde frantically try to find her in the school.
Rachel was just on auto-pilot, she was going home, and she was going to die.
As she drove her car and parked in the empty looking house, Rachel walked into the house and put her things away. She did what she did best, she wrote a note for her fathers to find and she made a video to post to her Social Media pages.
After it was done, Rachel went to have a bath before she donned on her best dress.
She went down to the kitchen and grabbed her best friend, her knife. She let her fingers run along the edge and watched as they bled a bit.
"I'm leaving, so goodbye my friend, at least you were always there for me," Rachel said quietly as she ran the knife up her arm, hissing in pain as she felt the cut go deep.
She barely could do her other arm as felt the blood loss really hit her.
But when she was done she dropped the bloodied knife on the ground and collapsed onto her knees.
"NO!" a voice screamed, but the voice was fading away.
She thought she heard someone break down her front door.
"Private, private property," she gasped as her vision started to turn black.
"Please don't do this to me, please, I'm sorry, please," the soft yet husky voice pleaded with her.
"I'm calling the ambulance Q," another soft voice said.
'Q? Quinn?' was the last thing Rachel thought of as she gave in to the darkness.
AN: The next chapter is coming very shortly as at first I was going to do this as a one-shot but it was a bit too long. So it's now a TWO-Shot.