Chapter 1:

"When you become a ninja, you have to learn to kill." Iruka said to the class.

Naruto smiled. "Ok!" He pulls out a kunai and kills Sasuke.

Sasuke dies and Sakura gets pissed. "WHY NARUTO WHY DID YOU KILL MY SASUKE?"

Suddenly Sasuke comes back alive and gives Naruto a boner.

"What the fuck?" Naruto yelled.

Ino cooed. "OH MY NARUTO YOU ARE SO BIG"

Hinata shook her head. "Actually he's kind of small." She then pulled out her own. You know what.

OMG.

Shikamaru literally flew fifteen feet into the air. He was shocked beyond all repair. But he found a pumpkin on the ceiling.

The only problem is, inside the pumpkin, was Orochimaru. Orochimaru had snuck into the pumpkin two nights ago and had been hiding in it since.

"HAHAHA!" Orochimaru laughed and jumped out of the pumpkin.

Everyone got really scared. Orochimaru began to dance like a maniac.

But then suddenly a squirrel came in and slapped Orochimaru across the face. "Bitch! I own you!"

Orochimaru was pissed as hell. "What the hell you damn squirrel? You can't touch a legendary sannin like me!"

The squirrel began to rapidly transform into a hamster (it's quite a complicated process). The hamster started cackling madly, and then flew into Orochimaru's pants.

"OROO!"

"AHHAHAAHAHAHA YOU GOT TOUCHED BITCH! TOUCHE!"

"Touche?" Naruto asked. "Isn't that a French word that means you got hit?"

Neji smiled. "No naruto it means you're gay as hell you stupid shit."

"Hey that rhymed!" Hinata said. She was still playing with her thing.

Kiba said.

Choji got scared. "Hey Hinata can you not point your thing at me?"

Problem was her thing wasn't even a thing, it was actually a pineapple.

The thing is pineapples are really delicious, there used to be some kind of pineapple kingdom where a lot of pineapples got together and started a democracy.

Suddenly they heard a huge yell outside. "OH DAMN ME IM TIRED OF BEING A TOMBOY!" Everyone lookd outside to see who it was.

It was the Hokage and he was singing "Smack dat all o'er the floor smack dat give me some more ~~"

He stopped and started casting a jutsu. "HOKAGE NO JUTSU!"

Everyone was confused. They had never heard of such a jutsu.

Nothing happened. "Ah, Hokage-sama, what is your jutsu supposed to do?" Said Danzo.

Koharu and Homura who accidentally bumped into each other and were making out stopped and said "hey wait we're 12450 years old we shouldn't be doing this!" Then they looked at the Hokage and asked the Hokage the same question.

"Yea Hokage what in the seven seas does that jutsu do?"

The Hokage laughed. "MY JUTSU SAYS YOU SUCK BITCH!"

But the problem was, they really did suck. So the Hokage's jutsu failed. "NOOOOO! I HAVE BEEN DESTROYED BY PEOPLE WHO SUCK TOO MUCH!"

At that moment a nuclear bomb exploded and killed everyone within a 50 mile radius.

-ii-ii-ii-ii-ii-

Fortunately there were still some survivors. Such as Naruto's stupid whiskers and Tsunade's huge knockers.

The knockers and the whiskers looked at each other. "Hey! Everyone's dead! What the hell are we supposed to do now?"

The whiskers smiled. "I got a plan! Let's do it to it!"

The knockers got really scared. "No way! I'm saving my virginity."

"For what?"

"FOR YOUR MOM! YEAAAA."

"wtf."

-ii-ii-ii-ii-ii-

Fortunately for Kishimoto all of his characters were revived because PAINE was nearby! "ULTIMATE REVIVAL JUTSU!"

(yea Kishimoto that's how you save your story from self-imploding... create an absurdedly powerful resurrection technique that pops out of nowhere. That's what Im talking about homeboy :D)

But the problem is everyone lost all of their ninja skills.

The Akatsuki looked at each other. "Well now what do we do? I don't even know how to make a bunshin anymore." Sasori said.

Uchiha Madara sighed. "Well I have always wanted to be a farmer."

Zetsu and Dederaida or whatever the fuck his name is started to eat themselves.

Konan sighed. "Great, Akatsuki now officially sucks ass."