Title: On My Knees

Disclaimer: I don't own anything

Author's note: The quote at the beginning of the chapter is from Green Day'sClosing Time. Any dialogue you recognize is from Departure.

Summary: Five years, and she's still struggling just to survive.

Prologue: Every New Beginning

…every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end…

This is what it feels like when you realize you are a murderer. Your heart stops beating and your lungs start burning and everything seems to go into slow motion and speed up at the same time, and the volume rises and falls like an old out-of-tune radio, while the air thickens and you want to start screaming in horror, but you've forgotten how to make any sound at all.

Alex was crumpling at her feet while Kyle stood in the doorway, confused and unsure, and she thought the world might actually stop spinning.

"Max, stop, it was Tess! Tess killed Alex. She mind-warped Alex and sent him to Las Cruces to decode the book, but he broke out of the mind-warp and she killed him." Liz's words, shouted with fury and fear, echoed in the suddenly silent chamber. The only noise was the whirring of the Granolith, the great machine that had come to life, promising them a way home.

"It's true," Kyle added, his words quieter, but no less furious. "I was there, I witnessed it."

Kyle, I didn't mean… I'm sorry.

Max stared at Kyle, trying to understand his words. Tess was a murderer? That just didn't make sense… how could it… how could she...? "Why didn't you ever say anything?" he demanded, incredulous. All this time searching for Alex's killer and the answer had been right there all along?

"Because she mind-warped me!" Kyle spat. His gaze turned from Max to Tess, and he added viciously, "You lived in my home, you were like my sister."

Max looked at Tess as well. She was staring at Kyle, her mouth partially open as though she wanted to say something else. But the look in her eyes… cold and angry and cruel… "How long?" he asked, gesturing with one hand towards the Granolith's clock.

"About 3 minutes," was Michael's hesitant answer.

"Everyone out," Max ordered tersely. He would get to the bottom of this. He would find out exactly what she had done and why she had done it. He would look this cold-hearted, traitorous liar in the eyes and force her to explain what she had done.

He'd loved her. Not like he loved Liz, but he had loved her. She was the mother of his baby, the woman he was planning on starting a family with. And she…

His fury must have shown clearly on his face, because Michael gave him one look and said worriedly, "Max?"

"Now!" Max spat, and the others left the chamber. Until he stood alone, staring down at the small blonde girl in front of him.

The others scrambled out of the cave. The ground was shaking underneath their feet, the Granolith was humming with a frightening intensity, but Tess was oblivious to all of this as she stared up at Max. He towered over her, eyes filled with a rage so inhuman that her breath caught in her throat and she was afraid, despite herself.

"Did you kill Alex?" Max demanded.

Yes. I tried to save him, I tried, but I couldn't…

The words that came from her mouth weren't hers. They were the words of the monster that had taken over her mind, the enemy that had trapped her within her own body, unable to break free.

"I didn't want to, I wish I hadn't, but I did," she answered, backing away slowly.

"Why?" Max spat.

"Look, Max… the clock's ticking, we don't really have time…"

"Tell me why!" Max ordered, moving towards her so quickly that she almost thought he would attack her.

Because I couldn't stop. Because they had me under their control. I screamed, I begged, I did everything I ever could, but it wasn't enough. I didn't want to kill Alex, but I… I couldn't fight them.

"He would have told you what I did and I couldn't let that happen," she answered.

"So you just, you just killed him?"

No! she screamed within her mind, begging for him to hear her. But the monster spoke, and she was left to watch in helpless horror as her mouth spat out lies.

"I didn't mean to. His brain was just so weakened by the mind-warp and... Look, none of this matters now."

They were still controlling her. Didn't they realize they had lost? Didn't they understand that he wasn't coming with her? Didn't they see the truth?

Let me go. Please, please… just let me go. Don't do this to me.

"Life matters, Tess. My life, your life, his…" Max stared at her, and in his eyes she saw all the disbelieving questions he wanted to ask, all the things he couldn't understand.

The skins, Tess reflected, were brilliant. Even if they had failed, they had still succeeded in so many ways. Maybe they wouldn't get the four royals, but did it matter? They would still have her and her son.

"What matters is going home," she snarled. "But you could never understand that, could you? I might have been able to teach you, but that stupid bitch had you wrapped around her…"

"Don't you ever call her that!"

I didn't. I didn't call her that. Can't you see it's not me? Max, please… help me. Save me. Kill me if you have to, just get me out of this. Don't let them use me.

Months. Months of periodically being controlled. Months of struggling to say what was happening to her. Months of desperately wanting someone, anyone, to come to her rescue. And none of them even noticed that something was wrong.

"See!" Tess retorted, flushing a deep crimson with pure hate. "Look how fast you run to her defense. Why couldn't you ever feel that way about me? I'm your wife, Max. I'm carrying your child!"

Her words, and yet not her words. Her thoughts, and yet not her thoughts. Someone else in her body, someone else controlling her.

"This was all some kind of plan to get pregnant and go home, wasn't it? Home to what, Tess? To Khivar? To our enemies?" Max asked.

His words, and she remembered Alex. His words, and she felt the same eruption in her chest, the same screams of helplessness wanting to tear from her throat. She'd killed Alex. Not in motive, but in every way that actually counts…

She should have been able to save him. She should have been able to fight back. She should have been able ti win.

I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I'm sorry, Alex, I'm so sorry…

"They're not my enemies, Max," she answered. They were so much more than that. They were her nightmares, her deepest fears, her greatest threats. They were the horrors that had haunted every waking moment of the past several months.

"You made a deal with them, with Khivar," Max said bluntly. It wasn't a question. He already knew her, already understood everything about her.

Or, at least, he thought he did.

She would have made a deal, she realized. If it had meant saving Alex, she would have given Khivar anything he wanted. Anything to keep her from becoming a murderer.

"No, Nasedo made a deal, forty years ago," she answered. Again, a lie, but she was not the one speaking.

"What was the deal? Tell me!" Max hissed, moving towards her again. She stepped away, putting more distance between them.

"To return home with your child and deliver the three of you to Khivar."

"And what would happen to us once you delivered us?" She didn't answer Max, and he shook his head, disgusted. "How did I ever fall in love with someone like you? How did I ever marry you?"

Struggling to tell the others what was happening, opening her mouth to spill her secrets before it was too late… and no words coming out.

No, words were coming out. Just not the ones she wanted. Not her words.

"You were different, you were a king. Now you're just a boy," she replied, wondering if it was true. Anything to make him hurt, anything to push him just a little bit further away from her. She still loved him, no matter what, and she hurt the people that she loved. For both their sakes, she had to push him away.

He moved towards her, lifting his hand to her throat. Murder for the murderer. It seemed a just punishment.

Her son kicked.

"You kill me, Max, and you kill our son."

Alex, falling to the floor. Alex, lifeless eyes staring at her from the car as she staged the accident. Alex… dead.

"Go. This isn't over, Tess."

Forgive me.

In space, there is nothing but a great emptiness. There is nothing but a void of darkness that not even the light from the brightest star will ever fully illuminate. In space, there is nothing, no past, no future. Just…

Just now.

Just this one moment, this split-second extended forever into eternity. Just the overwhelming pressure of silence, just the faint echo of light and noise that never reaches anywhere, like the resurfacing resonance of a long-forgotten memory.

"You destroyed my mind. How could you do this to me?"

Just words.

Tess leaned back against the cold, hard metal of the ship, clutching her stomach, trying to soothe her unborn son. She drew a long breath and ran a hand through her hair, trying to control her own erratic breathing.

And she felt it. The slow fading of the presence that had kept her under control for so long. The possession slipped away, leaving her alone in space, suddenly fully aware of what had happened, what she had done. She could see Alex, crying out in pain as he collapsed at her feet. She could see Kyle's horrorstruck expression as he realized what she had done. And she could see Max, livid and terrified and aghast, as he advanced towards her.

It was as though the floodgates had broken and the heavy pool of water in which she had been submerged burst forward, rushing away from her in torrents, spilling across the ground. She had been under their control, and their plan had still failed, and now they'd abandoned her to do what she could with the ruined pieces of her life.

Had she killed Alex?

Max had asked her that.

It was a fair question.

Had she killed Alex?

Not of her own accord. But he was dead and it was by her powers that he had met his end and…

She'd tried to stop, tried to gain control, tried her best to save Alex, but it had been too late and the boy was still dead. And she still remembered every excruciating detail of it.

Had she killed Alex?

In every way that actually mattered…

Yes.

The first shiver ran through her, up her spine. She swallowed the bitter fear that rose in her throat and blinked once or twice, wishing away the tears that threatened to fall. She felt an icy hand grip down on her arm, felt the tug of something pulling at her shoulder, memories she only wanted to forget.

The first time she lost control of her body was in the abandoned building as she knelt on the cold, damp floor. Congresswoman Whitaker loomed over her, tall and fearsome and filled with smirking triumph. I can make you do anything, she had said, and as though to prove her point, she'd forced her own powers into Ava's mind, forced her to her feet, forced her to blast the wall with so much energy that the air crackled and her own body hummed. I can make you kill.

The second time she lost control of her body, it was in the New York sewers, and she was crouching on the dank floor as Lonnie and Rath stood over her, laughing. In the distance, she had heard Max screaming her name, and she had thought of all the people she didn't want to leave behind. Sweetheart, you can scream all you want, nobody's gonna hear you, Lonnie had mocked her, and you ain't ever going to be able to change that.

She'd returned to Roswell and found that Lonnie had been right about one thing; she couldn't tell anyone. Every time she tried, she'd open her mouth, and the words would get stuck, unwilling to come out, and she was left with her mouth hanging open, unable to talk.

It only got worse from there. While the others had discovered the strange girl buried alive who had some bizarre connection to them and to Michael, she'd found herself haunted by a living nightmare she couldn't escape. They'd taken control of her once again, forcing her to mind-warp Alex over and over and over until his brain melted into nothing more than a mass of broken neurons and cells.

She fought, she screamed, she yelled, she clawed, trying in vain to break their control over her mind. She bit back the fear that welled up inside her as she felt Alex slowly fading, struggled to keep the rage at bay when she realized they meant to use her to destroy the others, and concentrated all her might on fighting the battle that she never won.

The last time she'd lost control of her body had been in the safety of her own room, which was no longer safe. She'd mind-warped Alex until there was nothing left to mind-warp, and he fell to the ground while Kyle watched, and she'd realized that everything had been destroyed with the last gasp of breath from Alex's barely parted lips. You'll betray them all, Ava, darling, Nicolas had told her as he forced her to fake the car accident. And she opened her mouth to argue, to tell Max the truth, to beg forgiveness for not being strong enough to stop their enemies, and once again the words would not come. You can't speak if we don't let you.

And they hadn't let her. Hadn't let her do anything of her own accord until she was faced with Liz's accusations and Kyle's bitter fury and Max's utter hatred and everything was lost.

And now she was here.

A twisting of gears, a shattering screech, a blast of noise.

And then she was on Antar.

And Nicolas and Khivar's royal army where there to greet her.

Destiny and fate. They're interesting ideas, when you think about them long enough. If something is fated to happen, can you ever truly take credit for it? Be blamed for it? If it was out of your control, if you really can't choose your own destiny, how can you ever say any of it was your fault?

But, even if you knew it had to happen, even if you knew nothing you did would ever change it, when it does happen, when a body collapses on the floor in front of you, no matter what your head knows, can you ever really convince your heart that it wasn't your fault?

Tess felt the tickling sensation of sweat on her neck, felt the burn of her own lungs as she gasped for air. She was running, her feet stumbling over the ground, hands clenched tightly around her newborn son. Her companion ran a few steps in front of her. He was taller and stronger and faster, and he kept one hand gripped tightly around her arm, practically dragging her behind him. Every time she stumbled, he'd just keep pulling, intent on reaching their destination safely.

At the intersection of two long corridors, the man paused and glanced left and right. They could hear the sounds of battle floating through the heavy walls, the shouts and cries of the wounded, the victorious screams of Khivar's royal army.

"Oh God… they're all going to die," Tess whispered.

Her companion gave her a cold stare. "Of course they're going to die," he snapped. "We're all going to die. We don't matter. Only you do." And he turned right, yanking her into motion once again.

At the end of this corridor was a large set of double doors. Her companion stopped in front of them, glancing over his shoulder through a large set of windows and towards the sound of distant fighting. The acrid smell of smoke was getting closer, filling the air with a heavy haze. In the distant darkness, a sudden flash of light illuminated the scene, the fallen bodies, the wounded fighters.

He turned back to the doors and thrust out his hand. The doors swung open on their own accord, reacting to the power trembling in his fingers. They could see the outlines of the ship, the only one the Resistance had ever managed to gain access to, the one that would carry her far away from this war.

"Go," the man ordered.

Tess shook her head. "I can't just leave you all," she whispered, horrorstruck at the idea of having more lives, more blood, on her hands.

But the man was listening. He had already turned away, and his gaze was now focused on the darkness outside the windows. The soldiers were coming closer, and the rebels could only hold them off for a limited amount of time. The fear that flowed through his veins was coming stronger, he knew soon it would all be over.

How it ended was up to the hybrid standing beside him, staring through the double doors at her only chance of survival, unwilling to leave.

"You must go," he said at last, turning back to her.

"I…"

They heard it then, the sound of footsteps in the hallway just beyond the corner. He knew, the new king knew what they were doing, and he'd sent men after then. It was now or never. He dropped his hands to his side, preparing himself for the upcoming battle, knowing it would be his last.

He did not want to die, but there were things is this world more important than his life. And this, this chance at freedom, this one tiny beating heart residing in the boy clutched tightly in the Queen's arms, this was their only hope. This was something worth dying for.

"If you do not go now, they will capture you, and all our efforts, all our deaths, will be in vain. You did not kill us, your Majesty. Our deaths are not your fault. But if your inability to act causes this to fail… that will be your fault. Do you understand?"

"…yes…"

She'd been to Antar. She'd seen hell.

She'd stood before the throne in chains, and stared at the man who had ruined her life. For the first time since Alex's death, the self-disgust, the grief, and the horror that had plagued her gave way to unadulterated fury and loathing for that man.

Khivar.

They had not expected anyone to find out that she had killed Alex. The plan was to have her bring all four of them back, and no one could have predicted Liz's discoveries or Michael's sudden wish to be with Maria.

But fate has a funny way of ruining everything.

Let the others think her a murderer, let them stay where they could be safe and happy with each other. She looked into the eyes of this man, this king, and knew that somehow, someday, she would destroy him the way he had destroyed her.

She had been thrown into prison to wait out the birth of her son, who Khivar would take and raise as his own. Almost four weeks into the imprisonment, and just days before her baby would be born, the rebels had managed to save her, breaking her out of the prison and leading her to the safety of their hidden mountain camps.

It was there that she had given birth to her beautiful son, there that she had learned of the history of this bloody conflict, there that she had understood that these people revered her son more than anyone else in the entire, never-ending expanse of universe.

They'd risked everything for her, and for her child. They'd located a ship, one that could carry her far away from this planet and it's waging war, it's dangers, and take her to the safety of the only home she'd ever known. Once they'd determined how to access the facility where the ship was being kept, it was only a matter of distracting Khivar.

It had been a suicide mission. She knew that. She knew they would all die.

They'd known they would all die.

They'd gone anyway.

Because they'd believed in her, in what she could do. They'd believed that she was something more than a waste of space, of human and Antarian DNA. They'd looked at her, and seen something worth fighting for… a chance. An opportunity. Hope.

Her son squirmed in her arms, and she felt a tear make it's solitary way down her cheek.

The past never stays buried. Like a living, writhing, breathing mass, it always breaks through the barriers we put up, forcing it's way into the present. You can never escape, no matter how hard you may try, because the past is a part of you, and there is nowhere you can run to be free from yourself.