Inner Demons
Disclaimer: If I owned Saiyuki. I'd be shot by all fans everywhere for this. Including myself.
Sometimes Gojyo knows
that Sanzo knows. He sees the looks that the older man gives him and
Hakkai, mostly Hakkai, the looks that scream disapproval and the
monk's need to interfere.
Gojyo knows that Goku doesn't know. He knows that the monkey wouldn't understand. Sometimes Gojyo himself doesn't understand.
But he knows that he loves Hakkai. And that Hakkai loves him. Because he says he does. Every time Hakkai loses control and hurts him, it's Gojyo's fault, not Hakkai's. It's Gojyo who was too loud, too abrasive, too something…
There are moments though when he wants to say no. To say that things are not his fault. But then he is caught back into the web of apologies and soft kisses. The moments of hot passion that creep under his skin and make him wonder how he could even think about leaving this man.
Sometimes he sees Hakkai for the poison that he is. But then the little voices in his mind start pointing out that no one else will take care of him like Hakkai does, that he's filthy and a whore, and that he doesn't deserve any better. And after a while he starts to believe.
So he covers the bruises and the marks with his shirt and avoids the look in Sanzo's eyes - violet eyes that see through all his excuses and lies; eyes that look at him with pity and sadness, while looking at Hakkai with anger and blame.
And there are moments where he hates himself for not being stronger. For putting that look in Sanzo's eyes, as well as for the anger that flares there when he catches Hakkai hurting him.
He wishes that he had the strength to end things, but knows that that he will never be strong enough. That he will always succumb to the venom in Hakkai's lips, as he accepted the poison that spewed from his step-mother's mouth.
END