I lied in bed tossing and turning, trying desperately to get to sleep, with all attempts failing. I thought of Castiel and the time we spent together and I thought of his wonderful voice and I thought of his dumb trench coat and I thought about how happy he made me. I also wondered if I loved him... maybe this, or rather he, was what was keeping me awake tonight. My eyes were drooping and my body was exhausted but my mind was awake, alive, and full of vitality at this moment. I'd never felt like this about anyone before so I wasn't sure what I was feeling but I had a hunch that it was love. But was it really possible? Did I love Castiel? The words sounded strange in my mind so I shook my head and almost laughed aloud at myself. That's when I heard it; the gush of wind in my room, the gentle flap of wings. I switched on my lamp, turned to face the door, and saw him towering over my bed.
"Cas, what are you doing? It's nearly 2am!" I waited for a reply however he didn't say anything, rather he just touched my hand lightly, causing me to shiver and sit up on my bed. I had a feeling something was wrong and he was finding it difficult to tell me.
"Is everything okay?" He smiled gently but not for too long – only a split second smile that I managed to catch, but it was there. He took my hand in his and lightly tugged at my arm, silently telling me to stand up, which I did. His face was radiant, like he was glowing, even in the dim room. He was magnificent, always had been really, but tonight, something about him had changed and he seemed to be oozing beauty from every pore.
"I have been meaning to do something very important and I want you to listen to me because I'm very... nervous". He gulped and looked away. I wasn't too sure what to do, so I stepped forward and put my arms around his neck, drawing him into a hug.
"It's okay, Cas. What is it?" I was surprised to feel large hands on my back and tight arms around my waist as he hugged me back, and he buried his face into my neck. I felt totally at peace in this position; I would have stayed like this forever.
"I have something to show you", he whispered as he pulled away from me. That smile was back again, the smile that made his eyes, his skin, his entire being shine. I smiled back to try and ease him, as I could see how nervous he was.
He raised his hand to my forehead and before I could protest or ask questions I opened my eyes and was in a large field. It was beautiful; the sky was navy blue, almost black, and it looked as if every single star in the universe was shining in the sky, just for me. It smelt fresh, open, and the air was still. I sighed as I heard that familiar sound of Cas' wings.
"This is so beautiful, Cas. Why are we-" I stopped as I felt his arm slide around my waist, and he pulled me closer to his body. I smiled to myself as I remembered all the times I had imagined him this close to me, holding me in this way. I felt like this was the right moment.
"I have something else for you" Cas said after what seemed like an eternity in his arms under the stars. I closed my eyes and once open, I was in a warm hotel room, staring at a view of the lit Eiffel tower against the fading pink sky. I was still tight against his body, and was drinking in everything around me; everything was perfect and I didn't want this to end.
"This is perfect, Cas. This is perfect. Thank you so much for everything". He didn't say a word, instead he released me from his grasp and turned towards me, his towering figure and kind eyes the closest they ever have been. I saw him swallow and his eyes shifted from my own, to my lips, and back up to my eyes. He edged forward slowly, and I didn't want to push him, but him to be mine, and me to be his.
"I just wanted to try..." he stopped but I knew what he meant. His beautiful face was so close to my own, and I felt brave so moved a hand up to stroke his cheek.
"It's okay, Cas". He smiled and his hands moved to my waist. He seemed so comfortable, as if he had let go of something that was holding him back this whole time. I moved my over hand to the back of his neck as his face gradually fell to mine, and our lips touched. His kiss was clumsy but his mouth was soft and he moved very slowly, cautiously, as if I was the fragile one in this situation. Fireworks, every kind of explosion was happening inside me at this moment, with one simple touch of his skin against mine. I could smell him, hear him, touch him, taste him, and see the world with him. I saw everything at that moment. Our past, present, and future. Our laughs and tears. The bloodshed and the joy. Everything was always Castiel and everything was going to be Castiel from now on.
Our lips parted after what felt like hours, but it was still not long enough. He moved away and stared into my eyes, and I felt like that kiss was his way of opening up to me. He changed instantly. He was not as rigid, not as cautious, and certainly not as nervous. I looked at him and I didn't know whether I saw a child or an untrained puppy, but I loved his bewilderment and innocence and I loved showing him the world, getting him to open up and explore, teaching him about his soul.
"Cas, think of all the great and wonderful people you know". He stared, confused.
"I don't know what you mean". I sighed and looked away.
"To me, Cas, you're all of the wonderful people I can think of, and more. You're my hero and my saviour and my friend and my carer and my partner and my very own angel, and that's why I-" All I could do was sigh because I had failed. There was no way of communicating anything I felt for him through words. He mattered too much to me. He was a silly, trench coat-wearing, and totally oblivious angel sent to care for me a few months ago and there was nothing else to do but fall in love with him for all of his flaws, as well as perfection. He stepped away and walked towards the bed on the other side of the room and sat down. He motioned for me to come over and I sat next to him. All was quiet and he whispered in a husky tone, even though there was nobody to hear him talking.
"I don't know what is happening to me but... I need to spend every minute with you and what we did just now made me feel... happy". I chuckled to myself at his graceless attempt of telling me he loved me and stroked his hand.
"Cas, what I meant to say earlier was that I love you. With everything I have and against my will, I love you more than anything". He kept his head bowed looking at his lap and didn't look up at me once but I saw him smiling. He finally understood. He understood what he was experiencing. He understood the ways of the soul and he understood his feelings for me.
"You're... perfect". He breathed those words and that was it. We knew each other so well and there was nothing else to say because we were both on the same page. Even if he was gawky and shy and I was nervous as hell, we still had each other and at this moment in time that was all that mattered to both of us. He was discovering himself, and I was his map and compass. All was well.
I stood up and went to the bathroom. I hopped into the shower and proceeded to make myself acceptable for him. I wasn't sure if he actually wanted to take things to the next level, but I had to be prepared anyway, just in case. I could hear him occasionally walking around, the rustle of his trench coat barely audible above the sound of the shower. I smiled to myself at this whole night. How it all worked, how it all fit into place, how we both finally confessed. I came out of the bathroom and saw him sitting on the bed, legs stretched out in front of him, finally without his trench coat and suit jacket, like he had taken off the comfort blanket. He looked up at me and it looked as though he was glowing as he motioned for me to come over. I sat close to him on the bed and took his hand in mine. I saw the look in his eyes as he began to speak.
"I've never... made love... before". He swallowed again and his nerves had returned. I stroked the side of his face with my hand and reassured him that everything would be okay. He smiled and his face crept forward to my own, and our lips met again. He was still clumsy, but he was gentle all over and he smelt of spring flowers and his mouth was slightly minty. His hands were tight on my waist, massaging my ribs with his thumb. It was lovely, but I wanted to move faster. I slowly moved my hands to his neck and pulled him over me by his tie. He seemed startled but he also seemed to like this new position, as I heard a low rumble in his throat, releasing a moan. He seemed unsure, so I broke the kiss.
"Touch me, Cas, please". He frowned at first, but knew what I meant. We resumed kissing and I felt a warm hand slowly making its way down my side and stroking my leg. The feeling of his mouth, his scratchy beard against my skin, his delicate hands, the weight of his chest... it was all so much. I felt myself losing control but I had to remain patient for his sake. I slowly undid his tie with my shaking hands and fumbled with his shirt buttons to unravel the angel underneath. His hands started to wander back up and into my clothes; he was getting more relaxed now and he was surprisingly good at what he was doing. Suddenly, and without a word from me, he moved his mouth from mine towards my neck, kissing and nipping at it, causing me to squirm underneath him.
"Tell me if I'm too forward", was all he whispered in my ear. I thought about how simple and wonderful that was. With a simple purr in my ear, the touch of his mouth and his hands, I was exposed, vulnerable, and all his. He kept going with his teasing ministrations, and I was wanton beneath him. We were tossing and fumbling with our clothes, and as I raked my fingers up his back or over his chest, I heard him moan in my ear, and felt him breathless. An angel, on top of me, panting, tender, and desperate for me. My very own angel, Castiel.
Burning heat. A surprisingly cold and cool angel was not burning cold. My skin was hot and I was gasping for some relief. He was about to enter me and he was bigger than I expected. I tangled my fingers in his short hair as I felt him biting my neck and pushing in. He filled me completely, and we were two pieces of a jigsaw that fit together so appropriately. His fingers burned trails against my skin and his breath in my ear clouded my mind.
This is what I had wanted for months; all of the build up was worth it. I thought about how long he had wanted this, how long he had loved me. All of the small hints at it, the time he not-so-accidentally held my hand after pulling me out of the wreck. That time he fell asleep against my shoulder, his hand on my thigh. Even that one time he nearly kissed me. I should have known all along but he was an angel of the lord, and more glorious than anyone I had ever known before and I was plain and just a human. I had never believed it, even if I could see it, until now that is. His moans were louder now, both of our voices echoing throughout the room.
"I don't know... I can't last much longer I don't think". He was still nipping at my neck and his mouth was hot. I felt the familiar feeling building up in my body, I knew I couldn't hold out much longer either.
"It's okay Cas, we're both close". He quickened the pace and at once we both exploded. Both like volcanoes erupting, we stayed in this position for a while, wrapped in each others arms.
I used to think that love and soul mates were the same thing; since discovering Castiel was my soul mate I realised that they were very different. A soul mate is someone you can learn from and grow into a better person because of their actions. Castiel, despite being completely clueless at first about anything in this world, was in fact the most informed person about love and care that I have ever met. He seemed like he didn't know what he was doing when in fact, everything he did was for me and everything he did was perfect. Not only did he literally learn new things from me, but I learnt new things from him too. I learnt compassion, I learnt to strive for a goal, I learnt patience. I learnt about myself and I learnt that he was my soul mate.