A/N: Someone left a copy of Power Unlimited lying around work (biggest gamemazine of the Benelux according to that thing), I read it during lunch break, and came across this article that cracked me up so bad I literally couldn't stop grinning for the rest of the day. I wanted to share it with you so you may have as much as a laugh as I did.
Warnings: Complete and utter crack that makes so much sense. To me anyway :P. It's sort of written like a WhatsApp conversation, except that FF is being stupid and won't display it like that. Pretend it does display it properly. Italics is Zelda, normal font is Link.
Disclaimer: I do not own TLoZ. The Sheikah would be around a lot more if I did. I also do not own PU (I threw away the copy after tearing out the article). It's for the best though, I can never be that funny.
Hey.
Hey, Zelda. How are you?
I'm good…
Say, Link. Can I talk to you for a sec? I need to get something off my chest…
Your treasure chest? :D
Very funny. Seriously though. Link… do you love me?
Why are you asking me such a weird question, silly! Of course I love you!
Would I have saved you time and time again from baddies like Ganon, Vaati and Ghirahim if I didn't love you?
Are you sure? Because I get the feeling you're only saving me out of obligation.
You know, because we're bound together by the power of the Triforce.
… what are you trying to say?
Link… for years and years I've been trying to make it clear to you that I…
That I really like you.
I really like you, too! :)
DAMMIT THIS IS WHAT I MEAN &%!*$
What?
LINK YOU INSENSITIVE BAG OF HAY! WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS LIKE THIS!
Zelda, WTF.
I want you, Link. I've been trying to get it through that thick skull of yours so many times.
I tried to kiss you on several occasions, but you never tried to kiss me back! Never!
Oh…
Oh? OH? Is that all that you have to say?
What do you want me to say then?
SOMETHING! Something meaningful, Goddessdammit! You never talk to me when I'm with you!
The only time I can get a proper sentence out of you is when we're talking on HeyListen on our triPhones!
And every time I try to kiss you, you look at me as if I smell like a dead Zora!
…
Link… you're attracted to men, aren't you? =(
WHAT!
That earring you wore in Ocarina of Time, your obsession with your beloved 'Master Sword'…
The dressing up in Majora's Mask… and don't think I didn't notice that sassy way you were playing with your hair in SSBM!
Zelda, you can't possibly be ser…
OH MY GODDESS. 'SMASH BROTHERS'. Now I get it. LINK, YOU'RE EVEN WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!
Zelda, stop.
I can't believe I didn't see it sooner. You could have had Ilia, Saria, Ruto, Marin, Malon!
Even Midna had the hots for you! And I'm no lesbian, but damn. Even I had to do a double check when I saw her real form!
And last but definitely not least: ME! You could have had the Princess of Hyrule, Link. The fairest lady in all the land. The embodiment of the Triforce of Wisdom.
I'm beginning to have doubts about the whole wisdom thing.
BUT NOOOOO, mister prettyboy here does not swing that way!
Zelda, I'm not gay! And besides, you're the tranny here, 'Sheik'!
WELL, WHOOPDI FRIKKIN DO. YOU SURE WERE INTERESTED IN ME WHILE I WAS SHEIK.
You've gotta be fucking kidding me.
LINK, ADMIT THAT YOU'RE INTO MEN!
NO! You're confusing me with Tingle!
(… I thought he was into little kids.)
(That too.)
(… woah.)
(I know.) But I'm NOT gay!
But… why aren't you interested in me? =( Get it through your thick head that I'm in love with you!
I mean, every time I see you ride towards the sunset on your horse I just… OH MY GODDESS!
Now what!
YOU'RE INTO BESTIALITY, AREN'T YOU =(
…
I KNEW IT! Epona, your red Skyloft… And the way you were staring at that golden wolf in Twilight Princess! Have you no shame!
Urgh, I can't take this anymore.
ADMIT IT!
ZELDA, NO, I'M NOT INTO BESTIALITY.
JUST FUCKING ADMIT IT!
OKAY, FUCK, OKAY! I'LL FUCKING ADMIT IT!
… you'll admit what?
Zelda…
Yes?
I, uh, I'm…
Yes?
…asexual.
YOU DON'T HAVE A PENIS?
No, Zelda. It means that I'm not sexually attracted to anyone or anything.
But…
Adventuring is my true passion, my true love. I don't give a damn about sex.
But… Link… I need love!
I'd love to be your friend, Zelda, but I can't give you the love you need. But I do hear the Gerudo can help you with that.
But… wait a minute. Aren't the Gerudo all female?
Oh yeah! Haha! They only give birth to a male Gerudo once a century, I completely forgot about that.
So Ganondorf is the only male now?
Yes.
But didn't you just…
Master Sword. Right through that big ol' forehead of his.
LINK! GODDESSDAMMIT!
Well excuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me, Princess!
A/N: I'm still cracking up. I'm so easily entertained. But hey, at least the age old mystery of why Link never gets any is now solved. It also pretty much settles the whole shippingwars thing, wouldn't you agree? Finally we can all sleep soundly :D. I'll write a proper Zelda fic one day, really.
Hope you had fun reading, and reviews are always appreciated!