OZ: THE GREAT AND POWERFUL: AN ABRIDGED SCRIPT
FADE IN
EXT. A KANSAS CIRCUS CIRCA 1900
In an effort to show that he is a GIANT DOUCHE, JAMES FRANCO treats his assistant, ZACH BRAFF, like crap, thinks about nothing but himself, and flirts with every girl he sees, including MICHELLE WILLIAMS, who is technically engaged.
DIRECTOR SAM RAIMI
"JAMES, I'm worried that the AUDIENCE may have a lingering shred of sympathy left for you. We can't have this!"
JAMES FRANCO obligingly kicks a puppy, breaks wind in the direction of an elderly lady and refuses to HEAL a CRIPPLED GIRL even though her parents offer him their entire life savings. No, the last really happens, which is FORESHADOWING.
ANGRY MOB
"JAMES, we hate your guts, and are going to get you!"
ZACH BRAFF
"JAMES, be careful! Remember the last time you ran off without telling anyone where you were going?"
While fleeing on a hot air balloon, JAMES FRANCO is sucked into a vortex of CGI effects.
JAMES FRANCO
"No! I don't want to die yet! Oh, thank God."
EXT. A MAGICAL LAND of MAKE BELIEVE
MILA KUNIS appears wearing the LEATHER of POORLY DISGUISED LUST and the RED LIPSTICK of LOOSE MORALS which means she is NAUGHTY, as opposed to NICE. In case, the audience has DOUBTS or perhaps has awakened at long last from a COMA.
JAMES FRANCO
"I must be in Heaven because you look like an angel."
MILA KUNIS
"Actually, you're in OZ!"
JAMES FRANCO
"OZ? That's, like, my nickname."
MILA KUNIS
"Wow, then you must be the long-awaited KING WIZARD SAVIOR TOTALLY HOT DUDE I WANT TO SCREW. Me, I'm a witch, and my sister, RACHEL WEISZ'S a witch, too."
JAMES FRANCO
"You're hot for a witch. What's the matter?"
MILA KUNIS
"Evil flying monkeys! Run away, run away."
JAMES FRANCO
"Um, if you're a witch….never mind!"
MILA KUNIS
"Now you need a good sidekick, so how about that adorable FLYING MONKEY tangled in the bushes over there?"
ZACH BRAFF
"From voice of a generation to the voice of an animated monkey. What a career trajectory."
JAMES FRANCO
"Just take my bag, you loser."
MILA KUNIS
"Oh, this is wonderful! A hot guy who just happens to be the WIZARD. Let's make haste to the Emerald Square City pronto."
JAMES FRANCO gives MILA a music box and asks her to dance, which causes her to fall head over heels in love with him. Seriously.
EXT. EMERALD SQUARE CITY
MILA KUNIS
"My sister, RACHEL WEISZ."
JAMES FRANCO
"Nice flowing Renaissance fair type outfit."
RACHEL WEISZ
"All the better to show off my cleavage in. Would you like to see your throne?"
JAMES FRANCO
"Cool, I always wanted a throne!"
RACHEL WEISZ
"Also, look at all this gold."
JAMES FRANCO
"Hot chicks and unlimited wealth - Oz is like the daydream of a high school student dozing through English."
RACHEL WEISZ
"But first, you have to KILL the WICKED WITCH."
JAMES FRANCO
"WTF?"
RACHEL WEISZ
(cackles)
"I'm just messing with you. All you have to do is get her WAND."
JAMES FRANCO
"That's a phallic symbol - OK, I'll do it!"
EXT. THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD
JAMES FRANCO
"Say, what's all that smoke hanging over there?"
ZACH BRAFF
(as they walk through smoking ruins)
"It looks like a bull went rampaging through a china shop. Literally."
JOEY KING
(weeping)
"Waah! My family's gone, and my legs are broken, so I can't walk."
JAMES FRANCO
"Never fear, I'll fix you with my trusty GLUE. Although I couldn't fix you back in Kansas."
JOEY KING
"Now that I'm whole once more, I will proceed to act circles around you and my co-stars twice my age."
JAMES FRANCO
(under breath)
"I knew I should have just left you there…"
EXT. AN ENCHANTED FOREST
JAMES FRANCO
"A witch! Quick, ZACH, go distract her, while I grab her wand."
MICHELLE WILLIAMS
(throws back hood to show she is MICHELLE WILLIAMS)
"Hark, who goes there?"
JAMES FRANCO
"Uh…..we didn't mean…hubba hubba!"
MICHELLE WILLIAMS
"Evil flying monkeys! Run away, run away!"
JAMES FRANCO
"You're a WITCH for heaven's sake! Can't you do some magic?"
MICHELLE WILLIAMS
"OK, follow me."
JAMES FRANCO
(jumps off cliff)
"Ahh…Oh, cool, floating bubbles. Freud would have a field day with Oz imagery."
EXT. GLINDA'S LAIR
JAMES FRANCO
"Soooo, I'm not really a wizard…."
MICHELLE WILLIAMS
"I know."
JAMES FRANCO
"But you definitely put a spell on me…."
MICHELLE WILLIAMS
(starts to swoon, catches herself)
"Uh, well, we really need you to defeat the Wicked Witches: RACHEL and MILA."
JAMES FRANCO
"So do we have, like, help in this endeavor?"
MICHELLE WILLIAMS
"We have a cast of wacky, multi-ethnic, loveable characters who can't fight, but sure as shootin' can build, sew and believe in themselves with just a little encouragement like no one else! Behold!"
JAMES FRANCO
"So that's why every girl here is hot for me. I'm the only guy who's remotely hunky, has any fashion sense and stands well over two feet."
MICHELLE WILLIAMS
"Well….anyway, we need you to lead a revolution. How about it?"
JAMES FRANCO
"My black bag is jam packed with gizmos, but I ain't got no magic."
MICHELLE WILLIAMS
"So? I believe in you. Wanna give it a shot?"
JAMES FRANCO
"Let's put on a show!"
MICHELLE WILLIAMS
"That plot device was stale in the fifties, but it just might work."
INT. THE EMERALD PLOT POINT PALACE
RACHEL WEISZ
"Look at this cool music box JAMES gave me."
MILA KUNIS
"Waah! I thought he liked me!"
RACHEL WEISZ
"You poor thing - he's just not that into you!"
MILA KUNIS
"My heart is broken, I've nothing to live for - I think I'll turn evil!"
RACHEL WEISZ
"That's exactly what you should do when a guy dumps you. Forget drowning your sorrows in cheap chocolate, locking yourself in your bedroom and listening to the Lonely Heart Playlist. I mean, who does that?"
MILA KUNIS
(as her shadow develops a hideous profile)
"Ahh-ahhh! Ah-ha-haaahh!"
DIRECTOR SAM RAIMI
"MILA, I'm concerned that some of the kids in the AUDIENCE might not wind up with nightmares tonight. We can't have this!"
MILA KUNIS
(now looking as if she's been mated to the GRINCH, lets out a howl that puts the one at the end of the THRILLER soundtrack to shame)
"Ahhh-hah-haah! Aahh-ahh!"
DIRECTOR SAM RAIMI
(claps hands together)
"Oh, well done!"
EXT. THE BALCONY of the PALACE with ARMIES AMASSED BELOW
RACHEL WEISZ
"OK, EVIL MONKEYS and WINKIE ARMY, go get 'em! What's the matter, MILA?"
MILA KUNIS
"Wah! JAMES doesn't love me anymore! He used to, but now he treats me like a stranger, and I feel so rough."
RACHEL WEISZ
"Quit sniveling, and let's go torture MICHELLE for awhile. See the monkeys have already dragged her here, and I can shoot cool green lightning from my fingers."
MICHELLE WILLIAMS
"Owwww! JAMES, come save me!"
RACHEL WEISZ
"Hah! There goes JAMES in a balloon - he's just not that into you, too!"
MICHELLE WILLIAMS
"It's burning. All hope is lost."
RACHEL WEISZ
"For you, you mean."
MICHELLE WILLIAMS
"Uh, yeah. All hope of making this timeless children's classic into something more than a two hour long soap opera went down in flames in the first half hour."
JAMES FRANCO
"Not so fast, I wasn't actually on the balloon!"
JAMES' GIGANTIC HEAD than appears in THIN AIR and FIREWORKS light up the sky, in VICTORY!
MILA KUNIS(departing on her broom)
"You'll see! You think he'll be faithful to you and your cause the way I did, but he's just a big phony."
JOEY KING
"Here's your wand, MICHELLE. Now you can fight, too, although I'm pretty sure you remain a stereotype."
MICHELLE WILLIAMS
"Hah, watch me shoot white sparks! I rule."
RACHEL WEISZ
"My emerald necklace is broken, and I'm ugly now! Waah!"
MICHELLE WILLIAMS
"Hah! I win."
INT. THE THRONE ROOM
JAMES FRANCO
"So, I've gotten a sound smacking with the Life Lessons stick, and I finally recognize the importance of friendship, family and all that good stuff. ZACH, I'm sorry I was such a dick. You're totally my BFF. MICHELLE, I've got a present for you."
MICHELLE WILLIAMS
"Ooh, really - no, you shouldn't have."
JAMES FRANCO
"Here's the room behind the magic. Let's play seven minutes in heaven."
They KISS and live happily ever after. At least until DOROTHY shows up.
END