COLLATERAL DAMAGE, PART 2:

UNFORGIVABLE MEANS

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

You see what power is-holding someone else's fear

in your hand and showing it to them.

-Amy Tan

Silence is the ultimate weapon of power.

-Charles de Gaulle

-1-

Friday, December 20, 2013

4:37 a.m.

Alex Cabot was awake. Not fully rested, ready-for-the-day awake, but bleary-eyed, thinking-too-much-to-sleep awake. It wasn't a state that was foreign to her, of course, but she still hated it. She'd drifted off to a sound sleep almost immediately after saying goodnight to Olivia, weary from a long day and great sex. But here she was, less than four hours later, sitting at the kitchen counter with her laptop, banging out notes on a pending case while she tried to simultaneously ignore and rehash her conversation with Colin Samuels.

Promise me you'll think it over. Talk to Benson, call your uncle. I think they'll both agree with me that you should do this.

She had promised, and she had, indeed, talked to Benson. It seemed like a fool's errand at the time-she expected Olivia's answer to be a firm and uncompromising no, but her wife was surprisingly encouraging. The encouragement was girdered by a saddening sense of resignation, or inevitability, Alex thought, but she'd known Olivia long enough to know that if she had given her blessing, she'd meant it.

Talk to your uncle, talk to Liz, but in the end, you decide, babe. I'm behind you 100%.

Olivia might be hoping that Bill would be the bad guy who'd dissuade Alex from declaring herself a candidate in the special election for District Attorney, but they both knew Donnelly would push her to take the chance and run. Liz had been a tough boss, and had taught Alex more than a few brutal lessons, but seeing her protegé succeed at this level would be an enormous source of pride for her. If Liv was steering Alex in that direction for advice, then she had to be willing to go along with any decision Alex made.

Kate, she thought. If Olivia wanted someone else to play the heavy, she should've sent me to Kate. She knew her best friend would be of two minds about the possibility of Alex running for election. She'd smugly point out that all of her recent predictions were now coming to pass, but she would be apoplectic that Alex was actually considering this election.

Considering it. Sure, Alex, that's what you're doing. Considering it carefully, weighing the pros and cons, not even remotely sure what you're going to do, are you? She would have laughed at her own predictability, if she weren't dreading the discussion with Kate. She'd save that for last-after Bill, and Liz, and any other damn person she could think of to talk to about it.

Olivia was awake, too. Alex's tossing and turning hadn't kept her from sleep, but the reason for that restlessness was definitely cause for insomnia. She'd thought about getting up, walking down the cold steps and into the kitchen. She smelled coffee, so she knew Alex was up for the duration. But she knew her wife well, knew that what she needed right now was solitude. She was turning things over in her mind, weighing options in her hands, looking at the situation from every angle. Even if the end result was a foregone conclusion-and it was, as far as Olivia could see-Alex would still go through the process. She didn't cut corners.

Liv imagined the next few months-if Alex won, the next few years, and beyond-and knew that her life would change irrevocably. The media in this city loved Alex, and they'd cover her campaign enthusiastically. Except for the few who hated her, and they'd be even more thorough and unrelenting. She'd ruffled feathers throughout her career, and her time on CNN the year before hadn't endeared her to a handful of career journalists who thought she had no business mingling with the Fourth Estate. It was the reason they'd had to hide out like fugitives when IAB was questioning the detective the year before, fallout from Alex's increasingly high-profile. That wasn't the sort of thing that would normally elicit more than a passing glance from the city's media, but anything to do with Alexandra Cabot was a juicy story, it seemed. An election might be damn near unbearable, Olivia thought. And I'm sure we're about to find out just how much we can take.

Olivia felt lucky to have Alex in her life, in every way-as her wife, her lover, her best friend. But their road had never been smooth, and each of them had worries they'd never share with one another, fears that no matter how hard they both tried, it wouldn't—couldn't—work, that the forever they both wanted was an unattainable dream. Their respective reasons would have been very different, and not easily defined, or explained, but were nonetheless painfully real. These were the kinds of thoughts that had a way of creeping in during those pre-dawn hours when sleep was an elusive balm, even when the person you loved most was two rooms away. They dealt with things so differently-it was part of what made them a great team. So Liv stayed in bed, pondering and conjuring situations that she knew wouldn't turn out anything like she imagined. Alex stayed downstairs, tapping at her keyboard, making lists, a dervish of kinetic energy. As the sun rose, Olivia slept in fits and starts, until she heard Alex coming down the hall to the bedroom door. She lay with her eyes closed, expecting to feel a chilled body slide in next to her, but a minute passed and no Alex. She opened her brown eyes and looked toward the door.

Alex was leaning against the door frame, coffee mug in hand and a tired, sweet smile on her face. "Caught me," she said shyly.

"Caught you doing what, baby?"

"Looking at you, and wondering what I did to deserve so much happiness."

"You don't have to do a thing," Olivia said. "You're just perfect. Loving you is what I was meant to do. Now come over here so I can warm you up." She lifted the blankets and patted the mattress beside her.

"You could sleep a while longer, honey. I don't want to wake you."

"News flash, counselor," Olivia laughed. "I felt you sneak out of bed hours ago, and I've been awake ever since. So get under this blanket before all the heat escapes."

Alex acquiesced, putting her mug on the bedside table and curling up beside her wife. As she settled back against Olivia's chest, she started to curl her legs up, but stopped.

"Go ahead," Liv said in a resigned voice. "Put those cold feet on me and get it over with. Remind me again why you won't you wear slippers or socks?"

"I hate them," Alex said. "Always have. Not sure why." It was quiet for a moment. They didn't really have time to sleep-it was a Friday morning, and there was work to do. Always work to do, Alex thought. She felt herself warming from the inside out, as Olivia held her close and their breathing synched up.

She luxuriated in the peace for a while, but there was a question she was dying to ask.

"Liv…" she began.

"Hmmm?" The soft hum came from somewhere around Alex's ear, and sent chills down her spine.

"If you've been awake all this time, why didn't you come downstairs?"

The reply was a warm whisper against her neck. "Because, Alex Cabot, I know you. And I know you need your space when you're making an important decision. I'd never want to intrude on that. As long as you keep me in the loop, I don't need to hover over you. I trust your judgement, baby. "

"Your faith in me is boundless, Liv. I'm not sure I've proven myself worthy of that."

"You have. Believe me. You always, always do the right thing. And you'll do the right thing now. I know it."

Alex sighed. "I don't know what I'm going to do."

Olivia turned Alex toward her so they were face to face, and kissed her forehead. "I do," Olivia said. "You'll run, and you'll win. You've dreamed of this since you first thought about being an attorney, and you won't be satisfied until you try, Alex. I understand that now. I won't stand in your way. If you want to be told no, you'll have to find somebody else to do it."

"I'm not as certain as you are, Liv."

"You will be. I'll wait here until you see that I'm right. Just make sure I get the first campaign bumper sticker, and make sure my calls always get through, Madam District Attorney." She followed her demands with another kiss, decidedly less chaste. "There's no time to sleep, but there just might be time for my favorite kind of wake-up."

"I'd love that," Alex smiled. "But you have to tell me one thing."

"What's that?" Olivia asked. Her lips were already traveling along Alex's jaw, and nipping at the soft, sweet skin of her neck. "Anything for you."

"Don't you ever have doubts?" Alex's voice was serious, even as Liv's tongue on her collarbone elicited a slight hitch in her breathing.

Olivia did have doubts. Of course she did. About herself, about her work, about the world in general and the future in particular. But never about Alex, or about their love, and she decided that would be enough truth for this exact moment. She leaned back and looked into Alex's eyes.

"No," she said firmly. "You told me once that I'd better not have any uncertainties about you. And I don't. We're in this together, and it will all be okay. I know that. Now shut up and kiss me. You'll be making speeches soon enough."