Her eyes hurt. They hurt almost as much as her heart – but not quite because she doesn't even think that is God damn possible. When did this start happening?
Spencer feels like her world is shattering and falling and breaking and she's falling and then she's dead. Except she wakes up. Her heart is beating fast; which is strange considering it is in two. It hurts more when her eyes are open and she's conscious. Or at least she thinks it does, but who can be sure considering she isn't even sure what is real any more.
She sees him. He doesn't know she sees him. She's hidden and he's safe and everything is okay. Except everything is not okay because she doesn't have him. She doesn't have him and she needs him because everything hurts without him. He looks like he is hurting too. That causes the ache in her heart and the cracks to intensify harder – she has caused him pain.
Maybe she could go and see him? But A will know; A always knows. What would happen to him if A finds out? Should she risk it? Just for a moment? Just for a kiss or hug or something? No. Its selfish and mean and will cause the hurt in her chest to increase when she had to leave again.
Will he ever forgive her? She doesn't think he will or can or even that he should. She has destroyed him and reduced him to nothing. Does he know she was trying to save him? Can he tell that it is for his own good? If she didn't break him A would, and he'd suffer twice as much. Surely its better that she was the one that broke his heart, and that she did it directly. Yes, it was for the best.
She couldn't help it. She had to see him. She is weak. But it was worth it.
She knew this would happen. After they had kissed in his car, she knew he'd try again. She also knew that she'd hurt twice as much. Why had she been so stupid, selfish? Yes, she is a Hastings but she's also Spencer – and what is Spencer without Toby? Nothing.
It hurts. Knowing that she caused all of this – well Emily did, but under her orders. God, she must be an ice queen or something. Except it hurts. It was the only way. She keeps telling herself this. Over and over and over and over and over. . . until she starts to believe it because right now, all she feels is doubt, despite her friends' protests.
She's alone. She's alone and she can't take it. Her head is trying to convince her it is okay, but her heart feels shattered and broken and bruised and cracked. Is she going crazy? She sure feels crazy because all she can do is read that stupid letter again and again and again. She misses him, even though this is what she wanted; him to be gone. But she hurt him, and that makes it all ache a little bit more. Is she callous?
Somehow she'd doubted it would get better – and nobody could deny Spencer that she was smart. Her IQ and SAT scores were so high that she could be considered a freaking genius. She begs to differ because if she were so damn intelligent, why'd she do it? Though she knew that answer too. . . the odds were against her and this was how to keep Toby safe. It doesn't really comfort her that much.
She needs to stop thinking about Toby. She has more important things to worry about a.k.a one of her best friends, Hanna. You'd think Toby would be insignificant in comparison; after all "chicks over dicks". What a stupid expression? Made up by somebody who had never fallen truly, honestly, deeply in love. She had and it hurt like hell. Of course she was worried about Hanna, but she won't hate her – not like Toby does. Hanna will forgive her, because they are best friends and have gone through a lot with one another.
She doesn't even know where Toby is, let alone what he is up to. She is worrying about him and just hopes that he is okay. She gives her heart and soul to him, praying to a God she doesn't really believe in to make sure he's safe. She wants him to live and be happy and get over this. Even if she won't; can't; shan't. As long as he can live, she won't mind dying. As long as he can be happy, she won't mind crying. As long as he can forget, she doesn't mind lying.
She still cries at night – to put herself to sleep. It is like some crazy lullaby to her now. Her eyes are still hurting and red and are still nothing compared to the sorrow in her heart. She's surviving though because it was the right thing to do. A can't hurt him now and that is all that matters.
I don't really know why I'm writing in this style - it works well for angst? Recently I've been reading loadsa angst and half of it is set out like this so... Review?
Disclaimer: As much as I'd like to, I don't own Pretty Little Liars - and of course this is based off the TV series not the books because they are so different and Toby would be dead if it were the books.